One day, John and I will be here - or somewhere similar - and there won't be anyone to supervise while they brush their teeth. No one to tuck in. A little voice won't cheekily appear (long before it's owner) to ask for a glass of water, or to register some other complaint. (No, we can't phone Heathrow and make them stop the aeroplanes).
And if there isn't that, there won't be the moment of stillness after. The slowing of the flat. The gentle tidying up and putting away that currently happens. Because that stillness, that silence, will be here all the time. (almost.)
There won't be us, on the sofa (when we have one), ears pricking up just as much as the dogs' ever do, when there's a sound which might be the thump of small feet swinging out of bed and onto the floor.
The TV volume won't be down low. Our bedroom door may not be closed. I can assure you, I won't be sleeping in shorts!
And it will be a new chapter in our lives - a welcome one. But this current chapter will be done, and I know we'll both look back at it longingly, too.
Days like today, when I'm at home, I get little flash-forwards, to that time. Because from 9-3(roughly speaking), it is the two of us, and the flat does have that stillness. Even worse, when I've been here alone, for whatever reason, when the door closes solidly as John leaves for school with Sherlock. And the silence (such as London's silence is), is heavy around me. I don't like it, when it's like that.
It's the time - the only time, now - when I feel like I don't belong here. Like a visitor in someone else's house. For many reasons, all of them past, not present.
I very much hope, though, that that future-silence which is creeping up on us, is still broken, by Mycroft (door closed carefully, latch checked, coat hung, shoes removed WITH laces undone) and Sherlock (Door pushed, coat thrown, shoes possibly kicked off, laces firmly fastened.)
As you can probably guess, I've been thinking a lot today.
125 comments:
I have recently lost my quiet evenings, that had become to feel so normal and cosy, and they have been replaced with evenings full of cuddles and feeds with a little girl who is growing way too quickly and will be going to bed with the others in no time. Sometimes when I look at her I wonder how it will feel to be on my own in the evenings again when she's in bed and whether I'll love or hate the quiet.
Children grow so quickly and families and relationships change all the time but I like to hope that the important things remain constant even if the distance between people changes :-)
That's a lovely vision of the future.
Any vision of my future with you three in it is lovely. I don't care if we're in a box under the M4. I'd still have the things most important to me :)
I know how you feel. Although I'd rather be on a sofa with you. ;)
Yes, well, you've got our baby woolly mammoth upstairs to thank for our current sofalessness...well, it's still better than a cardboard box under a flyover, right? :)
And the new sofa should be...here at the weekend? And I'm going to make you pinky-promise not to help carry it up the stairs. I don't want your shoulder getting hurt when we're paying other people to hurt themselves.
You can hold Sherlock back. I'm fairly sure he imagines he should be carried up on top of it, like some Roman dignitary.
...Yeah, all right. You know me too well. And Sherlock will definitely want to ride on top of it. Forget flying cars. Maybe he'll invent flying sofas.
Well, obviously I can't actually stop you being SuperDoc and carrying it yourself.
But if you do strain something you won't be allowed to stretch out on the sofa resting, because we all want to try it out ;)
Ha. You and Sherlock would just sit on me.
Nah, I'd sit under you.
Sherlock would jump on you. Or attempt to cut your arm off with a breadknife or something.
Bed?
Yes, bed.
I'm finally feeling the true empty-nest myself... mine went to college close enough to home, and came home on vacations so I didn't entirely get the effect till she graduated and really truly moved out. It does feel very different, and I'm glad I rent a room so there's another human in the house, even if our schedules don't always put us in the kitchen at the same time.
pandabob is right, kids grow up SO FAST it's unbelievable. hearing about a new baby takes me right back like it was last month! Not that I miss having to get up in the night... :D but I'm also glad that I did when we were at that stage.
A while ago you guys talked about maybe doing foster care, as an antidote to the empty nest. I still think you'd be awesome if you decided to do it, though that choice is still a little way off.
sweet dreams.
S
The house never feels quite right when any or all of mine are away overnight. For all I long sometimes to run away so I can hear my own thoughts and dream my own dreams, it's always only meant to be a temporary escape.
Everybody negotiates that passage differently, but if you have strong bonds such as you've laid down - even if there are divisive adolescent growing pains - you're still a family. I am as confident as an Internet blog reader can be that you & John will weather the empty nest - it's also mitigated by the joy of seeing your young people find their feet in the world (and sometimes the feeling that you don't want to see their necessary and inevitable struggles up close and personal every day.) The older generation often has to put forth more effort to get actual face time, since the young ones don't appreciate how fast time slips by, but so far I've been lucky.
I've done the empty nest (I'm divorced & single so it was truly empty) and had wondered if it would be hard, but it wasn't. I suddenly had more time and energy for friends and activities - and more absorbing work - than I had before. A few months ago, one child returned (having taken a worthwhile job that doesn't pay a living wage) and that's been surprisingly wonderful - we now have a more adult relationship. It will come to an end this year, and I'll miss him, but now I know it'll be fine.
Same for you, when the time comes. It'll be different - but you'll find a way to make it good, if that doesn't just fall into place without much conscious effort.
fA
And sometimes we come back and stay...hey, what goes around, right? :)
ReRe: That's the beauty of family, no? My brother lived with my mother in her later years. When they began the arrangement, some people (both her contemporaries and his) looked at the arrangement askance. But for various reasons, it worked for both of them.
God bless him, he did a lot of giving in the last year or so, and no help he got from me or anyone else came close to what he did. But she kept her wits to the end and lived in her house till her last day on earth. It was what she wanted and a great gift he gave her.
formerlyAnon
It is, fA, and kudos to your brother.
My father couldn't move in with his father, but he moved him into an apartment upstairs, and took care of him until his last two weeks of life. And as I'm the single one, here I am. It's working for me and for my parents so far. :)
Well, kudos to you too. Aging and illness can be cruel. It doesn't help that if one's life falls into any pattern even a little bit outside the supposed "norms," so many people and institutions are so thrown by it!
My mom and my brother had many years when their living arrangement was as much or more for convenience and ease than for necessity and I hope you've had the same with your parents.
fA
Some from column a, some from column b... My mother's health is pretty good still, thankfully, and my father is still more or less mobile--less than he likes to think, but that's better than the other way round, mostly!
We were happy when both ours left, they were ready to try their independence and we were glad for them. They still appear on occasions and, in the case of my son, wonder why we aren't both at home just waiting for him to arrive on a Saturday evening (some things never change). But we still have contact which is great, and still have our part to play, generally long distance car diagnostics from dad and a listening ear for a difficult shift from me.
I very much hope the boys will go out into the world, get themselves places to live, learn how it all works. I hope they'll lead lives indepedent of us. But I also hope they come and see us as often as is practical, and that they know our home is always theirs too, should they need it.
I know John and I are. Oth from places where we would never wish to go back to, though, so maybe that's some of the reason for our feelings.
I think you and John have given Mycroft and Sherlock a very good grounding, and a home they know they can always return to. That's more important than anything, in the long run.
After I got out of the Army I lived with my mom for a few months while I recovered and found work, then I got a flat with my brother. It worked out really well for all of us, and after a few years, he got his own place and I got mine. Now I own a house five minutes from my mom.
My sister, who lives in London, couldn't be happier to be away from this small town, and it's worked out really well for her. I think some people just have to fly far away to get closer to their families.
"I know John and I are. Oth from places where we would never wish to go back to, though, so maybe that's some of the reason for our feelings."
This rings true for me. I went half a continent away, and stayed there in order to be able to be, as Piplover says, closer to my family. When there was need, I went back as much as possible, but never to stay. And I think that is large part of the reason why I revel so in being privileged to watch my kids spread their wings, and that unlike some of my contemporaries, I am able to be surprised and happy over the visits and the one who seems to be settling in the same city, rather than in deep mourning over the one who visits from far off and is sometimes too busy to call for weeks - I understand and I'm more than happy to be the one who calls.
fA
I honestly can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to escape their parents - even if they get along really well. Privacy, independence, making my own mistakes, I enjoy all three - and more ;)
Oh, I left--I just didn't stay gone! :)
(I quite liked living alone, actually. But no situation is perfect.)
Being selectively stupid is fun when you're young. And more fun if you don't have a running advisory parental commentary.
What I realize now, as a parent, is that I want my kids to have that freedom to be selectively stupid, but I REALLY don't want to have to watch it up close.
I find it hard to imagine either Mycroft or Sherlock being stupid in the ways I was. Too smart, and, frankly, been exposed to too much of how seriously sad and scary life can be.
formerlyAnon
Yeah, I'm hoping they've seen enough of some mistakes not to make them themselves!
I've thought a lot about this as my daughters grow. I want to give them the freedom to make their very own mistakes, and to try to sort them out. And the security of knowing that, if they can't get it sorted, there's someone they can call on for advice, help, or just a non-judgemental ear. I want them to know that whatever choices and mistakes they make, there's someone on their side (not to negate the consequences, but to help face them).
I hope they'll be more willing to risk spreading their wings, if there's a safe place to land.
In keeping with Sherlock's stegosaurus, a friend just sent me this. Even after they show how it's done, I keep seeing it the other way...: <a href="http://youtu.be/A4QcyW-qTUg>http://youtu.be/A4QcyW-qTUg</a>
Rats. Trying the link again: http://youtu.be/A4QcyW-qTUg
We made popcorn!
In a pot, with oil? Yum!
Yes and then made it taste nice.
What did you put on it? (I was always happy with butter and salt. :))
Lestrade put sugar and water and butter on them and then salt.
Oh, kettle corn! That's a cool treat.
We don't call it kettle corn just sweet and salty popcorn.
Definitely a more descriptive name. :)
@kestrel337: It's do-able. I wanted a more . . . authentic? - not sure what to call it - relationship with my kids than I had with my parents as a young adult. With the easy child, it just happened by being there, all-in, through the process. With the more challenging child, we went through iteration after iteration of transgression of rules, honest discussion of the importance of rules (ours and society's), firm (but IMO, fair) consequences, loss of privileges, gradual reinstatement of privileges, repeat AD NAUSEUM. Minor brush with juvenile justice and school suspension systems included. But after we displayed consistency and honesty over and over - and child contrasted this with the behavior of other parents, teachers and school administrators - it sank in that we were going to be there no matter what, and that we weren't going to change our standards for responsible behavior. Before she was out of her teens, she told us how grateful she is. I'm know I'm luckier than many - she's smart and high achieving and though divorced her dad and I co-parent reasonably well, from very similar basic principles.
So I feel like you have it right. Perfect parenting not required, just keep at it as best you can. Consistency, commitment and honesty.
fA
Oh my goodness ReRe! That dinosaur link is SO cool! I'm circulating it.
(All of you who are bored, old hands at optical illusions just be nice about my over-enthusiasm, ok?)
fA
fA - I prefer to think that the dinosaurs were all turning their heads.
Lestrade is asleep in the chair and John is washing up and I'M STILL AWAKE.
So you are.
Are you awake in bed?
No in the sitting room.
...And John will see either you or his phone in a rather short amount of time, I'm guessing. ;)
He knows I'm here he doesn't know the time I don't think and he won't look at his phone until he's finished washing up because his hands are wet
Ah. Well, that's extra time up for you...I hope you won't be too tired tomorrow, though. When does Science Week start?
(And I hope that Lestrade is just short on sleep, like so many of us, and not anything else.)
he is now on the way to bed. then so am I
Night night, gentlemen!
we dug the allotment this morning. i ache from head to toe and could fall asleep standing up. I don't know how John is still moving!
I'm only moving toward bed...
you washed up!
I just am washed up :)
Still, worth it, now our allotment looks less like....a sad allotment no one loves, and more like...Nomansland, or a hippo's mud wallow.
A Sherlock wallow.
It just looks like...a prologue to vegetables.
i don't understand how there are still cabbages.
At least the chard is done. Probably.
it is, as we speak, burrowing towards us underground, ready to spring out when we least suspect.
I'd believe it.
I wouldn't put anything past it.
Night of the living chard.
Wish I hadn't fallen asleep in the chair...
Want a back rub?
ha, as if I'd say no!
Better get in bed, then.
I hope you're asleep, gents.
I listened to a podcast recently that made me think of you, and the Lestrade made this entry, and...yeah. It's one of those sad-but-beautiful things, a sort of audio diary by a man who's taking care of his husband, who has alzeimer's. (It wasn't just the fact that they're gay that made me think of you guys, there's other aspects of their relationship too.)
I heard it at this link: http://www.thirdcoastfestival.org/library/929-re-sound-135-the-taking-care-show
If that doesn't play in england, if you google re:sound 135, hopefully something will come up that will play it there. The episode is "the taking care show."
ella
Thanks, I'll try and listen to it when I'm feeling...ready.
I'm roughly 50% coffee right now.
Box jellyfish are also called sea wasps and they can kill you in five minutes. Each tentacle has five thousand nematocysts which are the parts that sting you. Yes Mrs N said I could use the computer to tell you that, it's important.
Well, she's very kind to let you use the computer for such an important message.
Where do they live then? Not in the Thames or your pond, I hope?
Australia! We should go there.
Tell you what. During the holidays we'll confine you to one seat in the kitchen with one laptop that has a couple of films on it, and leave you for 24 hours. If you manage that, I'll think about getting on a plane with y ou to Australia ;)
Are you looking forward to science week? Do you know what you'll be doing yet?
We should take a boat that would be more fun.
YES but no. I think Molly should come and talk to us about dead people, do you think she would?
I shall ask her.
John could also talk to you about things like that you know.
They could both do it, that would be okay.
Together? Like a crime fighting forensic duo? Doctor Hotson and the Autopsy Kid?
Yes! And you. We could have a fake murder and you and them could show us how to solve it!
Or, when John sees what I've volunteered him for, he could do a real murder on me, and he and Molly could show you how to get away with it!
Seems more likely...
Piffle. I doubt there's any call for real murders. I think it sounds like fun, bringing forensic science and anatomy and . . . the application of scientific method?? to Sherlock's class. Waaay more fun than digging in the allotment, if perhaps requiring more brain function. Especially if it's a team effort, with Mrs. N. to wrangle the crowd.
(You're raising Sherlock. His class can't be any more challenging. You already know every way under the sun to say "I don't know, but this is how we can find out something more.")
fA
Also: (If there's time) Possibly themed biscuits for distraction? Shaped like livers and stomachs and skulls and ? what else is fairly simple shaped and won't fall apart?
I realize that may be too ambitious.
fA
fA--You mean like a bribe!?!
What a good idea. :D
Bribe is a harsh term.
Plus, I'm sure employees of the law enforcement agencies of greater London don't employ bribes. ;-)
Incentive? Distraction? Guaranteed crowd pleaser?
fA
I'm lucky you love me, right John?
Hope you two aren't too soaked. Can't believe it's pissing down again. How is there any rain left in the sky.
Well, yes...but I'm lucky you love me too. Coffee?
Yes yes please yes
That sounded a tad desperate. Hope you're all home and happy now.
lost a suspect. I have had better days.
Have you seen the boulders and the farm in Italy they rolled down the hill and they were huge and they squashed a barn and nearly squashed a house.
No, I haven't seen that story yet, Sherlock. We're there any people or animals in the barn, and do they know what started the boulders rolling?
No people got hurt and I don't think there were animals because it's a vineyard it's here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-25975251
Whoa.
Those are some enormous boulders. And they barely missed the house...scary.
Are you excited about the new couch coming this weekend?
yes except Lestrade will just sleep on it being boring he keeps sleeping I think he's got a headache because at the moment he just has his eyes closed and isn't sleeping but may as well be.
I hope it's not a headache because those HURT.
I'm sure you won't sleep on the new couch, though! I liked the striped pillows in the picture.
Did you get the email about the new space-based project from Zoonicerse? It's here: http://www.diskdetective.org/?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_content=NewSP&utm_campaign=DDLaunch
It is. And I'm going to give in and take drugs. And Sherlock is right that it is boring.
I'm sorry you're not well Greg and I hope drugs work for you and you feel better soon :-)
Thanks. Lucky I have the doc both on and by my side.
Did sleep manage to work its magic last night Greg? I hope it did and you feel better this morning :-)
Do you have much planned for today Sherlock or is it a case of hiding from the weather?
Yeah, about 90% better.
The weather here is good! Which is typical, as I'm stuck in the office ;)
We've been to the park because John said I needed to get rid of some energy but then we went and got Lunch so I'll have more energy now and we're buying some food and I heard John ask in the bakery if they might have any jobs in the summer for Mycroft and he should work there and give me cakes and ice creams because they do ice cream in the summer but not as much as a proper ice cream shop just some.
Shockingly, Sherlock, not everyone does a job purely to provide you with fun and opportunities.
Although Molly did say that she could come to your school on Thursday afternoon. So I'll see if I can get Thursday off, and you'll have to ask John nicely if he's free. You'll also have to think of something nice to do for Molly. And ask Mrs N if it's okay if we talk to you all.
John says do you want us to tell you the rugby score for Italy when it starts? He says I might play rugby when I go to big school. I think we should play in the park.
You can keep me updated if you want. But I'd rather you were enjoying the rare glimpse of the sun.
If you wanted to come over later I could be persuaded to spring for some cake and a coffee, you know, generous bloke that I am.
YES CAKE and you have to buy some for John too because you said you were useless and he's been working hard when you've been asleep in the evening and I've been being nice to him like you said so you should buy him cake definitely
And it's 17 points to Wales and 3 points to Italy and they're having a rest.
I sense an ulterior cake motive in that comment, Sherlock...
Having a rest, huh? Should I have a rest that involves cake purchases then?
Having a good day, Danger? Like some cake? :)
Sounds like a good day - better perhaps for those who can play outside. Hope headache improvement is not set back by work and that cake proves to be the universal panacea.
Locally, weather good-ish (overcast but unseasonably warm), drought continues (maybe that's where your rain's coming from!), politics awful. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to be an informed citizen.
fA
I would love some cake, as a matter of fact. How are you doing?
not too bad. Headache lingering around the edges. Trying to be good and drink water, not just coffee ;)
Thinking that I'll be on Sherlock's team if we play rugby in the park...
Haven't found my missing suspect. I hate it when they're clever.
If we're not both teaming up against Sherlock, I'm getting Murray to play with us. I'll need reinforcements.
I hope you find him soon - surely he'll slip up at some point.
hmm... I may have to check Murray's rugby credentials. I might team up with him ;)
I hope so. He escaped the helicopter yesterday. Not many people manage that.
I will find him! Tell me everything and buy me cake.
I'll meet you in the cafe. Mine's a large black coffee and a piece of black forest gateaux. Tell Lori I'll pay when I get there, and make sure John doesn't get anything small, boring or healthy for himself ;) Then I shall tell you everything you're allowed to know.
I really really really like cream
My reading comprehension failed for a moment and I read that the suspect escaped IN a helicopter. Thankfully he's not that clever/rich and you'll get him soon.
Ella
Ironically it would be far easier to track him if he had a helicopter...
Sherlock, we know you do. I believe there is an entire herd of cows who purely produce dairy produce for your consumption.
I'm drinking tea.
Tea (or coffee) and cake sounds great. I'm having grapefruit juice, and girl scout cookies (shortbread-ish type) that I scored at Tea last night. Where we also did a LOT of singing, including all the Pete Seeger songs we know. I stayed up way past my bedtime, but it was worth it. Particularly since it is now maybe sleeting or freezing rain, so I may not be able to go to the singing party tonight. Good thing I have cookies to console myself with. ;)
S
As you've mentioned it, I've seen Girl Scout cookies in movies/TV shows. I know they're cookies/biscuits, I know (think?) they're sold by Girl Scouts... but why? I've never known why...
Girl Scout Cookies are a fundraiser for the scouts. When I was involved, proceeds helped pay for individual scout troops' trips and special activities. I think a cut goes to the regional organization as well, but I'm not sure.
Over the years, like everything else, it's gotten bigger and bigger. At this point, some girls learn enough about the legal rules and strategies of nonprofit fundraising that they could run the fundraising for a high school or college club or sports team at age 10.
fA
I didn't mean for that to sound entirely cynical. Especially for the younger girls, it's a good learning experience about record keeping, counting money and making change, keeping inventory, etc. And how to convey information to strange adults (some children are not as confident as Sherlock) And nowadays their interaction with strangers is supervised by a parent, not like the old days when we were set loose in our neighborhoods to hawk them door-to-door.
fA
Brits: Do Girl Guides do something similar? Or is fundraising different?
fA
Right. I assumed it was for the money, but was never quite sure.
Do people generally buy them?
And...I've never been a girl guide, but I've never heard of anything like that. I don't know what they do. But I'm certain you will get a proper answer form someone soon ;)
They've always been a little more expensive than grocery store cookies, but as they're only sold once a year and offer what once were rather unusual varieties, they are pretty popular.
Their easy availability during "cookie season" varies quite a bit - some people who aren't around children, don't live in suburbs or other kid-heavy environs probably don't see them often, others of us are inundated. Nowadays, they've gotten to be (in my opinion) more than a little over-priced and with the mega grocery stores, it's easier to buy something very similar to most of the kinds they sell.
That said, some people swear by certain varieties, going so far as to buy a ton and freeze them. My (nearly adult) kids were disappointed a few years ago when I said I wasn't spending that much - I think it was $4.50 - on a small box of cookies, but they were welcome to do so themselves. In the end they did shell out their own money.
And they shared, when I pointed out how many boxes I'd shared with them, over the years. Though it looked physically painful for them. ;-)
fA
There's certainly nothing like Cookie Sales over here. Fundraising is left to each unit. When my daughter went to the World Scout Centenerary jubilee a few years ago they did a lot of bag packing - you pack bags in supermarkets for a donation. When we lived in a village our Guides and Brownies would have stalls at the village show and the church fete and we used the proceeds to subsidise some of our activities.
Do people generally buy them?
By the bucketload.
Ella
I was a girl scout too, and selling cookies was one way to help finance your way to summer camp when I was a kid, so there was a great incentive to do well. Now the girls have the cookies and you just buy them, but when I was doing it first you had to get people to order them and pay for them, and then when the cookies came you had to deliver them correctly to the people who'd purchased them. I can remember going around the neighborhood with a toy wagon full of thin mints and trying to keep predatory neighbor boys from lightening my load. Well, one boy, and his mother came out of the house and caught him at it, so no real harm done.
It really did teach you a lot about how to sell things, how to keep track of what you'd done, how to count the money and how to earn your own way to doing nice things. Come to think of it, I should have mentioned it when you asked about first jobs! I always buy the cookies now when I can.
Thanks for the info, SH. I had never thought about whether the Guides used the same fundraising scheme, and once I did I was quite curious.
fA
I think the Scouts at home used to wash cars. No idea what the Guides did.
But now you've made me wonder about summer camp, too ;)
Post a Comment