Got quite a lot better. Coughed really more than I'd like. Wished I hadn't spent 30+ years smoking. The usual. Coughing gives me a pounding headache. It's very tedious. I really really hate being ill. Although being ill with John around is a vast improvement on being ill before.
I wasn't going to blog about it, but as I've been leading such a boring life these past few days - here you go. We got a 'commemorative coin' for our Olympic duties last week. Mine's still in the office, but I did take a picture of it:
...just can't tell you how proud I am.
Today we mainly cleaned the flat. Hung up Sherlock's huge sparkly bone. Argued about trapezes. The usual...
In fact, hell, given it's so quiet, and it's been (sort of) requested...why don't we have another Lestrade's Upstanding Column Of Love*
*questions need not be about love.
And here, because I fear some people reading last night's comments might think we'd gone actually insane...is Rufus Hound smashing eggs with a mallet sellotaped to his cock, for charity....
Obviously, this contains a cock. And quite a lot of confusion.
And also...
Well, I was innocently taking part in a raid one day - early morning, you know the sort. We politely knocked on the door (well...okay, we didn't, we just went straight in) and found....really, quite a lot of people in the place. Apparently our suspect had had a party the night before, unbeknown to us...
So, first thing we do is start slapping the cuffs on people, to stop them getting away or destroying evidence. And at one point, being a green young woodentop, I was attempting to hold onto one large angry man, and one...smaller, rather amorous lady. I mean, I'm sure she was just trying to get me to let her go or something, but still. She...didn't have quite as many clothes on as would have been ideal. And I was almost entirely engaged in stopping the bloke getting away. So she...well, she started out kissing me, but I could sort of...slightly get away from that. At which point she started licking my ear and my neck. So obviously I told her to stop it.
I think the bloke thought I might be distracted - so he ramped up his escape attempts. I managed to get him face into the wall, and was doing my best to hold him in a bit of an arm-lock, but he was fighting back.
My other detainee, still cuffed, decided that she'd step up her campaign to...well, God knows, get in my good books? Or just embarrass me so much I'd let her go? She got on her knees, and started trying to unzip my fly. With her teeth...
Anyway, afterward my sarge congratulated me on my self restraint. Said he wasn't sure most men would have been able to control themselves even if they'd wanted to.
I couldn't tell him I fancied him a lot more than I fancied her...
73 comments:
I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant experience...really trying not to laugh, but...
Well...you know, it was better than a punch in the face, as they say.
I was quite lucky, really. There were certain people I've arrested in my time who would have got a lot further, just using their mouths! At least she was an enthusiastic amateur, so to speak, not a skilled pro...
Heh. Fair point, I suppose. Determined, too. I have to say, if someone were genuinely trying to arrest me, kissing would not be my first instinct, or even the second or third.
Well...it might have been that she found me SO attractive she just literally couldn't stop herself.
but I think it's far more likely that she thought she could either 'buy' her freedom, or embarrass me enough to let her go! Or possibly make some sort of claim against me later...who knows?
These days I'd probably have had to report her for sexual assault.
she found me SO attractive she just literally couldn't stop herself.
Well, that I could understand, obviously. ;)
your pride in your new coin is such a special thing Greg ;-)
I'm glad you're feeling better eventhough the coughing thing still sounds horrid!!
I've never been arrested and never intend to be but I can't say kissing the copper would be my first thought if I was!
Glad I fully imparted my enthusiasm and pride there, AnonyBob. I suppose Sherlock can have it. I don't know. Just something extra to 'have' isn't it? If Sherlock isn't interested someone on my team with two kids will probably take it so their kids can have one each or something.
Happily, it isn't most people's first thought!
using your coin to stop world war three breaking out in someone else's house would actually be a very good use for it ;-) (if Sherlock doesn't want it obviously)
Was she on something? I can sort of get the overture, just to see if it gets you anywhere, but her persistence is slightly inexplicable (given the situation. Not given the person).
Possibly. I imagine she was also trying to discredit me.
AnonyBob - Sherlock has said he'll look at it - so kind! ;)
Its good to know he's as interested in it as you are I guess ;-)
Also, I guess this is my chance for a question. I apologize in advance if this ventures into over-share, but I've found that if I'm not specific, people tend to make a particular assumption I'd rather them not make. But I dont talk about this much, so I don't have a sense of how much people want to hear and how much should just be left alone.
When I was around twelve, my dad (who has some things in common with ex-Bryan) got put in prison*, where he's been since last year. But now he's out, and has got in touch with me saying he was very sorry and I'm his daughter and he loves me and he wants a relationship with me. Etc etc. And I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I should give him a chance, partly because he's my dad, but also because if his remorse is genuine, then i have a lot less to be scared of (I was quite happy when he was in jail and I knew exactly where he was and that he couldn't get anywhere near me). On the other hand, if he's the same guy he was before, then letting him back into my life is not a good idea at all. If I can't get him to go away and stay away, then….something extremely bad will happen. I've got all sorts of scenarios in my head that I'm sure mostly come from television.
I don't know or remember any of the cops who were involved in my case, but I know you talk with victims and such a fair bit, and I just…I don't know what other people have done, I don't know what's a good idea, I don't know if I should just pack up my stuff and move and change my phone number. I don't know why it never occurred to me that I should spend some time thinking about what I'd do when he got out, but I didn't.
Sooo yeah. Not exactly suitable for a column of love. And I'm sorry about the length.
*for kidnapping me in the midst of a custody dispute. And some other things, but mostly that.
column of love question
How do you go about preparing yourself for sex when you haven't had any in years and the last you had was really not good?
Spandrella - well...yeah, that's tough.
Firstly, and this will sound completely hypocritical, I'm sure - you don't owe him anything just because he's your Dad. You can choose your friends - you can't choose your family.
As for the rest, as useless as this advice is - it's really up to you. Do you think you'd be able to 'tell' if his remorse was genuine? I mean, do you remmeber him being a good actor, or did you find him fairly easy to read - I know that's a hard question, if you were only about 12 when you last had anything to do with him.
I definitely wouldn't ever think of meeting him anywhere private or on your own - not at first. And if he is remorseful, he'd never expect or ask you to.
Thing is, I know people who've done all sorts. What's right for one person won't be right for another. I know people who've met and forgiven the murderers who have killed their loved ones. And others whose whole families have been blown apart by a crime. What's right for one person is just that - right for them.
Are there any groups you might be able to contact, in your area? Victim Support, or even groups for people who have a family member in prison (I know he isn't, now, but they still might help.)
If you do actually feel threatened by him contacting you, then do you have someone locally who you could tell - even the barest details - and have as a sort of 'emergency contact'? Even your local police. You could explain the situation to them - they might be able to put you in touch with a group who could help you out, or somehow flag your number/address if any emergency calls come in from you.
I think...if it were me, I'd let some time pass, at least. If he's genuine, he will wait. He won't get pushy. He won't mind, because he'll understand that this needs to be on your terms.
Never feel guilty. The guilt is his, not yours.
Anonymous said...
column of love question
How do you go about preparing yourself for sex when you haven't had any in years and the last you had was really not good?
Do you mean...mentally, Anon?
I'd say...plan. I don't mean get caught up in tiny details, but think about the big things. Obviously 'who' is important - you need to be able to totally trust your partner. 'Where' is important too, though. If your home/bedroom is a bit of a sanctuary for you, then get a hotel or something. Or even use your spare room, if you have one. Don't 'risk' your own space, if it's important to you. And 'when' - Don't get all totally fixated on one time/one night, when you think it has to happen, so you end up putting pressure on yourself. If you don't feel like it when the time comes, then it's not the right time. Doesn't matter if it doesn't feel right hours before, minutes before, or even during...you never have to do anything. You never 'owe' anyone anything. Just because you've started doesn't mean you need to finish, if you see what I mean. Anyone worth your time will understand.
And personally, for me, I need a good dose of control - so no drink or drugs or anything. But everyone's different in that respect.
I say this a lot, but it's probably one of the most important things that being with John has taught me - be kind to yourself.
That video is... wow. The things people do when they're too tired to stop themselves!
The coin is the sort of small dustcatcher I'd chuck into a corner or a safe deposit box and see if it comes up worth anything thirty years down the road, but then again I have a lot of odd coins from here and there, just because I think they're neat.
Do you think your sergeant ever figured out you fancied him?
I'd ask for advice from John, as I'm now on day 12 of coughing, but I'm pretty sure he'd say the same things my doctor did. I have run out of tea, though. Any particular kinds he might recommend?
rsf
I wouldn't say I exactly fancied that sergeant. I mean, he wasn't bad looking - much more my type than she was! But...well, anyway, no, he definitely wouldn't ever have guessed. Would have been career suicide back then.
We don't go in for much interesting tea. Just PG Tips, or Yorkshire Tea - depends who went to the shops last and what was on offer! John's got some in tins, but I couldn't tell you what it was.
Spandrella - because it's been eating at me ever since I answered. I obviously don't know exactly what you mean by 'some things in common with Bryan' - but I can tell you he was a manipulative bastard, who I wouldn't now trust as far as I could throw. But...yeah, he was clever with it, and he knew exactly how to play me. And...I hope your Dad either isn't like that, or that you see through it.
rsf--according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, green tea is best for health, and there have been some studies suggesting that it's good for boosting the immune system, so I'd go with that. (But only if you like it!. :))
rsf - hot lemon with honey. That's more personal preference than medical advice though.
Why am I still awake?
Because I'm coughing internal organs up all over the place? Sorry. Think I'm done. For now.
Oh, dear. Feel better, L. I hate coughs that keep you up at night... :(
Don't worry, I found your lung on the floor. I'll just pop it back in. Do you want hot lemon or anything, or just sleep?
but it's probably one of the most important things that being with John has taught me - be kind to yourself.
I am so glad you have found John.
Sleep with added breathing, I hope.
Sherlock will never forgive you for not letting him have the lung
"Never feel guilty. The guilt is his, not yours." I…thank you. I think I needed to hear that. That helped reframe the whole thing a little for me. That and your advice to Anon about being kind to myself.
I think what you said in your second comment, about Bryan (and my dad was both violent and manipulative, like Bry), is what worries me about trying to resurrect things with my dad. I could always tell, when he was still around, when a situation was about to get bad and I should go hide for awhile. I guess that's true for a lot of kids in that situation. But he….it's not like he grabbed me at gunpoint. He lied to me and got me out of school and I fell for it, I believed everything he said and just went right along with him, to the point that the cops (and later the doctors) couldn't convince me otherwise even after they'd gotten me away from him. Obviously as a 20-something I'm more perceptive and suspicious than I was at 11, but still. What I remember of him is a big fat manipulation lunch meat with slices of violence bread on either side. But you can change a lot of things about yourself in ten years.
If I could meet him in a public place accompanied by an Olympic judo champion the size of Sylvester Stallone, that might be ideal.
Lestrade, not sure if you can answer this, but you give really good advise, so I'm going to ask.
I recently met a guy who's very nice and sweet, and he seems to want to start a relationship. The only thing is that he keeps kissing me and trying to do more, and I've already told him I'm very close to asexual.
He doesn't seem to believe me. He hasn't forced anything on me, but I worry that if I keep kissing him back, which I don't mind and rather enjoy, he's going to keep pushing until he goes too far, in which case I'll probably have a full out panic attack.
I don't have a very good track record with relationships, and sometimes I do things because they're "expected" rather than because it's what I want. I guess I'm just asking, is it worth it to let him keep kissing me, if he's going to want more than I can give?
How did sleep go in the end gents? I hope you've got a full set of organs this morning Greg ;-)
Can I ask a column question? its sort of for John as well but neither of you need to answer obviously.
I've recently been given 'permission' by my eldest daughter to maybe meet someone else and get married again one day and I was just wondering if either of you had any advice about starting a relationship with children involved. You seem to have done a good job of making it all work so I thought I'd ask seen as I had the opportunity :-)
I hope you all have a good day :-)
Sleep was lacking enough that I read this:
I hope you've got a full set of organs this morning Greg ;-)
...quite incorrectly ;)
Will answer questions when I have enough coffee in me :)
I have no idea what you could have misread that as Greg ;-)
enjoy your coffee, I'm not sure it really makes up for lack of sleep but it does a great job of pretending it can ;-)
I was starting to think I've been short-changed all my life if they ought to come in sets...
Be careful what you wish for. Around here there's a nickname for a certain kind of bloke which is "TwoDees"
Because you can't get that silly pulling on one...
AnonyBob - Firstly, that's very sweet of your daughter! And very...grown up? I mean, lots of kids I'm not sure would think of such things.
I feel very lucky that I met John at around about the same time as the boys did - I feel like I'd have had a fight on my hands if Sherlock had already decided John belonged to him!
I think...I wouldn't want my kids to meet someone straight away. but how much you can get away with there depends on how perceptive the kids are!
When I split with Bryan, I'd...well, I hadn't seen Nicky and the kids for a while, for lots of reasons - all to do with him. But once I was away from him, I did, a little bit. And Carla was horrifyingly observant! She cuddled up to me on the sofa and told me she'd never liked Bry, and that I was happier without him, and that there were 'plenty more fish in the sea'! That's watching too much TV for you, I'm sure, as she didn't get it from Nicky! But that's different because they definitely had no attachment to Bry.
If you can get away with introducing someone as a 'friend' then I'd go for that. But I know it's not easy - for any of you.
Your kids might worry about saying what they really think about someone, if they think you like them. Or they might worry they'll be losing a bit of you. I guess you should make sure they know they'd be gaining a friend, not losing their Mum.
A prospective partner has to satisfy all of your family unit - and you're stuck in the middle! Just make sure you are in the middle, and don't put yourself in last place :)
(sorry if that's a bit rambly, I'm only three coffees into the day, and Sherlock is trying to wrap me in toilet roll, for a reason I don't fully understand.)
Thanks for that Greg and its not rambly and rather well typed for someone wrapped in toilet paper ;-)
For a five year old Shorty is amazingly grown up I am very lucky :-) She's never been against telling me she doesn't like my friends so I guess if I ever do meet someone new then introducing as friends is the way to go.
Thanks again for the advice I hope you didn't mind me asking.
He, apparently, wants me to be a mummy. He is entombing me in cushions now, so I can be 'discovered'. He is poo-pooing my threat of a mummy's curse...
now that makes perfect sense, what a good idea Sherlock :-)
L - have you been discovered yet? Or has the explorer gone for lunch?
I have been. I was told off for coming alive and grabbing him, because that's 'not real'.
And then John told me off for pointing out I was clearly a very important person to have such a tomb, and should be tended by my servants ;)
Hey, this isn't really a relationship question, but here goes.
I've been having a long and rather extended sexuality crisis. I'm 80% certain that I'm bisexual, but every time I bring it up with my parents, they say over and over that I'm most definitely straight, and that if I weren't "They Wouldn't seen the signs". Apparently I'm too young to have a defined sexuality yet? One of my parents has also said that she doesn't want me "deluding myself" into thinking I'm bi.
Any advice?
of course you should have servants Greg how could anyone argue with that? ;-)
Are you having a less mummified afternoon or are you hiding under cushions in your 'tomb' stealing a nap?
I've been set free! I've been allowed out into the sunshine without a scarf!
TurtleShell - I never understand why other people feel they can tell a person how they're feeling. Or why they need to label you. But it would seem ridiculous that they can both tell you you're too young to have a defined sexuality, and then immediately tell you that you have been defined, by them, as 'straight'. It seems a very odd thing to do.
I guess my view is that it just doesn't matter. When you fall in love, it'll be with a person, not with their gender.
Sorry if that's not very helpful. But it just seems it's no one's business but yours and your prospective partner/s.
L-Thankyou. That is the best advice I've been given so far. UG STUPID PUBERTY AND CONFUSING HORMONES
without a scarf!! has Sherlock determined you're better then? ;-)
It was an exciting day for us all...
L - I might make chocolate souffle tonight. Brace yourself.
http://titlisbusykitchen.com/archives/chocolate-souffle
I am....braced. Very braced..
John's saying bad words and he's not even saying them in Italian.
I should probably go and see why. You're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you....I'm expendable.
I'm fine! Everything's fine! You two just...sit there.
The great thing about chocolate desserts is that, even if they don't come out quite right, they usually still taste great,
John - I have every faith that you will produce something wonderful. Possibly not a chocolate souffle as Titli would recognise it, but something wonderful nonetheless :-)
They might be all right? They're in the oven anyway.
I'll put the fire brigade on standby.
Piplover - sorry, your question slipped past me.
All I can suggest is sitting him down and explaining - I mean, I know you obviously have, but saying it really is a dealbreaker.
I...well, it's just me, but I couldn't carry on if I didn't trust the person. Not now.
(The souffles were entirely edible. Sherlock had two.)
I'm glad they were ok, Sherlock eating two is always a good sign ;-)
Great job John :-)
Miraculous.
you're fantastic :)
Ah, you only love me for my cooking skills. ;)
yeah, yeah, you're right. Nothing to do with your wit, intelligence, kindness, or very very sexy body. Have I mentioned I'm feeling better? ;)
I am very pleased to hear that...
Just...err...be prepared that coughing makes muscles tighten. Quite a lot.
Mmhmm. Are you suggesting we should have an early night?
Thank you, Lestrade. I think that's the part that I struggled with, that I don't trust him yet. Maybe as more time passes, but for now I think I'll have to spell it out for him until he realizes, like you said, it would be a dealbreaker.
John, I'm glad your souffles turned out well!
For anyone:
Any advice for explaining that asexuality doesn't mean that a person is incapable of romantic feeling (or feelings in general)? Outright honesty does not always equal an understanding on all parts, unfortunately.
Well, there's this...
http://www.asexuality.org/home/relationship.html
(Assuming you agree with what it says on that page, of course.) Maybe it would help if they'd be willing to do some reading on their own? People are sometimes more willing to accept things from an outside source.
Apart from that...I don't know. Time might help. People are slow to accept ideas that are new to them, and by the time we're adults, it seems as if some people think they know everything they'll ever need to know. And in particular, ideas about sexuality and sexual identity seem to become...very codified and resistant to change.
Maybe someone else will have better advice for you. I hope you find something that will help.
Anon--Just for me, it's tricky, because (as a sexual person) it's possible to know something intellectually, or be told something verbally (ie, I'm only interested in kissing, or I only want to have sex once a month, or I don't want to have sex at all), and not be able to internalize it. My sex drive is just such a basic given of my life that I can't imagine myself without it any more than I can imagine myself being a man. Even if a person's been verbally very clear, my romantic feelings and my sexual feelings are so tangled up together that it's really hard to understand on the level that I feel romantic partners deserve to be understood. It's really hard to rememmber in the moment that kissing is just kissing, and a prelude to nothing. You have to constantly remind yourself, and even then, sometimes you fall into expectations that you didn't intend to construct.
I don't know what to suggest in terms of what to say, as the asexual person. I sort of feel that it might be easiest for all involved to try and find other asexual folk to date (while acknowledging that the asexual community is even smaller and harder to find than the gay community). Or to enter into an open relationship, where you can have your emotional and romantic needs met and the other person can get their sexual needs met if doing without isn't something they're willing to do. I sympathize with what must feel like a repetitive and difficult conversation, but…I need to have sex with the person I'm romantically attracted to. I'm not sure that there's anything that an asexual person could say that would change that for me.
Anon, I'm not completely asexual, so I'm not sure this advise will help. I'm more grey than a complete ace. But for me, I don't mind having sex once in a while, so long as the other person realizes that for me, it's kind of like working out. Something that feels good once it's done, but the actual doing is kind of tedious. A lot of times I have told my partners, point blank, that sex is so for me, and to not feel insulted if I don't give them the reaction they want.
A lot of times, though, people think that sex=/=romance. For someone who doesn't understand that you can love them wholeheartedly without sex, I don't think it would work. It has to be a give and take. Compromise, in my case at least, is usually sex once or twice a month, rather then the three or four times a year when I'm actually interested. But so long as the core friendship and relationship is strong, I think it can be overcome.
Then again, I'm not the best when it comes to relationships, so the above advise may be crap.
John - thank you for the website. I've been doing a lot of research into what asexuality is, because I think that that is close to what I want to call myself, and I definitely think it fits me right now. For all I know, sexuality is fluid - and I might not consider myself this way forever. I don't know. I think I'll definitely look into that site.
Spandrella - I really appreciate your first paragraph, because I do want to know how a sexual partner might feel when dating an asexual partner. With your second paragraph, I just wanted to comment on this:
I sort of feel that it might be easiest for all involved to try and find other asexual folk to date (while acknowledging that the asexual community is even smaller and harder to find than the gay community).
I thank you for that acknowledgement, but I also wanted to remark on something that Lestrade said earlier, about falling in love with a person, and not their body. It would be incredibly difficult to limit oneself to just a small pool of people when/if trying to find someone to spend the rest of one's life with. If one cannot find a life partner there...
You definitely have a fair point, and it is probably fairer to the sexual community as well, but I disagree with it in this moment. If that makes sense. Sorry. Even though I do feel selfish wanting that.
Thank you, both of you, for taking the time to offer advice.
My best friend, when I started to explore this, was perfectly understanding and looked at all the information I found. I then brought it up with another close friend whom I had just started dating (thinking that at least being such close friends would help), but he reacted very negatively and seemed offended that I would even accept a date from him (I wish I had read him better).
Thank you, again.
Piplover - I have never had sex before, never having found a person I trust enough with it, but then, I am also totally uninterested. I think that, were I ever in a relationship that had gotten to that stage, I would be willing to... lend a hand, if you will, but then I also worry that some partners might find that worse than simply finding it elsewhere.
I also know I haven't found somebody worth it yet, especially if I do not even feel comfortable enough to broach the subject with them.
I think I'm in the grey area with you in terms of willing to compromise. I appreciate your answering me, and I think your response is perfectly valid and not crap in the least.
I also wanted to remark on something that Lestrade said earlier, about falling in love with a person, and not their body.
You are right here. I know people who identified as straight until they fell in love with another woman. And even for people who fall in love with roughly the person they imagined, things don't stay the same--bodies change, desires change, injuries or illness happen. You can't control who you fall in love with, and you can't control what happens to the person whom you fall for. So in that sense, in this wild and unpredictable world, limiting your options right out the gate is just making things harder for yourself. It's just a hard balance, I guess, because I want everyone to avoid getting hurt and there's no way for that to happen. I want to say there's a difference between adapting yourself to someone you already love, and being told something major about someone you think you might like, but i don't know if that's true.
Asex Anon - I always went with describing it as an orientation, "the opposite of bi“. People seem to understand it more that way. Those who identify as Ace are a diverse bunch - but so are people who are straight. Interest in romance and even sex varies.
Yeah, sex drive definitely varies hugely. I don't imagine many people are lucky enough to find someone they match up with perfectly.
You just have to - both of you - decide on ways to make it work out. Whether that's through a bit of self pleasure or one partner agreeing to use hands or toys on the other, or whatever.
Mine currently falls into the comfortable "I don't want to think about it" category, cause I've had sex ed FOUR TIMES in the past two years, with enough details to scare anyone. Seriously, I was at an all girls school I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT WHAT MY BROTHER WILL GO THROUGH, OK?
There's also the awkward moment when you realize that that's where you come from. Uk, parent sex is the WORST.
On an aside, trying to put everyone into shiny boxes is frustrating. Which is why I recently wrote an 800 word rant for english about gender roles, but that's off topic. The only way you could put everyone into a box is if there were as many boxes as there are/were/will be people on the earth.
TurtleShell...well, I'd hope it wasn't too scary - that would seem to defeat the point.
As for parent-sex...well, I do sometimes feel like I share more than the boys might be comfortable with. But Sherlock says he doesn't care and Mycroft says he doesn't mind because it seems to be either humourous or designed to help people. So sorry, if you don't like it.
Reason for the ickyness of parent sex is that it's the realisation that I was in the next room over when my parents were um, "making" my siblings. Hence the mental skitter away from that thought.
I'd suggest you don't ever stay in a hotel - ANYONE could have been having sex on that very same mattress before you got there ;)
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