I've always been a coward, And I don't know what's good for me

There was an article on the Beeb this week. It made me think.

There's this woman I know, Daisy. She's about sixty now. She likes her fashion, always dresses nicely, does her hair with clips. She's from the North, originally, around Liverpool, but she's lived in London since she was in her mid-twenties. When she was five or six she broke her leg, but got it all sorted. She's got kids, but I've never met them.

And there's Roger. He was in the Navy for years, before he came to London. He's nearly 80. He got tattoos, when he travelled the globe with the Navy. He was born in India, spent some of his childhood there, before moving to the UK. Then he was in the WestCountry - Bristol area - until he joined the Navy. Maybe that's why he joined, seeing the people working in the docks there. I don't know anything about his family.

Neither of them have ever met me. I don't know what either of them looked like. They're two of 'my' unidentified corpses.

Daisy had a hairclip with a daisy on it in her hair when we found her. Roger has a jolly roger tattoo. I don't know their real names, and I don't know where their families are. I don't know if someone is missing them, wondering about them.

I do know we'll never stop looking for their killers.


On a happier note, I've done my 2 day refresher, which was horrible as ever, but still, all done now, signed off for another year. It's so stressful doing it all when it's not real but in a way I think it would be easier when something was actually going on, because there are more people and more things going on.


And on a much much happier note, Mycroft has indeed been successful in his university application, but I've been forbidden on saying anything more. And he's also gone for this perfect summer job, which I really hope he'll get - his housemaster has written him a glowing recommendation.

And Sherlock has some VERY exciting news too - his school are taking part in a live talk to Major Tim on the space station! They have to think of some questions to ask him about Space, and then they get to talk to him on the radio.


I shall miss the team I've been working with on Child Protection - they're fantastic. You have to have the right sort of personality to work in that kind of environment. We had a lot of laughs, whilst doing a lot of very harrowing work. I'm glad I did it, but I'm also very glad to be back with the MITs.

And on a final note...humans think they're so great, don't they, with their thumbs and gadgets and jobs and motorbikes...yet Maf gets fed, watered, cuddled, stroked and still fits in a long sleep... I might cut my thumbs off...

My report on today at school

Hello it's Sherlock and Today John and Lestrade and Molly came to school after lunch and we did about bodies and how you can find out things using science about what happened to a body if it's dead.

John and Lestrade made up plasticine last night and it was just like big blobs and they didn't even tell me what they were which wasn't fair.

Then at school we had to get into groups and then we each got a piece of the plasticine and then Lestrade showed us all his warrant card and he explained that our plasticine was dead and that with Molly and John's help we had to find out how it had died which is silly because plasticine can't die but anyway Lestrade said later it couldn't be like a body in case some people got scared and so it was just coloured plasticine.

John told us we had to look all over and see if there were signs on the outside of anything and one group found an actual stab wound and my piece had a mark from a rope so first Molly came and told our groups we had to draw a picture of what we could see, and then we mixed up some special rubber and we put it on our plasticine to get the evidence properly of the marks and we did that while John told the other two groups that it was time to cut open their plasticine. But later once we'd finished we cut ours open too with a real sharp knife and we had to be really careful so we didn't ruin any evidence and we checked inside and my piece had glitter in it and it was different colours and so we had to look up in a special book Molly had made and the glitter meant that it was the blood and we looked in the book and at all the colours and we found out that there was poison as well as blood stuff!

And another group checked the cast they made and looked at things like weapons that Lestrade had and they knew which one it was from the shape and another group found out there was water in theirs and it had drowned and another found broken bones in theirs and it wasn't real bone it was breadsticks and theirs had a bruise too and then Lestrade said we'd all done really well and solved the crimes.

And thank you John for helping me write this and yes there were less capital letters and it wasn't as muddled because you helped thank you I hope everyone enjoyed reading my report.

'Cos I find comfort in decay

Sherlock took my stitches out earlier. He was fairly careful. Hard to balance care with excitement, sometimes.

John watched (very carefully) over him. He snipped through them (and almost me, on one occasion), then used tweezers to pull them out ("Your skin is stretchy!" "Will there be a scar? I want there to be a scar.")

Then gave me a swipe with an antiseptic wipe and shot off to look up scar tissue on the internet. Leaving John to give me the all-important 'all better now' kiss ;)

John frowned and said there might be a slight scar from the stitches, because they were in for so long - but that was because it was quite deep. So, we'll see. I'm not sure you'd see it if I didn't tan quite so vigorously!

Had a fairly good day today. But got nights on Saturday and Sunday... still, means days with JOhn and Sherlock. It's not a bad trade.


I think allowing Sherlock to unstitch me has made up for my terrible sin of feeding the degus last night. I... wow, Sherlock has just leapt all over the room yelling about exploding whales, I just have to go and see...


...Well, thank you, HHHG - you've made his day! He's watching it over and over, identifying exploding sperm-whale parts!

Anyway, away from exploding animals, back to cute ones.

Look at them! How could I resist giving them a treat, looking like little tiny furry prisoners in their travel cage!

Ooh, did I tell you I need you, Every single day of my life?

Sherlock is finally in bed. The degus are also in their comfortable bed. Not jealous there, not at all. Nope. There need for my scarf is the greater, as Sherlock explained to me earlier. "You can go and buy a new scarf, they can't!"

Still, they are very cute. And it's not like they knew what their new bed was made of.


Yesterday was a hard day - as it should have been. We need to be held accountable for our actions. I needed to be questioned over it. I needed to prove that we did what was right, and better to start with people who know and trust you, before any sort of official enquiry gets going, if it does. Hopefully it won't.

Today was more back to normal. Bloody cold, but I rather like that. More work to be done.

Sherlock was asking me everything he could think of about this body that was found in a well down near Surrey. I do know some of the guys working on the case. Always odd, when you find bodies that have been there a while. Always very difficult. Sherlock is fascinated.


I got my new warrant card today. Says 'Detective Inspector Gregory M.F.W Lestrade - Metropolitan Police.'

John smiled a lot, and said "Not really what you needed, is it? Another initial?"

But I'm very proud to have it anyway :)

John cooked a lovely dinner today. And put up shelves yesterday! Domestic God, my husband.


There's snow on the ground in some parts of the UK. Sherlock is hoping we get some soon.

And Nicki and her lot are talking about coming down for a visit before Christmas, which would be nice.

They've also encased Eros in a snowglobe, for Christmas, to protect it. A very neat solution!

I have Eros facts...anyone else know any interesting facts about that little statue?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-24997591

Today

So...today.

Been staring at this blank page for quite a while now. And still not sure how I feel or what I think or how I say any of it. Here or to John or...anything.

Started so well. A solid arrest, based on good evidence.

Then this afternoon...it was horrible.

When I walked the beat, and was on treble nine calls all the time, well, inevitably, you see people die. From accidents, natural causes, all sorts. You're the one people call.

And that's...well, it's what you sign up for, and you sort of know. You get the calls over the radio, you get a bit of information. Even just a sentence. I don't know why it's different, it just is.


Today we were in the house of our suspect. Doing a search. I had a team of uniforms going through the house, I was downstairs, in the kitchen, talking to another family member. One who was understandably distressed, given the relationship between them and the suspect. But we were calming things down - trying to, explaining what would happen, how it would go.

Then there was a noise outside, and a kid slammed up against the back door - more than one kid. The door flew open, and he pretty much fell into the room. Already stabbed. More boys just...clambering over him, still trying to hurt him.

The officer I was with shoved some of them off him, I managed to grab his coat, drag him into the kitchen, we were all shouting, so uniform were heading for us.

We just tried to stop the bleeding. There was a lot. And as we were on the floor the kids were going for him and us.

It's...an odd feeling, when someone...stops being alive, under your hands. Can't describe it.

Uniform saved our skins, and then we're...it's just two of us, the other family member, and the kid.

We started CPR, but...you can't do it all, CPR and try to stem bleeding. We just kept going. I mean, you have to. You just keep going and hope when the paramedics show up that there's still enough for them to bring back. Hope there's something, and their magic machine can bring the person back.

It was only a small kitchen. There was blood soaking through our trousers. Running down my arm onto him. Just...you know, in this job, how much there can be, before...well, before you know there's too much on the floor, and nothing replacing it.

We just kept going.

And finally, when the ambulance arrived, for the first bit...I don't know, even when someone takes over, you don't want to stop.

They worked on him, but there was just nothing left. No life.

It wasn't a peaceful death. It was terrifying. He spent his last moments completely terrified. And it's hard to think about. Hard to know.


So...well, I won't be on that case now. And I've requested the whole investigation is turned over to the IPCC, just...to be sure.

So...I don't know. Feels quite surreal now. Can't quite believe it all happened.

And there is no god with a plan

Everyone's been very quiet. I've been working. Sherlock's been trying to read things he shouldn't, which serves me right for bringing it home.

John's been pottering about, mainly trying to sort out Sherlock's school gear, and helping with homework and tidying the kitchen that we all made a mess of. And offering me tea. Lots of tea. (Because he wants to help, and can't, so tea is the closest to help.)

It's very eye-opening, meeting the families of murder victims. There is such a broad range of reactions. Some people are so angry, some are numb.

The family I'm dealing with at the moment are incredibly quiet, polite, thankful. Makes me feel so much worse that we haven't caught anyone yet. The eldest, a boy, today when I was talking to his mum he fetched me some water and a got out biscuits. I mean, most kids wouldn't do that at the best of times - his dad's just been killed.

Doesn't make you any more determined to catch those responsible - you always want to do that. But maybe once it's done I'll feel more...glad. That they have that.


And I've been staring at this for so long it's now time to put Sherlock to bed.


Someone asked me today if I thought John and I would foster/care for other children, once Sherlock and Mycroft are all grown up.

Made me think.

your heart is in good hands

My better half. My husband to be. My partner. My boyfriend. He's a God. He really is.

Last night he made me get dressed up (well...okay, made me not wear my scruffy shorts and flip-flops), got me on the back of his bike, and took me off 'for dinner'. Except, when we got there, he produced a bag...and we weren't just having dinner, we were having a night away!

(I explained to Daniel. Showed him a picture of John. He obviously understood. I think I need to get M to send him somewhere far away for a bit... didn't like the look in his eye ;) )

We went up to our room to get out of our bike gear, and freshen up a bit, then headed downstairs.

The food was glorious. I went all out with seafood. Then, after dessert, we sat outside and had drinks as the sun set on a blazing hot London.

This morning we had a lazy morning in bed, a big breakfast, and then did a few things until we tracked the boys down :)

They'd had a good morning together - minimal bickering, both getting to do/see things they wanted to.


I've had to make a few brief calls for work. Basically, one of my officers discovered, a short way into an investigation, that the victim, her husband and their kids were known to her. From her own kids school - her daughter is in a class with the son of the family. Due to come to her daughter's birthday party in a few weeks. And now...now the Dad has hacked the mother to death in front of the kids. How do you begin to make sense of that as an adult, let alone a 7 year old? As my officer said 'At the weekend I was telling her not to be scared of werewolves. Now I'm telling her not to be scared of Daddies.'

I've interviewed a lot of kids who've seen terrible things, over the years. Always difficult. You don't want to make them relive it, but sometimes they're the only witnesses you have. And now...with our boys. It's just... You just never want to imagine that situation, ever.


Anyway, happier things! The wedding, as John said, is this month. We are...largely organised. Venue, date, each other, clothing, food, people, more people, people with things to do...music, dancing, first night together...all sorted!

I don't know where are rings are. I know where they were, but I'm hoping someone else knows where they are now! Mycroft, you got them? You will, afterall, have them on the day. (And I can't think of anyone I would rather have in charge of them.)

Murray, when are you free?

Walking in the sunshine town feeling very cool

Yesterday was okay. Somewhat strained. Nicky was a complete saint again, assuring Mum (and me) she'd help Mum around and keep an eye on her if she wanted to come to our wedding.

This morning there was an almighty thunderstorm - made the house shake! So I had a cuddly John on one side, and Sherlock decided to leap on us, so him on the other. Me valiantly trying to go to sleep...but no hope, with Sherlock outlining ever more insane plans for the day.

Today was...hot. And there were dead bodies and mortuaries and endless searches of areas in the blazing heat. It's not great for the state of bodies either - we're not used to decomposition in this sort of heat. Not something we usually deal with. Plus prepping appeals on old cases, all sorts.

One of the other DIs took a proper header down the stairs at the weekend, and looks like he's been on the losing side of a serious fight. He sent us a photo, so we knew he wasn't laying it on!

Err..other news. It's a boy! The press finally have something to talk about. I'm kind of sad that the news wasn't announced first on the easel, but via social media. Anyway, best of luck to them all.


Anyway...things... chatted to an old lady today, in the course of enquiries, and while we were chatting, she told me that sometimes the Chinese would attach these little whistles/flutes to pigeon's tail feathers, so when they flew they made soft whistly noises. You can find some examples on YouTube. Fascinating the things you find out about.

Other news...apparently it's against company policy for McDonald's to serve someone on a horse in
their drive-throughs.

Thanks for all your help with Sherlock's question the other day...I now feel like I know even less than before about vaginas.

In return for your help, have some cupcakes which look really quite disturbingly real at first glance.

Don't click if you're in public, or with small children, and care about what people see you looking at!

Forget about the bad times, oh yeah

I'm on holiday!

Very nice jog into work this morning - did it faster than I thought I would. And a decent jog home, too.

Mycroft's home, and they all came to see me earlier - I'd been out most of the morning for a stabbing, so it was great to get a chance to grab a coffee and see Mycroft. Hard to make the sudden shift from standing over a body to getting ready for a holiday...



But John's done a mountain of washing...and...well, yeah, we're ready to go!!

Sherlock has a new obsession with our flights over there, with the recent drama in the skies over the UK, and is generally interested in airline security. John, Mycroft and I have all begged him not to attempt to 'test' it in any way.

So...yeah. Just got to pack now, as we're off EARLY in the morning. Before the sort of time John would normally drag himself out of bed. :) Need to be out of the flat by half five, really.

Sherlock is packing. John is then unpacking most of that and putting in important things - toothbrushes, pants...

Mrs Hudson has sat her oral and written exams on degu care. Sherlock doesn't think she did well enough, and has left her reams of written instructions. One of the security guys has promised to get them out for a run around when he's here. Mrs H still isn't entirely sure about that, although she'll stroke them when they're out and about.

We're taking some good binoculars, so we can do a bit of stargazing. Sherlock wants to do everything at once. Beach, ice cream, mountains, cities, forts, spiral stairs for horses...everything RIGHT NOW.

I'm looking forward to very late night strolls through deserted streets, showing John where I ran riot as a kid. Trying to stop Sherlock doing the same ;) and I'm sure Mycroft will educate me on all the bits of the city I don't know enough about, and give me a whole new perspective.

Step beside the piece of the circumstance

Right, now peace has (sort of) descended, after Sherlock stealing one of my books for his own intellectual gain.... I shall attempt to write this entry and think about my presentation.

So...sorry, I can't even remember who asked about first responders (by which I don't mean medical first responders - I mean the first officers on the scene of a homicide/attempted.)

John is now laughing because he's reading chapter titles form my book.

Bet he wishes I'd brought home the snappily titled: "Template Protocol for the management of detainees who are suspected of swallowing or having packed drugs or foreign objects into body orifices or cavities"

Anyway...

yes, whoever it was, the very first priority is to establish if the 'body' is really dead. It becomes incredibly embarrassing for all concerned if they are discovered to be alive after an officer's been reeling out crime scene tape for half an hour and drinking tea given to them by locals and not rendering first aid.

So you always get a contaminated scene, basically. What the officers need to know is how to preserve it as best as possible. So, for instance, establishing a single entry/exit and walkway. Sketching/photographing the scene before moving things. Noting where the things were moved to. Starting the Crime Scene Log. ensuring no one enters the scene without protective clothing.

If the victim is still alive, then someone travelling to hospital with them, in case they can identify their attacker, or note a dying declaration (which can be used in court.) Preserving their clothes, getting a pre-transfusion blood sample preserved for evidence. If they die on the way to hospital/in hospital, making sure all the medical equipment used is left in place and not removed.

Obviously, there's lots to talk about, hence them wanting me to run a presentation!

But ask away, if you have specific questions.

I'm going to put Sherlock to bed...

Oh, and just to add - please sign this petition. The law they are trying to pass is completely horrific. If John and I were to live in Nigeria when this bill was passed we could be sentenced to death, just for being us. Jailed for ten years, just for living together, or holding hands, or wishing to be married. Please help people not as lucky as we are.  www.allout.org/nigeria-veto 

Some people might get some pleasure out of hate

Saw this quote today. Made me smile.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous toy."

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Damn. I just want Danger and play, no women... ;)


Someone asked about the case the other night.

We haven't made any arrests yet. Someone was stabbed down in the tube system.

I hate working in the tube. It's normally hot down there, but late at night, once the trains have stopped running, it gets roasting. (the only way that air gets circulated in the London Underground is that the trains push the air around through the tunnels.)

And nowadays, that reminds me of the hours - days - we spent down there after the bombings. Working in the sweltering heat, trying to find evidence, body parts, any clue as to who did it. Any items belonging to the dead or injured. Anything out of the ordinary. Squeezing into tiny spaces, through gaps in the twisted wreckage. We were down there for so long you had no clue when you came out if it should be night or day. You couldn't drink enough water, the paper suits stuck to you the second you walked in, sweat running off you.

Obviously it was all worth it. But now, whenever I'm down there, that's what I think of. The chaos, but also the calm, where there should have been millions of people heading to work, through the rush hour, the sound of the trains whistling through far off tunnels. There was none of that.


Anyway, one more day of work, then I shall be taking John out on a date on Thursday.

Skipping over

Well...I've been thinking about the eight things most of yesterday and allof today. Come up with precisely nothing.

Which isn't to say there isn't a way to win my heart, just that I'm not sure what it is. Apart from, you know, be John. But he already took that basic idea for his list.

Thought about things like 'not mind that sometimes I seem to spend more time caring about dead people than live ones'. But that's not really winning my heart, it's just what you have to put up with if you decide you want to spend time with me.

So, thought I'd skip to things that cross my mind a lot.
1. John
2. The boys
3. Old cases we never solved, the people involved, the victims.
4. Sex. Which I suppose comes under #1, so to speak.
5. My Dad
6. My family
7. The future

We Walk Together And Feel Alone

Sometimes...you just wonder what goes so wrong in some people's minds. Reading the news tonight...

I don't know. After all the years in my job, I feel like I shouldn't be shocked. Perhaps it's good I am though. Perhaps some things can't ever be understood. Some people. Some actions.

I'm Glad It's Your Birthday, Happy Birthday To You

Happy Birthday Mycroft!

Not sure about him, but we've definitely had a brilliant present in that he's at home with us! And taller than ever...

Fourteen. Unbelievable! Where does the time go??

Tomorrow we head off to Nicky's, with hounds and chaos in tow. Depending on the weather we might hit the Camera Obscurer and the observatory... or we might not :)

Carla and Mycroft have Skyped regarding the menu for tomorrow night already, so it looks like the rest of us will be getting the evening off!


The murder that got me out of bed the day before yesterday...or was it yesterday? It's all blurring into one... anyway, it isn't solved, it's very brutal, and the torrential downpours washed away most of the evidence. So it's not going too well. We're waiting on forensics now. (It isn't like on TV - we often have to wait a week to get forensics back, not ten minutes.) But we're all still busy as we've copped a stack of cold cases to review.

It really does feel like it may never stop raining. My bike gear barely dries before it's soaked again.

Lonely is the night

Spent a large part of yesterday with a 5 year old, a child psychologist and a specially trained officer, in a room, trying to extract any details from the child, without causing any more distress than was inevitable.

It's a long process, it can be infuriating, frustrating, difficult. It didn't really give us enough to justify it all in the end, but you don't know that until you try.

Spent a bit of last night dreaming that Molly had finally agreed to Sherlock performing an autopsy. And when I got close to the table, it was John they were cutting up. And Sherlock was utterly, totally excited and happy to be finally doing it, he hadn't even noticed. Spent the next bit of the night awake.

Tomorrow we're going to head out of the city, I hope. I think it's due to be very foggy again in the morning, but then stunning, like today. We can head off and forget about work, school, physio, all that. Just have a bit of fun.

But what is this, that I can't see

 

I imagine that some people get through their entire lives without seeing a dead body. I would think many people reach reasonably old age before doing so.

Probably sounds like an odd thing to say, but I'm glad Danger has. We have a sort of point of reference. We've both seen violence of the most extreme sort. We can sort of understand each other, a bit.

I mean, I imagine it's very different to see casualties of war than murder victims. I don't know why. I suppose I feel like if you're involved in a war, then in some ways you know what you're getting into. But then that doesn't hold true for the innocent bystanders - the people who find themselves living in a war zone. Even then, though, there's that sort of... knowledge, the fact that you must live fearing the worst, being surrounded by violence in such an over way.

Our Feelings We With Difficulty Smother

I'm more tired tonight than I was yesterday. Not that it matters, as tomorrow I'm on a rest day, and intend to take full advantage of that. Not sure Danger's actually told me when his bike lesson is - hopefully not too early. Although we still have to walk the boy wonder to school...

As mentioned in comments yesterday, my team is not a happy one right now. Well, most of them are okay, but one of my DCs is having a very difficult time. He's just not cut out for the MIT. I've helped him put in a transfer request, told him I'll give him a good write up. He's a very good copper, very conscientious, caring, thorough. But whereas in his CID he saw the early stages of a few murders, that's quite different to working them day in, day out. And I'm really glad he came and talked to me about it. There are loads of other departments he'd be great in. Not everyone's cut out to spend all day long thinking about the worst of humanity. I don't know how the officers on the team dealing with paedophilia or child pornography cope - I couldn't. But somehow, a body I don't really mind. Suppose it's just a bit...numbing, over time. You learn which things to focus on, how to keep going. And I'll admit that black humour comes into it, too. It sort of has to. Sometimes you need to laugh, or you'd cry.

Anyway, tomorrow's another day. John's lesson in the morning. My appointment at 1pm, re-arranging the Degu cage after we fetch Sherlock.

Speaking of, let's end on a high note. Have a pile of Goos. Mercury is making Argon look a little chubby here - although the amount of food they snaffle, it's not that surprising! But I do love them when they pile up and have a cuddle.

There's a shadow hanging over me

It's a bit odd, being in work on a Saturday.  But it's the price I'll pay for more days off - more weekends on. I think...I think it'll work out, though. I definitely look forward to spending more time with John - just the two of us, with the boys off at school. I think we need it. And if John works at the surgery sometimes, I'll also get a bit of time to myself on occasion. Which I've been missing, if I'm honest.

Yesterday, as some of you will have picked up, wasn't the best of days. Usually - and I hope you don't think this sounds callous - by the time a case reaches court, you just...you know everything there is to know, nothing's surprising any more. You can stand up, give your evidence, watch others give theirs, and in a way it's nice, to know you're nearly done of it. Another case over. Of course, if your suspect gets off, then that's very hard to cope with, because you just go over and over everything in your head, wondering what you could have done differently.

But they don't usually get off. Usually it's as much 'closure' as the family will ever get, watching someone be taken down from the dock. And as a police officer, you move on.

Yesterday's case I had to give evidence for wasn't my case - I was the officer on duty and called to the scene, which is why I was there to give evidence. I arrested the suspects, although then, because of various reasons, another team took over the investigation - a specialist team. But I still had to go to court to give my account of the murder scene, the suspects and why I arrested them, all of that. It's taken a long time to come to court, so there was a lot of evidence I hadn't known about - had no reason to. And it was a very brutal, violent case. Hard to hear it all. You can't help but look at the jury, wonder how they'll ever wipe it from their minds, and the family, the friends, how they must feel finding out the detail of what happened to their loved one.

I just hope the case goes well.

Anyway, have a picture of the inscription above the door of the Old Bailey.

Old bones.

I've been asked (told) to run a session at a conference again.

I've got to talk about sort of cold cases - basically, when a body is found that has clearly been there a long time. So, not cold cases in that they've been investigated, then shelved. Brand new case, old old bones. Or not so old. Anyway, it's not a topic I mind - far better than last year's! And I shouldn't complain, it is nice that people think highly enough of me to 'volunteer' me for such things.

Does mean two or three days away, though, which I'm less happy about. Speaking of, Danger, I'm off tomorrow, working Fri and Sat, off Sun to take Mycroft back to school (if he wants, given what happened as a result of us both being there last time.) so the three of us could do somethiing tomorrow, or if you want a break, Mycroft and I can do something together - go out on the bike or something?

I was sure I had other things to say...

You help me to forget to play my role

Had a pretty boring day today. Lots of waiting around in court as people got their act together.

The bloke we arrested the other day, for the 'Stinky House' case, pleaded guilty to manslaughter. But we want him for murder. So now that's settled, after far more waiting about than there should have been, we have to wait for a court date, when a jury will decide.

So, in the course of today, I've had far too much time to think about my mum, and her jealous drunken ranting (I'm fairly sure jealousy is where it lies. I have everything she's always wanted. And that can't seem very fair, really. I do feel bad for her, just because I understand how horrible it can be to be lonely.)

And I...faced a few home truths. The person you see in the mirror isn't the person everyone else sees, is it? Quite the opposite, in fact.