Feels like a long time since I updated.
Some of that is because it felt wrong to talk about anything here when I wasn't talking to John about it. We got in a bit of a mess. Like he said, both of us were making assumptions about the other. Neither were actually asking the other one though.
I... Didn't realise that John wouldn't mind talking but was sort of waiting for me to talk too.
I find it very hard to tell him things - difficult, horrible things - when I feel like he'll then worry about those things, keep them inside him, stewing over them, and not talking about it. I don't want to put him in that position. So I decide on his behalf it's better if he doesn't know. And honestly, I don't have to talk about things. So it seemed fairer, in my head, to sort of meet John on his ground, and just not talk about any of it. Which obviously didn't work for us.
And a lot of you asked me if I was talking to him. Which I never answered because I sort of wanted to say it was him not talking to me, actually. Which isn't fair. But in my head, that's how it was going, and that was better for him. And saying it would make it seem like I was accusing him of being the one in the wrong. Whereas I didn't really think he was. I thought we were doing what he wanted. I don't know, like I said, it's a mess.
But yeah, we're better now. I mean, not better, but better than we were.
I don't know how to make anything he feels 'better'. As he said, he wishes they could have done more, found me sooner. But that just wasn't possible. The moment they had a clue, they were with me faster than I could believe.
Nor do I know how to try to stop people worrying. I mean, I know John and a few of you felt better that I did nights with Sally, but I don't full understand why yet.
Don't quite know how to talk about a few things yet. But at least I know I can, and should, when I figure out what to say.
Having spent a day or two contemplating life without John and the boys, and that seeming like a reasonable alternative to asking him if we coukd talk... Just shows how skewed my way of dealing with things got there.