10 October 2012

Every fear I swallow makes me small

Sherlock asked to go out for cake today, after school.

Made me think. Some countries have wet and dry seasons. Some hot and cold. Sherlock has cake and ice cream seasons. I reckon About October-April is Cake, May-September is Ice Cream.

Obviously, it can Cake in the Ice Cream season, and it can Ice Cream in the Cake season. And sometimes, there's a rare beautiful phenomenon of the ice-cream-on-cake, which creates a proper feast.



I think I'm going to go back to work on Thursday. I feel like if I leave it any longer it'll be harder. Like I should throw myself back in again.

Being scared is just...shit, really. Especially when I know he's not even out there now. I'm still sleeping with the light on. Except I don't actually sleep very well with it on. Probably wouldn't anyway. I usually like it really dark when I sleep. But right now 'really dark' means I start thinking about everything far too much and get scared that I can't tell if it's John next to me and all sorts of other stupid things. So the light stays on.


I haven't been scared and actually had time to think about it in a long while. I've been scared, briefly, in the car crash, things like that, but there was alwas something bigger going on. Something to do.

I think the thing I thought about most when I was in that room was that these days I have so much to lose. Last time I had a lot of time to dwell on it I didn't feel like I had anything much worth living for. Gave an odd sort of bravado, that feeling.

I'm very glad that this time I did have, and it gave me the determination to try anything I could to get away or fight or just do anything. And it worked.

Mycroft's been far too modest about what he did to find me. He was amazing. I still don't really understand how he can work out where someone is that quickly, but he can. And he just shrugged afterward and said that anyone could have done it. I've no idea what his future holds, but he will be so dedicated, and so wonderful, at whatever he chooses.

30 comments:

piplover said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through everything. I don't think there's really anything anyone can say or do to make it better, except offer to be here if and when you want to talk. I'm so thankful you have John and the boys.

Would a nightlight be a possible alternative to absolute dark or light? It might give you the dark you need to sleep, but allow you to see enough that you can see that it's John beside you?

I hope you can get some sleep tonight, or at least some rest. And I hope when you go back to work it will help, being back in the routine.

imachar said...

Sorry you're still awake at this time in the morning...fear is awful that way, even when you know it's not rational it fills your mind with all the worst possible scenarios - especially in the middle of the night. And the light is definitely a double-edged sword, can't sleep with it on, can't sleep with it off. Now that I'm responsible for a small person of my own, I find myself always trying to sleep with the light on when Mr I is away...and it never works, I just stay awake until dawn...

As for realising what you have to lose, maybe it's also possible at some level your fear is a reaction to understanding what your boys (all three of them) have to lose if anything happens to you. I would never have understood that if I hadn't been diagnosed with cancer when my child was 11 months old - at that point I would have given anything to survive it (which I have so far) not for myself, but for her...there is a real terror in the thought of what your loved ones (and it was so very, very evident through that ordeal how much you are loved) would go through if anything happens to you...

And it's late here too, and I'm rambling - although I really like the idea of cake and ice-cream as seasons - so I'll sign off, and you can just ignore me if I'm not making any sense.

REReader said...

Hey, L. I hope you've managed to get back to sleep, even if only a bit, but whenever you see this...

If you feel you should go in to work on Thursday, well, you're the only one who can say when it's right.

Wanting the light on sounds quite reasonable to me. Maybe a night light would be good? They make small ones for baseboard height, and they give enough light so you can see where you are, but don't get into your eyes and keep you awake.


Last time I had a lot of time to dwell on it I didn't feel like I had anything much worth living for. Gave an odd sort of bravado, that feeling.

I'm very glad that this time I did have, and it gave me the determination to try anything I could to get away or fight or just do anything. And it worked.


I'm very glad, too--because it worked, and because you deserve love in your life.

Anonymous said...

MMm. Cake. And Ice Cream! What an excellent calendar! Beats the ordinary seasons all hollow.

As for the light-on, light-off problem, you have my sympathies. I go through periods when I absolutely cannot get to sleep if the light is on, but panic if I wake up in utter darkness. One of the reasons I like glow in the dark things, probably. At home it isn't too bad a problem, as I have a street light close enough to cast a vague light into the window. But when I am sharing a hotel room with someone who likes it to be really dark for sleeping, I've taken to bringing a sachet of cinnamon sticks to put under the pillow. (Lavender makes me sneeze.) For some reason the scent cue is enough to forestall the panic. I don't know if something like that would help you, some sound, or smell, or other signal that you're safe?

Good luck on Thursday.

rsf

REReader said...

I meant to say--completely agree about Mycroft. :)


And I love the idea of cake and ice cream seasons!

A from NW said...

I get the feeling that when you go back to work on Thursday, there are going to be a lot of attentive officers checking in on you. Emotions aren't rational, even in the best of situations, and this? Does not come even close to being an "okay" situation. I wish there was advice I could offer about being relaxed enough to sleep...

Love and family can be a person's greatest vulnerability and greatest strength. I'm so glad that the thought of John and the boys made you fight all the harder to get back to them, and made them fight all the harder to get you back. That's family, right there.

~ A from NW

pandabob said...

Back to work on Thursday sounds like a really good idea :-) I'm guessing ring if you want to come home applies to you just as much as Sherlock and that you'll come home if John needs you to so why not :-)

The sleep thing is a hard one, I don't know why the night brings out the irrational side of the brain but somehow it really does! The night light idea is a good one but the biggest thing and the hardest thing is to try and start each night anew, not thinking 'last night I didn't sleep so tonight I won't either' it is really hard though! A recently went through about 6 months where I hardly slept at all and it is the worst thing ever so you really do have my sympathy.

I hope you and John have a nice day and that Sherlock learns lots of really interesting things at school today :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I should clarify that I don't have the main light on, just a lamp on the floor. It's not that bright. To be honest, I'm blaming that, but I don't think I'd sleep much anyway. Too alert.

Imachar - t makes perfect sense. And yes, the thought of leaving them without me was definitely part of it. Sorry you had to go through that.

Anonymous said...

Night lights are kind of weird. Some work and some don't. Try something that doesn't throw shadows strangely, like leaving the hall light on and the door open a crack. Can't hurt, might help.

rsf

Anon Without A Name said...

Last weekend, talking to Sherlock, none of us could promise him you'd be coming home. But I was absolutely confident in promising him that you would be doing everything in your power to make sure that you'd be coming home.

I guess it must really be throwing you for a loop. I mean, the way you feel about John and the boys, it's something that's built and grown over the last couple of years, and bam, here you are confronted with the full enormity of it, exactly how vulnerable that makes you and them, in the most visceral way. And just as you were getting comfortable with the idea that you're not vulnerable in the way Bryan forced you to be for years. A bit like when John was talking about you and the boys getting through the protective bubble he'd developed around himself while he was overseas.

I dunno, this is probably all bullshit, and I'm just getting maudlin - I haven't even been drinking, I promise! But I think it's understandable to be thrown off balance bit, by the implications as much as by what happened. And however that manifests - anger or fear or whatever - that's how it manifests.

Just, don't keep John at arm's length, OK? He needs you as much as you need him right now.

(This is another one where you should probably just tell me to sod off)

Greg Lestrade said...

I would never tell anyone to sod off for offering their advice.

And undoubtedly a lot of what you've said is true.

Anon Without A Name said...

I would never tell anyone to sod off for offering their advice.

Maybe you should :-p

(Really, sorry about blarting a load of unsolicited advice at you - bad day, bad mood, bad headspace)

Greg Lestrade said...

Half my job is talking to people who've just found out someone they love has been murdered. I do a lot of the unsolicited advice thing myself.

It's not like you can solicit for the right advice, because if you knew it already, you wouldn't need telling.

As long as no-one expects to get it right all the time, I see no harm in offering it.

pandabob said...

I hope you're ok Nameless :-)

Anon Without A Name said...

Thanks, Anonybob. Nothing a good night's sleep and a bit of perspective (aka, a good kick up the arse) won't fix :-)

pandabob said...

I hope you sleep well then nameless :-) (perspective is sometimes a very dangerous thing! ;-) )


Seriously Greg, I don't know how you deal with people who have lost someone all day, and the people responsible for it, and remain as resonably sane as you do ;-)

Anon Without A Name said...

Cheers, Anonybob :-)

Hope everyone else gets a good night's sleep, too :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - neither do I. Just get used to it I suppose. Not like you can get away from it when it's on your own doorstep.

pandabob said...

We're all very lucky to have people like you around Greg :-)

How's the day going? I hope you and John are having a good day together :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Hope today is kinder to you, Nameless.

AnonyBob - I think my default answer to any questions today is going to be 'I don't know'. Feeling very...well, I don't know, oddly enough.

pandabob said...

I need to learn to refrain from asking bloody stupid questions, sorry.

Anonymous said...

I've never been in the boots of someone who was even friends with a person who's been murdered, but I can remember how it felt to be told that someone I knew -- and liked -- was a murderer. Twice now, actually. So I'd guess that the proportion of telling things to people who don't want to hear what you have to tell them is higher than just half. But there's a value in the truth. It's a job worth doing, and I thank you for it.

rsf

Rider said...

I'd like to suggest you should come to the warm sunny antipodes.

except this just happened:

https://twitter.com/131500trains/status/256594355752689664/photo/1

Anonymous said...

That is not what I usually think of when I imagine that part of the world at all. But I bet the kids there are having fun!

rsf

Small Hobbit said...

Rider, aren't you supposed to be heading towards summer?

Anon Without A Name said...

Thanks Lestrade, it has been, a bit. Enough, anyway :-)

Rider - bloody hell. Looks like many different kinds of "fun"!

Anon Without A Name said...

Aaaaand, we've two hundred on John's blog, so decamping here to say:

John - very good to hear that you're feeling better having talked too :-)

pandabob said...

Gald you're feel good for the talk John :-)

Does Sherlock have lots planned to keep you busy tonight?

Small Hobbit said...

Very pleased that your talk went well.

L - I'm sure your good sergeant will promise never to do it again (and cross her fingers as she does so).

Sherlock, the biscuits sound wonderful.

Rider said...

SH, yes we are supposed to be heading towards summer.

OK, that pic was taken in the Blue Mountains which are a few degrees colder than Sydney proper but still that's not a usual sight.

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