So...today.
Been staring at this blank page for quite a while now. And still not sure how I feel or what I think or how I say any of it. Here or to John or...anything.
Started so well. A solid arrest, based on good evidence.
Then this afternoon...it was horrible.
When I walked the beat, and was on treble nine calls all the time, well, inevitably, you see people die. From accidents, natural causes, all sorts. You're the one people call.
And that's...well, it's what you sign up for, and you sort of know. You get the calls over the radio, you get a bit of information. Even just a sentence. I don't know why it's different, it just is.
Today we were in the house of our suspect. Doing a search. I had a team of uniforms going through the house, I was downstairs, in the kitchen, talking to another family member. One who was understandably distressed, given the relationship between them and the suspect. But we were calming things down - trying to, explaining what would happen, how it would go.
Then there was a noise outside, and a kid slammed up against the back door - more than one kid. The door flew open, and he pretty much fell into the room. Already stabbed. More boys just...clambering over him, still trying to hurt him.
The officer I was with shoved some of them off him, I managed to grab his coat, drag him into the kitchen, we were all shouting, so uniform were heading for us.
We just tried to stop the bleeding. There was a lot. And as we were on the floor the kids were going for him and us.
It's...an odd feeling, when someone...stops being alive, under your hands. Can't describe it.
Uniform saved our skins, and then we're...it's just two of us, the other family member, and the kid.
We started CPR, but...you can't do it all, CPR and try to stem bleeding. We just kept going. I mean, you have to. You just keep going and hope when the paramedics show up that there's still enough for them to bring back. Hope there's something, and their magic machine can bring the person back.
It was only a small kitchen. There was blood soaking through our trousers. Running down my arm onto him. Just...you know, in this job, how much there can be, before...well, before you know there's too much on the floor, and nothing replacing it.
We just kept going.
And finally, when the ambulance arrived, for the first bit...I don't know, even when someone takes over, you don't want to stop.
They worked on him, but there was just nothing left. No life.
It wasn't a peaceful death. It was terrifying. He spent his last moments completely terrified. And it's hard to think about. Hard to know.
So...well, I won't be on that case now. And I've requested the whole investigation is turned over to the IPCC, just...to be sure.
So...I don't know. Feels quite surreal now. Can't quite believe it all happened.
65 comments:
I am so sorry that your day went the way it did Greg it sounds like a very difficult thing for all of the people involved and I hope that there is support around to help everyone process it all as well as possible.
Handing it over to the IPCC seems like a very sensible idea from everyone's point of view but sadly I'm sure there is nothing that could have been done to stop what happened today.
Be as good to yourself as you can and let your boys be good to you as well, you deserve some looking after after the day you've had.
I suspect the difference when you were on the beat is that you knew what you were going to, so that in some way you could mentally prepare for it, rather than the completely unexpected way it happened this afternoon.
And echoing Anonybob's hope that you will try to be good to yourself.
I'm not even sending Sherlock to bed. He's still lying over me and John.
The best place for all of you right now is together, sleep can be had any night, the physical knowledge that you're all ok is far more important tonight.
It's very different going into a situation expecting trouble, as opposed to having it blindside you like that.
Yeah. I guess.
I did...sort of think of you. I mean, just like, what you'd do. That probably sounds stupid. But you know when your arms are hurting and your back's aching and you have to keep going, no choice, I just thought...you'd probably done that loads, been in that situation.
That's just awful, I'm so sorry you and your officers had to go through that, Greg, and so shocking to just have it all happen so unexpectedly. You did all that you could and didn't give up trying.
Spend as much time as you can with John and the boys and you can all look after each other.
Sherlock is now fast asleep on us.
L - It doesn't sound stupid. It's... Yeah, it's not easy.
We should get sleepy head here into bed. Otherwise he'll have had enough sleep that if we wake him he'll be full of energy again.
That's going to involve moving, isn't it? I'll take him up in a second. Do you want tea?
I can carry him up. If you make tea.
or I could make tea.
You sure? Don't hurt yourself.
Not hurt yourself with the tea, obviously, I meant... well, you know.
I might've overestimated my Sherlock carrying abilities.
I'll make the tea.
Yeah, okay. I'll take him up, back in a minute.
Thanks for coming and finding me. It means a lot, that you'd do that.
Anytime, love. I'm glad you told me. How are you doing?
okay. Still doesn't really feel like it all happened.
I know what you mean. Is there anything I can do? Back rub maybe?
Yeah, thanks.
And you can put up with me if I wake you in the night.
Always.
You might not say that the tenth time I ask you an emergency medicine question about something I could have done differently.
Pretty sure I will. But I also don't think there was a lot you could've done differently, especially with the situation as unstable as it was.
Thanks.
Half of me wishes you'd been the FME. But I'm glad you didn't have to see it all, too.
Probably a conflict of interests, anyway, or something.
I wish I'd been there too.
Bed?
Think when the time comes Sherlock can remove my stitches? He's already asked.
I think there's always things you could have done different, or think you could have done different. But when the shit hits the fan like that, you do what you do, and you do the best you can, and that's okay. I know that the pressure (both internal and external) to do the right thing is higher for folks like you and John, because you've been to more training and seen more and have more experience than someone like me, but I think when it comes down to the critical moment, we're all the same: we do what we do, we do the best we can, and that's okay.
It sucks--completely sucks--that he died, and especially that way. And that his last moments were so terrifying. But he's also so lucky that you were there. Because he stumbled straight into the people who could best help him, and who stopped what they were doing and tried to do just that. He died being helped, surrounded by people who didn't want him to go, and I have to think that he knew that. If he'd come running into his house, and his family had been there, but no police? That would have been so much worse, both for him, and for his family.
There's always things to do different, and they may or may not have made any actual difference, but you had no way of knowing that in the moment. You do what you do. That's all you can.
But yeah. It still sucks.
-Ella
Bed, yes.
...I'll think about the stitches. If you're all right with it.
I'll see how it feels once they're ready to come out. I think it'd be okay. At least I wouldn't be able to see what he was doing much... takes half the fear out of it, probably.
Ella is a wise person.
sleep well, guys, hope there aren't too many night wakings.
S
Holy crappola! You need lots of hugs tonight. *huuuuuuuuuuuuugs*
~EchoOfMe
Some sleep was had, thanks.
I'm glad some sleep was had Greg and I hope the four of you have been able to make the most of your day together :-)
I've written, and erased, about fifteen comments, but I think Ella put it well. You did the best that you could in the time that was given to you. And you were there. The person you were interviewing would probably have been dead too, if it weren't for that.
If the weather is good enough, I hope you can all go do bike things and get lost to the bad things in life for a while in the noise and the mud.
We're off biking tomorrow. Be good for the boys to get out.
Anyone following the 'body in the well' case? Sherlock is wishing I was working it.
It seems like an odd one that so I see why it would interest Sherlock ;-)
Incredibly difficult to recover the body without destroying evidence. I don't envy them that. Interested to see what they'll do.
Sorry, been very quiet today, hasn't it?
John and the boys have been keeping me distracted. Doing their best to, anyway. For which I'm very grateful.
No need to be sorry, really. You are under no obligation to post in any event, and surely none of us will begrudge you time to just BE. Not ever, but particularly in light of recent events.
Quiet can be good; I hope you found it so, anyway.
And like the others, I can only say that Ella is right--by being there you undoubtedly saved lives, and that's important too.
***
Friday night I was reading an article in the New York Times about a new exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History all about poisons. (The article is here.) It seems like something right up Sherlock's alley, and although he can't go to the exhibit unless it travels to you, the article mentions a free iPad app from the museum: http://www.amnh.org/apps/the-power-of-poison-be-a-detective, called "The Power of Poison: Be a Detective". If anyone handy has an iPad, this might be something he'd enjoy in the morning, if anyone is thinking of a bit of a lie in... :)
The thing is - and first, let me say it's kind of you all to be so supportive, and what I'm about to say isn't me not appreciating that, but more...clarifying the situation - that you're innocent until proven guilty. Obviously I say I thought it was a good arrest - I don't go about arresting people I think are innocent. But as far as the law and society are concerned, the person I arrested is not currently guilty of the initial attack.
Therefore the fact I arrested them was the...trigger, I suppose you'd say, to all of this. I made the arrest. The gang who are friends of the first victim discovered this very quickly (because news travels fast) and they targeted this other family member in revenge.
So if you currently ask that family, no, it's not lucky we were there. Us being there actually caused all this. Maybe we should have done a lot of things differently. Maybe we should have changed the arrest time. Maybe he'll be found not guilty in court, and all this was for nothing.
Some things we'll never get an answer to. Some we might not like the answer we do get. But right now, that family has lost one member to a terrifying, vicious attack in their own home, and another to the cells, and both those facts are currently my - or the police's, anyway - fault, in their eyes.
I do see your point, L, and I understand why you would feel that way. But I have to think that the responsibility lies with the person or people who decided to kill in the first place and who did so--and with the person or people who decided to kill in the second instance. And none of those people were you, or any other police officer, and that needs to weigh in also.
Its a horrible thing Greg and I can understand all the questions you will have going around your head and all the things you want to know which is why you did the perfect thing and called in the IPCC, that's what they're there for after all.
I hope bike day is a distraction to you and that the four of you have a great time together :-)
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Had you known that anything like this was going to happen you would have acted differently. You did what you believed was right in the situation. Not that that changes anything or makes it any better.
We're at the bike place and the man said that Mycroft and I are so good then when John and Lestrade come back we can go on a train in the woods not just the track and I want to it'll be like the adults do and Lestrade said he'd let me on his bike too with him.
On a trail Mycroft's stupid phone made the wrong word.
RR - that all stands up unless he's found innocent. In which case, while the actions are only the faults of people carrying them out, the target is all down to us.
Sherlock - see what happens, when you're good, and you listen to people in charge, and show how responsible you can be? You get rewards. It was lovely riding a trail with you both. Next time hopefully we can all go out together for longer. That would be great.
YES I saw you and John talking to them and I knew you were saying that and that would be even better and thank you for taking me to do jumps on your bike because one day I'll be able to do that too on a bike.
Whenever we take Mycroft back to school, it's always too soon.
He's got his mocks right after Christmas, too. Busy boy.
Did he get sent off with some biscuits or some baking of some sort?
It's kind of scary to think it's so close to his full set of exams and I've never understood why they have to have Christmas ruined by studying for exams!
Yeah, it seems a bit unfair, but he takes it all in his stride. Only mocks, anyway ;)
He didn't get any biscuits from us this time around, but Mrs Hudson pressed a package into his hands that smelled pretty good ;)
What are mocks?
It sounds like you had a most excellent time, Sherlock, well done!
L--Feel free to not read the rest of this, or to just tell me to piss off. But--how do you know that, had you done nothing at all, the killers could not have arrived at the same conclusion as you and ended up killing that entire family, accused and all? Pointing to a target, to use your term, by making an arrest does not automatically hand you responsibility. If you had acted irresponsibly: had you maliciously selected someone you knew to be innocent to arrest because you didn't like them; or had you made an arrest because you were under pressure to arrest someone, anyone, and chosen a target randomly; or had you picked someone to arrest that you could fake up enough evidence against; or even--possibly--had you acted without even checking the evidence against him... well, then, perhaps you could accept responsibility--for that one part ONLY. As it is, even that is not on you. That doesn't mean you won't FEEL responsible--feelings do not respond well to logic--but it does mean you AREN'T responsible.
I think...I feel like I can't judge the choices you make as a DI. Who knows, maybe you did have something to do with it. Maybe you could've done better.
Or maybe the young men in question could've decided to not go rampaging around their neighborhood with knives. They made choices, too, you didn't drive them into a corner. Nothing near.
Ella
Ella - there are people paid to judge me, and they will. We'll see what they say.
RR - I'm fairly confident that a gang wouldn't have arrived at the same conclusions that a week of police work did, given that I know all the factors that led to our decision.
And don't worry, I know I'm not responsible for their actions, but I am responsible for my own, and the impact they had. So I just have to hope that I was right. And sometimes hope doesn't feel nearly enough.
Mocks are his mock exams, for the ones he'll take this summer.
RR mocks or mock exams - generally a previous year's exam designed to find out how much you know (or don't) in preparation for the real exams. There will usually be gaps because at that point the full syllabus hasn't been taught.
That sounds very sensible and useful.
L, I've been a little closer than I like to gang warfare -- on the sidelines, yes, but overhearing the arguments and quiet discussions that have happened in or near my library. Listening to teenagers working themselves up to doing something stupid, trying to calm them down. I've been to funerals of kids I knew. Kids who did their homework at my library, when they ever bothered to do homework, or just came and pretended to read because it was warm. One was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The other... well, no one really knows why he was killed. They never did catch the person who shot him.
I think, at least around here, there would have had to be a great deal of speculation about the first stabbing, and that the "street" must have either already agreed with you, or thought you had the wrong family member. So often, there are things which no one has told the police, but which are bubbling along through word of mouth. And there had to already be a huge body of resentment or anger for the retaliation to happen so quickly, and with so many people involved. Here, a few years ago, there would have been a drive by shooting, not a gang that persisted after drawing first blood. And then another drive by, and maybe even another, until someone was caught and the cycle of retaliation was cut off.
I've seen people get away with murder, too -- get off, because the jury was intimidated, or witnesses disappeared.
I don't have any consolation for you. I hope you can find it for yourself though, because I can't see how your actions were anything more or less than what you needed to do.
There would have been speculation, of course. Mainly because it's fairly obvious which gangs have disputes with which other gangs. These days they help by posting a lot about it on social media, so we can even watch what people are saying, thinking etc.
So they, roughly speaking, know who's in which gang - or even if they don't, they know who lives in which gang's 'territory', which to them isn't far off the same thing.
We get very few shootings, drive-by or otherwise. And very rarely from this age group. That's generally the reserve of the drugs gangs, not the teenagers having postcode wars. I don't actually know how hard it is for teenagers to get guns in the US, but I can tell you that everyone's home has kitchen knives.
But we have over a thousand knife crimes a month. People say that murders by knife are going down, which is true - but it's testament to the skill of the surgeons, not the seriousness of the attack. If they can't kill, they try to disfigure/main with maximum effect. So the prime targets recently have been genitals and buttocks - with the aim of damaging the colon. They're only kids, but they've got that much sussed.
They also hunt in packs. And that's always worse, because they urge each other on, and they feel safer, in numbers. They would have felt invincible going into that house. Obviously if they'd have been at the front the sight of the police vehicles would have probably stopped them.
The cycle never stops. It quietens down occasionally, but it never really stops. Old feuds calm down, new ones spring up. And because it's based purely on where these kids live, it's really not something we can halt very easily.
I don't know. Even the suspect being found guilty will...well, it'll help. But the other victim was still innocent. He couldn't change his family.
I just re-read my earlier comment and now I worry that I was too blunt. I was on a quick break from work, so didn't have a lot of time, but didn't intend it to come off as impatient or dismissive (if it did). I apologize if I was rude.
My general conclusions are still the same, but I'm also realizing that I have access to very, very limited information (about this incident, about gang violence in the UK generally, about police procedure, etc). So perhaps my conclusions are all invalid. But I will continue to think good thoughts in your general direction, if that's ok.
Ella
You weren't blunt - I was just saying, there are people who's job it is to review what we do, when something goes wrong. I'm...obviously hoping they'll think I did the right thing. But it's safer to get them to check it over, than not, I think. We can always learn from every situation, whether it went right or wrong.
Good thoughts are appreciated, although I don't feel I deserve them - I think the family does. But thanks anyway.
I understand what you're saying about actions and consequences, but the very first comment you made was that you 'made a solid arrest on good evidence' and I don't think you would have made it if you weren't almost positive that what you were doing was right. I know you're having doubts now about timing maybe, which is understandable, but that attack could have happened at any time, it was just coincidence that they got there whilst you were all there and the chances are that more than just one family member could have been hurt if you hadn't been there to stop the gang. You did everything you could to save the boy and you didn't stop trying to help him and I'm sure John has told you that you did all you could too, having been there himself, he'll understand about going over and over what could have been done differently so your feelings are all completely understandable too. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this, but I'm sure when the IPCC looks into it they'll see all the evidence just like you did.
The most important thing is to be who you are and know what a good man you are, you and John both, for doing what you have to do when it's needed most. I'm really glad you've had a chance to rest up this weekend too and have an enjoyable afternoon with the boys. Spending time with your family and knowing what you all mean to each other is what matters. (But feel free to ignore me the crap stuff, I basically talk shit!)
I wish the teenagers around here couldn't get guns.
It's funny, not in the haha kind of way, but I hadn't thought about those funerals for a while and now I can't stop thinking about bad things coming in threes. Oh, well. Maybe my luck will stay good a while longer.
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