30 October 2012

Light The Fire And Walk Away

It's still sinking in, this whole engagement thing. My office has now been cleared of all hearts, except one I've stuck on the drawer of my desk. Sort of reminds me, as if I could forget.

Just...feels amazing. I know lots of people don't like the idea of changing names or wearing rings, because they're symbols of days when it signalled ownership, not partnership. But I've always been the opposite. I really want the symbol...to show someone wants me, I suppose.

Bryan didn't wear his ring. Ever, really. A few times, I suppose, early on, then it went into a drawer. I didn't really mind, I suppose. His choice. Although now I think it might have been for other reasons...

I'm doing this a lot. Thinking about the first time around. Trying not to feel...guilty, about the fact I'm thinking about it. I mean, it's natural, right? Doesn't feel like I should be doing it, but...yeah. Can't really help it.

Sherlock's still full of questions. He texted me earlier to say we should get married in an old court - he's found a place, apparently. I'm not sure where we'll go for. I quite like the idea of outside, but I don't know ho practical that is.

All that really matters is that it happens :)

Sally found one of message pads on my desk earlier, that I'd been doodling hearts on. She says I'm disgustingly happy. And Mrs H found me giving John a kiss goodbye at the front door this morning (him still in his pyjamas) and called us 'indecently happy'.

So I guess everyone's noticing we're happy :)

This entry is studiously not about the Met selling New Scotland Yard and scattering us all over the city. Because.

28 October 2012

I Hear The Train A-Coming

Yesterday we went to a place that's the place that all of the old things from London Transport live. It was buses and trains and signals and signposts and everything.

Some of them were really really old and some were a bit old and some were broken and some had been mended and it was interesting to see everything. There were signs for Harrow for Mycroft and there were signs saying Finchley like Lestrade's name and we got to go in some and the man said if we went back again then there's a time you can see what it's like to drive one!

26 October 2012

We'll Never Be Lonely Anymore

Woke up bright and early this morning (I say that as if there's a choice, with a tent full of boys and dogs.)

I'd sort of promised Sherlock we'd have a big breakfast, but he really wanted to use the stove, so Mycroft said they'd do it and treat John and me.

Bacon and fried egg butties - perfect camping food! Anyway, it was getting toward sunrise (No, the boys don't sleep until it gets light. Far too much excitement for that!.) so John and I took a walk to the beach to welcome the day.

It was completely beautiful - here's a photo John took that I've nicked to make my blog look good :)

Stunning, right?

Anyway, some of you'll know that camping makes John go a bit soft in the head - I mean, last time he asked if I'd move into the madhouse flat.

This time, we were sitting watching the sunrise, with the waves lapping quietly and the world appearing in front of us in the milky dawn light...

He asked me to marry him.

I don't think I made a very coherent noise at first, but I did manage to squeeze him half to death and say 'Yes', once my heart had finished exploding inside my chest. You know when there's just so much emotion in you it feels like you'll burst?

So...I still can't quite believe I didn't dream it all. Have to keep grabbing him or squeezing his hand or catching his eye and just...yeah, sharing that feeling.

He is everything to me. He's seen me at my worst, but what he finds within me and draws out is the best of me. He is so...caring, so honest. He's my best friend, my conscience, my biggest cheerleader and most constructive critic.

He makes me happy.

So, well, been quiet today because we needed to tell other people, so they wouldn't find out here.

Mycroft said he wanted a new suit anyway. Sherlock wants to be best man to both of us. And jump out of a cake.

And thank you, to all of you, who've supported us, offered your advice to us, helped us to understand one another when we've been too close to see the full picture, and assured us, like the tag says, that love is thicker than blood. I can honestly say our relationship is stronger for having all of you as friends.

25 October 2012

The Unknown Troubles Of Your Mind

Bloody hell. I really thought I'd be okay camping. John's in the sleeping bag with me, two massive dogs, the boys.

But it's cold and dark and damp an there's a very thin bit of canvas between me andthe rest of the world and I keep hearing things and it's just like being in that bloody hole that bastard kept mein and I fell like the sound of my heart trying to get out of my chest is downing everything else out.

And my phone nearly out of battery so i guess Ill wake John up and hope he's got a good plan up his sleeve before he has a sleeping bag full of puke and a boyfriend having heart failure. fucking hell why can't  jst feel normal?

21 October 2012

He's Begging Me To Come With Him...

Um, so, it's actually true. My boyfriend (you know the one? Ex-Army, tough as old boots, has an encyclopaedic range of frowns, has been known to shoot things.) now owns a hoodie...with a unicorn on it.

Yes, that is a hoodie with a unicorn on it.

(And yes, I agree with Mycroft, that it is better than his Christmas jumper)

18 October 2012

Make this boy shout, make this boy scream!

I bought John a little present today. Saw it, thought of him, so to speak. I'm a big believer that presents shouldn't be for certain occasions, but just when you see something perfect for someone. It's off being framed.

Anyway, that's under the clicky-thing.

Still nothing on my case. CCTV evidence is weak, no witnesses have come forward, can't find a motive or reason. Frustrating doesn't cover it.

We get Mycroft back tomorrow, which is wonderful. I've got the day off, so John and I will go and fetch him, then get Sherlock, if he hasn't actually exploded from excitement about half term.

His school isn't religious, but I think they're talking about Harvest Festival or something, at least in the context of history. And also, apparently, making boats. Never mind needing a bigger boat...I think a bigger pond will be needed.

But first, I will have a glorious morning with John.

16 October 2012

I know I'll never be me, without the security, of your loving arms

I just sang the new Bond song to John. Well, I tried. He laughed so hard that I started laughing too, before the end.

I assume he was laughing at the singing, but I suppose there was a chance it was my Bond-theme-style-dance that I did along with it. All slo-mo arm waving and shooting.

Sherlock is now completely set on going camping over the half term. It's still Mycroft's decision, though, which Sherlock thinks is so unfair. But it's Mycroft who will have homework, and who'll need more of a break. (And who has now said he'd like to go camping.)

I have promised to make him the dessert we saw last night.

I'm feeling a lot more positive since John and I had our talk. I don't know, feels a bit less lonely, you know? Not even that I've talked to him about anything I hadn't already, but just the thought that I probably could, if I did want to.

I think I need a guitar stand. I usually just lean them up, or put them back in their bags, but it's not exactly safe or good for them. Especially when Sherlock is being a bat. Or an owl. Not sure which.

Not happy about the case we're got right now. No suspects yet. I hate that.

14 October 2012

If I Stay Here Won't You Listen To My Heart

Feels like a long time since I updated.

Some of that is because it felt wrong to talk about anything here when I wasn't talking to John about it. We got in a bit of a mess. Like he said, both of us were making assumptions about the other. Neither were actually asking the other one though.

I... Didn't realise that John wouldn't mind talking but was sort of waiting for me to talk too.

I find it very hard to tell him things - difficult, horrible things - when I feel like he'll then worry about those things, keep them inside him, stewing over them, and not talking about it. I don't want to put him in that position. So I decide on his behalf it's better if he doesn't know. And honestly, I don't have to talk about things. So it seemed fairer, in my head, to sort of meet John on his ground, and just not talk about any of it. Which obviously didn't work for us.

And a lot of you asked me if I was talking to him. Which I never answered because I sort of wanted to say it was him not talking to me, actually. Which isn't fair. But in my head, that's how it was going, and that was better for him. And saying it would make it seem like I was accusing him of being the one in the wrong. Whereas I didn't really think he was. I thought we were doing what he wanted. I don't know, like I said, it's a mess.

But yeah, we're better now. I mean, not better, but better than we were.

I don't know how to make anything he feels 'better'. As he said, he wishes they could have done more, found me sooner. But that just wasn't possible. The moment they had a clue, they were with me faster than I could believe.

Nor do I know how to try to stop people worrying. I mean, I know John and a few of you felt better that I did nights with Sally, but I don't full understand why yet.

Don't quite know how to talk about a few things yet. But at least I know I can, and should, when I figure out what to say.

Having spent a day or two contemplating life without John and the boys, and that seeming like a reasonable alternative to asking him if we coukd talk... Just shows how skewed my way of dealing with things got there.

10 October 2012

Every fear I swallow makes me small

Sherlock asked to go out for cake today, after school.

Made me think. Some countries have wet and dry seasons. Some hot and cold. Sherlock has cake and ice cream seasons. I reckon About October-April is Cake, May-September is Ice Cream.

Obviously, it can Cake in the Ice Cream season, and it can Ice Cream in the Cake season. And sometimes, there's a rare beautiful phenomenon of the ice-cream-on-cake, which creates a proper feast.

I think I'm going to go back to work on Thursday. I feel like if I leave it any longer it'll be harder. Like I should throw myself back in again.

Being scared is just...shit, really. Especially when I know he's not even out there now. I'm still sleeping with the light on. Except I don't actually sleep very well with it on. Probably wouldn't anyway. I usually like it really dark when I sleep. But right now 'really dark' means I start thinking about everything far too much and get scared that I can't tell if it's John next to me and all sorts of other stupid things. So the light stays on.

I haven't been scared and actually had time to think about it in a long while. I've been scared, briefly, in the car crash, things like that, but there was alwas something bigger going on. Something to do.

I think the thing I thought about most when I was in that room was that these days I have so much to lose. Last time I had a lot of time to dwell on it I didn't feel like I had anything much worth living for. Gave an odd sort of bravado, that feeling.

I'm very glad that this time I did have, and it gave me the determination to try anything I could to get away or fight or just do anything. And it worked.

Mycroft's been far too modest about what he did to find me. He was amazing. I still don't really understand how he can work out where someone is that quickly, but he can. And he just shrugged afterward and said that anyone could have done it. I've no idea what his future holds, but he will be so dedicated, and so wonderful, at whatever he chooses.

8 October 2012

no witty or relavant song lyric tonight

Well I'm back home.

Never been kidnapped before. I don't think I'd like to do it again.

I know they'd be planning it for a long time, probably, but it did seem remarkably easy. No one seemed to find me being marched to a van in a supermarket car park at all odd. Pretty sure I would have, it i'd seen it happen.

anyway, I don't know what to say, really. Thought maybe wriing it out would help but now I don't know what to put.

I was scared. For me, for John and the boys, Mrs Hudson. They said they'd kill John and the boys, and there was nothing I could do about it. And there wouldn't have been. And I had a lot of time to think about that. It was very lonely. Although it was better when they weren't there than when they were.

they made a lotof threats. I don't know if they would have carried them out if John and Mycroft and Sal hadn't tracked me down or not. Probably shouldn't think about it.

I hope they're all caught very soon.

6 October 2012

Jump up, look around, Find yourself some fun

Mrs N's visit was largely unremarkable. John and I managed to both make each other panic and calm each other down before she arrived, and I don't think either of disgraced ourselves during :)

She enjoyed the baking, and was very impressed how much Sherlock knew about it. But when she asked if he wanted to be a cook when he grew up he scowled and said "No, Lestrade does that." So apparently I'm safe in my job as dinner-provider to him for some time yet.

She was also very impressed at how much reading John does with Sherlock, and says it shows as he's pretty advanced even for their school.

But, as we knew, the areas he needs to pay more attention to in class are being patient, giving others a turn, not monopolising things and not getting so frustrated when other kids don't understand or master things as fast as he does.

But the school are working on all those things too. So between all of us, we'll get there.

Mrs N was also impressed about how he cares for the degus, and how much he knows about them.

Overall she said he was a lovely boy, and an asset to the school, which I've got to admit made both me and John swell up with pride a bit, I think.

I've got work over the weekend, which Sherlock has already declared 'not fair', but we're going to go and see Mycroft together, and I'm sure Sherlock will be proud to share what Mrs N said with his big brother.

Mycroft's busy with all his schoolwork, but he says it's not too much and that he's enjoying it. And that he has time for us to take him out to dinner!

And now, I have no idea how it got that late...but I'm off to bed.

3 October 2012

Get Your Hands Out Of My Trousers

Sherlock has changed my blog. He was bored of the old one, and this is a nice picture. I was also sort of missing my grey and blue colourscheme.

It was taken in Ireland, for his birthday weekend. Down into the sea in a little gap in the cliff.

There seems to be nothing but bad news around at the moment. It's all a bit depressing, isn't it?

Although I did have a bright spot to my day today. Was buying a coffee (yeah, there's a surprise, right?) when I was staring out of the shop window, waiting for the nectar of the Gods to be brewed and ready...and noticed a very familiar face outside. Someone I thought was...inside. Just chatting to someone on the other side of the street. So I called up control and enquired, thinking that if he'd gone away then it was a bloody short stretch and I'd want to look into why the judge had been so lenient.