Sadly I didn't get one of these, which, frankly, I've got my eye on... cool, right?
I think it'd be pretty useful in London!
And...on to more serious blogging.
I talked to John and...he said he wouldn't mind if I wrote this.
So, the pictures Bryan put in the show. One's of me in our kitchen, standing at the worktop, reading the paper and making a mug of coffee. One's me in the bath. You can't see anything, but, well... I suppose the thing that bothers me isn't that it's...me, it's that they're, y'know, intimate pictures. They're the sort of pictures, candid, of that part of my life. And he's...putting that out there, as if, like that's still a thing. That's what bothers me. People won't be looking at them thinking I'm here with John and the boys and that Bryan's a scheming fuckwit. They'll be thinking that's...that's the truth.
John said earlier he didn't know what sort of pictures Bry took.
I think I've said it before, somewhere...he is a good photographer. He's won awards. People like his images. He used to...well, was supposed to...take pictures at weddings and portraits and stuff. He was usually too lazy to do it, after I met him, but he did a few. And the reason people liked his work was that he could really capture people, important moments, emotions. He was good at it.
And I didn't mind, at the time, that the camera came out at home. In some ways, it was nice, then, to think we'd have those memories. Because at the time, we were ...well, I was, in it for good.
I guess pictures only tell the truth in that split second they're taken. And not even then, sometimes.
And now they feel like lies, up there for all the world to see and take as the truth - when the truth is so very, very different. And that's what I don't like.
And that's taken me about two hours to write and I'm still not sure it's really...that.
75 comments:
I don't know how to say this without risking it coming out in a way that sounds condescending or something but I hope you won't read it that way.
I am regularly impressed by how you deal with Bryan in your mind, the way you work things through and allow yourself to accept that there were good bits. The fact that you seem to see your past as the path to your future rather than something that you should pretend never happened or that it was all bad and therefore you should have known before you set off is really something.
Roses and John and Sherlock sound like the perfect start to a few days off, I hope you enjoy your break and that the weather is conducive to allotmenting :-)
They're in a gallery, right? I know that buying them would enrich Bryan but you could buy them and have a bonfire...
AnonyBob - thanks. I actually sort of...sort of hate it when people assume there can't have been good bits? I mean, I'm not a complete idiot. I didn't marry an evil manipulative bastard. I married a fun-loving bloke...who turned out to be a lazy evil manipulative bastard.
And I think it's a bit too easy to get lost in all the 'what ifs' and not deal with reality. I'm just very lucky that my reality includes such supportive people.
Anon - sadly it would enrich him, and he'd also still have the negs, so just make more.
I often wonder if it bugs you when we all get so cross about the bloke and even more so when people talk of violence in his direction.
The pictures you've shared from before you actually married him, when you looked happy and content, show that there were good times, like you say you wouldn't have married him if there weren't.
The future is a very bright thing I'm sure, filled with people who deserve you :-)
Do you want some tea?
...Sorry. I don't know what else to say. Except I wish he hadn't put them up and he's got no right to. I mean, I know legally he does, but...yeah.
Tea'd be good, yeah.
And...you don't have to say anything. I don't expect I'd know what to do in your position either.
Hell, I don't know what to do in my position.
They'll be gone soon enough.
Okay. I love you.
Love you too. Sorry you have to put up with this.
Looks like it'll be a lovely day tomorrow, for a bit more digging and planting.
I don't mind, I just wish I could help. Know the right thing to say or...something.
Yeah. Maybe we could get some herbs?
Herbs would be great. We could look at some form of cold frame/poly tunnel, to harden off a few seedlings, too.
Honestly, you say all the right things. Don't worry about it.
Just seen that Chrissy Amphlett died. Very sad.
Coming to bed, Danger?
Yeah. Almost asleep already.
Delurking just to say---it sounds like Bry had all the opportunity in the world. He had talent, and he understood people, was likeable, and had a solid love. And instead of working and giving and sharing and making a great life, he made a choice to take and manipulate and hurt. Someone said that he has an ugly soul, and it sounds like that wasn't something that happened to him, or even something he always was, but something he chose to be, and there's really nothing to do once someone makes that kind of choice but to get away from them.
I apologise if I'm speaking out of turn, feel free to kick the comment out.
No, you're dead right. He did choose to be as he is. And...well I probably feel like a bit of an idiot for thinking he'd ever change back once he'd chosen. But who wouldn't hope that, when they loved someone?
Very true. If you love someone you have to accept that they have flaws, because no-one is perfect. And love doesn't die because someone does one thing wrong, which is why it's so difficult in relationships because emotions play such a major part.
Enjoy your days off and make the most of the time to plant your seeds, or whatever you are planning to do.
Thanks - just dropped Sherlock at school. The weather is glorious. :)
Are you going to go riding, then? Or just get mucky? Or lucky, of course...
rsf
Currently trying to control myself as John sucks on an ice lolly in a frankly pornographic manner.
We're at the allotment, L without his shirt on and, I'm pretty sure, tanning visibly as I watch... So I'm going to go with getting lucky. :)
L - as you once said to me, that is how you eat an ice lolly! There is no other way.
The lolly is the thing getting lucky...
I didn't think it could get any hotter out here until you started sucking on that.
If I may--I don't think you were an idiot. From the little you've said, it's not as though Bryan woke up one day and said, "I think I'll be evil", it was that he made a lot of smaller choices that added up to a life-path choice, and a lot of the smaller choices weren't going to look all that bad. (E.g.: My friend's birthday party is more important than one more job and I'd rather party than work look the same from the outside.) And the closer you are, the more you're going to see it all as individual small choices, which made it entirely rational to hope the next choice would be a good one. That's not being stupid. That was just looking at him from inside your own good person self, which is just being human.
And now after two long unasked for pieces of interference, I'll re-lurkify.
Well, it sounds like you two are having a lovely day! :)
We've done we'll. got to go and fetch the boy wonder now. Fairly sure it's ice cream season again...
Well, idiot phone.
Yay for ice cream!
(How are the eggs doing?)
I think the tops of Danger's ears have caught the sun.
Maybe have to hide them in a bike helmet tomorrow.
That is what they do best unfortunately.
I did put sun cream on them! Maybe not enough though.
It's meant to be a bit cloudy tomorrow, but warm. If you wanted to head out for a ride?
I think possibly you were paying more attention to other parts of me than my ears...
Yeah, that'd be great! Let's go somewhere we've never been before.
Possibly.
Okay. Where? :)
Er... no idea! Somewhere near the ocean? How long a ride do you want?
sorry, got distracted by biking things...
We could go down to Selsey? Be a few hours there and back.
Sounds good. Do you mind if I ride with you? I love my bike, but I miss that sometimes.
...if you seriously don't know the answer to that question then I worry you have sunstroke :)
(we all know it's really because you know the Triumph is better than the BMW, but we'll forgive you for the little white lie.)
I was only asking! You might've...had something else in mind. I don't know.
Lies, all lies.
I like you having your own bike, but I miss having you on the back of mine, too.
Although I could get a bike like the one in the picture up there, keep you in that ;)
Didn't you have a bed in a cage at a hotel recently? Are you boys developing a bit of a cage fetish?
That bed wasn't as cagey as advertised. Certainly not as cagey as that cage.
You sound disappointed...
Don't make me think of that cage/bed. Honestly, between suncream, ice lollies and those memories it's a wonder I don't have seriously low blood pressure...
But on the subject of cages, just had todays update from Sal - one very good result in court. I'm happy.
And in relation to you talking about dealing with drugs, Danger, this guy killed his mate whilst high on a legal drug.
Well, leaving aside the fact that it's a portable prison cell, it looks quite comfy. You could probably get a fairly nice chair and maybe a small table in there for your tea... I can think of worse ways to travel. ;)
L - I'm glad for the good result. The other...that's awful. And truly sad.
it's the same case. And yeah, it is.
Still no real leads on another case, though. Frustrating.
And trust you to have tea high on your list of priorities. Want to fit a cup holder to my back??
Ah. When you said this guy, I thought you meant...well, something other than this specific guy you'd already mentioned. Although in retrospect I'm not sure why I thought that.
No, I prefer to fit myself against your back. You wouldn't want me spilling tea down your neck, would you?
I'm sure you'd lick it off. And ring out my shirt and drink that too.
I've been sort of..thinking about a couple of days away, sometime, biking. Trail riding, to be precise. Thing is, it's not something we could really take the boys to do. Which would make me feel bad.
It would be nice though. Maybe we can arrange something just as fun for them. I'll talk to their mum.
Yeah - hey, if you talk to her, can you get us the magic letters allowing us to remove her kids from the country again, for Italy?
I've got a friend..well, acquaintance. He runs off-road trips, in the Peaks, and, well, one year, we could go on his trip through the mountains in North Africa.
I can, yeah.
through the mountains in North Africa.
That would be fantastic.
Yeah, it does look pretty amazing.
Just...out of interest...how tall actually are you? Five...seven?
When I was a PC I was riding through town one evening and he'd lost a fight with a car on his bike, so I helped him out. And sort of arrested the driver. Anyway, good bloke, and he takes a trail run out there every year.
I WANT TO COME
And birds' nests are AMAZING.
Just...out of interest...how tall actually are you?
...Why do you ask?
...because we'd need to borrow his bikes, and....you have to be tall enough. Like a fairground ride 'you must be this tall to ride this bike'...and...well. That.
And how tall does one have to be?
And birds' nests are AMAZING.
In what way, Sherlock? (Does this have something to do with the chicks-to-be?)
I'm afriad you can't, this time, Sherlock.
And yes, they are. Or at least, it's amazing birds build them with just a beak and...feet.
Danger - I feel like I'm talking to Sherlock, and coincidentally, you will be the exact height required if I tell you...
Five seven, it says on his website. It...might possibly be negotiable??
Then I'm fine. If not by much.
I feel like I'm talking to Sherlock, and coincidentally, you will be the exact height required if I tell you...
...Possibly, but fortunately it's not necessary.
If it were me, I'd rejig the bike for you :) Because I'd do anything so you could get your leg over.
And don't think I don't appreciate that about you... :)
So, taking your swimmers tomorrow, for a dip in the sea?
I will if you will...
After you implying earlier at the allotment that I'd take my clothes off at the drop of a hat? Of course! :)
Well, it was a nice day for it... As my vaguely pink shoulders will attest. Not as bad as my ears though.
Excellent. :)
Mm. let me rub aftersun all over you. liberally.
By all means...
stop wiggling while I get it on your ears then.
gnah
You're making it tickle on purpose!
Never. Don't know what you're talking about.
We'll only get a couple of hours by the sea - if that. Got to be back in time for art class, right?
Wonder what we'll be doing. And before anyone links that comment with the one about clothes-removal - no, it will not be a life class!
And Lurking Anon from earlier - that actually really helped me see things from a different perspective. Thank you.
Got to be back in time for art class, right?
Definitely. I think it's something with leaves? Not sure.
Guys, I hope you have a great ride, enjoy your swim and the weather stays good for you - it's cloudy here today.
Art class sounds great.
Oh, I've just ordered broad bean seeds for growing with the Brownies - apparently you can watch the roots and stems grow. Will let you know if we are successful.
Had a great time! Now racing back. Swimming was freezing, but fun. Had to huddle together after ;)
Had to huddle together after ;)
How trying! ;)
Sounds like a great day. Enjoy the art class!
Art class and possible chickens. What fun!
Was the art project something with leaves? How'd they come out?
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