Was meant to cook curry last night - a first, for me. But instead stayed at work, staring at the walls and willing that one clue that'll crack the case to jump out at me.
But Danger did turn up with dinner for me, cooked by Mrs Hudson. Not quite what I had planned.
So now he knows about the case I'm "not talking about". Which doesn't mean I'm about to start talking about it. Some things in this job get to everyone. Some things get to certain people. Some things don't seem to worry you, and then you worry about yourself. Hard to keep hold of your humanity, sometimes. Hard to let go of it, others.
Makes me worry a bit about the boys, too. They both - but Sherlock particularly, being so much younger - see things, via me, that other kids don't. Sherlock loves murders. Loves the stories. And I worry sometimes that I'm making it all too much of a story, and not enough about the real life consequences. Mycroft understands all that. I'm not sure Sherlock does. Sometimes I feel irresponsible. But I don't want to scare him, either.
I don't know thinking too much, probably. Some cases do that to you, too. Sometimes you need to get out and eat ice cream and just accept that you can't save the world on your own.
As much as you all rag me for not taking compliments and all that, I know I'm damn good at my job. And sometimes that means I put a lot of pressure on myself - and my team, who are equally as good, and without who I wouldn't be half as successful - Because I don't want any case to be the one I have to send to 'unsolved' pile.
It was easy, before John and the boys. Stay at the Yard, sleep at my desk, drink coffee, eat take away, ignore the rest of the world and just focus. I didn't have or want a life outside of work, not really. Because everything outside always went tits up, and everything about my job has always gone well.
Trying to rebalance my life isn't as easy as I thought it might be. But I think I'm getting better. i just relapse sometimes.
Speaking of which, it's close to a year since I gave up smoking...there have beenn relapses on that front, too.
John, Mycroft and Sherlock are the best motivators I could have on both fronts.
Curry tonight, everyone?