18 December 2012

My empire of dirt

Normally, I enjoy my job. It's not easy, but...there's a certain satisfaction in it.

Sometimes, it just makes me sad.


146 comments:

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm sorry, love.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Greg Lestrade said...

No, just... bit lonely. Dealing with people intent on ruining other lives. The usual.

It's always worse this time of year - more domestic violence, more murders, everyone stressed.

John H. D. Watson said...

It's too often not a very happy time of year, yeah. At least considering what it's supposed to be. I'd come and give you a hug if I could.

Greg Lestrade said...

I know you would :)

But then we'd get home to find an actual blue whale in the sitting room, tail blocking the stairs, or something.

pandabob said...

I'm sorry its a bad night Greg :-(

Not sure what can be done to help you feel better but if you can think of anything I know we'll all try :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

If he could possibly manage it, yeah. Maybe an entire aquarium.

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - you could all come and do my paperwork... I have this vague aim of always starting the new year with an empty inbox... ;)

Guess I'm just thinking about Mum and stuff. Half want something to happen to give me something to concentrate on that isn't reports - but don't, because it just means someone else is having a bad night.

John H. D. Watson said...

I suppose you're too professional to pull pranks on your co-workers while they're home and asleep?

pandabob said...

The first train isn't until 6.30 in the morning or I'd be there ;-)

Its a horrible thing that busy for you always comes with pain for someone, the fact you keep going out every day fighting to keep us all safe is amazing :-)

I'm sorry you're still turning over all the stuff with your mum, are you getting some chance to talk to people about it all?

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger - well...generally. Yes. By the way. You wouldn't happen to know anything about a tiny parcel which has appeared in my pigeon hole, would you? It's either you, or a very very small dose of anthrax from someone who has only a slight desire to kill me...

John H. D. Watson said...

I might...

Greg Lestrade said...

..you might have a slight desire to kill me?

John H. D. Watson said...

I might be reasonably sure it's not anthrax.

Greg Lestrade said...

Well, if it is, someone is losing their job for letting it through the mail screening!

Can I open it? Or is it for Christmas?

John H. D. Watson said...

You can open it! If you waited, the world might end and then you'd never know what it was.

Greg Lestrade said...

You're right!

Greg Lestrade said...

Hah! Thank you.

I know to you this probably felt like a normal-sized parcel, but it is truly minute. And perfect. Even the wrapping paper and parcel and stamps are tiny.

And you light up my life, too. I love you.

John H. D. Watson said...

Love you too. :) I'm glad you liked it, I know it's a bit silly. It was for your advent string originally, but it wouldn't quite fit.

Greg Lestrade said...

You are a very silly man.

For everyone else - it's...well, a tiny, tiny parcel. was wrapped in brown paper and string, with tiny stamps and everything.

Inside there was a tiny newspaper wrapped around a red bulb (trying to tell me something, Danger??) and a little message saying 'you light up my life'. It's all...perfect, and miniature. And not at all Anthrax-y.

John H. D. Watson said...

Not anthraxy is what I strive for in gifts.

Trying to tell you what??

Greg Lestrade said...

...well, red lights give off a certain...impression.

John H. D. Watson said...

I thought that was going to end with some Rudolph the red nosed reindeer reference. Maybe involving a tail.

Greg Lestrade said...

that tail is definitely no reindeer-ish. But if you wanted one, now would be the season to get one...

John H. D. Watson said...

I want, and let me be absolutely clear, no sort of tail. Or reindeer. Or red nose. Although of the three, the nose would be the least objectionable. We could always put it on the wreath.

Greg Lestrade said...

You mean...no 'other' sort of tail. Given you already have one sort of tail...

nice set of antlers, maybe?

by the way, it was 'wear a horrible Christmas jumper' day on the 10th. And you missed it. It was your one chance to be at one with your kind!

John H. D. Watson said...

That implies I want the one lurking in our room. Which is not the case.

I won't have a horrible one! Not that I had a horrible one last year. But I told you, Mrs H is making it. So insult it at your peril...

Greg Lestrade said...

...I've never seen a person killed with a knitting needle. Wounded, yes. But not killed.

This is how I imagine you'd like us all to look at Christmas:

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/12/12/awkward-christmas-photos/gallery/image/6585/

(It won't be happening.)

John H. D. Watson said...

Do you really want to risk it?

That one's not bad at all. Not compared to, say, this one:

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/12/12/awkward-christmas-photos/gallery/image/6582/

Greg Lestrade said...

I would rather wear a fig leaf. And I know Mrs H would lay down her knitting if she thought she could get us in fig leaves...

this seems the most likely outcome in our flat though - of his own doing, I hasten to add. Or possibly Mycroft's...

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/12/12/awkward-christmas-photos/gallery/image/6596/

John H. D. Watson said...

I did think of Sherlock when I saw that one, I must admit. Could easily happen to one or both of the dogs, too.

You wear a fig leaf, I'll wear a jumper.

Greg Lestrade said...

Hmm..not sure that's a fair trade.

Found this for Sherlock, too:

http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2012-12/spider-builds-fake-spiders-psych-out-predators


And now I really have to do some work. Which probably means logging off for a bit to read reports, because you are far too distracting now!

REReader said...

(Job well done, John! :))

John H. D. Watson said...

That...is amazing. He'll love it.

Well, if you don't want me to send you pictures of me in a fig leaf... ;)

All right, good luck with work.

Greg Lestrade said...

hah, you wouldn't. And if you did, I'd have to tell everyone they were...evidence. For something. Probably death by spontaneous combustion.

John H. D. Watson said...

Unfortunately I don't have a fig leaf handy at the moment so I suppose it would actually be a picture without a fig leaf...

Go and get some work done! I'm not distracting you.

Greg Lestrade said...

Are.

Fine, I'll just look at these photos of naked corpses. read toxicology reports. Decide if I should go and get some breakfast at 1am or not.

I feel like scrambled eggs. Which has nothing to do with the amount of brains on show in this file.

Anon Without A Name said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a bad night of it, Lestrade.

Some of those family photos are downright disturbing.

The present from John sounds lovely :-)

And if the pair of you do decide that figleaves are the way to go rather than Christmas jumpers, I do hope that you'll provide us with some photographic evidence. Um, so we can make up our own minds. Yes, for that. Definitely.

John H. D. Watson said...

Am nottt.

You should definitely get some breakfast. Midnight lunch. Munch?

I disagree, you feel nothing at all like scrambled eggs.

Greg Lestrade said...

Dunno...the way you make scrambled eggs I think I'm quite similar... Tough, slightly bouncy, crunchy bits in them and need a steak knife to cut it? ;)

Go to sleep. Dream about rabbits wearing bras on their udders or whatever claptrap is on TV tonight.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm not sure about your crunchy bits...

All right. Call me first and say goodnight?

Greg Lestrade said...

I'll call you, but you need to have brushed your teeth and be in your pyjamas first. And you're only having ONE chapter of your book read to you, okay? No arguing.

If you wake up in the night and can't reach the cupboard for a glass of water, wake Mycroft ;)

Small Hobbit said...

Of course, you could wear both a Christmas jumper and a figleaf and therefore get the best of both worlds.

Or possibly this could be your next poll ;)

John H. D. Watson said...

L - what, no banana milk? THAT'S NOT FAIR.

SH - you make a valid point. They're not mutually exclusive...

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger - tell you what, I'll compromise. A fig leaf isn't very Christmassy... but I do prefer it to the jumper...

So I'll wear some mistletoe down there. festive and jumper-free. perfect solution. Of course...if you enjoy Christmas tradition you'll know what you should do under the mistletoe ;)

And on that note, I'm going and working! Sleep well, all of you.

John H. D. Watson said...

I feel I should've seen that coming somehow...so to speak.

Have a good night. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

And there goes my hope of breakfast...

REReader said...

What's up? (I hope it's not too bad...)

Greg Lestrade said...

Stabbing outside a takeaway. Victim still alive at the moment.

Small Hobbit said...

Hope you manage to get off work soon, if you haven't already done so and are able to get some sleep.

Greg Lestrade said...

I was, i slept. I got woken by John sneaking in to put away laundry, being pursued by a dog that wanted to get in the bed and lick my face.

I would have preferred the other way around

Small Hobbit said...

I wasn't aware that the dogs were good at putting laundry away.

Greg Lestrade said...

They're not, that's the problem! If they were, it would give John. More time to dedicate to jumping on me in bed and licking my face.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'd prefer that too, really.

Greg Lestrade said...

Your breath smells better.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'd like to think I'm more attractive too. Plus, opposable thumbs.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, more attractive in certain ways.

I was going to say 'but you don't have a waggy tail!' But we both know that's not true...

John H. D. Watson said...

Waggy...hm.

Do you want to go for a ride today?

Greg Lestrade said...

Is that a euphamism?

If you do. You need more practice in the rain and wet. I worry about you.

John H. D. Watson said...

I was wondering...

I know you do. I probably need more practice at everything.

Sherlock said...

Lestrade Mrs N says please can you bring your guitar to school if you can now please because she wants to check it works before our show thank you.

REReader said...

(That was beautifully polite, Sherlock. Well done!)

Greg Lestrade said...

I stumbled over a few notes. Sherlock looked at Mrs N and said 'he will be better than that. I'll make him do his practice'

pandabob said...

Oh how children learn from those they love ;-)

I can imagine you won't manage much sleep before the performance now!

John H. D. Watson said...

I've never been so glad I lack any musical talent...

REReader said...

Sherlock looked at Mrs N and said 'he will be better than that. I'll make him do his practice'

*Nods* Very proper.

I bet he will, too. :)

pandabob said...

Have you really escaped without any role in this performance John? I'm really quite impressed if you've managed that having been not at all to blame for Greg's participation ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I think he mumbled something about putting chairs out and handing out the programmes.

Honestly, I would do anything for either of these boys.

(but I only played wrong notes because John wouldn't let me warm my fingers on his belly.)

pandabob said...

Honestly, I would do anything for either of these boys

That is a lovely thing to say Greg and an even more lovely thing to mean :-)

Sorting chairs and programmes is really very important, that's a good role for a very organised nanny ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I should have said for all three of these boys, really!

I think each programme should have a hand-drawn festive motif on it. Holly, Christmas pud, a cracker, a snowman, santa, that sort of thing.

Sherlock said he'd lend John some crayons...

pandabob said...

sounds like a very good idea Greg ;-)

What's for dinner tonight? and is Mycroft cooking again? it really is lovely that he likes to do it :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

... And grateful for my lack of artistic talent too...

Greg Lestrade said...

nonsense. I'll leave Sherlock as your taskmaster.

pandabob said...

I'm sure you'll do a great job John, Sherlock will make sure you practice until you get them right :-)

Greg, I saw this picture today and it made me think of you.

https://twitter.com/menantiviolence/status/281403523600621568/photo/1

I hope work treats you ok and that the end of your night shift comes quickly :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

I may need to resort to clip art.

Greg Lestrade said...

that would be cheating.

I'm leaving you in the capable hands of Master S Holmes, who will ensure you do a good job...of whatever he wants you to do.

AnonyBob - that's great! Thanks for sharing. Maybe I should get one.

pandabob said...

Why have technology and draw yourself John ;-)

I think everyone should have one Greg :-)

Sherlock said...

Can we make a poster so people know about our show? With glitter!

REReader said...

Clip art is a perfectly acceptable design resource! :)

<--design professional

Did you find out how many people you can invite to your show, Sherlock?

Greg Lestrade said...

Clip art is... strange. Who decided what random selection of things were needed?

John H. D. Watson said...

We are limited to give, which means no Sally or Molly, sadly. Although they may be relieved.

John H. D. Watson said...

Five! not give.

REReader said...

Free clip art is what people are willing to give away. Some of it is fine, some can be tweaked to be fine, most of it is...what people are willing to give away. (A lot is from old print clip-art books, with unprotected art in them, scanned with varying levels of competence.)

Professional clip art (not free!) tends to be what artists and photographers think the most designers will pay for, or what they've done or adapted from what they've done for a client non-exclusively, or work they've produced for other reasons that they think is good emough for people to pay for. I've used stuff from iStockPhoto for jobs fairly often.

REReader said...

Five altogether, or five for each of your performers? :D

Greg Lestrade said...

The sort of clip art I'm referring to has ... nothing to do with photographers, that I can imagine. That horrible free stuff that seems to be almost irrelevant to almost every use or terribly clich├ęd. Nasty little cartoons and stuff.

I accept you get what you pay for.

Small Hobbit said...

If I pay for a DI and a Doc, can I get them?

REReader said...

There is photographic clip art and drawn clip art, and you can buy both kinds. You can get both kinds for free, too, but mostly the free stuff is line art--cartoons and drawings. As I said, an awful lot of the free clipart (or clipart that comes for moderate prices in very large bundles) is old, some is fine and perfectly usable even for professional work, and most is...yeah. Not. I've used some free/cheap stuff professionally (with modifications) and I've used a fair amount for my mom's first grade teaching sheets--they don't have to be great, just appropriate!

John H. D. Watson said...

If there were a clip art version of me right now, it would have paste on its nose.

REReader said...

If you're actually interested in professional clipart, you can browse this site in any dull moments tonight; everything there would be classified as clipart, and the prices vary both by size and content.

REReader said...

John--:D

Have you been helping with the poster, then?

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger - with some glitter, I hope. Johnny the glitter-nosed Nanny?

RR - I struggle to think of a single part of my job where clip art could be appropriate.

Anon Without A Name said...

SH - that's certainly my impression from what Lestrade said. Should we be forming a queue, do you think?

pandabob said...

If it was that easy SH we'd all have them ;-)

Do you really not use clip art to create your crime scene pics Greg? I thought that's how it worked ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

The doc is priceless, sorry.

REReader said...

RR - I struggle to think of a single part of my job where clip art could be appropriate.

How saddd... (Hey, you asked about clipart!)

Greg Lestrade said...

Well...John threatened some clip art, and I asked a largely rhetorical question to highlight just how bad it usually is (give I sort of guessed he wasn't about to go out and purchase any...)

So I think 'you asked' is quite a strong accusation. And I definitely didn't ask in relation to using it myself! (Although AnonyBob - maybe at my next seminar I'll try a clip-art crime scene...all stick-men and comedy improbable weapons!)

John H. D. Watson said...

It's green glitter, actually. And a bit purple.

REReader said...

I don't think "Hey, you asked" is an accusation! (A clipart crime scene... hmmm, potential there!)

(If you really want decent Christmas clipart, John, you can get some by googling for free coloring sheets. Some of them make very good clipart, especially at small sizes.)

pandabob said...

will the stick men have bags saying swag in their hands and the victim have an arrow through their head Greg?

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - I hope there are blood pools available, and also items at completely incongruous sizes to the stick people. Gigantic candlesticks, or sewing needles big enough to crush you.

An arrow would be quite an interesting death... Although I hear the 'swag' bags are right out of fashion. It's all about striped jumpers and eye-masks these days.

Small Hobbit said...

And a large rabbit or two for trampling on the stick men.

REReader said...

Big sewing needle ( http://www.clker.com/inc/svgedit/svg-editor.html?paramurl=/inc/clean.html?id=66079 ) and huge candlestick ( http://vintageprintables.blogspot.com/2012/10/vintage-candlesticks-clip-art.html ) coming right up! :D

John H. D. Watson said...

L - have you ever shot a bow and arrow?

pandabob said...

I've always liked swag bags for criminals and the black and white striped shirts, I think clipart criminals must be so much easier to catch than real ones ;-)

Blood splatter would be hard to mimick, maybe one cell at a time?

Giant weapons would be amazing and give a real talking point to your presentation.

John H. D. Watson said...

(I'm now picturing a giant foam candlestick rather than clip art.)

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - and maybe a dinosaur!

Danger - not a proper one. Just like...a sort of toy one.

AnonyBob - so much easier. but policemen are all Pcs and all fat, so maybe not??

pandabob said...

You'd have to do a better job with the scenethan I can Greg because I don't think this is all that believable

http://www.flickr.com/photos/82950415@N04/8288187001/in/photostream

Greg Lestrade said...

I think you've stuck faithfully to the clip-art style there though! Brilliant.

Someone's already got there with the idea of me doing the seminar though:

http://www.clipartclipart.com/_images_300/Police_officer_pointing_to_an_bad_guy_100422-151142-414057.jpg

Maybe that really is how it's done in the USA?? ;)

pandabob said...

no giant weapons though so I could have done better!

With that pic you need never speak at a seminar again ;-)

REReader said...

It would depend on the part of the country, L...

Greg Lestrade said...

Would it, RR? I see. That policeman looks pretty worried. Don't think I'll go there.

AnonyBob - the giant weapon must be hiding in a tiny bin... possibly underneath a gigantic dog, which would scare away my small cartoon sniffer dog...

pandabob said...

What we'll need is a really tiny policeman to investigate. One so small no one will notice him walking around collecting his evidence with his six foot note pad and pencil

REReader said...

Some places see less crime than others--and some parts of the country have sheriffs in sheriff uniforms instead. You know, little regional differences.

;D

Greg Lestrade said...

...I don't think John wants to join the police though, AnonyBob...

(I'm so glad I'm not within cushion-chucking range right now.)

pandabob said...

he would fit the scale perfectly so that's a bugger ;-)

(he'll get you in the morning but he'll never get me ;-) )

John H. D. Watson said...

Just wait till you get home, young man...

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm really hoping you mean that in some parts of the country sheriff's wear like... comedy mascot costumes, or cheerleader outfits, instead of sheriff's uniforms. But sadly I doubt it.

Danger - I literally can't wait! But I must point out that was AnonyBob's fault.

pandabob said...

oy you trying to get me in trouble!

I won't provide things to make you laugh when you're at work if you're just going to tell on me :-(

comedy mascots as sheriff's would be just fab!!

John H. D. Watson said...

She's always out of cushion range, though. Anyway, keep this up and you'll get none of my peculiar misshapen scones.

pandabob said...

always out of peculiar misshapen scones range as well :-(

Greg Lestrade said...

You could post a cushion. (without anthrax.)

And peculiar and misshapen are my favourite sort of scones :(

pandabob said...

I know, I'll get someone about your height to hit me with a cushion in the morning John, I'm sure Tiny will be happy to oblige :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

that's a very kind thought, AnonyBob!

John H. D. Watson said...

Anonybob - see if I post you any peculiar and misshapen scones now!

L - any cushions I deliver to you will be anthrax free, I promise.

Greg Lestrade said...

I meant post a cushion to AnonyBob! To: AnonyBob, The Naughty Corner, The Internet. That's her address. (But still, no anthrax anyway. Just scones, maybe.)


Sweet scones or cheese scones? I know Sherlock will have been angling for cheese...

John H. D. Watson said...

Lemon ginger. They're...not really sweet and not really savoury. I'm not quite sure what to think of them. And yes, Sherlock did want cheese. Or for these to have chocolate in.

Small Hobbit said...

Ooh if there are scones then AnonyBob had better budge up in The Naughty Corner.

Greg Lestrade said...

they sound...interesting? What does one eat with them? (I mean, a normal 'one', not Sherlock. Who I am calling right now so he can go to bed.)

pandabob said...

I think I've done my 31 minutes in the naughty corner now so I'm just popping out to say Sorry John. I'd say I wouldn't make short jokes again but that would probably be a lie and lying might get me sent back to the naughty corner ;-)

The scones sound interesting John even if they are peculiar and misshapen :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Does anyone know if a DI's been in the naughty corner if he's alone in his office? There's a question for the ages...

pandabob said...

the naughty corner or hell depending how you look at it!

Have you got much done tonight other than develop your understanding of crime scene recording?

John H. D. Watson said...

L - to be honest, I'm not sure one does. Next time, cheese.

Thanks for calling Sherlock. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

No problem. He said I had glitter to tidy before I did my guitar practice tomorrow...

AnonyBob - that is, obviously, the most productive I've been. But I've also initialled a bunch of memos to show I've read them and absorbed their contents, and am currently going through my team's case files to see what direction they're all going in and offer useful advice if I can think of any.

John H. D. Watson said...

Oh, you do...so much glitter. I did make a start, but it keeps showing up in unexpected places. You may have to frisk me for concealed glitter when you get home.

pandabob said...

You sound like you've done lots Greg, your multi tasking abilities are first class :-)

couldn't concealed glitter be a little bit painful John?

John H. D. Watson said...

It's certainly not something you want up your nose, I can tell you that much.

pandabob said...

glittery sneezes are very Christmassy though ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I honestly read that as 'not something you want up your arse, I can tell you that much'


...and wondered what JHDW had been up to in my absence!!

Where are my glasses....

John H. D. Watson said...

Ha! I'm quite sure you wouldn't want it there either, no matter how Christmassy!

Greg Lestrade said...

Although, by AnonyBob's standards - festive farts!

I think it would chafe...

REReader said...

It sounds like you had a very festive evening even without that, John. :)

(Were you and Sherlock working on a sign for his show or something else...more holiday cards, perhaps?)


It looks like it's pretty unpleasant out by you, L, so I hope you don't have to spend any extended time out of doors tonight.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, fairly wet n windy, but at least it's not freezing anymore.

John H. D. Watson said...

There was a poster for his show to hang up at school if Mrs N says it's all right, and there may also have been a card or two as well once we got the glitter out.

REReader said...

Not freezing is good--staying dry is even better!

That sounds very nice, to be honest, John. :)

Small Hobbit said...

By my count that means glittery cards, poster, doc (exact position of glitter to be established), presumably carpet and possibly dogs?

Greg Lestrade said...

ahh, closing time. that'll be my signal to go and clean up some horrible mess of alcohol, anger and bodies then.

Night all.

Danger, I'll call you.

John H. D. Watson said...

L - love you, good luck.

SH - and one Mycroft and a partridge in a pear tree, yes.

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