I've been trying to write this for a while now. I mean - I have been writing it for a while now, but I've been trying to get the words right. Which hasn't been easy, because I don't find being very serious that easy, outside of work.
A few of you have said, recently, how much I've changed since the start of this blog, over a year ago. And I have, I know.
Reading back over some of my entries...I don't know. I don't like myself much. And I don't mean that in...well, a bad way. It was how I was, and it's taken everything it's taken to get where I am now. No shortcuts available. A few of you said you liked a quote I put up in comments, and if any of you missed it, I think it bears repeating:
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. - Mark Twain
I think at the beginning of my relationship with John and the boys I was...prepared to fail. Almost so prepared that I was sabotaging myself. I was imagining they were thinking things which, now, I can see they weren't. I was seeing them as their backgrounds and their education and projecting my past experiences onto them, and not seeing them really at all.
I thought they'd quickly get bored of me and move on to better, brighter, things. Not because that was something they'd do, but because it was something others had done to me.
Whereas now I know that I'm more than my upbringing and my education and my background, just as they and all of you are. There's no point in worrying and comparing when there's nothing to compare - we compliment each other, we're not competing.
So I hope that as I've gained confidence and trust because they've shown me patience and love, I've managed to reflect that back to them, and we've all grown together.
Mycroft's off back to school on Sunday, and we really really miss him when he's gone - I think it's almost harder knowing he's so close, but not with us. But in a way, our missing each other shows even more how we've all come to rely on one another.
I never thought I'd have this sort of a family. I never thought I'd meet someone like John. Honestly, I never really thought I'd fall in love again. And now I haven't just fallen in love with an amazing, kind, wonderful man, who surprises me with nights in posh pubs with huge bathtubs, but I've fallen back in love with life.
I couldn't have done it without you lot.
I couldn't have done it without The two Mrs Hs, or Anthea. Definitely couldn't have done it without the boys.
And above all, couldn't have done it without John Watson.
Like I said, I've been struggling with the words for this, and John Deacon sort of sums it up best, so I'll let Queen say the rest:
92 comments:
Awwwwwwwwwww! ; u; Such nice words. All I can say is that I'm glad you're happy and in love with life again.
Thanks. Me too :)
I could cry at your realisation Greg no one deserves you more that you give them, I wish I had people who deserved me like your boys deserve you. If I can look on life in 12 twelve months time and see what you see I will think my self more lucky that I ever deserve to be,
xxx
that was more me than anyone else on earth sorry :-(
xxx
Right, so, I might've teared up a bit reading this the first time. Gregory Martin Finchley Lestrade, you're an amazing man, better and brighter than just about anyone I've known, and I love you...more than I know how to say.
I've fallen back in love with life.
And that makes me happier than anything.
(You wondered what it would take to get me to call you by your full name, apparently this was it. And now I'll get back in bed and warm my feet on you. )
AnonyBob - I hope you find people who can make you feel like I do, everyone deserves that.
And John... if I'm better and brighter, then it's because you're seeing yourself reflecting in me, as I hope we all reflect each other, now we're together.
(and I've been told to stay in bed by the boys, who are 'doing breakfast' for all of us. I sort of hope Mycroft is in charge of the menu...)
I can't think of much that would make rainbow breakfast but I hope you got something nice :-)
I hope you all have a lovely day :-)
Anonybob
Well done, you Silver fox, you! Congratz on falling back in love with life! Congratulations on finding yourself such amazing companions too - because even though they've helped you and all (and did amazing job of it too), it was your decision at least to try and form some relationship with John, with Sherlock and Mycroft and with all the rest. Without you making even a little bit of deciding "okay, let's try it with them" it would simply not happen this way at all!
So, again, well done al of you guys. You are all amazing!
PS, speaking about habits, this picture totally made me think of both L (coffee) and Sherlock (the face on the cat) at the same time :-)
I'm so happy for you L (and Doc) because you both deserve each other; just delighted that so much has changed for you and that not only are you in love with the Doc, but that you're in love with life.
Whenever I listen to that Queen song I always expect the next track to be "Don't Stop Me Now", which kinda seems appropriate.
Have a great weekend all four of you.
I wanted to do rainbows but Mycroft said that carrot and sweetcorn wasn't breakfast, so instead I cut up fruit so it was sort of rainbow, but we didn't have any blueberries but the yoghurt was sort of purple a bit, and Mycroft made scrambled eggs and toast and bacon and we put tomato with that so it was red and then coffee and tea and I think John and Lestrade liked it and I liked it too. And now I want to go out on our bikes because it's not raining and buy aubergines.
Mycroft, Sherlock, it was a fantastic breakfast, and very kind of you both to make it for us. You're both wonderful young men.
CR - that's a great picture :)
And thanks, all of you. John really is my best friend in the world, and I'm just so glad we found each other, both gave it a shot (yes, with a bit of nudging from Mrs Hudson!) and ...well, glad about everything.
Mycroft, Sherlock - that breakfast sounds wonderful; I'm really rather jealous.
Lestrade - This post is just wonderful. You've worked so hard to let yourself be open and trusting, it's great to see how happy and loved you are now. How happy and loved you all are now, really. You shouldn't underestimate the difference you've made to the boys' lives, or to John. <3
SH - "Whenever I listen to that Queen song I always expect the next track to be "Don't Stop Me Now" - me too :-)
Some people on here need to pull themselves together!!!
Thrilled to my toes for the both of you, for all of you. You've created a beautiful family of and for each other. And this:
John really is my best friend in all the world
Ding ding ding, we have a winner. In my humble opinion a relationship will never survive, never thrive and make it over the tougher times if you don't have that. I just want to hug you both, or give you fistbumps or slaps on the back or whatever!
Great advice anon thanks.
Sorry everyone for my current crappy mood I am indeed going to 'pull myself together'
Thanks for the offer of a hug SH it was very nice of you
Mycroft - I hope school is ok once you are back or that you can come up with a plan to make it better
Greg - I hope your department haven't built a paperwork fort around your desk while you've been on your course. ;-)
John - are you back at your second job this week? if so I hope there are enough sick people to keep you busy but not so many it's stressful
Sherlock - enjoy rainbow dinner :-) (breakfast sounded lovely too)
Anonybob
Psh, Anonybob, I wouldn't worry about whatever anon said. I have a habit of ignoring completely anon anons that like to tell everyone else how to behave on the blogs.
Don't worry, Anon, knowing these blogs people will take themselves in hand, get a good grip, and there'll be more innuendo than you can shake a stick at coming along directly.
Anonybob - I hope Anon wasn't talking about you. It's perfectly reasonable to be in a crappy mood when crappy things are happening. We're here if you want to vent, you know that, right? Hope things improve for you soon :-)
AnonyBob - I think anyone who's been reading these blogs - or even this post - should realise that pulling yourself together is easier said than done, and definitely easier with people around to support you. And if we, here, can support each other during the hard times... well, it's more than I ever imagined when I started this blog, and it's great.
Anonybob - Everyone is allowed to fall apart once in a while and those who don't should count themselves either lucky or unfortunate. Lucky because they don't have drama in their lives, or they have a support system that catches them in RL. Unfortunate because those who only see fair weather may never know who they can count on as friends.
From the little you've said, it sounds like you're going through a rough patch right now. We're here to offer as much support / cheerleading you need, as well as creative innuendo. :) *hugs*
CR - That picture made my morning!
Greg, John - It makes me smile to know that there are happy couples like you who aren't perfect, but perfect enough that evertything else doesn't matter. (Oh, I hope that came out right....)
The thought of the four of you cherishing each other is making me so happy, and I'm just a mere spectator! It's so good to hear that you've got three reasons to smile every single day.
Anon - I think it's very important that people realise you don't need to be perfect to have good things happen to you.
Innie - thanks.
Greg - Yep, at the end of the day, the people who love me are the people who accept me as I am. There are days when I wonder if I'm going to end up as a crazy cat-lady, but then I look at the people I know and realize...Life surprises you in both good (and not so good) ways.
I hope you've had a lovely weekend with John and the boys!
-A from NW (who isn't sure why her signature was eaten in the above comment...)
I am having a lovely weekend. And just got to the stage of having time to laze about all over John :)
Although tomorrow is baking day...aubergine biscuits, here we come.
Well, have a chinchilla for a good night.
Mmm, baking day - I suppose I could bake some muffins...
enjoy your lazing Greg :-)
Glad you're having a good weekend.
Anonybob
That is a wonderful post, L, and it makes me ridiculously happy.
Sherlock, a rainbow of fruit and yogurt and all sounds very cheerful and pretty and tasty and breakfast appropriate!
It sounds like you had a very nice Saturday and I hope your Sunday is just as good!
Anony, you go on being who you are--everyone is entitled to have bad times and to share those as well as the good ones.
And now I am going to see if a hot shower will help settle some of this pollen, as the a.c. (which I don't need otherwise) doesn't seem to be helping my alarmingly swollen eyes very much at all...
You're a good man, Greg Lestrade, and you always have been even if you were hiding from yourself for a bit. I'm pleased you're so happy now.
Doc, you've really set the bar high and reset my expectations of what a relationship looks like. How are you so awesome that you can change hearts and minds thousands of miles away just by being yourself?
Sherlock, you're such a thoughtful guy it's amazing. Someone's going to be lucky to have you in a relationship some day, just like your family's lucky to have you in it now.
Mycroft, all I can say is keep on keepin' on. And what's your secret to brother wrangling? I can't ever seem to get mine to listen to me like Sherlock does you. :)
Hope you all have a good day :-)
Was rainbow dinner yesterday Sherlock? I hope it was nice if it was :-)
If its as sunny there as it is here I hope you have outdoor plans at some point, obviously not instead of baking day ;-)
Anonybob
I also meant to say this post made me think of this song, which has now been stuck in my head all day, so thanks for that. (Luckily, it's one of my favorites). :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM7zb5FMmLM
That's kind of sweet DW.
Taking on board your brilliant advice on habits Greg I have spent some of my weekend writing down (you might call it ranting) all the things that are currently a mess in my life. It’s strange but somehow putting it all on paper has really straightened my brain out :-) I’m not yet anywhere close to ever sharing my brain with anyone, thank you everyone for offering to listen though, but putting it in black and white seems to have really helped so it’s a step towards better habits I believe. :-)
You and your boys really are an inspiration Greg :-) and not just in the big stuff. Following Sherlock’s rainbow dinner suggestion today we’ve had roast chicken, roast purple potatoes, sprouts, carrots and corn on the cob followed by strawberries, blue berries, black berries and ice cream. I’m not sure we managed all the colours of the rainbow but I think we did quite well :-)
Anonybob
That's me, kholly. All sweetness and light, all the time*.
Hmmm, whoever has taken over DW's body, could we have her back please? I'm afraid I don't recognise that description of her ;)
Hey! There was an asterisk, thankyouverymuch!
Lestrade, got a legal question for you.
Does riding a tricycle around a circuit on private property (not on any roads) while stopping at stations to drink wine out of a box count as driving under the influence? Helmets will, of course, be worn.
...hypothetically, of course.
I don't know about what they sell in your place, but if you considered drinking Czech boxed wine, that should totally be illegal, DUI or not (the stuff smells like sewers!)...
DW - does this hypothetical tricycle have an engine or does the rider need to pedal it themself?
Rider-propelled, like so:
http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_545/1286605838s14714.jpg
DW, it is my (completely hypothetical) understanding that in the US, the laws that pertain to public land also pertain to private land re: driving. However, whether a bicycle (or, presumably a tricycle) is considered a "vehicle" under the terms of the relevant statues depends on the state and the state's case law. Some states do, in fact, considered non-motorized vehicles to be "vehicles" under the meaning of the DUI laws.
(Would that sound more legal-like if I threw in some "heretofor"s and "wherein's?)
I think the helmets will make all the difference DW ;-)
Sounds like a lot of fun, hypothetically of course ;-)
Anonybob
DW - in this country, you'd be fine to do that, as far as the law goes, as it's private property.
Fantastic. :) If I were to do such a thing, I'd let you know how it goes. I'm sure much hilarity would ensue.
(It's in a grassy field, for all you mother hens out there...)
Which reminds me. Doc (or anyone, really), I'm sure you have some great stories of things you guys did while deployed to pass away the time? Any you'd care to share?
DW - you won't find me clucking. If you fall off a hypothetical tricycle because you have drunk too much wine then it is entirely your own fault. You also won't get any sympathy for any hypothetical injuries. *That really does sound like my motherly tone*
It's my understanding that if stupid driving shenanigans happen entirely on private property the police won't bust you. At least, that's why kids could drive tractors off-road as early as their families wanted them to learn, where I was growing up. I don't know whether it was "couldn't bust you" or "wouldn't bust you," though.
I also have no idea if that applied to driving under the influence, though, having never driven a farm tractor under the influence, with a license or without, on private or public land.
Clearly, I missed out on a formative experience.
PS: I think there was a case a few years ago where a guy got caught driving a lawn tractor on a public way while under the influence, and he was brought up on charges, and the salient point was that it _was_ a public way where he was driving under the influence, even though it wasn't the sort of motor vehicle that required a registration and license plate. There was no word on whether he was reenacting my favorite part of the music video for "So What" where Pink drives a lawnmower down Sunset Boulevard while drinking booze from a travel mug.
Yes, that's one of my favorite moments in a music video, ever. Even though the lawn tractor is not a John Deere.
DW - please please promise that your hypothetical tricycles will be bright metallic colours complete with hypothetical handlebar tassels just like in the picture?
Apparently I was wrong. They're not tricycles, they're bicycles with training wheels/stabilizers. Even better.
This one: http://images.izideal.com/img/product/12313973/l/uk/kids-bike-16-inch-mtb-type-blue.jpeg
And this one: ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41%2B4q0vLBIL._SL500_AA300_.jpg
DW, those are AWESOME!
It's too early.
For what? For being awake? Or pictures of bikes?
Nice bikes DW :-)
I'm guessing you made that visit to work at some point over the weekend Greg but I still hope you're not confronted by paperwork mountain this morning ;-)
I hope everyone has a good and not too busy day :-)
Anonybob
Awake. At work. Finding out all the problems everyone's saved for me. Too early.
John and I stayed up far too late talking.
The good kind of talking? I don't think I've said just how happy reading this post made me. You two are an inspiration!
Lancs. Anon
Glad they were nice enough to save things for you ;-) (I joke obviously)
Glad you and John had a nice evening but talking does play havoc with sleep! I'd suggest coffee it is the savior of the world ;-)
Anonybob
Isn't if nice to feel needed? ;). What you need is a Robostrade, for the more mundane paperwork and duties, like supply requisitions or whatever.
I agree with you on the too early, although I'm on the opposite side of that problem from you. Did you and Doc settle.the coffee vs, vanilla ice cream debate (since that's clearly the only topic worth discussing late at night)? ;)
(thanks, Anonybob)
Great bikes there DW. The second in particular looks entirely suitable for a Badger.
To L and everyone else about to disappear under a mile of paperwork - Happy Monday. Today's delight for me: budget preparation, once I can find the calculator underneath all the spreadsheets.
Just talked about all sorts. The boys, us, work, holidays.
DW - there is no debate there that I can see.
It's too early.
Despite it now being two and a half hours after you posted that, I have to agree with you.
Hope your late night talking was useful/constructive/done whilst cuddling.
DW - those look even better than the tricycle. I think boxed wine would be an entirely appropriate drink to consume, were one to hypothetically be cycling those round and round a circuit. Well, that or neat spirits :-)
Sounds like a conversation well-worth losing a little sleep for.
(It's 3:30 am here, and I'm awake because my eyes are uncomfortably swollen again. I think I'd better see my allergist, I can't hide sightlessly in my aparent all spring.)
Apartment.
(And it took 3 tries at the captcha, too. )
...Nameless, have you been listenening to our plans? We're calling the event the Tour de Forenza, after the brand of boxed wine.
RR, I would agree about seeing your allergist. I hope.they have something useful to say. It's too late to be up and miserable.
Lestrade, I don't really like licquorice, so never really could appreciate allsorts. You two can have 'em. ;)
It's pretty late to be up, period. You okay, DW? (I just took too many benadryls, I expect to be knocked out shortly myself.)
I'm alright. Scattered sleeping, like thunderstorms. Half an hour here, an hour there... :)
Good luck with the benadryl.
RR - go and see your doctor. And honestly, stop straining your eyes...
DW - so how is the wine?
L - any time on Monday morning is too early. I'm back at work too. Just finished handling over 600 spam emails, apparently nobody checked my account since I went home on Tuesday... And I really really hate antibiotics!
DW that sounds HILARIOUS, and very much what my friends and I would do, in fact I might recommend it for a post-exam fiesta.
Hope everyone's having a good week, I am T-1week from my 1st "real" exam in medical school, completely freaking out.
I know you've gone back already Mycroft, but I hope you're not feeling so blue. Last term of first year, you're a very brave and sensible young man, I'm sure you'll muddle through, so I hope there's clear skies and fair winds ahead, as the sailors say.
CR--I'm calling for an appointment as soon as his office is open, promise!
Good luck on your exams, Jaws.
Hope everyone is having as good a day as one can have on a Monday... :)
The main event isn't until Thirsty Thursday. All indications are that it should be awesome.
How go the Paperwork Wars, everyone?
DW - How can you not like allsorts when that's exactly what the Badgers are? Although I would agree with you regarding the liquorice.
As for paperwork - "we need more detail". Sigh. L - I suppose you can have a quick nap behind the pile of paperwork.
Re: paperwork: Currently sorting through 6 months worth of work and wondering why I have to condense it down twice a year into a report that no one reads anyway.
Such is the life of a government worker bee. But I am in charge of the other worker bees today so I declare it Cupcake and Clean Day. As in, bring me a cupcake and I won't tell the boss you "cleaned" your desk all day. :D No, I'm kdding. Hardly anyone is here; it'd hardly be worth the effort of blackmail.
You guys don't want the liquorice? Gimme! I love it. I've also enjoyed Slatzige Herringen in Germany - a sweet liquorice jelly sprinkled with a bit of salt - and Jungle Roar in Denmark - same, only with a lot of salt :-)
Paperwork War on Czech front - currently balanced. I've handled the backlog but new paperwork is created with admirable speed...
My papaerwork is more or less under control (less, really) but I've been in and out of briefings all day, and meetings and had a steady stream of interruptions and far too few of them brought me coffee...
And John called to say someone's off sick from the surgery so hes working late and Mrs Hudson is minding Sherlock, so chaos all around.
Just another manic Monday... :)
(Sherlock can use the time to coach Mrs H in the fine points of degu training, right Sherlock?)
paperwork control is over rated anyway ;-) I'm fairly sure we've established that as soon as you deal with something it gets replaced by another thing anyway!!
Monday is a wonderful day it sets the week off in just the right way don't you think ;-)
(in all seriousness I hope chaos is short lived and coffee has been more forthcoming this afternoon :-) )
Anonybob
Mrs Hudson is silly she's scared of the degus and then she talks to them like they can understand her like a person and they can't and John's on his way back he said but Lestrade said he might be late and that's stupid and people shouldn't die when I want him home.
I'm sorry you're having a frustrating afternoon, Sherlock. Did you at least get to see the newts at school?
And you still have dinner out with John to look forward to--did he tell you what day that's going to be?
(I'm pretty sure Lestrade doesn't want to come home late, either. But it's his job, to make sure they get all the clues they can, so he has to be there, even when he'd rather be home with you.)
Hey Sherlock, Mrs Hudson cant help being a bit nervous of the goos. She is far more calm about them now than she was! You should show her that picture of the chinchilla, I bet she'd like that!
And I'm sorry I'll be late, because I know John is tired out. So please be good for him because he's been very hard at work helping sick people and was up last night trying to think of the best holiday for all of us.
And Sherlock, I guess maybe you're missing Mycroft a bit, too. Maybe you could draw him a picture and then send it to him by email? Or just send him an email and ask how the aubergine biscuits went over. Are you allowed to do that yourself?
I hope it's not a bad one, L. Well, of course they're all bad, but at least on the lower end of the "bad" scale.
Paperwork status here was not too bad. Although it's been a while since I had to deal with so much actual paper-based paperwork, rather than just email based. But I did spend a fun afternoon cutting and pasting spreadsheets and charts and stuff into a Word document, so I suppose it wasn't entirely wasted. *eyeroll*
Sherlock - I'm quite sure most people don't mean to die at all, and I doubt whether many people want to die in such a way that cause Lestrade to be late home. Have you been having fun with Mrs Hudson and the goos?
I'm on the way home, kiddo.
RR - death in the workplace, not murder. Or at least, possibly corporate manslaughter.
I'm sorry but I'm feeling very stupid today and I don't quite follow?
Someone died at their work place - might have been an accident, might have been negligence on the part of the employer or something.
Ah.
That's sad, either way.
Sounds a delightful one that Greg :-(
Hope you're having a nice relaxing evening now you're home :-)
Anonybob
Sherlock - sometimes people don't feel comfortable about some circumstances or things. My cousin for example does not handle lifts and other closed spaces well and she's dead afraid of dogs. Any dog, no matter how big or small, she's afraid to the point she runs back inside to the building and lets the dog on the street pass. And she's over 30 and has two kids.
I myself don't handle anything remotely like insects, spiders and worms well at all. Even grasshoppers, ladybugs and butterflies make me uncomfortable. Moths can actually make me run away screaming, especially if they dive-bomb me suddenly.
So I totally understand that for example Mrs Hudson does not feel totally comfortable with degus, even though they look nice and are not dangerous.
Heh, about talking to animals as if they were person, my mom does that with our cats (now the one cat we have left). Funnily enough, sometimes the critters react back in a way that makes you stop and think about it a little bit, because it really looks like they do understand... I do it as well, to be honest - I think nearly all animal owners do that.
I mean, animals clearly have personalities and intellect and so on, so we're basically just using different languages and different ways to communicate - or that's my theory. What's your take on this?
L - this will probably sound callous but I do hope it will be something simple, boring and easily handled... At least from the investigation part of the incident.
___
Heh, yesterday we went out with that bead-weaving friend of mine. It was an awesome afternoon/evening, we've found out that we have some other friends in common (because I've mentioned one legendary pub in Brno and she said she knew it) and swapped stories. :-) There was even a nice piece of steak with my name on it. Life's good. Now I simply have to kill the rest of the paperwork and get some money somewhere...
Oy. I hear you all on the paperwork front. That's pretty much my job, hunt down paperwork and badger people (not in the fun way) to turn over those reports...or else...
DW - Please do tell us how Thirsty Thursday "hypothetically" goes. =)
RR - Eeee, I hope your doctor gets you in ASAP.
*hugs to those who want/needs them*
~A from NW
hunt down paperwork and badger people (not in the fun way)
Well, of course not. All the badger people are here, no hunting required!
Hope you got some sleep AfNW, and delighted to hear from you every now and then. *shares hug with you*
RR - how are you feeling now?
I would like to point out that my devious plan on Doc's blog WRT comment numbers was successful. Bwahahaha :)
SH--Itchy and a bit puffy. Which is an improvement, and I will take it!
DW--you are an Evil Genius! :D
(In a good way. :))
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