Feels like a long time since I updated.
Some of that is because it felt wrong to talk about anything here when I wasn't talking to John about it. We got in a bit of a mess. Like he said, both of us were making assumptions about the other. Neither were actually asking the other one though.
I... Didn't realise that John wouldn't mind talking but was sort of waiting for me to talk too.
I find it very hard to tell him things - difficult, horrible things - when I feel like he'll then worry about those things, keep them inside him, stewing over them, and not talking about it. I don't want to put him in that position. So I decide on his behalf it's better if he doesn't know. And honestly, I don't have to talk about things. So it seemed fairer, in my head, to sort of meet John on his ground, and just not talk about any of it. Which obviously didn't work for us.
And a lot of you asked me if I was talking to him. Which I never answered because I sort of wanted to say it was him not talking to me, actually. Which isn't fair. But in my head, that's how it was going, and that was better for him. And saying it would make it seem like I was accusing him of being the one in the wrong. Whereas I didn't really think he was. I thought we were doing what he wanted. I don't know, like I said, it's a mess.
But yeah, we're better now. I mean, not better, but better than we were.
I don't know how to make anything he feels 'better'. As he said, he wishes they could have done more, found me sooner. But that just wasn't possible. The moment they had a clue, they were with me faster than I could believe.
Nor do I know how to try to stop people worrying. I mean, I know John and a few of you felt better that I did nights with Sally, but I don't full understand why yet.
Don't quite know how to talk about a few things yet. But at least I know I can, and should, when I figure out what to say.
Having spent a day or two contemplating life without John and the boys, and that seeming like a reasonable alternative to asking him if we coukd talk... Just shows how skewed my way of dealing with things got there.
131 comments:
I'm glad you are feeling better about thing and a little clearer on how to communicate with each other, it's always hard to know what to do for the best and first conversation is always the biggest hurdle.
You can't make John feel better about his stuff anymore than he can make you feel better about yours but by talking to each other you will organise your own brains and things will get better, eventually.
I think it came across pretty clearly how I felt about Sally having changed shifts for you but I wonder whether the thing for John and other people who were happy about it was that they know that Sally would be in touch the second there was a problem or if something came up so that John could react as quickly as possible whereas other people you work with might not know how to or may take more time over it. I don't know really but it would tie in with John's desire to have done things more quickly.
the last sentence is heart breaking and I thank god someone gave you the push to talk!
Just to point out the obvious - you can't stop people who love you from worrying about you, it's all part and parcel of the love thing.
As anonybob says, I'm glad you two are talking. It's never easy to talk when you're not even sure how you are feeling, let alone how someone else with different experiences and reactions is feeling.
And on days when you deal feel down, do remember there's a lot of people out here who care for you too. Sorry if that sounds soppy.
Maybe you don't need to talk, and John doesn't always want to talk, but it seems to me that you both need to be able to hear each other.
rsf
(I suspect this is another of my comments that should come with a "feel free to ignore it or tell me to sod off" caveat"
I'm really glad to hear that things are better than they were; sounds like both you and John are feeling a bit more comfortable with where you're at, and where you're going.
I'm not sure you can make people not worry about you. Which sucks, in a way, because I know it makes you feel as if people don't trust you to be OK, or as if people think you're some delicate flower than needs protecting. But the way you feel, and what people actually think... they're not the same. Someone offers you support, it doesn't mean they think you're weak; it just means they care about whether you're OK not. (Also, if other people worry, that's not your responsibility, really).
Sally went through her own hell last weekend; so as much as you must have felt that she was overstepping the mark in changing her shifts, it meant that she had some reassurance for herself. If the situation had been reversed, wouldn't you have wanted to do the same?
I dunno. Maybe I'm reading you both wrong, but you and John both seem heavily invested in seeing yourselves as wholly self-sufficient. And to a very great extent, you both are, more than most people I know. It's admirable, but I think it also means both of you find people wanting to be supportive as deeply unwelcome, because you feel like they've judged you and found you wanting, or something.
Whereas I don't think anyone believes you have anything to prove.
(bloody hell, that got a bit long, didn't it - sorry)
Thanks, Nameless. You are right, in a lot of ways. And yes, my reaction is quite hypocritical I'm sure, regarding how I react to other people and how I feel when they react to me.
Sh - not soppy. It's good to know.
AnonyBob - I did appreciate your comments about Sal. Made me feel better about how I felt.
we were.
" I don't know how to make anything he feels 'better'".
I don't know how to make anything you're feeling better either. I wish I did. But if it helps, I feel a lot better now than when we weren't taking.
And I'm sorry if I made you feel like I thought you needed Sally to look after you or something. I didn't mean it like that.
I suppose... I feel like you can't do any more than just...being here, with me. Because everything he was from a time before you knew me, and the things he used against me were too.
Whereas I feel more responsible for how you're feeling...
Like I said to Nameless, entirely hypocritical, because if I were in your shoes I'm sure I'd feel how you do, and been glad about Sal, everything.
It's mainly like, the feeling that lots of you seem to think I need looking after feeds directly into him telling me about exactly what he'd do to me, without my 'brave soldier boy' to protect me. Which obviously none of you knew about, so it's all his fault, not yours
Lestrade - I wouldn't describe your reaction as hypocritical, definitely not. We all have that same dissonance, maybe just... you more than most?
On the other hand, I'm being somewhat hypocritical, because I'm absolutely crap at stopping to check whether I'm reacting to what the other person is actually doing, or to what I have characterised them as doing based on how I feel.
We don't feel like you need looking after, Lestrade. It's more that something happened when we weren't watching, and now one of the reactions to that is that we're watching harder. I don't think Sally changed shifts because she didn't think you were competent, or able to handle it. I think she changed shifts because for a little while longer she needed to be sure she was doing something positive. Just the way we all keep offering advice, and hoping that we'll stumble onto the right thing to say.
rsf
we as your friends joke with you Greg, not at you but we joke about you playing like a kid with Sherlock and Mycroft being the other parent sometimes and we joke about John saving you from one disaster or another because that's what friends do. Not one of us has ever done it because we think you actually aren't capable, we've done it becasue we were having a laugh with a friend.
Right now that has been used by a git to make you feel bad and if you want us to stop we will I'm sure of it but I, and I am sure many others here, have never ever done it with the intention of making you feel that we thought you were incapable or any less of the wonderful, amazing human being that you are.
Yeah, I get that, RSF. But understanding on an intellectual level isn't the same as feeling it. And I have a lot more control over one than the other.
Nameless - think we're all guilty of that sometimes.
I don't think you need looking after any more than anyone else does. We all need looking after sometimes and we all need to look after sometimes. Getting that balance is the trick and it's a doozy for nearly everyone to get the knack of.
I think if people here give the impression that they feel you need looking after it's because your job is such that you are routinely in a degree of danger that John isn't, therefore people worry more about you. And probably the fact that you are facing the various dangers that police work involves contributes to some of John's feelings that he isn't doing 'enough'.
You are both 'protectors' wanting to make things good or if that's not possible better for other people, both of you trying to do that is bound to cause the occasional clash.
Lancs. Anon
AnonyBob - I don't want you lot to change :)
Like I said, it's his fault, not yours or John's or anyone's. Well, maybe a few others, who provided the perfect ammo.
But no one here.
Ok then we'll continue to take the mick when the time allows ;-)
you know you are pretty bloody impressive in how you get up and get on with life don't you? You as well John. if ever inspiration to get on with life is needed it can be found right here.
(anyway that's enough of that soppyness ;-) )
I hope the day is full of Sherlock fun :-)
The intellectual level is good enough. That's where understanding starts anyway, right?
I'm reminded of a friend who used to nudge folks to talk when they needed to by saying "two ears, no waiting". I finally said it to her once and she was so used to being the support instead of the supported that looked completely flabbergasted. (But she did talk about what was bothering her, once we stopped laughing.)
rsf
Anonybob - I see people who have been through so much worse, who turn around their experiences and achieve such great things. Parents who've lost kids, teenagers who've lost siblings - who go on to inspire their communities and turn other lives around for the better. They're inspirational.
we could argue all day about who the most inspirational people in the world are or you could just accept that I feel that with your and John's previous life experiences the fact that you can come together and work your way through things while still being so wonderfully brilliant with your boys and providing them with a childhood that is how you would have liked to grow up is pretty inspirational. :-)
Have a lovely evening all of you :-)
What Anonybob said :-)
I sort of meant, they're the people I find inspirational. And it's touching you think that way of me. I wasn't trying to throw the compliment back at you.
It's fine, don't worry I kind of knew what you meant :-)
How long till you collapse in a sleeping heap?
I feel like you can't do any more than just...being here, with me
There's probably not much more either of us can do than that, really. Maybe that's enough.
Although, I've been considering seeing Dr E again, not regularly, but once or twice. You could come along if that's something you'd be interested in.
I don't know. What sort of...happens? I've never really done anything like that.
AnonyBob - not long now :)
Was it you asked about shift patterns? Off today, on tomorrow days. Hoping to get Friday and the weekend off.
I was out all day, and most of what I would have said was already said. I would just add...L, I really can't think of many people better able to take care of themselves than you are, and I don't think anyone thought Sally could take better care of you than you could yourself. It was more...well, however irrationally, I think most people feel that if they only have their eyes on someone, nothing bad will happen to them, and Sally was sort of a surrogate for that.
Did you all have a nice evening with Mycroft, or was that yesterday? (And did the brownies make it to him?)
yep it was me asking about shifts, off today seems a strange concept when you worked the whole time I was asleep but I know what you mean ;-)
I hope you have a good nights sleep snuggled up with your favourite doc.
What sort of...happens?
Well...if you're me, you sit there in sullen silence until the session is over and she tells you to go away and write a blog. I think it works better if you cooperate. In theory, I'll talk about things that are bothering me, mainly things I think I could be doing better, and hopefully she'll have some suggestions.
that is the best description of counselling I think I've ever heard doc.
isn't the whole point really that you have a set time and place to talk so you try and make yourself talk at the time knowing that when its over you don't have to talk anymore?
Right. Well, got the blog part covered.
Would it help if I was there? Would you like to maybe do a few on your own and then if you feel like it, I could come? I don't want you sort of minding what you say because I'm there or anything.
I mean, I'm sort of half the 'problem' of talking, if you like, so maybe it'de more...honest...if you went and told her what it is that's hard about talking and then...well, if you wanted, I could do the same, I suppose, and then we could sort of, do it together, once she knows both halves, a bit.
Perhaps that's a stupid idea. It sort of terrifies me. All I can think of is being in an interview room with an uncooperative suspect.
It's not stupid, and that's a perfectly reasonable way to do it if it's what you want. You don't have to go at all if you don't want to. I'm probably not going to say anything you don't already know. I just remember her talking about tools and things for changing the way you think when it doesn't work for you, and at the time I was completely unwilling to give that a go, but things are different now.
Well, the only reason I wouldn't want to go is because I don't know what to expect, which isnt a very good reason!
I don't know what I want. I sort of have a strange vision of her somehow weilding unnatural powers to make me say things I don't want to! But I would be happy to go at least once, if you'd like that, and make my mind up properly after that.
Bed?
Yeah, bed sounds really good.
Here's something you all might like: What an astronaut's camera sees at night.
Its good youre going tosee a doctor. Gives Mycroft a example if he needs one.
I think going to see someone is a good idea, and hope it helps, if only because it will give you a chance to talk to someone who's neutral.
Hope everyone is getting/got some good rest.
I hope someone is (or... *does some figuring* was) sleeping, seeing as I can't! :)
I hope you have a good day at work Greg you too John (I'm guilty sometimes of forgetting how hard you work looking after Sherlock sorry.)
Sherlock, and mycroft if you see this, have a good day at school :-)
Anyone else reading this I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever you're doing :-)
Thanks AnonyBob, you too.
Just tackling paperwork before a full round of case reviews, then off for some meetings.
Paperwork, case reviews and meetings - definitely sounds like a Monday morning.
Hope everyone has a good week :-)
Yeah, it's very Monday-ish.
Anon, that link was gorgeous. I'm going to send it to my space-crazy nephew.
John, Lestrade, I'm also among the folks who think it might be useful to go to Dr. E. Not necessarily fun, but professional expertise is not to be sniffed at.
Hope your Monday isn't as Mondayish as mine is going to be. I already want to start whimpering and I haven't even gotten out the door yet.
rsf
meetings never sound like a good thing!
Can I ask (as ever no need to answer if you can't or simpy don't want to) hows the woman from friday night doing?
have a good afternoon :-)
quite seriously RR I had to read yr comment three times before I worked out it wasn't DW pretending to be u!
That space link was really beautiful. Definitely sending that to Mycroft if he hasn't seen it on here.
Back to work after a week's holiday. First thing the pile of paperwork looks manageable. Now it has apparently bred in the last three hours and is back to engulfing my desk.
If I'm all wrong just ignore, please--but if you didn't feel comfortable with Dr E the first time, you might want to try a different therapist? Because different therapists use different approaches, and it's pretty important to find what--and who--is a good fit for you.
Anon--I'm sorry, I don't understand? (I'm not even sure which comment you mean.)
SH - clearly it was pining for you, and now youre back it feels safe enough to breed again.
AnonyBob - much better. She's out of hospital, back in her home, with her kids. The bloke has been remanded, which I'm very happy about and doesn't happen nearly enough.
John - want lunch?
Hooray for good news about the lady!
Alas, Monday is still Monday...
rsf
Lunch would be great, yeah. I'm close, I'll call you.
You do make a habit of calling out my.name when you're close, yeah....
that is great news Greg :-) thanks for the update :-)
RR - I don't know about anon but I have to say I read *does some figuring* not quite correctly the first time but I blamed it on my lack of sleep ;-)
L - Your fault entirely.
RR - it wasn't her I felt uncomfortable with. It was the concept of talking to anyone at all, and also my entire life.
Anony, I feel stupid, but I don't get it. :( (Maybe it's better I don't. Because now I have the feeling I'll feel stupid if I do.)
John, this is something you would absolutely know best about! (All I have is that an aunt of mine checked out a number of therapists before finding one who wasn't going to analyse her but instead was focussed on behavior modification, because that was what she wanted.)
sorry RR I shouldnt have said it, btu that was the bit I ment, I'm sorry for makign u feel stupid.
Nah, don't worry about it, Anon--you'd think I'd be used to it by now. :)
RR - you are really too innocent for your own good. Of course had it been DW then no-one would have been surprised.
Now, do I need to explain about the calling out of names when close? ;)
Why is it always my blog that - intentionally or not - descends into smutty chaos?
I nearly laughed out loud in the mortuary when i read AnonyBob's explanation.
sorry ;-)
I have no idea where the smutty chaos comes from Greg, I couldn't possibly point to a comment on here today that would make you at all responsible for it could I? ;-)
Why is it always my blog that - intentionally or not - descends into smutty chaos?
Must be pure coincidence. Must be.
On an entirely unrelated note, are you thinking of putting up another Column Of Lestallion's Upstanding Love any time soon?
Hopefully, this comment will make it through, sering as how tge last three haven't.
Doc, Lestrade, I hope whatever you decide to do works out for both of you. y'all are too good of people to deserve so much strife. And your willingness to try to work through your problems rather than taking the easy way out is very much a heartwarming inspiration.
All the rest of y'all, :P
So we have to blame the captcha's on being deprived of our required dose of DW innuendo?
My Monday got better. My boss took one look at me and said "Go home." Unconsciousness, here I come!
rsf
hey DW :-)
Hope you're ok.
SH--I really don't think I'm all that innocent, it's just that's not the direction my mind goes! (And on under three hours of sleep, more so not...) (So I don't think I can be held responsible, L!)
DW--Hey! I didn't say anything!
DW - Thanks. And nice to hear from you again. You do always seem to show up when this lot start being smutty...
AnonyBob - it was John who said it, not me. Although to be fair, he does often talk to God at such moments too...guess it's easier to say than 'Lestrade'?
Nameless - err...I hadn't thought about it. Purely because I haven't exactly felt like any sort of example as far as relationships go, recently.
But if that means you have a question...ask away! ;)
Of course it was John, sorry my mistake ;-)
you heading home on time tonight?
Anonybob, before you get carried away with apologising just check which one made an innocent comment and which one added the innuendo ;)
Lestrade - It was just my clumsy way of suggesting why your blog might end up with all the smut...
Although now you mention it, looking at your comment to Anonybob, "Lestrade" does look to be something of a mouthful... Does John not have any pet names for you?
By the time I finish locking up the bike and get in the flat, I'm hoping John will have rushed over here and assured you that yes, I am indeed a mouthful.
That would do wonders for my ego ;)
how long can you take locking up your bike? ;-)
yeah...well, maybe my ego didn't need to get any bigger...
I'm sure it wasn't the size of your ego that was in question a minute ago ;-)
Glad you're home.
Ha, sorry. Wasnt paying attention.
...and? Going to answer Nameless's question?
About Lestrade being too much of a mouthful? No, I find you're just about right. Thanks for the flowers, they're lovely. :)
Um, actually I asked if you had any pet names for him, but thanks for the info... :-p
He calls me Detective Inspector sometimes. But I fear that's sarcasm, not respect...
The flowers aren't even half as lovely as you.
"Detective Inspector" sounds like an even bigger mouthful...
And I'm going to assume the second part of that comment was aimed at John :-)
Nameless - it's just the uniform that makes people think that ;)
I'm sure the flowers aren't as lovely as any of you. Although after the comment on J's blog I'm a bit paranoid now... We'll be on Jeremy Kyle before you know it...
We'll be on Jeremy Kyle before you know it...
All of us? :D
I'm not going on Jeremy Kyle not even for you lot ;-)
RSF, hope you're not feeling too crummy. We're going to be on Jeremy Kyle!!
(Just to make sure I've got it right--Jeremy Kyle is to the UK as Jerry Springer is to the US, correct?)
I've never seen Jerry springer RR but Jeremy Kyle is a whole world of weird relationships and odd behaviour!
'My internet friend thinks I'm having an inappropriate relationship with another person on the internet while my boyfriend sits and watches' would be a quite normal topic on there. They would need computer desks instead of chairs though so I'm not sure set design would be happy for us to take part really ;-)
This might be a good moment to say I've never seen a Jeremy Kyle show. But I understand it's the same sort of "My Therapist Told Me To Blog, Then My Gay Boyfriend Ran Away With My Internet Friends And Got Them All Pregnant" type shows as Jerry Springer et al. I'm sure there are paternity tests all over the place, fights, all that.
That's what I thought. :)
(Hey, for a free trip to the UK....)
I think I'm right in saying there's a Jeremy Kyle USA show, too. Sorry RR.
That doesn't sound nearly as worth it, if we're not all going to be in the same place!
(This might be a good moment to say I've never seen a Jerry Springer show. The closest I've come was when I had the flu a few years ago and was trying to find something to watch, and saw about 5 minutes of it, and then two women started trying to pull each other's hair out.)
Anyone watching Nigella? I'm going to make that dessert when Mycroft's home :)
Yes! I told him he had to Mycroft. He even stopped playing his guitar and watched and said okay. We can put more chocolate in and coffee.
It's lovely of you to want to share something special with Mycroft, Sherlock. (Any dessert with extra chocolate is by definition special!)
I'm not sure there's any way for us to not be watching Nigella if my husband's home :-p
That dessert looked lovely (the cream, rum, chocolate and meringue one, not the liquorice one, ick). I might give it a go some time.
I wouldn't mind the liquorice one, Nameless, but Sherlock's eyes almost popped out when she started making the other one, and he almost leapt on me to beg for us to make it RIGHT NOW.
Well, you do have to practice. Just to ensure you get it right. Not to speak for him, but I'm sure Doc would be more than willing to sample your wares...
I've never got the impression the Doc was unwilling to sample Lestrade's wares.
You'd be surprised. Sometimes he needs a little taster before buying the full meal...
The places this blog goes when I turn my back for a little while...although I suppose it may've been partially my fault this time.
actually I asked if you had any pet names for him, but thanks for the info...
Happy to oblige, as always. Pet names...not unless you count Silver Fox or DI GQMF...
Afraid it is usually me who comes up with the silly pet names.
He calls me 'love' a lot. Which I find...lovely. No one's ever called me that before. Special to him, it is.
Aww, that's a shame John. Although those sound like a bit of a mouthful too, so maybe it's not all bad :-p
Awww, that's sweet, Lestrade. Lovely :-)
He is sweet, yeah ;)
And I'm going to try to drag him to bed...
sleep well guys :-)
He calls me 'love' a lot.
There's a lot to be said for saying just what one means! It is lovely. :)
Better now, thanks DW. Although I think I would go.to.London for amazing dessert prospects even if I felt worse. Is the recipe that has Sherlock so excited online?
rsf
Yeah, it is. I'll dig it out for you.
I hope you both slept ok and that a good day lies ahead for you :-)
Thanks, L. I'll look forward to it. May your day be full of chocolate and coffee and other good things.
rsf
What you up to today John? Washing? cleaning?ninja fighting? saving the world? or planning some great entertainment for Sherlock after school? I hope you're having a good one whatever you're doing :-)
Writing a post at the moment. And if anyone has ideas for great after school entertainment, please share...
ice cream in the park? ;-)
Making piles of leaves and leaping in them?
Both of those sound pretty good... Is 41 too old to jump in piles of leaves?
Leaf jumping is awesome! Are there enough leaves on the ground, though? Because they're mostly still green and on the trees here, alas.
A return visit to that brains exhibit, if it's still running?
John--Definitely not too old. Go for it!
It better not be becauae I'm looking forward to many years of leaf jumping hopefully with grandchildren and that would make me many years over 41 ;-)
RR we have loads of leaves where we are - everywhere looks very autumnal.
Pressing leaves to preserve them. Takes much examination of leaves and categorization of trees and bark and things.
rsf
RSF - http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/meringue_gelato_cake_38183
John - I thought we established we were in cake season now?
You make a compelling point. Perhaps we should stick to jumping in leaves...
That recipe practically sent me into a sugar coma just reading it--it sounds AMAZING!
That does look tasty. I'd have to go with the rum instead of the coffee liquer, but I don't think I've regretted not being able to drink coffee quite so much since I discovered that mocha disagreed with me.
Ice cream in the park after the leaf jumping, while you're still hot and sticky and trying to figure out how many leaves have got down your shirt, and cake when you get home.
rsf
41 is absolutely NOT too old for leaf jumping. Especially when you're doing it with a 7 year old. And even when you're just doing it with a small dog.
Lestrade - thanks for linking to the recipe, I watched her make that last night (my other half just watched her :-p). I might try it, but with Cointreau instead of rum or coffee liquer.
You're making me think I'm the only bloke in the country who watches for the cooking...
Although honestly, it was Sherlock really watching yesterday, and alerting me to what he wanted me to cook.
Maybe not the only one, but I suspect you're in the minority :-p
Have you seen the football tonight? Looks like the England match is going to be postponed due to heavy rain & a waterlogged pitch, but they haven't said how long for (apparently once they've got the roof closed, they can dry the pitch within 30 minutes).
I haven't seen it, but I did hear it might be postponed until tomorrow, because Mrs H was worrying they might mess with the live episode of Emmerdale Farm, or something... is Emmerdale live these days? Or is that a special?
I'm worried about emmerdale live as well :-( it's the anniversary special
The match is a farce!
It's a special episode apparently, for their 40th anniversary (which explains why it feels like it's been on forever).
With apologies to any Emmerdale fans out there, I would like to make it clear that I had to go look it up :-p
Anonybob - I loved the look on Roy Keane's face when Adrian Chiles starting trying to discuss when heavy rain becomes a downpour :-)
roy keane is the perfect person to have involved in a situation like this he won't ever stand on ceremony and will say exactly what he thinks ;-)
Hey, L
On the subject of baking, have you ever made a Black Forest Cherry Cake? Or a Schwarzwalderkirschtorten, in German. They are wonderful! I have always loved to bake and when I was a teenager, having baked a few years, I started learning some harder recipes. I studied German in Middle School (6, 7 and 8th grade, in the US, or age 12-14 usually) and learned to make Black Forest cake.
This would probably be a hit with the boys and John. I haven't made one for ages but it is delicious!
-Ok Anon
We call the Black Forest Gateaux here. And no, I've never made one, but I've eaten lots ;) I adore cherries!
Sherlock also loves it, actually, so maybe I should make one for us all.
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