26 February 2012

Dreaming the lonely night through...

No more news on...everything. Which I suppose is good news.

Haven't been doing much dreaming, though. Mainly thinking.

Arsenal winning - and coming from behind to do so, more good news.

Mycroft going back to school this evening - not such good news, but he wants to go on the bike, so that's nice. We're just packing up now. Or he is.

Was going to write an entry about the appalling injustice of you lot voting John innocent and me guilty on my polls...but it sort of feels less funny being voted guilty now than it did at the time. So maybe leave that for another entry, when all this is over with.

So, given I've got time on my hands (well, inbetween coats of paint, anyway), I'll go with DW's suggestion (okay, to be honest, I can't remember who suggested it. But it was probably DW.)

Questions please, for Lestallion's Upstanding Column Of Love. (obviously, even if you don't usually, you can feel free to go Anon.)

And as a disclaimer...every answer could be complete bollocks. Okay?

212 comments:

1 – 200 of 212   Newer›   Newest»
Desert Wanderer said...

I don't think it was me. And what's the difference between a gym workout and weights? Unless you're talking about calisthenics?

Greg Lestrade said...

It was you. Talking about birds/birds, bees/bees and all permutations following it... I just went and checked. It was a good idea! It'll keep my mind on thinking about stuff like this while I paint, and off everything else.

Weights I mean freeweights, gym I mean a proper gym routine of resistance and cardio (which is what I sort of prefer, but I like being outdoors too...so I tend to run instead).

REReader said...

I voted "other" because pretty much my exercise is t'ai chi and that's it. (Well, and stretching first.)

I'll have to give some thought to questions for your column. Which I'm not thinking I'll have a lot to ask, seeing as I can't quite bring myself to copy down the name! ;)

Greg Lestrade said...

I was trying to think of a way of putting t'ai chi and yoga and stuff like that on there, but couldn't work out how to phrase it as one entity. Hence 'other'.

You don't actually have to ask anything, RR. It's not compulsory.

REReader said...

I don't?!?!?

(But everything is all about me, have you not noticed?)

Anon Without A Name said...

I get the impression that actions usually speak louder than words with Mycroft.

I answered "I don't" because I hate exercise, and always have, even when I was doing gym sessions and the like every day. Hateful. But I was tempted to answer "other", because if I just have to get a bit of cardio... ;-)

Mycroft - I hope that you have an enjoyable rest of the term at school.

Rider said...

I prefer cycling and free weights, but seems to me that if "other" includes "etc" then Lestrade would definitely work out every day.

REReader said...

Have a fun trip back to school, Mycroft. (SAFE trip, I meant safe of course!)

Let us know how the dogs do with Morse code.

Anonymous said...

Have you got some guidelines on how explicit or not you're happy for this to be? In November you were asked, and answered, some fairly non-euphemistic questions, but I know that both boys read this.

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah. Yes. Um, well, I'm sure Danger will make it known if he thinks I'm straying too far off the path of acceptable things...or higher powers will.

I suppose I'm fine with it all, really, as a sort of educational thing. I mean, last time I think we all talked about some things which it's probably good for people to think about. I'm assuming Mycroft is getting both a formal sex education at school, and the informal sort that any number of boys in dorms are always going to give each other - meaning a lot of posturing and not a whole mass of facts. I'd rather he learnt things from here.

Sherlock generally isn't very interested anyway. Unless it involves murders. But again, there are worst people he could get an education from...

That said, I should probably say that any posts risk being deleted - The Fairy Holmesmother is omnipresent, after all. (mine included).

CzechReader said...

Hmm, I can't think of any questions right now, perhaps in the future :-)

I voted for the gym. Circuit training is somehow very calming for me. The cardio at the beginning puts me in the right frame of mind and I simply enjoy the slow pull and motions of a specific muscle group, one at a time. Also it fits my various problems and inhibitions.

I know that for many people the gym circuit training is somehow boring and monotone and I can see it - but for me it's more like a meditation in motion. Probably similar to how tai-chi is for RR :-)

Anonymous said...

I have a question: Is sexuality fixed (gay, straight, bi), or is it more a spectrum that a person might move along during a lifetime?

Anonymous said...

Isn't it amazing how the mind goes blank when someone says 'ask me a question'?!

I'll give it some though though ;-)

Other includes swimming right? Nothing vertical goes on here.

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah! I meant to include swimming. My mind is really struggling with basic tasks right now.

And don't worry, take your time thinking of questions.

I'm off to take Mycroft back to school, so you've got time. I'll leave you in John's capable hands...

Piplover said...

Here's a question. At what age do you think most young people are mature and emotionally capable of handling sex? I always thought most people started way too young, since hormones and such usually tend to lead to stupid decisions and bad situations.

Sherlock said...

If people have sex to have babies then why do people who can't have babies have sex because I've seen it on TV and they always sound like it hurts lots because they yell and shout so if you can't even have babies then what's the point because men and men can't have babies together like you and John and women and women can't and then some other people can't just because of other reasons.

CzechReader said...

Is it wrong to cackle madly after reading Sherlock's question? :-)

Sherlock - I have a question about your question: Where does come your data about people having sex only to have babies?

CzechReader said...

*Where does your data come from - I keep on omitting words today...

REReader said...

Sherlock, is that a question for Lestrade (since he asked for questions), or is it a question for just anyone?

Also--on a completely different subject--did you get your degus their hammock, and if so do they like it?

REReader said...

Well, it's not actually a funny question--it is a very good question. And a question some religions have made rather important.

(On the other hand, if you're amused picturing L's face, then... ;))

Anonymous said...

Sherlock, I think thats a question for you to discuss with John in private rather than for Lestrade to answer here because it's much more complicated than it might seem.


How is the degus' new room coming on? Hope you don't miss Mycroft too much now he's off back to school.

Anony

Sherlock said...

I had to put the degus back in their cage so I didn't see all your questions and they do have a hammock and a tube and they haven't gone in it much yet but I think they will.

CzechReader, Lestrade and John say it's not true and people do it because it's nice and when they're in love but it doesn't SOUND nice on television because of the noises people make so I don't know if they just say it so I'm not scared or something even though I wouldn't be anyway because they said you don't have to do it at all if you don't want to, ever.

The people on television make a noise more like Lestrade did the time when I accidentally hit him between the legs and he made a LOT of moaning noises and he said that was definitely bad and hurt lots.

ReReader it was to Lestrade but he's taking Mycroft back to school and I don't know when he'll be back so anyone can say if they know.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, I could use some advice from you as the Lestallion and as a police officer. I'm a young woman with a trusting nature, somewhat sheltered, and socially awkward around the male gender. I'm thinking about starting to date via dating sites, but I've had less than stellar encounters with older men in the past (all of which were completely unsolicited on my part).

So my question is this: what advice would you give to a young person to date safely, but without crossing the line into paranoia?

~A from NW

REReader said...

Okay, then.

Sherlock, people mostly have sex because it feels good (physically) by itself, and because being that close with a person they love feels good (emotionally) by itself, and the two good feelings together are best. The noises people make--well, people don't only yell and moan when something hurts, they also do it when get excited, or when something feels so good they don't have any other way to express it. And that's why people can make strange noises during sex.

And it's absolutely true that no one has to have sex, ever, if they don't want to. Or they might only want to have sex with one special person, ever, and that is perfectly fine, too.

Does that make sense to you?


I'm guessing that Argon and Mercury will use their new toys more when they're in their cage while you're in school. They'll have more time to explore it and try it out then. Please keep us updated!

Anonymous said...

There are some people I know (yes, truly, not someone standing in for me. Let's call them A and B. A and B have recently entered a relationship. Except B is married to C. I...am conflicted. One one hand, they're happy together, on the other, C is, as far as I know, unknowing. I don't know C, I just know A and B, and did before they got together. And it's...painful, to put it mildly, to watch their relationship play out in front of me, knowing what I know. I'm dreadfully uncomfortable with it all, I think the entire situation is completely unfair as there are no plans for B to divorce C, but I don't know how to tell them they're sort of being jerks about it all without sounding like a total prude, which, I'm not, normally, but...Sigh.

Signed,
Prudie

Anon Without A Name said...

Sherlock, it's true that some people do make some very odd noises when they have sex, and sometimes it can sound like they're not enjoying it even when they are. But John and Lestrade were being honest with you; many (I would guess most - but not all) people find that sex is nice, especially when they love the other person. But they're also right that you never have to do it if you don't want to. And I remember a while ago, DW I think wrote on one of the blogs a comment about sex having a physical element, and an emotional element, and that one should be careful and not rush either of those (except DW said it much better than that). So it's really not something that you should need to think about too mucch for a good few years yet.

I think that you that John and Lestrade do their very best to always be honest with you.

Also, what you see on television is fiction, not real, and television gets lots of things wrong, all the time.

John, Lestrade - I'm assuming that perhaps Sherlock has misunderstood something he's seen on TV, but whatever it is, it doesn't sounds especially pre-watershed?

CzechReader said...

I am totally picturing L's face. That's why I'm cracking up. :-D

Anonymous said...

Glad you got the things for the Degus' Sherlock I'm sure they'll enjoy them once they're used to them.


Never ever in your life trust TV over John and Lestrade, believe me they will tell you the truth and TV will not.

Anony

CzechReader said...

Sherlock - people on TV are usually actors and often exaggerate, in behavior and in making noises. By the way, what were you watching on the TV when you saw this? :-)

Look, each person feels differently about sex. Some people believe that sex is only for making babies. Some people believe that it's fun and feel good about it. It's kind of like L not liking hot spicy food and John liking it a lot. Or, again about babies, let's talk about L's bike now - he can ride it for a specific purpose, like to get from home to work and back. But when he feels like it, he can just ride his bike because he likes riding his bike and feels good about it. So for many people sex is the same - they like it and it feels good for them to be doing it, so they do it to feel good. And there are people who for some reason or other believe that doing it just to feel good isn't right, so they do it just for babies. Again, different people, different opinions, different likes and dislikes. Does it make sense so far?

Does sex hurt? Well, does riding your bike in a park hurt? Usually not, because you know what you are doing, right? But if you make a mistake you can hurt yourself. Same with lots of other things, like cooking (if you don't know how to handle a knife when cutting something, you can cut yourself and it hurts too), running and many other things. That's why people should be, in my opinion, old enough to realize what they are going to do, and read and talk about sex before trying anything so that they know what can go wrong, how to prevent things from going wrong, and what the consequences might be. There's a reason why there is so-called "age of consent" anchored in the law and people younger than that age should not have sex.

For now you need to know that people usually enjoy sex just because they like the feeling, that you are definitely under the age of consent so you don't have to worry about it for a while, and that you can ask John or L anything about it. And that actors on TV are playing make-believe, so not all you see on TV is necessarily true. Like for example many criminal series (CSI and I don't know what else) show that you can get the DNA results within a few minutes and so on, but in reality it takes much longer.

But seriously, what were you watching and when?

CzechReader said...

(Okay, Internet, feel free to make fun of me for comparing sex to riding a bike - I confess, this is in my garage... :-D)

Anon Without A Name said...

CR - It's seems like an apposite comparator under the circumstances. And anyway, I just thought you were just channelling Rider :-)

CzechReader said...

Nameless - I ...think I got idea of your message .-D And yes, I channel Rider pretty often. Or, to be more precise, I channel an archetypal biker pretty often. ;-)

John H. D. Watson said...

I thought the bike metaphor worked quite well, really.

Anonymous said...

Lestallion's Upstanding Column Of Love

I'll go with a question for you then.

Whats the best thing to do if your husband tells you he thinks about being with other men most of the time but still loves you?


Even more anon than normal

Anonymous said...

Question: There seems to be a lot of imaginative writing around the web about gay male sex written by straight women. How close/far is that sort of thing from reality?

Rider said...

CR: now there's a blast from the past! The 400 didn't sell here, 400s were in the same registration/insurance category as anything over 250cc so no one wanted them. You bought a 250 to learn on then went straight to a 750+ :)

Ah the Yamaha early 80s space age styling. No idea about the 400 but the 250 was a well known slug so they didn't sell. Not when you could have an LC250 2 stroke instead!

(And I'm afraid I think the LC was better looking...)

Anonymous said...

It's not just on the web; it's also in published gay romance novels. Or, quite often, any gay character in any romance storyline...

As one of my friends in the know puts it, 'seriously, why do straight female writers think gay men do nothing but [use phrase of your choice here]'?

Greg Lestrade said...

You guys have got some serious questions this time around...

I will answer, as I said, gives me things to think about when I'm painting and stuff.

Right now I feel like I need to defend our ability to look after a 6 yr old. He's never - to my knowledge - seen anything explicit. But the watershed here is 9pm, and he doesn't go to bed until ten, so he probably has seen a bit more than most six year olds. But we're always in the room with him, and we'd turn off anything we were worried about. He's just seen enough people fumbling about between the sheets to ...well, not get quite a full picture.

And I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunity to talk to him about it in the morning. But you all did a great job of it. Love your comparison, CR. And you even refrained from mentioining getting your leg over, straddling or all the other things I'd have had to slip in there ;)

Greg Lestrade said...

(and in his defence, when he got me in the crotch I was rolling about on his floor moaning, panting and saying 'oh God'...so I can see how he got the wrong idea there, too!)

Small Hobbit said...

Rider - I came on here to get away from the discussion about replacing the carburetor on the scrambler that doesn't work and how to get it MOTed when it doesn't have any tax or insurance (because it doesn't go). It would appear I can't escape.

CzechReader said...

This is one of the few in the Czech Republic, made in 1982. I like it :-) My best friend got herself Yamaha SZR 660, probably the only in this country, but decided to sell it and went for the TDM instead. I am sorry to report that a brand new Triumph Tiger her boyfriend bought himself had so many hidden problems that he reverted to the TDM as well.

During the 80s here were just a few bikes around - Jawa 350, ČZ 175, MZ 250 and then mostly Ural 750, usually with a sidecar :-)

REReader said...

As I said over on John's blog, L, I'm pretty sure he could see enough in the middle of the day to make him ask that particular question.


(And whew. I was more than a bit worried that I should have kept quiet.)

Anonymous said...

no need to defend yourself, most kids see things they maybe shouldn't and have ideas that are weirdly right to them, they just don't have access to the internet to let the world know.

My daughter gave a very good performance of childbirth to her nursery class after she'd seen her sister born! I got looks of disgust from other mums for weeks ;-)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

RR - your comment on John's blog about vetting comments on here had me more worried than anything else, to be honest - I hadn't been reading my notifications, assuming they'd be questions and stuff I'd deal with later. Not assuming they'd be questions from Sherlock, though.

Anony - he has had some very amusing questions in the past. I'd feel mean telling you all, though.

I don't see why people have a problem with young kids knowing about childbirth and things - it's all natural!

Anonymous said...

My thoughts exactly which is why she was there but other people didn't agree!!

Kids questions are so funny but I do tend to tell people behind her back which, given Sherlock reads this, I suppose you can't do ;-)

Anony

REReader said...

Sorry, sorry. Mea maxima culpa. I really need to learn when to shut up.

I was just nervous about my own answer, and really any answer, in the sense that there's no way of knowing what he's taking away from them out here in the ether. (Or, indeed, if he's taking anything away from them at all.)


When my sister was pregnant with her 4th, naturally her 3rd had questions, and my sister, feeling as you do, answered her honestly, albeit age-appropriately. And my niece explained the whole process to a perfect stranger at a bus stop the next day. (Not every day an innocent bystander gets hit with words like "uterus" from a random 4-year-old.)

Small Hobbit said...

I was on a Brownie walk once the evening after the 10 year old girls had had "the" talk at school, so they were all keen to tell me about it. What left me totally confused was the appearance of goldfish - they didn't know why and I didn't ask.

Greg Lestrade said...

RR - you can always be sure we'll read everything on here and talk to him about it if we think we need to.

I'd hope any random strangers at bus stops already knew where babies came from - and if not, I'm sure your niece gave them a useful education.

SH - You don't have goldfish appear? I think you're doing something wrong...we're positively awash with goldfish after a nice bit of etc. here...

Rider said...

I had an MZ250! Excellent basic workhorse, nothing fazed it. Cheap as chips to run too. Maintenance consisted of giving it a new sparkplug for Christmas and promising it you would do the points. OK, top speed 100kmh on the flat if you crawled behind the clocks but slow touring means you see more of the country and fewer highway patrol blue and red lights in the mirror...

(I only sold it because I was doing a lot of travelling and was getting sick of 1000km days at redline, and not being able to pass trucks in the wet. I know where it is, and the current owner does want to sell it, if I had the shed room I'd have it back like a shot!)

Desert Wanderer said...

we're positively awash with goldfish after a nice bit of etc. here...

Really? That gives a whole new meaning to the pond you dug, then. Out of bowls in the flat?

Anonymous said...

...Like goldfish the pet fish, or goldfish the biscuit/cracker/snack?

Or are you just yanking my chain? (Not in that way!) :D

~A from NW

Anonymous said...

A less serious question then - any tips on how to suppress one's gag reflex?

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - yup!

A - I have no idea what a Goldfish biscuit/cracker/snack is... if that answers your question?

Danger, back me up here, you'r the doctor! How can SH have got this far in life without knowing about the appearance of goldfish?

Desert Wanderer said...

A, I love goldfishes 'cause they're so delicious!

Lestrade, I thought that said "Danger, knock me up here," which seemed appropos if....unlikely.

REReader said...

Goldfish crackers


you can always be sure we'll read everything on here and talk to him about it if we think we need to.

*erases all unnecessary ideas of responsibility from idiot mind*


I'm just going to offer a blanket apology for anything particularly stupid I've said/done today--I'm a bit feverish and not thinking clearly, obviously.

REReader said...

Note: I've only seen goldfish crackers on tv and in stores--Pepperidge Farms, so far as I know, makes nothing kosher.

Anonymous said...

Greg, DW - Between the two of you, I am now absolutely lost about goldfish. Because I think I have an idea about what you're really talking about, but... I can't ask for an outright answer.

Meanwhile, Greg, the goldfish snack: http://www.pepperidgefarm.com/productlanding.aspx?catid=722

~A from NW

John H. D. Watson said...

A - he really is just yanking your chain, promise.

Sorry, L, I cannot back you up on...sexually generated goldfish. That might be the oddest sentence I've ever typed.

REReader said...

Oh, good, thank you, John. I was starting to wonder. Because I like to think that while I may be innocent, I'm not ignorant, and couldn't think at all what "goldfish" could mean.... *wonders a bit more*

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger - you type the oddest sentence you've ever typed a lot! It's good. Can you feel your horizons of ridiculousness widening?

Those goldfish crackers look...horrible!

DW - but, as far as one of us knocking the other up, apparently more believable than the other way around. Why, I do not know.

Greg Lestrade said...

Anon - I'm not sure what to think about the fact you think I'd have tips on such a thing... ;)

(I'm not going to ask the Doc to back me up on that, though. Not now he's failed me on the goldfish.)

John H. D. Watson said...

L - believe me, I know! And yes, I can. They widen exponentially, day by day, minute by minute.

Desert Wanderer said...

apparently more believable than the other way around. Why, I do not know.

Says whom? Don't know? Or don't want to say?

John H. D. Watson said...

I think Sherlock who decided that if one of us were going to get pregnant, it should be L. Obviously, I agree...

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - unbelievably...or not, given these blogs... the subject of which of us 'should' get pregnant has come up at least twice before. And I got the vote both times.

Of course, with my nipples now, it'd be better if John did, or breastfeeding would be like a sprinkler system...

Desert Wanderer said...

It's the pouches, clearly. You're like a mama kangaroo.


(Pony, silver fox, badger, kangaroo. You're practically a menagerie, Lestrade. Not that kind)

omg, the Captcha says "ugotatit" *snerk*

REReader said...

I thought that the babysitting gave him the opinion that no one should get pregnant? (I seem to remember an emphatic "Give him back!")

Greg Lestrade said...

You're practically a menagerie, Lestrade.

What DOES that say about Danger, DW??

RR - I meant 'should' if it were to happen. Which, happily, unless there's a very sudden scientific breakthrough, it isn't.

Anonymous said...

John -Thank you. I was starting to freak out quite a bit.

Greg - Reading your blog is like living with my sophomore college roommate. I learn so much about sexuality and "un-lady-like subjects" from my friends (rather than my parents, who scold me if I so much cross my legs while sitting down)... Of course, this makes me an easy target for teasing :)

DW - *giggling* I agree with you!

~A from NW

REReader said...

Same here, come to think of it.

On several counts. :)

REReader said...

Oops, too slow--I was referring to L's scientific breakthrough.

Desert Wanderer said...

What DOES that say about Danger, DW??

He's got a big heart? /guileless


(...and a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge bedroom)

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah, sorry. I was just as confused by the sudden appearance of goldfish in SH's story as everyone else.

It was just an amusing mental image - to be ambushed by waterfalls of goldfish during every encounter. And for a few people in the world being the only ones this never happened to, until....

Anonymous said...

Greg - I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about. *looks innocent*

DW - *giggling* Of course, a huge heart and bedroom...

~A from NW

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - I was thinking more the patience of a saint, to groom out all my fur...of course.

Greg Lestrade said...

speaking of, he should get to bed - seeing as he's got work in the morning, even if I haven't.

Desert Wanderer said...

I believe someone was promised a rub rub last night? ;)

Have a good night, guys.

Greg Lestrade said...

I was...but rub rub can wait. Don't want him being a tired doc for all his sick patients. And if I shift all the furniture about and sugar soap and sand all these walls down tomorrow I might need it more tomorrow night.

REReader said...

You have Sherlock to get breakfast for, which he says is work and who am I to argue. And a bedroom to paint.

REReader said...

aaaaaand again I am too slow.

Good night, guys!

Desert Wanderer said...

Here's a question. How'd you make your "Upstanding Column of Love" red?

Anyone?

REReader said...

Testing

Anonymous said...

When you post an entry in a blogspot account, there's a "change text color" button that will auto-format your text for you.

Otherwise, the HTML coding is [span style="color:#ff0000;"] text you want in red [/span], with <> replacing the [].

Though for some reason, it doesn't look like the comments accept anything other than the bold, italics and underline HTML commands... *mutters something inappropriate on a family-friendly blog*

I hope I haven't made a right fool of myself now...
~A from NW

REReader said...

Okay, not with the [color] tag.

AHA! Sorry, DW--I looked at the source code, and it's with a tag that's not allowed in the comments:
[b][span style="color: #990000;"]WORD TO BE IN RED[/color][/b]

only with angled brackets instead of square brackets. (You can use the [b] [/b] bold tags in the comments, though.)

REReader said...

The comments also allow a simplified form of [a href=] tagging; that's how I make my links so purty.

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - I was going to make a bad joke about tight rings and making sure it didn't go too purple... but you've got people to take your question seriously, so I'll just slope off...

Desert Wanderer said...

lol. I thought you'd say "careful manipulation" or somesuch, but that's just as good.

I purposely set it up just for someone to make a joke. Although, I was honestly curious two, so even better!

Greg Lestrade said...

You, DW, purposefully setting up a bit of smut on these blogs? I don't believe it...

Anonymous said...

Greg - You weren't the only one who stared for a moment at DW's question and wondered, "How do you answer that question in a child-proof way?" =D

Sleep eluding capture again tonight?

DW - *hugs*

~A from NW

REReader said...

Your answer would have been better, L. But I've got a geek streak. (And I'm trying to learn HTML, to boot, so the setup went right by me.)

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm fairly resigned to sleep eluding me right now. It's not exactly restful when it happens, to be honest.

Maybe tomorrow, if I can wear myself out a bit.

Desert Wanderer said...

We could tell you a story...

Once upon a time, in a garden far, far away (like, in Ipswich or something) lived two badgers, named George and Jack...

Anonymous said...

They met each other over the scene of a honey pot theft that left another badger badly bitten...

~A from NW (who is waiting to see how this round robin style of story-telling is going to go with unseemly glee)

REReader said...

You can hang out with us, or prowl the byways of the interwebs, seeking out our deep secrets!

(At least, you can for those of us who have blogs and stuff. I think mine links through from here. I also write the blog for a musician fansite, at which you will undoubtedly sneer: Castrocopia.) (No, you most certainly don't have to. :))

REReader said...

(No good at telling stories, so I'm pretending I didn't see it.)

Greg Lestrade said...

I wouldn't sneer, RR.

I'm hooked, DW. You know, I've learnt from the very best about how to be demanding about bedtime stories though...you've got to finish this one now.

REReader said...

Well, if you like, you can go look at what I write when I'm not writing comments here, under the Castrocopia link. Or not.


If you will be veeeeeery undemanding:

Of course, being our heroes, the badgers recovered the honey pot and gave the thief a good what-for. ...

Desert Wanderer said...

During the scuffle, George had broken a claw and was very put upon. "Alas and woe betide me," he cried. "How ever am I to get yummy grubs and mealworms to eat without my claw?!"

Jack smirked at his funny language, but still felt bad for him. "Alas and woebetide?! Have no fear! I can fix a claw, for before I became a crime-fighting badger I was the greatest pawicurist in the whole county."

REReader said...

"That would be most kind," said George, and sat down and held out his paw.

"Ah," said Jack. "You had best come back to my burrow, where I keep my pawicurist kit."

So the two of them trundled off to Jack's home.

Anonymous said...

Trust us. We have.

Greg Lestrade said...

Aw, what's brock to do without yummy grubs, huh?

Although I'm not really sure you're all putting in maximum effort with the voices... I get marked down for not doing voices 'properly'...obviously, this being written, I can only guess. But I want you all to do your best.

REReader said...

You're welcome.

REReader said...

I can do voices!

But what is "brock"?

Greg Lestrade said...

Brock is slang for a badger. I think it's from a Beatrix Potter character.

REReader said...

Ah. The only Beatrix Potter I know is Peter Rabbit. *googling for picture* Cute!

Desert Wanderer said...

What, like "Cor blimey guv, it's a right fair cop. Yes, I half inched and and I ain't bovvered. It was well easy."

REReader said...

If that's the next line of the story, I'm outta here, because I have no idea what you just said!

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, DW, only if the honey thief was a greasy city fox from the East End :)

I'm teasing, it's a brilliant story, accents or no.

My eyelids are drooping, promise.

REReader said...

THAT I believe. (The drooping eyelids part.)

DW, your turn!

REReader said...

Oh, very well.

Shortly thereafter, Jack ushered George into his home in a very nice back garden.

"This is a very nice burrow," said George, looking around.

"Have a seat," said Jack, "I'll be right back."

Then George heard the most awful racket, as of things being flung helter-skeleter, this way and that.

"Is everything all right, my dear fellow?" he called out.

"Yes, yes, I know just where to put my paws on it," replied Jack. The racket resumed.

Whereupon George decided he may as well put some water on to boil for tea.

REReader said...

(It is at this point in the tale that Sherlock flings me out of the flat for not merely having talking animals but DRIVEL-talking animals. Too bad you're reasonably polite, L... )

Greg Lestrade said...

Only 'reasonably'?

Yeah, he'd have been down on this story from the start...

REReader said...

*considers* No, you're right. Unreasonably polite is more like it. :)


DW, IT'S YOUR TURN!!!!

Or poor L is going to end up with a story rated something younger than G!

REReader said...

(Or I could continue it myself.

Or we could talk about something completely different.

Dealer's choice. :))

Desert Wanderer said...

George felt a bit foolish, standing there in the kitchen with the kettle boiling but no idea where the mugs were. Let alone the tea, teapot, spoons, sugar, or milk. Luckily, he was saved by Jack's arrival in the kitchen.

George's keen investigatory senses detected something markedly...different about his companion.

"Are you...Is that...Did you do something to your fur? It looks spikey."

Jack's left ear twitched in a way George had already learned he was embarrassed. "No. Of course not. Just a bit mussed from looking for my pawicurist kit. That's all. Nothing special"

George shuffled a little closer. "Surely you didn't use..." and he took a tentative lick. "Strawberry jam!" He started to laugh.

Jack sniffed. "What are you laughing for? Jam has lots of uses."

"Really," George drawled. "Such as?"

(somebody help me out here, please!)

REReader said...

*flails about wildly*

And you expect ME to come up with something to top that?!?

Anonymous said...

The biggest issue, however, was trying to find the kettle. It wasn't that the kitchen was disorganized, no far from it, but every cabinet that George opened was full of all sorts of mysterious pans, pots, and cookie cutters that he couldn't tell where the tea kettle was stored.

~A from NW

Desert Wanderer said...

Or wait for someone else to write something. There's got to be more than the two of us. :)

REReader said...

"Such as...such as...Ah, you've boiled the water for tea! Excellent."

And Jack brushed past George to get to the tea, teapot, spoons, sugar, milk, and mugs. However, it was really a very small kitchen--very small indeed. And Jack had somehow forgotten to put down his pawicurist kit. So when I say brushed past...well, there was really quite a bit of brushing involved.

Anonymous said...

Erm....

"It can be used as bait, to lure in bees for the honeypots and--" Jack's ear twiched again, "and other things."

He quickly changed the subject. "Let's take a look at that paw."

Jack seized George's hand and froze.

~A from NW (what experience writing romance scenes? I have none!)

Desert Wanderer said...

"What?" George asked. "It's not damaged forever, is it?"

"Er, no" Jack said. "It's fine. Just fine. Perfectly...fine."

George wasn't too convinced. "Just fine? You look like you've seen a dachshund."

Jack smiled reassuringly. "No, it's just your paw. It's so...strong. How do you get it like that?"

"Lots of paw strengthening exercises."

REReader said...

"Oh!" said Jack, not letting go of George's paw. "That's ... good. Maybe you could show me some of those exercises? Or...or would you like some tea, perhaps?"

"Tea would be lovely, but...my claw?"

"Oh, right, yes of course," said Jack, blinking rapidly. "Oh!" And he reached reached into his kit with his other paw for the proper supplies.

Desert Wanderer said...

Jack proved to be excellent with his paws and had George fixed, cleaned, and wrapped in a few short minutes. "There," he said. "How does that feel?"

George rotated his paw and made a dubious face. "I'm not sure. It feels...odd."

Jack frowned a bit. "Odd how?"

"Like it's weaker or something."

"Well, we can't have that," Jack exclaimed. "Clearly we need to test your paw. Maybe this would be a good time to show me some of your...exercises?"

REReader said...

(And not a peep out of L. Think we've bored him silly yet?)

Anonymous said...

RR - I hope he's bored to sleep and currently hugging John.

Otherwise, I'm not sure where we can go in the next post without being scolded in the morning. ;)

~A from NW

REReader said...

Me too.

And you got that right!

Anonymous from the Sacred Oak said...

*AftSO would respond but she is too busy guffawing at the line about the dachshund*

mazarin said...

(So depressed I've missed the live writing! Booooo.)

Desert Wanderer said...

Otherwise, I'm not sure where we can go in the next post without being scolded in the morning. ;)

So are we finished? 'cause I have an ending if we are. Unless someone else has one.

REReader said...

Does that mean you want to contribute a segment before DW winds it all up, maz? Because please do!

REReader said...

I guess if maz doesn't want to play we're done....

Anonymous from the Sacred Oak said...

Also, L, back when you were getting your nipples done, I did a little reading up. Apparently in a properly healed and normally functioning nipple piercing, nursing a baby is not a problem. I would imagine that if a woman gets tender nipples during pregnancy or nursing and needs to leave the jewelry out for a while, she might start to have the problem with the piercing site closing up, but apparently there are plenty of women who nurse and maintain their piercings with success, or at least so it was claimed on the internet.

I have no idea what possessed me to actually look up the answer, but I got the idea from discussions here, so, uh, thank you for the reason to look something up!

(Wait, I never need an excuse to look something up, I'm a _librarian_, it's a job hazard.)

Anonymous from the Sacred Oak said...

To be absolutely clear: one removes nipple jewelry before nursing an infant: choking hazard of course. Things you never thought you'd end up knowing.

Greg Lestrade said...

Cheers guys, excellent story. Jam and all :)

REReader said...

Well, there IS an ending, according to DW...

Desert Wanderer said...

George cocked his head to the side with a cheeky grin. "Alright. I can show you my favorite one. You might find it particularly useful, something you can try every day!"

Jack grinned and tugged George's uninjured paw, leading him to the back of the burrow. "First things first," George said. "We have to clean you up a bit." He pushed Jack gently face-down onto the nest.

Jack lay down, a little anxiously. But George proved to be gentle, using soft motions to tug and pull the jam-covered bits of fur apart, washing them and smoothing them back into order. Jack let himself be lulled into a trance. This was much better than hibernation.

George worked methodically, making sure to take care of every little part. Eventually, he was done, Jack curled up on his side and seemingly trying to burrow himself into the ground.

George leaned over. "Jack," he whispered. "Do you want to see my exercises now?"

"Mnhf" was all Jack replied.

"Are you sure?"

A more emphatic "g'way."

George grinned and tugged Jack as close as possible. "Alright, then" he said, closing his eyes and breathing in Jack's scent. "I wouldn't want to badger you."

Jack just groaned and covered his eye with his paw. "T'm'rw, George. Promise. Now sleep."

And so they did.

REReader said...

(And thank goodness, because I've no idea where this was going. Or rather, I do. :))

REReader said...

*groan/snort/giggle*

Woo, DW!!

Desert Wanderer said...

o rly?

Greg Lestrade said...

I was a little worried, with badgers being push into nests... but DW, that ending was great, terrible puns and all.

Help yourself to a plate of grubs and jam...

REReader said...

You are a better writer than I by far, o master.... *bows*

REReader said...

*offers a tea biscuit as an alternative to grubs*

Anonymous said...

Question, as requested:

I need to phrase this carefully to stay family-friendly. On the one hand, anything non-harming between consenting adults should be fine. On the other hand, there are some practices that to me seem to devalue and or dehumanize one of the partners, and I can't think that that is fine at all. So I guess my question is one of limits and if it's ever right to condemn what other people consent to.

Anonymous said...

<3 it, DW!

~A from NW

CzechReader said...

Yeah, well, English is not my first language, so I am not that sure about my innuendos to go that way. That's the reason for lack of them in that reply to Sherlock. ;-)

Also, I didn't want to confuse him even more... :-D

CzechReader said...

I am not that sure I like the way the exhaust smells due to all the additives needed because of modern fuels...

But it's true, MZ and ČZ and Jawa and basically all of these are of the kind you can basically repair on your knee. On the other hand, you need to repair them pretty often...

Small Hobbit said...

Aargh, I missed all the fun. How come I managed to sleep through a complete badger story.

As for the goldfish, I had never realised that they were supposed to happen - I've been missing them my whole life. I'm still working on my question for Lestallion's column, so if there's an anon question mentioning goldfish you will know who has posted it;) (RR and anyone else who takes things literally, it's a genuine question I'm just not sure how to phrase it.)

Anon Without A Name said...

Blimey. Excellent storytelling, all :-)

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who's mind went to smutty places after DW's question about making things red :-p

Hopefully everyone managed at least a little sleep last night (looking at John's blog I can see the Holmes/Lestrade/Watson household had a bit of a disturbed night).

Lestrade - some interesting questions there.

Anonymous said...

I would add to this very interesting point about nipple piercings and breastfeeding (really, I was wondering about that to), that in any case, you're not under any obligation to breastfeed. Not you Lestrade, since it's unlikely anyway, just general "you".

Greg Lestrade said...

Right. New day. John's safely at work, Sherlock's at school. I've had a run, and bought paint and supplies, and am now tackling the first wall, in my oldest jeans and shirt and, of course, bare feet.

Greg Lestrade said...

I did read all sorts of things before getting them done, and did know it wouldn't actually cause a problem - not that it's a scenario which will ever happen.

But you've blown my excuse for John being the one to gt knocked up out of the water, haven't you? I won't be relying on you lot for backup again...and I'll have to try and think of a new excuse.

Anonymous from the Sacred Oak said...

Do you wear gloves to wash down walls with sugar soap, L? We use a compound called TSP in the US to wash walls before painting, and it's... not outright caustic but it would make my hands crack so I gotta wear gloves.

In the US, sugar soap is a cosmetic body scrub, not a household cleaner, so I just looked up what you're using. It sounds like what I would use to take grease off my kitchen stove, in fact! Yay for simple ionic compounds.

Greg Lestrade said...

Is there? The things you find out...

Does this mean I now have to seek some out and read it? Or does it fit in with a lot of mainstream views on how gay romance/sex works?

I can definitely answer a bit about gay characters in romance storylines. But is second Anon the same as first Anon? I don't want to ignore first Anon if you're different people.

Greg Lestrade said...

Should I worry about your impressions of me that you think I'd know?...

I shall compile some tips. Different things work for different people. So I'm told.

Greg Lestrade said...

AH, here's the question about sugar soap. I answered on John's blog, because I thought you'd asked over there.

Short answer - no, but apparently I should.

Anonymous said...

If you're working barefooted then just be careful what you tread on. The Doc will have no sympathy if you get anything stuck in your foot!

SH

Anonymous said...

We're two different people.

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - I'm sure he would have sympathy. Well, half sure.

Right - first question.

A less serious question then - any tips on how to suppress one's gag reflex?

As I said, different people find different ways around this. It depends how sensitive it is already, partly. An ideal way to test is when you're brushing your teeth. How far back can you put your toothbrush on your tongue. However far back it is, brush your tongue just in front of it, little circles. Move back a little every day, without making yourself gag. If you can't move it every day, then whenever you can, little by little. You can desensitise yourself. You will be able to touch your soft palette in the end.

Also, relax, a lot. Breathe through your nose. If you tense up, stop, take deep breaths. It'll take time - days or weeks, easily.

And, presuming I guess right about your reasons for asking...lots of lube/spit. Lots of trust. And take it slowly - after you've done the toothrush thing. Trust is very important so you don't tense up. And not expecting to get it first go - have a laugh, go as far as you can, and next time, go a bit further.

If all else fails, you can buy numbing sprays - but I really wouldn't. You'll never enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the reply, Lestrade. I'll practice :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Practice makes perfect... ask John.

I mean...er... well, you know, he's learning to ride a bike. He knows all about practice right now. Yeah.

Good luck.

John H. D. Watson said...

Lestrade!

Greg Lestrade said...

Watson?

John H. D. Watson said...

...Nothing, no comment.

Greg Lestrade said...

Mmm. Don't talk with your mouth full. Bad manners.

(He's eating a biscuit, readers. Don't know WHAT you were thinking).

SO, go on, what would I have to do to get a full 'Gregory Lestrade!' from you? Something really naughty...

John H. D. Watson said...

As if you need any help in that department!

Greg Lestrade said...

i always need your help in the naughty department

John H. D. Watson said...

Always happy to assist an expert.

Greg Lestrade said...

Can I just ask, are you male or female? I mean, given the general readership around here, I'm presuming you're female, but I wanted to check, not assume.

Greg Lestrade said...

Question two (in no particular order)

what advice would you give to a young person to date safely, but without crossing the line into paranoia?

Right - first off, I've never done the online dating thing, so I'm not aware of any customs... but here's some basic advice.

If you 'meet' someone online, and then arrange to meet face to face, then I'd always make that first meeting somewhere public, in the middle of the day, and not involving alcohol, personally. So coffee, or something like that, in a cafe, somewhere quite busy.

I'd even explain to the person that I'd like to bring a friend, if I thought it would make me feel better. Anyone with good intentions wouldn't mind, and would understand. Or, if that would feel too awkward, I'd arrange a friend to meet me, at the same cafe, an hour or a couple of hours later - thereby giving me an 'out' after that length of time, and having someone check up on me. And explain that to the 'date'. "One of my friends is going to come down and meet after s/he finishes work in about an hour. I hope you don't mind" (not that it matters if they do mind. And you can always make up a reason why this is the only day you can meet your friend.)

In fact, I'd probably keep the first few meetings as alcohol free as I could, really. Or at least, not make it the focus of the meeting. So, instead of going to a pub/bar, then you could meet somewhere before going to the cinema/a play, and then go somewhere after to talk about it.

Not that I think anyone should be paranoid about alcohol, but here in the UK, at least, there are all sorts of problems with getting drunk, or even drugged, so if I weren't sure of my own capacity for drink, or the person I was meeting, or naturally a bit nervous, I'd give it a miss at first.

Other than that, all the usual things - tell someone where you're going, when you expect to be back. Potentially have someone call you at a certain time, to make sure you're okay. Don't go anywhere where there's nobody else around, don't go to someone's home address. Always make sure you've got enough cash to get a cab home if you need to.

Remember that anyone decent, who likes you and has your best interests at heart, will never pressure into doing anything you don't want to do. Ever.

Never be afraid to say no or to alert a stranger to the fact you don't feel comfortable with who you're with, if that ever happens. :)

And have fun.

Anonymous said...

We're all going to be so much safer in the world thanks to you Greg. A Policeman is never off duty when it comes to looking after the public I guess :-)

Anony

Anonymous said...

Greg - Thanks for the advice. My parents aren't exactly people I can go to for "all the usual things," so I end up cobbling together advice/safety tips from friends and other people.

Mother's dating advice is generally, "Why don't you have any male friends? Why don't you go out with a bunch of them to a movie? That's what I did!" Whereas Father would probably be quite happy if I never date. Ever. *sighs*

Thanks again, Greg. This is helpful, especially with the idea of a friend checking in, either via phone or in person.

~A from NW

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, dunno about you all being safer, but it would make me happy to think I could help in any way.

There are very clever people out there, who can make you feel guilty about your gut reaction. Who can manipulate and confuse. And I really do think the main thing to remember is that if someone cares about you, and they're just a decent human being, they'll want you to feel safe.

And if I'd practiced what I now preach I wouldn't have ended up in half the mess I did. Learn from my mistakes, don't make your own :)

Greg Lestrade said...

No problem.

I think your Dad is about the same as millions of other Dads with daughters.

And it's hard to meet the right people! Not everyone has a Fairy Holmesmother on matchmaking duty :)

REReader said...

True that last! The matchmakers people have attempted to shove me at were more like Yentl from "Fiddler on the Roof". (For those (L) who can't translate--"he's male, he's breathing, it's a perfect match, don't be so fussy.")

Anonymous said...

RR - For a good year or so, the "wedding" talk got to the point where I was only half-joking when I said to friends, "It's entirely possible that I will be invited to my own wedding and meet my husband for the first time at the altar."

As of last October, matchmaking duties have officially been delegated to the family ancestors. Now I should be safe from the 40 year old executive who is looking for a young wife...I hope.

~A from NW

REReader said...

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

good of you to share your knowledge then :-)

Anony

Anon Without A Name said...

Matchmakers? 0_0

Anonymous said...

Nameless - Matchmakers can cover anywhere from the traditional matchmaker (as a profession) to grandmothers swapping the names of their unmarried grandchildren. =)

For many people, it's a safer way to date because someone has pre-screened the other person and thought that the two of you might get along with each other. In my community, it's presented more as an option rather than a done deal: there are no conditions on a date and either person can walk away from it.

~A from NW, who really ought to hush. :)

Anon Without A Name said...

oh, don't hush, AfNW, that's actually really informative. It's a completely different way of doing things than I'm used to, so your explanation was both educational and interesting, thank you :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

it is. I'd be utterly terrified to think who my family might have thought suitable for me though...

Super Anonymous Anon said...

A question, then:

If you're super wary of having sex/asexual, when do you bring that up to a potential new partner? The first date seems a bit TMI, but if you let it go too long, there's the chance of leading your partner on...

REReader said...

*shuddering at memories of what some family members thought suitable for me*

On the other hand--one of my sisters was picked out for the man whom she married by his mother, who thought they'd be perfect for each other. It's worked for *counts on fingers* over 20 years now, anyway. :)

Anonymous said...

If it's informal, like grandmothers swapping names, then yes, it can get rather terrifying. Fast. *recalls surreal conversation while unloading the dishwasher* However, I've never heard of it being serious, aka "grounds for bad blood if a date doesn't happen/goes badly."

If the family is hard-core traditional and they're involved in the process, then it's entirely possible to have...nightmarish miscommunications. (Most of those families I know, however, give their daughters a veto choice and an age limit. If they don't find someone they like by the age of 23/25, the daughters can choose their own husbands.)

Most of the time, though, if you hire a professional matchmaker, they pick people they think are suitable to you.

Each culture (and family) uses matchmakers in different ways. Sometimes, there's a lot of freedom and choice for the person being matched. Other times...

~A from NW

Anonymous from the Sacred Oak said...

You know, as much as I shudder at the idea of outright matchmaking and arranged marriages... I've been unhappy when I tried to meet people just to meet people, and generally happy when I decided to pursue someone with whom I already had a number of mutual friends. The more people I know who know them, and the longer I've known them myself, the better luck I seem to have.

Some of that is that these folks have already seen me when I'm not at my best, and in some cases have seen me at my absolute worst. But some of it, too, is that we already have a community that we feel can support both of us.

I _really_ wouldn't have wanted that input from any of my family members, though, and I shudder when I hear about some of my friends whose parents decide to take a more active role in finding potential dates for their kids, or generally nagging them to find a partner. It's unhappy, whatever cultural tradition it's happening in, and nobody has a monopoly on that kind of nagging either. Feel free to disagree if your own cultural tradition is one of the ones that excels at it, though... :)

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, I'm not so worried by the thoughts of friends setting me up, anything like that. I mean, they should know you pretty well.

It's just the family that terrifies me. I mean, they really don't know me at all. Apart from Nicky, maybe.

John H. D. Watson said...

I have gone on blind dates set up by my sister. Terrifying.

Greg Lestrade said...

Wow. You'll have to tell me about that sometime when I woke wake up Shortstuff laughing.

In Italy they used to invite the local girls to meet me. But they weren't dates - we were only 13 or so. They were trying, though ;)

Greg Lestrade said...

won't wake up...

Anonymous said...

female thats the problem :-(

Even more anon than normal

Small Hobbit said...

You're probably not in the mood for questions at the moment, but in case you're looking for something to distract you at any point, I have two:

Firstly, I get "het" and "gay", but "bi" I find hard to understand. Not in a derogatory sense, but in the sense that I don't understand why anyone wouldn't like marmite. So does being bi mean you see both male and female as equal or what?

Secondly, given my partner doesn't pick up on body language and views comments as rejection, how do I explain things I don't like and make suggestions as to things that might encourage the goldfish?

Anonymous said...

Lestrade, it's hard not to jump in and answer the questions addressed to you sometimes ^^;

(wishing you all the best, on the real life front)
Anon from Paris

Small Hobbit said...

Parisian Anon, I'm quite happy to throw my questions open to anyone who wants to respond.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous insults should be ignored.

Greg Lestrade said...

I thought you might say that. So, when you say 'being with', do you mean...just being with, or do you mean...being intimate with? I mean, it's a hard situation knowing your partner thinks about being with anyone but you, I know.

Anonymous said...

being intimate with is what he seems to mean, I think he thinks he's missing something!

Even more anon than normal

Greg Lestrade said...

Thought I'd do a question, now Sherlock's settled.

I have a question: Is sexuality fixed (gay, straight, bi), or is it more a spectrum that a person might move along during a lifetime?

I'd say that you couldn't give one answer for everyone. I mean, I've always been gay. Doesn't mean I've never wondered about women, but I've never personally been sexually attracted to a woman. But for lots of people I'd say it moves a bit.

But I expect a lot of people will never feel an attraction strongly enough to act on it. Just like, when you're in a relationship, you might meet someone who you could imagine you might ask out, if you were both single - but you don't, because you're with someone. Happily most of us aren't slaves to our sex drive.

So I suppose I'd say that I don't think it's fixed, but nor do I think it has to move. And anyone can sit anywhere on that spectrum at any time of their life. Or off the spectrum entirely, and not be attracted to anyone.

And there's also a sort of spectrum, if you like, of how attracted you are to anyone, from really not liking them, to being friends, to a bit of romance, and then a desire to have sex.

So, yeah, you can be anywhere, on either spectrum, with any person, at any time. And all sorts of things could influence whether you change or not.

Anonymous said...

Thank you!

Nice to think there's hope for me. (I've never been attracted enough to anyone at all to act yet.)

Greg Lestrade said...

Even if you are, one day, I'm afraid it's still terrifying trying to work out if they might be attracted back, and there's not much you can do about that.

Greg Lestrade said...

But I should add, if you try you may succeed. If you don't, you won't.

I would probably have been too scared to ask John out, if Mrs Hudson hadn't bullied me into it :)

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