I've caught John pretending to ride a motorbike at least once. He isn't doing sound effects though. Yet.
I'm okay. Was a bit down earlier. Think it's a combination of yesterday, and being on my own, and finishing all the painting, and Nicky calling. Feel better now I've been out with John and Sherlock's talking non-stop whilst letting the degus have a bath.
I get a bit...stuck. I expect everyone does. Get emotional, get angry. Hate that I'm angry, try and stop it. Get emotional again. A very well established 'thing' in my life is that doing something 'wrong' equals physical punishment. So then I go for a stupidly long run or something to make myself hurt. Which works very well, until someone questions it...rinse and repeat.
I've tried to weed out and save the questions from the other day - thought I'd try and answer some more here. I will try and get around to them. And there's one I know of that I still haven't answered from last time, too.
I hope you'll forgive me if I sort of mash a few I think go together up.
I need to phrase this carefully to stay family-friendly. On the one hand, anything non-harming between consenting adults should be fine. On the other hand, there are some practices that to me seem to devalue and or dehumanize one of the partners, and I can't think that that is fine at all. So I guess my question is one of limits and if it's ever right to condemn what other people consent to.
I think, for me, you've answered the question in the last line. If they've consented - of their own free will - then no, you shouldn't condemn it. I mean, you're free to think to yourself that it isn't right. No one can force you to think any differently. But it's not your place to police other people's likes and dislikes, if they're fully consenting and understand what it is they consent to, and are in a fit state of mind to do so. The vast majority of people who engage in the more extreme practices are incredibly careful, and probably in some of the closest and most trusting relationships - whether that be sexual relationship or non-sexual. There are safewords, safe-signals, boundaries that are pre-set and a lot of planning and preparation. I hope that answers you? Feel free to ask further, if not.
Now I'm sticking three together:
As a matter of fact... This gives me an idea for a question! Lestrade, if you fancy a bloke (or girl, in my case), how do you break the question of 'is he even interested in people of the same sex'?
If you're super wary of having sex/asexual, when do you bring that up to a potential new partner? The first date seems a bit TMI, but if you let it go too long, there's the chance of leading your partner on...
given my partner doesn't pick up on body language and views comments as rejection, how do I explain things I don't like and make suggestions as to things that might encourage the goldfish?
First part - it's difficult! It depends a lot on the scenario you meet them in. Sometimes there'll be a subtle way you can ask - a friend or something, who you trust and who you know won't spread it around that you asked. The setting can help, obviously, for you to either gauge their possible tastes, or at least try to establish what you think their reaction might be to such a question. And then...just ask! I'd go for the confident, straightforward approach, with a compliment thrown in :) "I find you very attractive, and was wondering if you'd like to meet up for a date/coffee/whatever sometime? No worries if you're not interested." sort of thing.
Second question - I'd say that also depends on the set-up. I mean, if you know it's a date, and you're sure the other person knows it's a date, and you're both getting on really well, then I suppose it's, at first, hoping there's a way to get it into the conversation. And if not, then again, simple, straightforward. "I don't want to seem as if I'm jumping ahead here, but I think it's important to be honest with people, and I want you to know that I've never done this before/dated before/I'm rather nervous about possibly starting a sexual relationship/I think I may be asexual, and I wanted to make sure you understand this/what this means before we go any further/get too involved." I really think most people would rather know early on - and it is just a conversation. You're not forcing them to suddenly commit to them for life or anything - quite the opposite. But it really depends on how much you trust the person, how serious you think it might get how soon. I would say it's a conversation you have as soon as your level of trust in that person is such that you don't think they're going to react in a bad way (such as telling all their mates, or making fun of you or something.)
As anecdotal evidence to both of the above...I've asked a bloke in a bar if I can buy him a drink and been punched in the face for it...And I've 'met' a guy whose first words to me (in a very noisy club) were 'I don't take it up the arse, if you're okay with that you want to come back to mine?'... it takes all sorts! (I didn't go back to his - he wasn't my type. but I didn't mind him asking. Was pretty flattering!)
And lastly. Goldfish. My instinctive answer to that is that you need to have a talk to your partner that saying what you dislike isn't rejection - and them saying what they dislike isn't rejecting you either. In fact, try to establish something they don't like, take it on board, show them that it's fine not to like some things. Use the sandwich approach...tell them something you like, something you don't, something else you like - so hopefully they don't feel as if you're rejecting them in any way. Explain that you'd hate them to feel bad about doing something you didn't like for ages before you plucked up the courage to say you didn't like it, and that you would hate to do something to them and not have them be comfortable saying the same. I really think you need to establish that two-way street.
And, purely from my personal experience, I would worry about being with someone who didn't want to take on board my personal dislikes and views. I'm saying that as someone who's been on the very worst end of that, and I don't want to sound dramatic, but I wouldn't be comfortable now with anyone who made me feel bad about not liking something. I'm not saying you're in that same scenario, I'm just saying there's a fine line. And if you saying something upsets someone, you're less likely to say it. That isn't okay. You have the right to say what you like and don't like without any guilt trips or worries. A partnership should be equal.
And just as an endnote, thought I'd link to this. Remembering an incredibly brave officer, who made the ultimate sacrifice. 37 years on.