She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing

So, home, dried off, gear now dripping dry over the bath. I'm snuggled up with my husband, who I've missed a lot today.


Went to see Mum today. Although I suppose I mainly went to see Nicky.

We met up at Mum's old house. The little garden is really overgrown, and now all dead for winter. Needs a lot of tlc. But it wasn't the weather for that today. And anyway, whoever gets it won't care. It's theirs to do as they like with, they'll undoubtedly just be happy to have somewhere to live.

The house does seem empty, without her, and her few things she's taken. They let you sort of, do out your room, if you want, with your own furniture. So she took the table out of her room, and one of the armchairs, and a bookcase and TV. And there wasn't loads else. Beds, the rest of the three-piece suite, a horrible kitchen table and chairs.

Nicky said she'd asked if any of the others wanted anything, but Sam and Rach didn't. Danny didn't answer.

We went through the few books she'd left - there were barely any anyway. Just recipe books, a few things people have bought her over the years. Mostly untouched, spines still uncreased.

And then there's photos. As Nicky said, none from when we were small, unless other people had given them to her. But some from later in our childhood, when the others where still quite young.

Very few, though. Cost money, didn't it, to buy your film, get it developed. So it only happened on special occasions. There's a few holiday pictures. Mostly with the men of her life in them. I don't know if she'll want them.

The ripple effect is too good not to mention.

Well...we're mainly sorted for Christmas now. Few bits of food still to get, but basically...

Sherlock cannot wait to finish school. He is absolutely bursting for Christmas to arrive. And snow. But Christmas is a certainty, and snow very much isn't. Rain is though. Lots of it.

Mycroft is carefully planning food on Christmas Day, along with Mrs Hudson. Trying to balance everything, and resist Sherlock's more bizarre desires.


Last post I talked a bit about Mum's stuff, and Nicky. I'm going to get down to see them...probably Monday. Maybe Sunday into Monday.

John offered to come with me, but...I have no idea if it's a good idea or not. We're literally clearing stuff out, as in...if it's very special, it might be kept, but otherwise... I don't have any space here, the flat is packed with just us in it. Nicky doesn't really have any room, and the council want the flat back as fast as possible.

Also...well, what's the point of keeping things? Mum doesn't even want to look at anything, she says she's got everything she needs. (Nicky...has kept some things for her anyway. Things she thinks Mum would miss in the long run. We all know how stubborn Mum can be, and don't actually want her to suffer for it.)

As for me...I don't think there's anything of my family history that she has that I want. That's part of why it's so hard sorting it all out. There's all sorts of things that none of us particularly want reminding of. It's also why Nicks shouldn't do it all on her own, though.


Anyway, last night we went out and bought baubles.

Here's mine.

It's like a drop shape, and the 'holes' all sort of meet in the middle. It's a bit odd, but I like it. And it's another tradition ticked off the list.


Other notable news is that Danger can breathe easy - the law against 'Being an incorrigible rogue' was repealed this year. He is no longer at risk of me arresting him ;)

I also found out the other day that for some time, in the mid 1900s, all policemen had to be trained to catch swans. I have no idea why, but apparently the best could catch two swans at once!

Yesterday was 30 years since the Harrods bombing. Six people were killed, three of them police officers. I think it showed, during the more recent terrorist actions, who had lived through past campaigns. A sort of world weariness. Compared to people who had never been through anything like it.

Anyway, I'm out tonight, on the lash with the team, and whoever else we mop up from around the yard. I apologise in advance for anything I may say in comments...

Little things I should've said and done, I never took the time

Today's been good.

Sherlock was up bright and early, demanding breakfast and wanting to go out right then and start having fun.

He was persuaded to sit down and eat his breakfast on the end of our bed. Then, once he'd settled down a little, he was persuaded to re-enact his parts of the play yesterday.

It was slightly hard to tell what was going on, given that he thought I'd somehow be able to work out exactly what all the missing characters were also doing... but anyway, he was a nasty storm, and very angry, with lots of lightning bolts, at first...but then, through some sort of...well, I'm not really sure why, but eventually he ended up showing that the earth needed his rain to grow things, and...he stopped being so nasty? Turned into gentle rain? I'm unsure... there was singing, and violin playing, and it all seemed to end well, which was the main thing, I suppose? It would have been nice seeing all the other kids. But from John's photos I think there were farmers/gardeners, plants, some animals...and assorted other things. A rainbow, there was definitely a rainbow.

He might be able to explain more, if he chooses to. You know what kids are like, once his attention is elsewhere, this will seem so unimportant it's as if he can't even remember it.

Anyway, Mycroft took us all ice skating at the Natural History Museum this morning, once we'd congregated. I do wish there was a way we could get the dogs on the ice - they'd be hilarious. But we can't. And luckily they aren't allowed in the museum, or they'd be on their toes with half a diplodocus before you could say 'sit!'.

Whilst John, Mark and the kids all dived into the museum (well...John may have been dragged... entry is not made faster by Sherlock quizzing the security guards, I believe. "Are you looking for bombs? Have you ever found a bomb? What would you do if you found a bomb? Why would people want to blow up a museum?" etc...) Nicky and went and found coffee and had a chat about Mum. Well, Mum and her house, all her stuff. She can only take a certain amount with her, into her new place. She's being very unhelpful about it, and Nicky's got the hard task of going through everything. Dragging up a lot of memories. I feel bad for not being there, but...well, I'll go down as soon as I can. Sam's been back and forth, helping. Danny hasn't, but I feel sure he'll turn up at some point, see what he can get.


Anyway, then Mycroft cooked us all a lovely dinner, with only a bit of help, from me and Carla, and Sherlock helped make mince pies, and took some down to Mrs Hudson (and probably ate most of them while he told her about our day...we'll take her some more.)

And finally...peace.

Tomorrow Nicky etc. have to go home, so in the afternoon there is a rumour we may buy a tree....

I fell in love at the seaside.

Soo...I did say I might put a picture of John up. But I don't have loads, really. I mean, I don't take a lot of pictures of John, or of anyone, really. I usually take pictures of things. And I refuse to put up the one of him looking gorgeous in bed the other morning, gazing out of the window. It's not risqué or anything, but it's...well, not for sharing.

So, yes, had a lovely night away. The staff were lovely, the food was brilliant, the spa was amazing (and empty, most of the time! Why wasn't everyone in there??)

There was a hot tub outside. We walked serenely out to it. We ran back, steaming, before important parts of us crawled back from whence they came...

We went for a walk on Sunday morning, out to the coast.

The redoubtable beast has had Pegasus pills

I definitely need a day off. And I haven't got one, but two :)

Tomorrow we're off to see Mycroft. Biscuits have been baked. John and Sherlock went out to one of the markets today, and returned with some gorgeous food, and Sherlock has a printing block of a Fiddler Crab. I asked, and John just told me it was far better than what we could have ended up with! (Things including a small trumpet of some sort. Bullet dodged!)

So...three years. Seems like forever. Yet also like no time at all. I can't believe that we've known the boys for three years. I can't believe how much they've changed - how much we've all changed! Can't believe we've gone from Professional Police Officer and Suspected Serial Killer, to Unprofessional Police Officer and Unlikely Suspect to Husband and...Husband ;)

But we have. And I really couldn't be happier with our lives together.

A year ago, just gone, Mum had her stroke. She's been to see the place we think she'll be living. She's...quiet, Nicky says. I imagine she's a bit scared. The nurse visiting her says she really does need to try and give up the booze and fags. I don't know, though. I don't know how cruel that is. I'm not actually sure how much point there is giving things up when you have so little to live for.

I hope she makes some friends.


Sherlock is involved in thinking about Christmas. Namely, all the things he wants for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, he wants to buy us things, too. Things he likes ;) Still, he's wonderfully enthusiastic about it all, which is nice, most of the time. Makes up for some of us not quite being in the Christmas spirit yet ;)

Poor old Mycroft is locked in a battle of wills with his Mum. It's a tough choice, I guess. Obviously she wants to protect the boys. But he's a young man now... hard to know how to play it, I guess.


The cricket's not going so well, eh? Or the rugby... oh dear. But Arsenal are doing okay ;)

Have a picture of a fellow officer I met today. Very handsome chap. I may have stroked his ears...

Must be someone else. Must be someone else. Must be,

Having one of those days. When everything feels like it's far too hard to deal with. Thinking, doing things, everything. But life goes on around, so have to try and keep up, right?

We're...about 90% sure that Mum needs more care than she can get at home. Nicky and I have both talked to her about it.

She's less...against it than she has been.

Nicky's going around some places that have wardens and things - so she'll still have her own space, but she'll also have more help. We hope.

Obviously she still thinks we're just spying on her and don't trust her. But I think she's realising she needs it, too.


Ah, forgot I was writing this. Can't remember what I was going to say now.

Have a song. It's on a playlist I've been listening to a bit recently. I like it.




Sherlock is full of beans about fireworks. I'm not sure what we'll do this year. I'm trying very hard to keep up with his enthusiasm. It's not easy. I don't know how John manages for so many hours a day.

I feel bad when I'm like this, at work, at home, feel like I'm just about keeping up with the essentials and not really...involving myself any more.


One of my cases is very difficult at the moment. I mean, they all are, in their own ways, but this one...there's three young boys, and we believe one of their parents murdered the other. Then committed suicide. How do you deal with that when you're only 6 or 7 years old? That's your whole world, isn't it. Everything you know.

I do just want to bring them all home. Take care of them all.

Last night I headed out to the river, by the barrier. I like it out there.

Except when I went to start the bike up again I realised that I'd forgotten I was almost out of petrol...and now I wasn't going to get far. Anyway, luckily, John and Sherlock came to my rescue. I'm very lucky to have them, willing to help me.

Walking in the sunshine town feeling very cool

Yesterday was okay. Somewhat strained. Nicky was a complete saint again, assuring Mum (and me) she'd help Mum around and keep an eye on her if she wanted to come to our wedding.

This morning there was an almighty thunderstorm - made the house shake! So I had a cuddly John on one side, and Sherlock decided to leap on us, so him on the other. Me valiantly trying to go to sleep...but no hope, with Sherlock outlining ever more insane plans for the day.

Today was...hot. And there were dead bodies and mortuaries and endless searches of areas in the blazing heat. It's not great for the state of bodies either - we're not used to decomposition in this sort of heat. Not something we usually deal with. Plus prepping appeals on old cases, all sorts.

One of the other DIs took a proper header down the stairs at the weekend, and looks like he's been on the losing side of a serious fight. He sent us a photo, so we knew he wasn't laying it on!

Err..other news. It's a boy! The press finally have something to talk about. I'm kind of sad that the news wasn't announced first on the easel, but via social media. Anyway, best of luck to them all.


Anyway...things... chatted to an old lady today, in the course of enquiries, and while we were chatting, she told me that sometimes the Chinese would attach these little whistles/flutes to pigeon's tail feathers, so when they flew they made soft whistly noises. You can find some examples on YouTube. Fascinating the things you find out about.

Other news...apparently it's against company policy for McDonald's to serve someone on a horse in
their drive-throughs.

Thanks for all your help with Sherlock's question the other day...I now feel like I know even less than before about vaginas.

In return for your help, have some cupcakes which look really quite disturbingly real at first glance.

Don't click if you're in public, or with small children, and care about what people see you looking at!

I'm not doing it for the money, or for the chicks.

Well, little Jess is no longer very little. She crawls about, chews things, makes lots of loud noises, and is generally inquisitive and energetic.

But she still lets her uncle have a cuddle when she wants a drink ;)

She's absolutely brilliant - loads of hair, too! She had a great time at her party, with a whole load of other little rug rats, all scattering about over the grass and picnic rugs.

There were quite a few older kids there, too, so we had a game of footy, and various games of tag and things. The dogs love a good game of tag. I'm certain we would have all got grass-stains, had there been a single blade of grass left alive in England ;)

We gave Rach and Mum their invites to the wedding. I'm...not even going to discuss Mum's reaction.

Well, I probably will, but not now. Might go and see her tomorrow morning, before we head back to London.

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

Just in case you missed it, someone won Wimbledon.

I mean, they didn't win the place. The Wombles would go mad, being sold off and privatised. They just won a game of tennis.

I won't tell you who, just in case. But anyway, you probably heard John whooping about it.


So...Friday night. I got to Nicky's, and we drove over to Danny's. I don't know what we thought we'd do. I honestly...no, I just don't know. But I hoped we'd be able to talk. Like adults.

But no, felt like I was ten again, holding Danny while he bit me and tried to knee me in the bollocks and Nicky was crying and...nothing was ever going to change.

You can't stand where I stand, you can't walk where I walk

This is going around the Yard. Most of them find it hilarious - but a few of us remember joining up when it was exactly like this!

I remember it very clearly, joining up, living out at Hendon, the studying, the exams...the whole interview thing. And finally getting through it all. The parade. And then realising how 15 weeks isn't enough training for anyone.




Still, here I am, many years later. Still doing the job. Of course, I didn't even dream of working at the Yard then. None of us did. We were happy just to get a posting, didn't care where.

Sherlock wants to be allowed to take something police-related into some sort of special show-and-tell type thing at school. He wanted a taser. Obviously that's not going to happen. So now he wants a baton.

Have you ever, Felt like you could do better

Yesterday was just fantastic. John's face when he got back home to find me...went from a frown, obviously worrying why I was home so soon...so wide eyed open-mouthed amazement as I held up the tickets.

Mrs H was great. I asked her about it at the weekend, and she said she'd see what she could do. A few hours later I had a name and an address I had to go and pick them up from :)

She said, and I agreed, that John deserved one last day of freedom and fun on his own (well, with me hanging on) before the summer holiday hit and he was being used for entertainment by Sherlock 24/7. Well - apart from when John's at his other work. It'll be a nice rest for him ;)

So, yeah, I had a bit of a crash course in tennis.


Today was work. Lots of catching up. And in the middle of it all Family decided it would rear its head. Danny is...being a complete pain in the arse.

Still, got home to find a few caterpillars have...chrysallisified themselves. (Whatever it's really called).

I have a feeling we may need to shift them off the dying nettle they are attached to. We'll see.


Now listening to more music for the wedding.

Didn't hear a gun shot, Smellin' hell or nature

Being all domesticated and doing a spot of sewing. (Sleeve of a shirt that got ripped in a scuffle a few weeks back.)

This has meant that John and I each received the 'gift' of a kumquat which Sherlock had dissected and sewn back together. Yum. Well-handled and post-operating-theatre kumquat is my favourite.

Some of you will read that I had a...conversation with Mum today.

Have since heard back from Rach, and Mum is fine. I mean...well, she's not, but she didn't have another stroke or anything, just the usual. She's...angry about a lot of things. And doesn't yet want our help. Or my help. Not quite sure which. We are too alike sometimes.

Our tomatoes down at the allotment have lots of flowers on them - we spent a fiddly time trying to tie them to stakes the other day.

Lyrically perform armed robbery, Flee with the lottery, Possibly they spotted me

Well, here it is:

The lovely new bike.

It's a lovely ride. Light, big wide bars so it handles like a dream. Nippy, and powerful. Brilliant braking system. All round a lovely bike. I'd prefer it to still have the big round lights, not the odd shaped ones it has - but the rest of the bike makes you forget that pretty fast! It's brilliant.

I'm going to ride it for a week or so, then I'll re-adjust the suspension and things to suit me. Probably get a fly screen. We'll see. I'm happy to get add ons later and tinker with it for a bit to get it perfect.

Sherlock is happy because it matches his kit. I think he thinks it's his bike, and I'm just the chauffeur...

And, on to more of Italy!

As the moon hung proud and bright

John got called out a bit ago. I'm glad, really - it would have been a let down, for his first shift not to have a call out. He wouldn't have slept regardless, I'm sure!

Sherlock was already in bed, and didn't wake up when he went in to say goodbye, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't get up sometime soon to check on the situation. We searched his room for alarms, but he could have hidden one somewhere.

So...all new to me, this thing of being the one left behind. I've done some chores, and now my time is my own.

Been thinking a lot about Italy. About how it makes me feel.

I believe I've waited long enough

Firstly, given other comments on John's blog:

Grate two courgettes, chuck in a bowl, mix in 5 tablespoons of flour and three eggs. Season. Chop up a pepper, maybe some onion - whatever you have, really. Chuck in a pan with a bit of oil. Throw in any extras you want - feta, halloumi, bacon, whatever. Season. Either set this aside once it's cooked, and use the same pan again, or get another pan, spoon in big spoonfuls of the courgette batter, cook, flip, cook. Eat.

I walked to and from work today. Needed to...well, get moving a bit. And it's quite nice, London, when it's quiet and the weather's half-decent.

I've been going over and over this one thing in my head.

I can't understand myself anymore

I rang Mum today, in what I will laughably refer to as my lunch break.

I'm not sure what I've done this time, but she wasn't very interested in talking to me. So I spent the time telling her about what John and the boys are up to, and asking her about various things I know she's seen/done since she was home (well primed by Nicky). Didn't approach the cat idea. I dunno, it just takes the wind out of my sails. I try to get properly upbeat before calling, but after I'm always completely flat.

Still, mug of coffee later and back dealing with cases.


John and I are going to go out suit shopping. I do love a nice suit. I do love John in a nice suit.

Probably going to check out a few more tailors, until we find something for John as a sort of everyday-suit, and somewhere we might trust to work on our wedding suits. There's a tailor called Cad & The Dandy I want to try, and a few others that sound sort of...promising. Also very well aware time marches on, and we've done, essentially, nothing yet.

I think I'll be almost as excited the day we get the licence in our hands as the day we actually tie the knot!


In other news - don't attempt to run your dishwasher with washing up liquid in it. Yes, Sherlock, we know it's what you use to wash dishes...but it just doesn't work in the dishwasher. It makes it gurgle in a bad way. And completely fills with bubbles. Which, I know, you think is great. Hence our flat looking like a 90s nightclub now.

Oh, and upon getting to work this morning, there was a halo over my staff photo, wings stuck on the name plate on my door, 'Angel' taped over where it normally says 'DI' and 'Gives you wings' plastered across the coffee maker...

Or maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know wrong from right

We had to give Mycroft back to school :(

Obviously we knew we had to - we were lucky he could even get away for the night, really.

Our fifteen year old takes his first exam - Astronomy - on Wednesday, and he still has all his usual schoolwork to do, so...well, yes.

He really is a complete joy to be around. He's clever, witty, funny, good for a conversation, just...well, a great young man. We're very lucky to know him.

At the allotment yesterday, well, I know we're probably a bit of a shock to the general gardening population up there. Sherlock's a shock to most people, frankly. And John and I haven't exactly been...subtle about our relationship. But, you know, why should we be? So that guy yesterday, it was a bit of s surprise, mainly because I was with the boys. I'd half been expecting something like it when it was just me and John.

I didn't really know what to say to him. I was about to get in his face and tell him what I thought, and pull my warrant card if he got nasty... but then Mycroft starts talking, totally calmly, really polite, telling him it was inappropriate to use such language in front of Sherlock, that his homophobia was not acceptable, and that any private relationship between John and me had nothing to do with him anyway.

I'm just so constantly impressed by how grown up and sensible he is. Completely level-headed. He's honestly one of the best people I know to talk to, because you know everything he says is so considered, but also from the heart.


Mum's home. Not in 'a home' but back in her own. Nicky had some advice, and they've fitted the place with some grab rails, things to make it easier for her to get about. I know I need to go and visit, but I'm not sure when I'll have a chance. Nicky's been there, Rach has, too, but they're both busy.

She said Mum's glad to be home, but...I don't know, must be a bit odd, being alone. I know she doesn't like it. I suppose I'm just worried what she'll do. Think about it a lot. One of the ways we're similar is not being so good with our own company all the time.

And as the sunset faded I spoke to the faintest first starlight

It's quiet.

We've gone from having Mycroft, Carla, Paul, Sherlock and two dogs to just Sherlock, all in a couple of hours. The flat seems very still.

We had a fantastic day today. Motorbikes, mud, the six of us...it was chaotic, crazy, but just loads of fun. The weather was perfect - recent rain, but beautiful today. We were with a good group to get out on the trails - everyone was fairly experienced. We got some real speed on. Got some good air off some kickers, it was just...yeah, great. I only fell of twice. One of them was a landing that I got all sorts of wrong - and the source of my (extra) painful bum.

Yesterday all the kids behaved impeccably. And ensured their greater freedom in the future, by being so responsible.

So, firstly, Sherlock and Paul said I had to post this:

Some people think you've got to like your life one way, I disagree.

Took the boys (all three of them) and the cupcakes (all 24 22 20 19 of them - and John, I KNOW it was you that...who?...ate the fifth one!) off to see Mum, and after, Nicky and family.

I...might have scared everyone a bit, because we got to the ...home, or whatever you call it, and, well, I'd thought about it a lot all the way there, and I'm just determined that she won't bloody ...bring me down, you know? So I told them to follow my lead. And then became some sort of...clown-like, manically happy just...I don't know. You know the sort of really annoying person who just turns everything around to try and make it all happy and cheery, when all you want to do is have a cathartic moan? Like...incapable of talking about a serious subject? Yeah...everything she said that was heading off to negativity I jollied her out of. I got Sherlock to tell her all about his school chicks/chickens, John told her about his birthday weekend, and Murray visiting, Mycroft told her all about his astronomy trip later in the year... we just bombarded her with stuff.

At the end I mentioned what she might do after she's released... she still wants to go home, so...well, we talked about that a bit. About her getting some help, getting her house adapted...that sort of thing. She didn't really want to talk about that, though...so, well, I'll try again. I'm not sure she really wants to face the idea, despite being adamant about it all.

Then we went off to see Nicky, Carla, Paul and Mark. Had a lovely time. I was co-erced into giving motorbike rides (by my niece, nephew and sister!) and it was just nice to spend a bit of time there.

But now we're home again. Sherlock is moaning that we gave away ALL the cupcakes.


Heard Maggie Thatcher died. I've got...no love for her, putting it mildly. But the sort of comments about being glad she's dead I find very distasteful. I'd rather her policies had died - many of them, sadly, live on. She wasn't a leader anymore - she had no power. She was just an old lady. A mother. And I don't think anyone should celebrate a death.

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

Spent today stuffed in a dark evidence store, breathing the dust of a thousand ruined lives.

Started coughing when we got in there...haven't stopped yet. Feels like I'm smoking again - that permanent slight-lack-of-breath. Like, just on the verge of panting. In Sherlock's words, 'it's stupid'.

Anyway, slowly building this case back up from the mess it was left in. Hope we can get enough together to make it stick. I think we will, but it's all more time and stress the family of the victim don't need.

Heard this today - I think it's brilliant.