25 October 2012

The Unknown Troubles Of Your Mind

Bloody hell. I really thought I'd be okay camping. John's in the sleeping bag with me, two massive dogs, the boys.

But it's cold and dark and damp an there's a very thin bit of canvas between me andthe rest of the world and I keep hearing things and it's just like being in that bloody hole that bastard kept mein and I fell like the sound of my heart trying to get out of my chest is downing everything else out.

And my phone nearly out of battery so i guess Ill wake John up and hope he's got a good plan up his sleeve before he has a sleeping bag full of puke and a boyfriend having heart failure. fucking hell why can't  jst feel normal?

83 comments:

REReader said...

Oh, damn.

(I hate to say this, but it seems to me that what you are feeling IS normal. I don't mean it feels normal, but it would be a bit weird to have no lingering reactions--especially so soon, and in the cold and dark. And...I think John will understand perfectly.)

REReader said...

(And I really, really wish there was something I could do to help.)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I feel lonely and sad when I'm in a tent in the middle of the night, even though I generally love camping. And I don't even have the recent experiences you've had! I hope John has some ideas-- if nothing else, I'm sure he'll understand. I'm sorry this is making you feel awful, Lestrade, and I hope those feelings pass soon.

AftSO

piplover said...

I hope that you're able to get a bit more sleep tonight, Lestrade. I don't think there's any real way to get back to normal after such an experience as you've had, but I think you've a lot of good headway on finding out your new normal.

When I got out of the Army and had trouble sleeping, I found that having a white noise helped some. Perhaps concentrating on the sound of the waves, and maybe the nightlife will help?

ryo said...

This probably isn't terribly helpful, L.... but, you will recover from this. But it's going to take time. And I'm sure that John would want you to wake him up and would want to be able to help you through this as much as is possible. As would the boys.

I know (and understand) you'd like to be able to handle this on your own, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I hope that you'll be able to recognize when it isn't possible to deal with it alone and that you'll realize that the people who love you will want to help and be glad (in a way) that you are letting them do so. And this is just one of those times.

ryo
(who hopes this is coming across the way she intends and is at least a little helpful to hear)

pandabob said...

First up, I hope john had a plan and helped you feel better :-)

Secondly I am so sorry that all those memories are still so fresh in your head and that they are able to invade into your time away. I have no idea how sleep problems can be fixed but I really hope that eventually they can be. (I know eventually can feel like a long time sometimes sorry)

Greg Lestrade said...

John was very...comforting. yeah. Feels a bit silly now, you know?

Thanks for your kind comments.

pandabob said...

feeling silly is a step up from feeling guilty, progress I would say :-)

Have a great day doing whatever Sherlock has planned ;-) for the first time in days I can see the end of the street so I hope the weather has cleared with you as well.

Anonymous said...

I've typed and deleted about five responses to this, but the only one that makes any sense is, I'm very sorry that you're going through this and very glad that you have John to help you. Oh, and also anyone who didn't need someone to help them after what you've experienced would be a very strange person indeed.

Small Hobbit said...

Not silly at all, entirely reasonable. I'm glad John was comforting, not that I would have doubted that he would be, or that he'd want to know how you were feeling. (We care and we haven't even met you).

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade - How awful. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better this morning. For all that it feels a bit silly now, waking up in that environment must have been quite terrifying (our minds are not our friends at 3am, are they?)

I can see how being in the tent in the small hours could be triggering for you, so soon after your experience the other week. Maybe you and John could agree some things to do if it happens again? (Like, maybe you waking him up straight away, the two of you talking (very quietly, I guess), lots of touching, lots of hugs, things that ground you in the safe here and now).

Also, what SH said.

Hope the four of you have a fun day together today.

Greg Lestrade said...

Apparently it night snow in the north at the weekend...

Thanks, all of you. John did do a brilliant job of getting me back to the here and now.

pandabob said...

it better not snow :-(

I hope you have a great day together :-)

Do you have any adventures planned Sherlock?

Sherlock said...

I want snow! We're walking on the beach and maybe we're going to make a den in the woods and I've climbed two trees and Lestrade used a bad word in his post

pandabob said...

You're right he did Sherlock but do you think it might be ok to make mistakes when you're scared and just a bit not with it properly?

Den building sounds like a lovely idea :-) a den and the sea near by what could be better?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you had a bad bit to your night, L. Glad John was there with you. (And glad you were able to recharge your phone this morning.) I suspect John would like to be woken up, but if the cold and dark is still getting to you tonight, you might try building up the fire for a while and basking in the light and warmth. (Or turning on your torch in the tent, whichever. I'm a fire-watching amnesiac,myself, but it does involve getting out of a warm sleeping bag, so it's not for everyone.)

Have fun building your den, Sherlock! Are you going to build a lean to? If you watch how squirrels build their nests, they'll give you clues on how to build a good weatherproof shelter, especially in autumn.

rsf

Anonymous said...

Insomniac! The amnesia only applies to my vocabulary!

*headdesk*

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, John and I stayed by the fire quite a bit, but then...I don't know. It just all got to me, and the more it did the more I thought about it, more weird noises I heard. And making the inside of the tent light, or being near a light, just sort of gets me paranoid about what's in the darkness, watching.



Anyway, fine now. Im sure we'll work something out tonight.

And yeah, charged my phone in the car earlier.

Sorry, Sherlock, for using a bad word. Doesn't mean you can use it, though.

John H. D. Watson said...

Better a den in the woods than the sand fort he proposed last night. I think wet sand may be the coldest substance known to man, at least when applied to my skin.

pandabob said...

given my overwhelming fear of being buried in sand I would have to agree that the den is a much better idea John :-) Is Mycroft helping with the plans?

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm not sure there is a plan. Sherlock is mostly running all over the place and picking up things and bringing them back to make a giant pile of driftwood bits, cool rocks, unusual leaves, and all the feathers he can find. I think Mycroft is texting with Carla.

pandabob said...

texting Carla sounds like a much more interesting thing for Mycroft to be doing, its lovely they get on so well. :-)

It's going to be a very interestind den by the sounds of it, big enough for all of you to get inside maybe? I'm glad you're having fun (even if its exhausting just watching Sherlock)

Greg Lestrade said...

It's great. The sort of thing he doesn't get to do much in the city. (dens, not texting)

REReader said...

Other animals don't need plans to build dens, they just build them! It sounds like great fun. :)

Anonymous said...

Haveyou got a way to play music tonight. Block out the nioses.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like fun, although I hope Mycroft puts down the screen for a while to enjoy nature. (And this while I'm posting to a blog. Don't worry Mycroft, I'm already rolling my eyes to save you the effort.)

John, is your hoodie keeping you sufficiently warm? Or your DI?

rsf (who really shouldn't be online either)

John H. D. Watson said...

I feel it's been conclusively proven that jumpers are warmer than hoodies.

pandabob said...

its psycological John, you want it to be true so imagine it is ;-)

you need an impartial expert, maybe Mycroft or Sherlock would oblige?

REReader said...

I feel it's been conclusively proven that jumpers are warmer than hoodies.

Adjusted to eliminate the cuddle factor, of course. :)

(I suppose the real question here is knit v. fleece, so what about a hand-knit hoodie?)

Greg Lestrade said...

Where's your evidence or conclusive proof??

John H. D. Watson said...

In the pictures of me at dawn this morning turning faintly blue!

REReader said...

Maybe that was just the effect of light filtered through autumnal trees? :)

John H. D. Watson said...

I must admit though that a hoodie with Lestrade is better than a jumper without him.

Greg Lestrade said...

All right, all right Dr Smurfson. You can keep wearing half a sheep instead of a nice hoodie.

pandabob said...

maybe if you got one without a picture John it might be warmer? I have one with a foot tall penguin on the back and its nowhere near as warm as the plain ones, at least that's my excuse for never wearing it ;-)

Anonymous said...

I like the combination of both, myself. (The sweater for the torso and the hoodie for the ears.) Although I suspect that if you add in a DI it might get very hot indeed.

How did Sherlock's den work out?

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, he does need a proper one. And I think he was just going blue because he was holding his breath :)

Sherlock just gave me a big hug and told me he'd fight everyone in the dark off me and I could be brave because he, Mycroft and John were there. Not to mention the dogs.

kholly said...

Wow, that's sweet. And I've no doubt he meant it in all sincerity. If nothing else the next time you wake in the middle of the night you can think of that and smile. It's nice to be loved.

pandabob said...

what a lovely caring and special young man you have there :-)

I have to say that I can't see anyone daring to take the lot of you on!! You were brave last night you know, reaching out to John, and here,rather than just lying there. You should be proud of yourself for that :-)

Small Hobbit said...

That's lovely Sherlock - what wonderful support you have L.

I'd wear a hoodie with a penguin on, anonybob, can't see what the problem is ;)

pandabob said...

maybe it's the full scuba rig its wearing SH I don't know. I did wear it rather a lot at uni :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

He is a very kind, thoughtful young man. And very tired tonight, so actually quite still, comparative to normal.

He's strumming my guitar now while I do the chord sequences. Well, right now he's moaning that I'm talking to the internet not concentrating :)

REReader said...

You got yourself a special family there, L. :)

(Good job, Sherlock!)

Kestrel337 said...

Something they taught us in Girl Scouts: There is no bad weather, just inappropriate gear.

To which I reply that the appropriate gear for camping in October is a sleeping bag on the living room floor.

But I guess I'm just not as hardy as I used to be, or as you guys obviously are.



pandabob said...

What's are you playing Greg? don't answer if it'll get you in trouble for not concentrating ;-)

Kestrel337 I'm with you on the camping thing, the living floor would be as far as I was willing to go at this time of year!

Anonymous said...

Has the sky cleared up enough for Mycroft's telescope?

Greg Lestrade said...

it's...not entirely clear. but you can at least see some stars tonight!

We're also watching the lights of passing ships.

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - easy stuff ;)

Kestrel337 - hello. Don't remember seeing you before. .. I did mention the fact it would be cold. but Sherlock was insistent. It is nice being away from the city, but I can't pretend I wouldn't prefer a cosy bed at the end of the day. Especially given last night...

pandabob said...

There's nothing easy on a guitar!! I've been trying to get a tune out of mine for months and its just not happening :-(

You and John have a plan for tonight right? not that you have to tell us what it is I don't mean that but you two have talked about what you're going to do haven't you?

And out of interest how good a cook are you on a camping stove?

(feeling really nosey tonight can you tell ;-) )

Small Hobbit said...

I have spent the day imagining you sharing your sleeping bag with one of the dogs. Not sure that it would improve the night though.

REReader said...

We're also watching the lights of passing ships.

Pirate fodder! :D


At least you know tonight that you can wake John up earlier rather than later, yeah? (Although I imagine SH's idea would keep you from getting flashbacks. Might not let you sleep, though... :D)

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm not sure it's detailed enough to be called a pan, but we did talk about some things to try, yeah.

pandabob said...

That sounds like my idea of a plan for this kind of situation John :-)

Are you having a good evening? singing around the campfire? ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - there's only room in the sleeping bag for John or a dog. So it's a choice between one who slobbers on my and snores, or one with dog breath and sharp claws ;)

RR - I woke him up early-ish last night!

AnonyBob - camp stove...not bad. But it's all about producing as little washing up as poss when camping, right? So one-pot cooking all the way.

Greg Lestrade said...

err...slobbers on ME. Not on my anything. Well... hah, not that I shall mention on here!

REReader said...

Early-ish is a good start! I wholeheartedly hope you fall asleep quickly and stay asleep straight on til morning, but if there should be a next time, you can continue in that direction by waking him earlier yet.

Or whatever your plans are. :)

*sees second L comment* :D

pandabob said...

I'm not sure how many meals its possible to cook in one pot maybe you should make us a camping recipe book ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Leave a bloke a bit of self-respect, huh, RR? It probably doesn't seem like it from that post, but I was pretty much in control of my faculties enough to know when I needed to wake him vs. when I thought I'd probably manage on my own.

AnonyBob - millions. Just always have tins of soup to use as a ready-made base and throw different things in it.

REReader said...

I didn't mean it that way! I PROMISE I didn't! I would never! Honest to God, If anything I think you are more in control of yourself than you need to be.

pandabob said...

I might give that a go if I ever brave camping with shorty and tiny :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Right, well, having already said I felt a bit silly about the whole thing now, the last thing I really needed was a report that said 'could do better/try harder'. Honestly, if anything, last night would make me less likely to wake him tonight, because now I can think about the things he said and did to calm me down and use them to help myself out of it.

REReader said...

I DIDN"T SAY THAT! I didn't say it and I didn't mean it! And...never mind.

I could not possibly have a higher opinion of you than I have. I think you are one of the strongest people I know, and I think you are more self-sufficient than anyone needs to be. And I don't know how me caring about you gets turned around like that.

Greg Lestrade said...

I don't think I'm the right person to explain it, then, not right now.

pandabob said...

I hope you're ok Greg, you as well John and that the boys are fast asleep :-)

Make it to morning anyway you need to both of you :-)

REReader said...

I don't know what to say. I don't know how it came out wrong, but I didn't mean...I'm sorry. And whenever you turn in, good night.

Anonymous said...

Greg, I've written this post over and over again in my head, but keep deleting it. But I do want to say something, partly because you (and John and the boys) are always so courageous, and to be anything less would be an insult to you all.

Firstly I hope you sleep well tonight, safe with your family. It was pretty heartbreaking to read your post, honestly, even if we've never met I don't want to think of you so afraid and cold and alone. And don't take that as you shouldn't write about those kind of experiences, you should if you want to, but I've been there and I don't want to think of you (or anybody) in a similar situation.

I've had panic attacks from various causes, and it's always worse at night. And the terror lingers, even when you think it's dead and buried. I can't give you any tips or hints to stop it, I'm so sorry (honestly, I am) but you have a family who'll do anything for you, right there, and a strong loving man to fight your corner (who probably knows a thing or two about fear and horror himself). You'll prove stronger than this, you'll fight it to the ground and leave the shadow behind you. What's that poem?

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul...

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
(Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

You've come through the fire and smoke and now you may be damaged on the inside but you're healing, slowly but surely.

Maz said...

Hope tonight is a better night, L, and you guys have a great day tomorrow.

Not much more to say than that, but know that you're all cared for, and I hope only good things for all of you from now on.

Anonymous said...

It's lovely and clear where I am tonight. Nice to think of you all looking at the same moon and stars. Stay warm.

rsf

pandabob said...

I've just realised there is one big advantage to camping in October, Sun rise is so much later that it is in July so there's more chance of Sherlock sleeping at least for a little while ;-)

I'm going to guess he's still up quite early though.

Have a fun day doing whatever you have planned or whatever comes to mind :-)

Anonymous said...

What's the weather like this morning? Here in Lancashire it's crystal clear and cold to a ridiculous degree, worth it though to see the sun for once!

Hope you have a good day today.

Lancs. Anon

Anonymous said...

Anonybob, I always feel like the big advantage to cold weather camping is that you came prepared for cold weather. And that you can bring foods that would spoil in warmer weather.

rsf

pandabob said...

I’ve worried about this all night RR and I know you probably have so I’m going to try and explain what I think happened last night with your comments, I might be wrong obviously as I can’t read Greg’s mind.

You know when you’ve done something and you feel you could maybe have done it better or even that you maybe shouldn’t have done it at all but it’s too late now? I felt like that on Sunday night when I commented in the middle of the night after a daft dream and I was lucky that Greg understood and responded nicely or it may have made me feel even more stupid. If he’d told me I should have done something else or that next time I should deal with it better I would probably have been upset about it like he was last night.

You know the man, he likes to sort himself out, he knows he is capable of it and we all know that as well BUT now and again he has little spikes of panic and now he is willing to let them out and people to see them but we all need to be careful that we react to these in the right way or it will upset him or worse push him backwards which we don’t want do we?

‘Great job of reaching out to John, do you have a plan for next time it happens’ are valid comment/question as are ‘I hope you’re ok and I hope it doesn’t happen again’ but last night the things that I saw from your comment was ‘well done BUT’ and the but was always going to be a problem because in some ways Greg puts the but on everything any of us say to him and he really doesn’t need us to confirm its there.

I don’t know if that makes things any clearer or if I’m even right but I do know how I would have reacted to your comment had it been to me after Sunday and kind of want to help you understand where the problem might lie if I can.



John, Greg I hope you’re having a nice day :-)

pandabob said...

I'm glad it was only me who was worried about it RR I won't try and explain things to you again, promise :-)

REReader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pandabob said...

I would suggest then that you go read the new post and try and move forward from this because I think other people are :-)

REReader said...

Anony, I just meant no, you weren't the only one worried, you didn't need to apologize or anything. And apparently it did come out wrong. So...it was fine, I just didn't know what to say so I didn't.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you two are here discussing this on a day like this! Pandabob like you said you don't know what Greg thought you're just talking about you and rereader really you should know how to speak properly without upsetting people or you should just say sorry when you do.

REReader said...

Dear Anonymous: Kindly put a sock in it.

pandabob said...

Thanks for that anon, I am sure Greg will tell me if I'm wrong and if he wants it removed, you'll see that actually we've both been to say congrats to Greg and John but it would have been wrong to drag this over there so instead we had the discussion here therefore respecting the wonderful news of the day. It is the best news we've had around here for a long time :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm sure if won't waste his time actually.

Anonymous said...

I don't quite know how you understand lestrade so well pandabob but that explanation was very nice and politely done. It would be nice to know if you were correct but love is very much in the air and distraction is probably impossible!

Greg Lestrade said...

Anonymous who posted 'Invictus' - thank you for your comment. It was lovely. I'm sorry you've been in similar situations, but your words were beautifully written and very kind.

RR- Yeah, AnonyBob isn't far wrong there. It was the repitition of the question, I guess, and the but if there should be a next time, you can continue in that direction by waking him earlier yet. as if you wanted me to agree to it or you wouldn't stop asking or something.

And, you know, I'm a grown up, I don't need telling what to do. But I think we've been over that ground before.

REReader said...

I guess I can see that, and all I can say is I didn't think that or mean that, and I have never thought you incapable. All I was thinking was that I care about you quite a lot, so I wanted to try to think how you might forestall or avert you hurting.

And...really, that's all. As I said before, I'm sorry.

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