2 March 2012

Cause when I've learned enough to really live I'll be old enough to die

Sherlock's dancing around the flat because it's Friday and he's all excited about amphibians.


I've caught John pretending to ride a motorbike at least once. He isn't doing sound effects though. Yet.

I'm okay. Was a bit down earlier. Think it's a combination of yesterday, and being on my own, and finishing all the painting, and Nicky calling. Feel better now I've been out with John and Sherlock's talking non-stop whilst letting the degus have a bath. 

I get a bit...stuck. I expect everyone does. Get emotional, get angry. Hate that I'm angry, try and stop it. Get emotional again. A very well established 'thing' in my life is that doing something 'wrong' equals physical punishment. So then I go for a stupidly long run or something to make myself hurt. Which works very well, until someone questions it...rinse and repeat.


I've tried to weed out and save the questions from the other day - thought I'd try and answer some more here. I will try and get around to them. And there's one I know of that I still haven't answered from last time, too.


I hope you'll forgive me if I sort of mash a few I think go together up.



First:


I need to phrase this carefully to stay family-friendly. On the one hand, anything non-harming between consenting adults should be fine. On the other hand, there are some practices that to me seem to devalue and or dehumanize one of the partners, and I can't think that that is fine at all. So I guess my question is one of limits and if it's ever right to condemn what other people consent to. 

I think, for me, you've answered the question in the last line. If they've consented - of their own free will - then no, you shouldn't condemn it. I mean, you're free to think to yourself that it isn't right. No one can force you to think any differently. But it's not your place to police other people's likes and dislikes, if they're fully consenting and understand what it is they consent to, and are in a fit state of mind to do so. The vast majority of people who engage in the more extreme practices are incredibly careful, and probably in some of the closest and most trusting relationships - whether that be sexual relationship or non-sexual. There are safewords, safe-signals, boundaries that are pre-set and a lot of planning and preparation. I hope that answers you? Feel free to ask further, if not.

Now I'm sticking three together:
 
As a matter of fact... This gives me an idea for a question! Lestrade, if you fancy a bloke (or girl, in my case), how do you break the question of 'is he even interested in people of the same sex'?

If you're super wary of having sex/asexual, when do you bring that up to a potential new partner? The first date seems a bit TMI, but if you let it go too long, there's the chance of leading your partner on...

given my partner doesn't pick up on body language and views comments as rejection, how do I explain things I don't like and make suggestions as to things that might encourage the goldfish?

First part - it's difficult! It depends a lot on the scenario you meet them in. Sometimes there'll be a subtle way you can ask - a friend or something, who you trust and who you know won't spread it around that you asked. The setting can help, obviously, for you to either gauge their possible tastes, or at least try to establish what you think their reaction might be to such a question. And then...just ask! I'd go for the confident, straightforward approach, with a compliment thrown in :) "I find you very attractive, and was wondering if you'd like to meet up for a date/coffee/whatever sometime? No worries if you're not interested." sort of thing.

Second question - I'd say that also depends on the set-up. I mean, if you know it's a date, and you're sure the other person knows it's a date, and you're both getting on really well, then I suppose it's, at first, hoping there's a way to get it into the conversation. And if not, then again, simple, straightforward. "I don't want to seem as if I'm jumping ahead here, but I think it's important to be honest with people, and I want you to know that I've never done this before/dated before/I'm rather nervous about possibly starting a sexual relationship/I think I may be asexual, and I wanted to make sure you understand this/what this means before we go any further/get too involved." I really think most people would rather know early on - and it is just a conversation. You're not forcing them to suddenly commit to them for life or anything - quite the opposite. But it really depends on how much you trust the person, how serious you think it might get how soon. I would say it's a conversation you have as soon as your level of trust in that person is such that you don't think they're going to react in a bad way (such as telling all their mates, or making fun of you or something.)

As anecdotal evidence to both of the above...I've asked a bloke in a bar if I can buy him a drink and been punched in the face for it...And I've 'met' a guy whose first words to me (in a very noisy club) were 'I don't take it up the arse, if you're okay with that you want to come back to mine?'... it takes all sorts! (I didn't go back to his - he wasn't my type. but I didn't mind him asking. Was pretty flattering!)

And lastly. Goldfish. My instinctive answer to that is that you need to have a talk to your partner that saying what you dislike isn't rejection - and them saying what they dislike isn't rejecting you either. In fact, try to establish something they don't like, take it on board, show them that it's fine not to like some things. Use the sandwich approach...tell them something you like, something you don't, something else you like - so hopefully they don't feel as if you're rejecting them in any way. Explain that you'd hate them to feel bad about doing something you didn't like for ages before you plucked up the courage to say you didn't like it, and that you would hate to do something to them and not have them be comfortable saying the same. I really think you need to establish that two-way street.

And, purely from my personal experience,  I would worry about being with someone who didn't want to take on board my personal dislikes and views. I'm saying that as someone who's been on the very worst end of that, and I don't want to sound dramatic, but I wouldn't be comfortable now with anyone who made me feel bad about not liking something. I'm not saying you're in that same scenario, I'm just saying there's a fine line. And if you saying something upsets someone, you're less likely to say it. That isn't okay. You have the right to say what you like and don't like without any guilt trips or worries. A partnership should be equal.


And just as an endnote, thought I'd link to this. Remembering an incredibly brave officer, who made the ultimate sacrifice. 37 years on.

126 comments:

Anonymous said...

My word you really are going to make the world a happier and safer place for everyone all by yourself Lestrade.

Can't believe you would take so much time and thought in answer such difficult questions for internet buddies.

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Right now, it's far easier to think about problems like that, really.

And...it would make me feel very happy if I did manage to make anywhere a little happier or a little safer.

You made me smile earlier, when you told me not to put myself down when John got back and I'd finished the painting. Because I would have, and I didn't. And for you to pre-empt that, it just...it helped. You made my world happier, too. :)

Anonymous said...

Mine was one of those questions--it did answer me, thanks! And I think you can take credit for making the world both a bit happier and safer.

Anonymous said...

I knew you would have so glad I was able to stop you :-)

What's the next plan? you redecorating another room or has Sherlock not managed to persuade you it's his rooms turn yet? ;-)

Anony

REReader said...

Ha, excellent job, Anony! :)


Which works very well, until someone questions it...

Right, this is good to tell us. Thank you. And yes, I get stuck in negative emotional loops, and it does seem to be a common thing--definitely not just you, just...human. Very glad you're feeling a bit better now.

And I agree that you are making the world happier and safer with these Q&As. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

Which works very well, until someone questions it...

Right, this is good to tell us. Thank you.


It's a difficult one. But...generally you can probably leave it up to John to question it. I mean, I am aware it's not always healthy, but he's right here, and he can assess that. But just...doubting my ability to look after myself at all makes me feel worse, yeah.

REReader said...

So I won't.

(I come from a tradition where fussing=love, even when it's annoying. So it's good to know that that's not how it comes across.)

Anonymous said...

the whole fussing=love thing is a difficult balance isn't it?

some people thing fussing=your not capable of making decisions for yourself, which I don't think is ever what people are intending but intention and outcome aren't always the same thing sadly.

Anony

REReader said...

You really are a lovely person, Anony. :)

(I'm not annoyed or anything--I really am glad to know. I'm VERY glad you spoke up, L.)

Piplover said...

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, L. I know it can be hard to get out of those mental loops.

Thank you for taking the time to answer the questions. I have to say, even though I know it's all right, it's nice to hear someone else say it's all right to tell someone if you have any hangups about sex.

Because of some previous experiences, which I think I over shared a bit ago, lol, I do have hangups, and it's hard to figure out when it is all right to bring them up. I think your advise makes a lot of sense, and it makes me feel better about when to bring it up, should I date again.

Anon Without A Name said...

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now, Lestrade. As self-flagellation goes, running till it hurts is perhaps healthier than some of the alternatives. Very glad, though, that you have John there to give you a nudge when you need it.

I managed to write "self-flagellation goers" originally...

Speaking to Nicky doesn't usually bring you down?

Thanks for the link. Incredible bravery.

Greg Lestrade said...

I suppose it depends what side you're on, and how people react. In my family there wasn't much fussing, but when there was, and it got annoying, you were left in no doubt that you'd annoyed the person, so you stopped.

I'm guessing your annoyance is rather less obvious.

Greg Lestrade said...

Running/exercise seemed a far more sensible route, now I'm old and supposed to me responsible. When I was younger I'd go out and get into trouble instead. Not really becoming of a bloke my age, though, going to a dodgy bar and picking a fight :)

Nicky, as previously discussed, was being far, far too nice, that's all.

REReader said...

Well. I don't know how people in your family express annoyance (as opposed to real anger), so I can't say. Does shouting "NO NO NO I'M FINE PLEASE DON'T DO THAT" qualify as "less obvious"? Because that just gets me ignored. Up to a point, fussing=love, non-fussing=Not Love, and that's the end of it, no matter how the recipient actually feels about it.

As you know, you live with something, you get used to it, and you get to thinking it's universal and/or normal.

Anonymous said...

Even having your own doctor at home doesn't make fighting a good idea L you are right to stick to the running. There is nothing like exercise to clear the head, a good long swim can brighten even my darkest day :-)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah, yeah, there wasn't really a stage between fine and anger, not when I was growing up. The cause was annoyance, the result was anger.

But yeah, you're completely right, you do get used to whatever you grow up with.

Anon Without A Name said...

It's not just that it's unbecoming (although it is :-p), it's also rather more self-destructive. At least the running has primarily positive benefits. And of course, the running is entirely within your control; no guarantee some random bloke in a pub is going to stop hitting when you've had enough...

I think Nicky's allowed :-p How is she? How's the family?

Small Hobbit said...

L - thank you so much for taking the time to answer all these questions. Your suggestion about the "sandwich" approach is very helpful and I shall try it.

You have the right to say what you like and don't like without any guilt trips or worries. A partnership should be equal. Unfortunately it's not and never will be. And it raises all sorts of questions that there are no easy answers to. Which is why it's taken me so long to write very little. Except I do appreciate your answer greatly.

REReader said...

I'll work on delinking this set, anyway!

REReader said...

Shabbat shalom, all! Wishing you a peaceful Saturday in every important and unimportant way...

REReader said...

(Set of behaviors. )

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - I think it was the lack of control I quite liked. But it was horribly destructive, and really just a way of me continuing a way of life I'd grown up with, despite thinking I'd get away from all that. But it takes more sense and self awareness than I had at the time to see that.

Nicky's fine. Trying to cheer me up, telling me about Rach and keeping me up to date with the kids. That sort of thing. Family's okay. She's trying to get me to go and see Mum when we go to see Rach. Which I might do, if Nicky can entertain John and the boys for half a day.

SH - Yeah, I know exactly what it's like to have questions, or situations, where there are no easy answers. Anything I can do, just say.

John H. D. Watson said...

if Nicky can entertain John and the boys for half a day.

I'll go with you if you like, if that would make it easier - or not, whatever you want really - if you do decide to go.

Greg Lestrade said...

I honestly don't know. Still not sure how I feel about going to see her at all, really.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, I can understand that.

Anon Without A Name said...

Well, you know, there's safer ways to give up control than to hand it to a random beered-up stranger :-p But yeah, I get what you mean; there's something quite cathartic about just giving it all up, letting go, taking what comes as it comes (not that I was in the habit of getting into bar brawls, you understand; but self-destructive habits and not understanding why... yeah).

Glad to hear Nicky et al are good.

I'm sure you could guess what I'd say about seeing your Mum, so I won't :-)

John - you're pretending to ride a bike *without* the bike noises? For shame!

John H. D. Watson said...

I was just...practising. Silently.

Greg Lestrade said...

He was very serious! throttle, brake, clutch, gear, lifesaver look, pull away, throttle, clutch, gear.... I was impressed!

Don't think the sofa is that roadworthy, but still.

Nameless - I..don't, actually. What would you say? I'm completely torn. I don't want to be on bad terms with her, but nor do I want to go there with my hackles up and make it worse if she says something else.

Anon Without A Name said...

I would say... she's doing nothing to deserve your time, your attention, or your guilt. She's doing nothing to deserve being on good terms. She's your Mum, yes, but there comes a time (IMHO) when just being a blood relative isn't enough. It sounds very much as if you've done more for her over the last 46 years than she's done for you; as X, I think, said a while ago, you've been the parent in that relationship for a very long time.

But then, I can be a bit, I dunno, cold? about things like that. I just don't think anyone gets (or should get) a free pass, life's too short to waste it on people who only ever make you feel bad. You have a family: you live with most of them. Love's thicker than blood.

Anon Without A Name said...

God, that was a bit much, wasn't it? Sorry.

Greg Lestrade said...

No, no, it was...refreshing to hear.

I think I mainly feel bad that it's not just between me and her. It's Nicky as well. Every time I talk to her she says Mum says I haven't called, all that sort of thing.

And I know she could call me - I know that doesn't make it my fault, but Nicky's the one in the middle.

And if I just went and...talked to her, told her how I feel about it, then maybe she'd get the message.

But I'm worried it wouldn't go like that, we'd end up yelling at each other and it would be even worse for Nicky than before.

Anonymous said...

You don't want to be on bad terms with her because you don't like being on bad terms with anyone but you need to think of yourself and whats best for you and your family (you john and the boys).

Do you feel more stressed at even the idea of seeing her than you did before it came up? If the answer is yes then don't do it you have a famiy who love you and you don't need the stress. If the answer is 'I feel nervous but not stressed about it' then give her a chance.

If you decided to see her I would take up John's offer and get him to go with you. 'Support in everything' and all that.

Anony

Small Hobbit said...

What Nameless said. Of course you don't want to be on bad terms with your Mum, but it doesn't sound like she's making the attempt to meet half way and without that it sounds like you'll come away feeling worse than you when you went.

And thanks for your kind words. I'm probably doing your favourite trick and thinking too much at the moment.

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - Thinking too much is a very hard habit to break.

I suppose I need to phone her. Establish some ground rules, maybe, before visiting. If I visit.

It's such a mess. I do know I don't owe her anything just because we're family - but...yeah, I don't want to be on bad terms with her. And I don't know if I make too many excuses for her. Probably.

Anonymous said...

A phone call will probably answer your question for you. If you can't talk reasonably on the phone when you can just put it down then visiting would not be a good thing. If you can have a conversation without wanting to put the phone down then there's a good chance it'll be a good idea.

Families are the hardest thing to deal with my husband hasn't seen his parents in months and is a lot happier for it not that it doesn't always exist as a thing he's desparate to fix he's just kind of resigned himself to the fact he can't.

Anony

Anonymous said...

Greg - You should probably also have a word with Nicky. She means well, but it's not fair to either of you to play messenger. (No offense at all intended to both of you; God knows that I've played messenger for far too long in my parents' lives.) The children can't be doing all the work of raising the parent(s).

Maybe, if you do visit, have Nicky call you or John at a certain time (maybe 30 minutes?). That way, you have a way to touch base with John and an 'out' of the visit if you need it.

Again, no offense meant/intended, and apologies if I have crossed a line...

~A from NW

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah. We did manage to have a civilized conversation at Christmas. So I'd hope we could.

Last time she saw us she said how much I looked like my Dad - which is true, and bloody scary to see looking back at me in the mirror of a morning - and I'm worried she doesn't want to call because she thinks I'm like him in other ways, too, because I do tend to lose my temper with her more than anyone else.

But for all I know that's not what she thinks at all. Maybe she just feels too awkward calling me because she knows she was in the wrong and is as stubborn as I am.

Anon Without A Name said...

I wonder if you're actually *more* worried about Nicky than about you and your Mum?

maybe she'd get the message.

Is that what you think would happen?

I dunno, you spoke to her before Christmas, it was awful. You spoke to her at Christmas, it was OK. Maybe if you do tell her straight, set some ground rules and stick to them, maybe that will help...

But I wouldn't blame you if you just walk away, and help Nicky find deflection/avoidance techniques to help her not get caught on the receiving end of the fallout. You're all adults now, you don't have to take the abuse to protect Nicky, and Nicky doesn't have to take the abuse when you're not there; there are better ways.

Anonymous said...

What you look like isn't down to you and it doesn't make you someone you don't want to be, scary thing to see though I'm sure.

Whatever excuses you make for your mum, she's an adult too and should be the parent in the situation not you.

I don't believe you ever really lose your temper with her and don't let your mind put you in the same bracket as your dad ever cos thats rubbish!!

You sound stressed by it so maybe I should refer you back to my previous comment, is the stress really worth it?

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Quite possibly more worried about Nicky, yeah.

Greg Lestrade said...

No ,probably not. but the thought of not doing anything isn't really much less stressful than the thought of doing something, if you get me? Because not doing anything means there's no resolution. And the whole Bryan thing did at least teach me that resolution is a good thing for the mind, in the end, even if getting there is stressful.

Anonymous said...

Phone call it is then. Safest way to make the first step :-)

Just make sure you know what you want to say and try not to have any expectations of what she will say. The second bits the hard bit sorry.

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, don't worry, I haven't got a clue what she'll say.

Piplover said...

Family is a tricky business. My father and I have always had a fractuouse relationship, but now that he's moved to the other side of the country (seriously, I live in Washington state, he lives in Florida) we get along much better.

Sometimes you just don't get along with blood. The people we grow up with, the ones who know all our weak moments, they know what buttons to push, so it's very easy to go from, "Hi, how are you?" to "Leave me alone, I hate you!"

I agree with Anony that a phone call is the safest bet. Set some ground rules before you visit, if you visit, not only with your mum but with your sister.

My family has found that if I'm the only one who talks to my dad and his side of the family there is peace and harmony. If the others try to get involved, that's when screaming and figurative hair pulling comes into it. Maybe it's similar with you?

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, L what would your team do without van Persie?

Lancs. Anon

Anonymous said...

The world be a worse place without Van Persie for more reasons than his football abilities ;-)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Errr...we'd be in a bit of bother, that's for sure.

I think Liverpool would be top of the table if they got the ball in the net as much as they hit the woodwork - every match they seem to put the ball on every bit of the goal except the big space in the middle.

REReader said...

For what it's worth, and rather late to the table...

I don't want to be on bad terms with her

You said that twice, so my guess is you're going to go see her, because it sounds like you feel you need to. But...can I suggest you wait until the idea sits comfortably in your head? You don't have to see her when you go see Rach this time, it can be whenever you feel in-your-gut ready for it. (And I agree that some phone calls first is probably a good idea.)

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, you're right, I will probably see her, depending how the phonecall goes.

I think, despite knowing that John and the boys are my family, I've still got that fear or losing everything again, and really, Nicky and Mum are the only people who've ever been constant in my life. I don't want to lose either of them. I don't see my dad, don't see my brothers, see Rach once in a blue moon.

I'll talk to Nicky about it all first though. And John.

REReader said...

I can certainly understand that.

And good plan.

Desert Wanderer said...

Lestrade, why is your blog's time all jacked up and it still has nested comments but Doc's isn't and doesn't?

Greg Lestrade said...

It's just so stupid, too.

Her main problem is that John is 'too good' for me. It doesn't even concern her! It's not as if I'd go running to cry on her shoulder if it did all go wrong between us.

It's a ridiculous thing to fall out over, after everything we've been through.

Greg Lestrade said...

You're asking the wrong bloke, DW. What I know about how this blog works could fit on a gnat's chuff. I shall consult the good Doc - or Mycroft - in the morning, see if they gave an answer.

REReader said...

It's good that you realize it's stupid. It is stupid. And untrue. And, as you say, none of her concern.

If you feel you need to reconnect with her, you should reconnect with her.

But in your own time, and on condition that she doesn't go there again.

Desert Wanderer said...

She sounds petty and mean-spirited, Lestrade. What does she know about you, John, or you and John? Not much. And the people who do know (your sister, Mrs. H, Mrs. H, Anthea, Mycroft, Sherlock, John) don't think anything of the sort. So then, you ask yourself, how much of your spirit are you willing to give her? The answer is clearly at least a bit, because you're the kind of person who wants to help everyone and can't not help (see how your first response to the stickbug was "Can't stop myself wanting to help that stick insect. It looks so awkward.") but not so much you do damage to people you care about.

It's a fine line you've walked before, only now there are more (and more complicated) variables. Instead of just the three of you, now you've got Doc and the boys to think of. You've figured it out before, and you'll do it again. The only advice I can give is to sit in a dark, quiet place (or snuggle with Doc with your eyes closed), take three slow, deep breaths and then ask yourself "What do I want to do?" The answer that comes immediately to your mind will be the right one. Have faith in yourself; we do.

Desert Wanderer said...

A gnat's what? I thought chuff was pleased?

John H. D. Watson said...

Because I finally worked out how to turn off threaded comments, and it fixed the time too. No idea why.

John H. D. Watson said...

I didn't know that was why she's been like this. I'm sorry.

REReader said...

That's got to be some interesting coding in there, to link the two things somehow!

REReader said...

Not your fault, John. Not L's fault either.

Greg Lestrade said...

Definitely not anyone's fault. And yeah, not her business.

REReader said...

Got that right.

Good morning!

Anonymous said...

She what!! How can anyone think that someone is too good for their child? That is completely the wrong way round!

You're too good for her and deserve better than that.

(I know you need to speak to her and see her and try and sort it but you're a better man than me for even considering it!)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah...well, tells you everything you need to know about her taste in men that she liked my ex, because he could turn the charm on and off like a tap, when he was a total bastard - and then worry about me being with John, because she found out he was a doctor, and immediately decided he'd get bored with me and move on to someone 'more his class'.

In her defence, she doesn't know what happened between me and Bryan, and she doesn't want me ending up like her - sad and alone. She just doesn't do a good job of showing it. And she's only spent a few hours with John and the boys. If she's reasonable about this, I would like her to get to know them a bit better, so she can see how brilliant they are.

Anonymous said...

Charming has an amazing effect on some people but my god 'more his class' she's nuts if you don't mind me saying so (she's nuts if you do but you know what I mean)

She'll be a very lucky lady if you let her get to know John and the boys but be careful what she says to you around them won't you, it'll make Sherlock quite cross to hear people talk badly to you.

(I'm not going to say stop making excuses for her again you can take it as read from here)

Anony

Anon Without A Name said...

DW - "Chuffed" is pleased. "Chuff chuff" is a train. "Chuff" is ladyparts.

We do it deliberately, you know, to confuse foreigners ;-p

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, she is nuts, yes.

And Sherlock doesn't like her. And let her know it. Maybe I should take him with me to see her, in fact - it's all water off a duck's back to him. Last time he told her John was nice, Bryan was a wanker, defended both John and I, ate all her chocolate biscuits and stole a photo she had of my wedding and ...either buried it or burnt it. Or both. Anyway, destroyed it.

Of course, that just made her think John was a terrible Nanny... but by that point I don't think anyone cared what she thought. :)

REReader said...

He does manage to get his point across... :D

Anon Without A Name said...

Thing is, Lestrade, you're still trying to be the adult in a relationship where the other person doesn't appear to give a stuff about being an adult.

I think Sherlock has just the right approach to life - unvarnished truth and scoff all the chocolate biscuits :-)

Anonymous said...

Sherlock you are amazing well done you :-)

Does she not think a terrible nanny is 'more your class' ;-)

You should try to maintain the not caring what she thinks because those who are important love you for being exactly who you are :-)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - Yeah. True. Those are the roles we've taken. At least...well, with having you lot all give me advice, I feel like I go into it now with a better understanding of where I stand, and since splitting with Bry and getting together with John, a far better sense of self worth.

Anony - Yeah, probably. At least we can be terrible at our jobs together. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

Oh, and John showed me how to fix the comment time thing. So...no more being able to reply to individual comments, but they have the right timestamp. I hope you all think that's better? Tell us if by doing that we've broken some other feature...

REReader said...

(Keep that last up and Sherlock will be cross with you. :))

REReader said...

(Last but one... *sigh*)

Greg Lestrade said...

The terrible at our jobs thing? Well I'm not exactly about to admit my current situation to her, put it that way.

REReader said...

Yeah, that's what I meant--and no, no point in that.

Anonymous said...

I'm taking your terrible comment as simply an indication of your better sense of self worth in that you can make jokes about yourself, I feel no need to tell you that you are in no way terrible at your job and neither is John so I'm not going to say it. ;-)

Anony

Greg Lestrade said...

Anony - you can certainly be sure I'd never think John was terrible at his job! So yeah, you took that right :)

REReader said...

So what are you three doing this afternoon?

And you said something about the stairs needing some work--are you going to start on that tomorrow?

Greg Lestrade said...

recovering from eating too much lunch? I don't know. It's cold and pouring with rain.

I haven't consulted with John Hamish on the stairway yet. Or Mrs Hudson - because if I did the top bit, I may as well do the bottom flight too. So I don't know.

REReader said...

Oh, and if you're in the mood for some baking--this Thursday is the Jewish holiday of Purim (it's another they-tried-to-kill-us-they-failed-let's-eat holiday, this one from the Book of Esther), so you might like to try hamantaschen! My mom and I always bake those the Sunday before Purim. They're basically cookie dough (biscuit dough, I guess?) rolled out and cut in circles, a dollop of filling placed in the center, and then the sides pinched up so you have a triangle shape. (I can provide a recipe if desired . :))

Anonymous said...

If you do do stairs use some good ladders will you please. We could all do without tomorrows post being by Mrs Hudson

'John I've just found Greg in a pile at the bottom of the stairs covered in a can of dark seduction'

Anony

REReader said...

cold and pouring with rain

...if baking doesn't appeal, didn't someone suggest the planetarium? Thst's indoors.

Anon Without A Name said...

I'd starting liking the nested comments, but I like the right timestamps even more (it's amazing how easily I get confused by trying to do simple maths to work out the correct time. I can do maths, honestly).

I feel like I go into it now with a better understanding of where I stand, and since splitting with Bry and getting together with John, a far better sense of self worth

This is brilliant - especially that last bit :-) Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

There's rugby on the telly later on?

Desert Wanderer said...

"covered in a can of dark seduction" Anony? How would you tell? Seems like it would blend in, no?

John H. D. Watson said...

Mrs H is liable to cover him in dark seduction at any given moment anyway, if she gets her way...

L - http://www.kimolos-island.com/kimolos_photos.asp ?

And there's an island nearby that has catacombs.

Greg Lestrade said...

You can all hush about dark seduction. And I promise I'll do my best not to end up in a heap at anyone's feet apart from John's.

That looks really nice, John. And quiet.

RR - baking is a possibility, once I've tidied the kitchen. Anywhere indoors - museums, planitarium, tends to be packed out on rainy days. And it would seem unfair to go without Mycroft, as he's the one really mad on stargazing.

REReader said...

John, that looks amazing!!

L, let me know if you want my mom's hamantaschen recipe. (Her dough needs to chill overnight, so you might not, but I think I have it on my computer so it would be no trouble. And unlike most I've tasted, they come out delicious!)

Anon Without A Name said...

That island looks gorgeous, John. The Greek islands are lovely, generally, if you avoid the big holiday resorts that attract the eurotrash crowd. Very friendly, welcoming people in my experience - and everywhere is extremely family friendly, they love kids. The plumbing leaves a little to be desired, mind, but you can't have everything :-)

(You probably know all of that already)

Desert Wanderer said...

" You can all hush about dark seduction."

Can. Won't.

Small Hobbit said...

Much better with proper times. And being able to reply to individual comments was okay, but I didn't always spot them.

Wouldn't mind being on that island right now - it's cold and miserable but not actually raining just at the moment. Anyone had any snow?

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - liking kids is excellent. Any idea how two blokes with kids will go over?

Cheers, RR. Will do.

Anonymous said...

I should apologise about the dark seduction thing, but you may notice that I don't ;-)

Anony

REReader said...

I found the recipe, and it just says chill for a few hours, so it's doable in one day.

And here's a photo of what my mother and I baked last year: http://i461.photobucket.com/albums/qq340/rereader3/hamantashen_2010-1.jpg

:)

Anonymous said...

RR they look lovely well done you and your mam

Anony

REReader said...

Thanks, Anony! We've been doing it every year since I can remember, and we have it down to a science--she does the rolling and cutting, I do the filling and shaping. Like a little assembly line. :)

Alas, for the first time in well over 40 years we can't make them. :(

(Our oven is broken--It turns on, but the thermostat is busted so it doesn't turn off when it's the right temperature and everything burns. We're trying to get a new part, but it's an old stove and they don't make parts for it any more, so we may end up having to get a whole new stove.)

Greg Lestrade said...

Can't you make them all and get them to a neighbour to cook? Or just make them at a neighbour's/friend's house?

REReader said...

Well, it takes several hours, pulling cookie sheets in and out, plus the space to roll, fill, glaze, and cool. It means taking over someone else's kitchen and likely dining room (given the size of New York kitchens) and also using their refrigerator, since the dough has to stay chilled or it can't be rolled out--and on the Sunday before Purim, when most people are doing their own baking.

I did suggest taking the show over to my sister's house in NJ and joining forces, which would have been a lot of fun, but my mom vetoed it. :(

REReader said...

(However, we will be going to my sister for the Purim se'udah--holiday meal--so I'll get to eat hamantaschen made from the same recipe, anyway!)

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your stove RR it's not nice when broken equipment gets in the way of happy family traditions.

Hope the ones you get to eat taste as good as those in the picture look even if you don't get to make them yourself.

Anony

REReader said...

Yeah.

They'll be good! My sister is a very good cook. (Even though she goes non-traditional and includes chocolate-filled hamantaschen. :))

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah. At least you get to eat them.

You didn't feel like/couldn't go and make them with your sister, could you? I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't be the same as making them with your mum, but it'd be something?

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade - oh, god, sorry, how unthinking of me. Straight privilege all over the place, me :-(

TBH, I'm not sure. Greece is still in many ways a very traditional culture heavily influenced by the church (a bit like Italy, I imagine, only with the Orthodox Christian church rather than Catholicism). Gay marriage isn't legal, although there are test cases currently challenging that ruling.

There are certainly plenty of gay-friendly hotels/resorts, especially in Mykonos and Lesbos, but I don't know how family-friendly they'd be (or how peaceful and quiet).

My experience has tended to be that in a holiday resort - especially in the quieter ones - people are friendly and welcoming, looking to make a living, and not looking to get overly upset about stuff. Public snogging might cause a problem, enjoying a meal in a taverna probably won't. Good parenting, delightful kids, and a bit of discretion will probably get you a long way.

But really, I'm just trying to extrapolate from what I've seen and experienced, so I might well be getting it completely wrong.

REReader said...

You didn't feel like/couldn't go and make them with your sister, could you? I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't be the same as making them with your mum, but it'd be something?

I did want to do that--but it's two hours each way by public transportation, involving two subways, the Path train, and a train train. I even considered borrowing my mother's car and attempting a solo trip (something I've never done because I can either navigate or drive but not both at once--I learned to drive way too late) but my mother needs the car to go to a wedding at 4:00 pm, and was afraid I wouldn't get back on time. (Or that I'd smash it, although she didn't say that!)

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - it's fine, really! I was just asking because it sounded like you'd been there, and would have better idea than most. Please don't worry - I wasn't trying to make a point or anything.

I'm sure Sherlock and Mycroft can charm anyone into ignoring John and I. And...I suppose wanting to go somewhere quiet works both ways. Means fewer people are there to see us/care - but also that the people who are there may potentially be more conservative/traditional, because they haven't put up with everything tourism has thrown at them.

I think ideally we'd get some sort of villa or something, somewhere we can be fairly private and not bother anyone, but close to a village/town for supplies. That way we'd hopefully get the best of both worlds.

REReader said...

That sounds perfectly lovely, L!

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - you watching the rugby too? Good game.

I caught a few highlights of the Tyne-Wear derby earlier, too. Seemed a good match, if a bit bad tempered, as expected.

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade - don't apologise! I was just frustrated with myself for being so unthinking, I know better than that. *sigh*

A villa sounds perfect. We always go ultra-cheap self-catering, but it wouldn't be so feasible with two kids, or anywhere near as cheap. A villa sounds like a much more nicer, and more cost-effective option. You'll still have to put your loo paper in a bin, though :-p

I'm watching the football - Man U taking on Spurs. Could've done with City losing yesterday, TBH. Marvelling at the short life expectancy of Chelsea manager these days, too...

(Ooh, Rooney just scored \o/)

Greg Lestrade said...

Seems like a bit of a poison chalice now, the Chelsea job. Old team, not enough money to bring in much new talent now the financial fair play rules are in place...

I'd hope a villa would give us a chance to enjoy each other, as well as the surroundings.

Danger, when are you booking it? :)

John H. D. Watson said...

Hmm. Today?

I don't know, I need to look up Mycroft's next holiday.

Greg Lestrade said...

He's back again next weekend, isn't he? Maybe we should talk about it then.

And he's got most of April off, it seems. That might be a bit soon for me to get the time. Not that I know I'll be working by then.

And then it won't be long 'til summer!

John H. D. Watson said...

Summer... When you don't get any time off, you said, because of the O word...

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah. That summer.

If you lot went in the summer you could...I don't know, ask Nicky if she and her lot wanted to go too? Take Mrs Hudson and Anthea?

I can try to stick as many days off together as possible and join you for some of it?

John H. D. Watson said...

Hmm. We'll think about it. I'm sure we can come up with something.

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm not, by the way, suggesting you couldn't manage on your own. It's just a bit more fun to have some adults to sit out on warm evenings, drinking the local brew with, that's all.

REReader said...

Does that mean you decided not to try for any of the Olympic experience?


You know, L--and please ignore me if I'm overstepping--it might be an idea to think about whether you actually want to go back to your job once this mess is cleared up. I mean, I know you identify yourself that way, and that you find it satisfying and fulfilling, and in the normal way of things one doesn't consider whether or not to change something that works. But since you've been pushed into a time out...well, there are other options. You could go private (security or detective), or Mrs Holmes might know of some options in, um, related fields, either full-time or freelance. And there are other fields altogether, of course.

REReader said...

(Not saying you shouldn't choose it, by the way--just that it might be an idea for it to be a choice.)

John H. D. Watson said...

L - I'm not, by the way, suggesting you couldn't manage on your own

I know, and I certainly wouldn't mind having them along. I just don't much like the idea of going without you.

Greg Lestrade said...

RR - you had to apply months and months ago for the chance to get tickets, and I don't think any leftovers have gone on free sale.

As for work...I can't really imagine any other options that would be better. regular security is a minimum wage job, personal security would mean I worked more, with no control over where or when. Private detectives here are one man operations who try to catch cheating spouses or find lost dogs.

And a career change at my time of life would be difficult, at best.

It's not like I haven't been in this position before - they took great pleasure in raking up me being suspended as a PC at the second interview. Was okay then - I have to believe it will be now.

REReader said...

Was okay then - I have to believe it will be now.

I do believe that. I believe you and I believe in you.

(And as I said, I wasn't you saying should choose something different.)

Greg Lestrade said...

It's not that I'd be entirely against choosing something different - if the right thing came along. But at my age, with my employment history, I think the options are very few and far between.

Small Hobbit said...

And none of the security jobs would provide you with anything like the job satisfaction that you get at the moment. And the economic situation is not good for changing employment at the moment *said with feeling*

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - Well, it'd either be the sort of public security that requires none of my skills and is low paid, or the sort of personal stuff that can be well paid...if you're willing to spend two or three months at a time bodyguarding in Iraq or Afghanistan or somewhere. Which I can't imagine John being eager for me to try. And which would take me away from him and the boys far too much. And no, little to no satisfaction in either role.

I can't even imagine what I could change to. Not many jobs require the skill set of an old rozzer :)

John H. D. Watson said...

two or three months at a time bodyguarding in Iraq or Afghanistan or somewhere. Which I can't imagine John being eager for me to try

I admit it would not be my first choice.

Greg Lestrade said...

No mine either. Not if it meant missing you and the boys.

Anonymous said...

I think the Lonely Planet guide books have a little something on how gay friendly the country is in the general info at the end, if one of you is going by a bookshop and want to give it a look (I'm sure the info is somewhere on the internet too, but I just remembered reading that on my Iceland guide)

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