13 April 2012

And I Still Believe That I Cannot Be Saved

The course today was hard. We were working with simulations - an acted out scenario on computers. We had to make choices during the action. Choices about deploying weapons, using them, orders to give, how to react to what was happening, that sort of thing.

It wasn't about being right or wrong, it was just about what we each did - how we dealt with the situation. It was fast paced, like it really would be - you had seconds to make your choices.

Homework is to write our incident reports. It's hard because you have to remember everything, remember why you did certain things, why you didn't do others. But in that way it's realistic, because you only get to live through a situation once, and then we would have to report on it.

Next week we'll all look at how we handled it, why we did different things to each other, what we'd do differently next time, all that sort of thing.

Next week we'll also be firing real guns at real targets, and doing live training scenarios, obviously not with real bullets, but acting it all out as if it is real, no more computers.

It's a scary thought, being in charge - because on the beat, it's unlikely there would anyone higher than a DI hanging around, so it really could be down to me.

Anyway, weekend now, and apart from homework, a lot of time with Mycroft, Sherlock and John. The boys are back at school next week - Mycroft will go back Sunday, Sherlock Monday. And I assume John back to work.

I realised, looking back at old entries for something, that a year ago yesterday was when I got back in touch with Bryan, to arrange the dissolution. I said it in comments, but I think it deserves to be said again - because you all played a part in it, along with John, Mycroft, Sherlock, and everyone else. In that year my life has become immeasurably better. And I couldn't have - wouldn't have - done it without your support. But mainly without John's support and patience.

I love you, John Watson.

34 comments:

pandabob said...

A hell of a day that Greg! I can understand why its been a tough day for you. It's a little unfair to leave it all hanging over weekend but I guess they know what they're doing.

As I said earlier I feel all smiley at you feeling life is so much better now that a year ago here's hoping the next year is even better :-)

You make a great set the four of you together can do anything :-)

Anonybob

Small Hobbit said...

It does sound frighteningly realistic. And since it's the weekend there's a lot of time to sit and wonder "did I do the right thing/make the right decision". Rather you than me, and really rather not you either.

But yey for the improvements made over this past year. Nice to know that the badgers have been able to play their part, although clearly John has been amazing. And, strangely enough, you've contributed a great deal yourself.

Greg Lestrade said...

The instructors did tell us at this stage it was as much learning about ourselves as them teaching us anything. Which is true. But yeah, hard to do. Anyway, I'll write up my report tonight, probably. Or at least the bones of it.

The whole sett has played a huge part :)

pandabob said...

Learning about ourselves!

Just what you need Greg ;-) I hope you get your report done quickly because Saturday has to be spent doing something crazy but fun before mycroft heads back to school doesn't it? :-)

You've done a great job getting where you've got to in just a year and you can send credit where you like but most of it is down to you.

:-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, not sure I want to know some things.

I think I was probably too slow today, but we're doing it to learn, so i'll see on Monday.

Tomorrow should definitely be spent doing fun things.

mazarin said...

Wow, that sounds incredibly intense. Those sorts of training reviews are always so hard, especially if you have to do them out where everyone can sit around and dissect your decisions. *shudder* That's so difficult.

And I'd say that while we were all here supporting you, the changes you've made have really been down to you, and to the loving support you get from your boys to help you when you need it. Honestly, it's not so much that you needed any sort of improvement as much as it seems that they've been able to help you get your faith back, your trust and ability to let people love you. Which has just been amazing to watch, honestly. And if you think you haven't been just as good for John and the boys, you need to go back and read a little more.

(Gah, sorry, sick days and fevers make me ramble. I'll hide now.)

Anon Without A Name said...

I'm going to second everything that Maz just wrote (even when ill she makes more sense than I do).

I remember reading what you were posting around the end of March and beginning of April last year, and some of the subsequent revelations; the difference between now and then is brilliant :-) I think you really need to give yourself credit for the hard work you've put in to building your self-confidence, and you need to give yourself credit for allowing John and the boys in, for trusting them to give you that support and love.

It's been really wonderful watching you grow in self-confidence, in the way you trust your own judgement much more, in the way you no longer seem to need to beat yourself up over every little thing. Thank you so much for sharing that with us <3

pandabob said...

Would it be wrong of me to be glad you were slow about it first time? Shows thought doesn't it? Instead of head long I know what I'm doing no one can teach me anything and all that.

Can I ask your help with a lyric interpretation problem? How would you explain the meaning of 'and the tigers come at night with their voices soft as thunder as they tear your hopes apart' from I dreamed a dream to a 4 year old? I've already managed 'life has killed the dreams I dreamed' but I'm stumped with this one. (and yes I know our car music is weird before anyone says so ;-) )

Anonybob

John H. D. Watson said...

L - I love you too. And you can't overlook how much of it you've done yourself. Or how much you've done for me. Thank you.

Greg Lestrade said...

I'll think on it, AnonyBob.

And thanks, everyone. I feel much better about...well, everything. I do feel like I've got confidence back. And whatever I've done, I really couldn't have done it alone.

pandabob said...

Thankyou :-)

hope you're having a good evening :-)

Desert Wanderer said...

Greg Lestrade, you're a marvel. It's a bit unfair to keep all that luck to yourself, though, don't you think? ;)

Greg Lestrade said...

I happily share any luck I have around :)

Although I have no idea why you'd think I was a marvel.

pandabob said...

If you don't know why people think your a marvel Greg you should read these blogs more carefully :-)

alongside anything you have achieved for yourself this last year you have also done a lot for the rest of us and someone who can do both so well is a marvel!!

Desert Wanderer said...

Although I have no idea why you'd think I was a marvel.

You wouldn't, would you? :)

Greg Lestrade said...

Hah, ssshhh, you'll get me all self conscious and bashful again.

There's a long way to go, for me, for some of you. But I hope that every step we take makes the remaining ones easier. And we can help each other when the going is tough.

pandabob said...

Bashful? as if!!

Life is a long journey and the more companions you can have along the way the better :-) ( I suspect I may need more input than I can give output at some point soon so here's hoping we can all get there together :-) )

Anonybob

innie said...

Wow, I left my comment on John's blog about my hopes for the best year ever before I saw this post - which only increases my wishes for you to be blissfully happy this year. You've worked so hard for it and brought us all along for the ride!

A from NW (One Month!) said...

I've been meaning to chime in all week, but I didn't want to spoil the mood, so to speak.

I went to the gun range for the first time last Sunday to learn how to safely use a weapon. I'm still sorting out how I feel about the experience. On one hand, I feel confident that I can handle a weapon safely. On the other, I'm more scared of guns than I was before. It's a mixed bag.

So Greg, I hope writing the report has put the training out of your mind for the weekend, and that you have a lovely time with John and the boys.

*hugs to those who want/need them*

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks, A and Innie.

Report probably kept me up far too late, but it's done :) and I really had to do it while Sherlock was asleep - incessant questioning and report writing don't go hand in hand.

Hopefull today will be filled with coffee, bike rides, newt-spotting and the like.

Greg Lestrade said...

Right... I'm going for West End Rocker. Sherlock is backing Shackalakaboomboom. John is Becauseicouldntsee and Mycroft Quiscover Fontaine.

Anyone else?

Ddsert Wanderer said...

Er, what?

Small Hobbit said...

No question, it has to be Organised Confusion.

Runners in the Grand National, DW.

Desert Wanderer said...

Thanks, SH. After a quick Google search, can I have The Midnight Club? I misread the jockey's name as Townshend, and you can't go wrong with The Who.

pandabob said...

I'll go for. on his own :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Isn't Ruby Walsh on The Midnight Club? Very good shout, DW. You could easily have the winner.

mazarin said...

I'll take Chicago Grey - sentimental reasons only, though! We don't do steeplechase here in the States much, and my home state is more famous for Dan Patch harness races.

Here's hoping for a winner for at least one of you!

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - bad news. Your jockey fell in an earlier race, won't be riding Midnight Club, someone else will.

Desert Wanderer said...

Alas. I have complete faith, though! In this horse I picked completely at random with no factual basis whatsoever. ;)

pandabob said...

Would I be right to assume none of us got the right horse?

Anonybob

Desert Wanderer said...

Neptune Collanges won, which none of us had. I think we can guess why you and Sherlock picked yours, Lestrade, but I'm at a loss for Doc's and Mycroft's.

(Why can't it be rainy outside when I'm stuck writing papers, instead of gorgeous and sunny like it is? Unfair.)

John H. D. Watson said...

Just liked the name. Unintended consequences, that sort of thing. I've done plenty of things because I couldn't see what lay ahead. Mycroft hasn't shared his reasoning. Maybe he knows what Quiscover Fontaine actually means, which is more than I can say.

Greg Lestrade said...

Surely the only reason for picking horses is that you like the silks or the name :)

It's still a brutal race though. Makes me slightly uneasy. 2 horses destroyed today.

Small Hobbit said...

Maybe if they cut down on the number of horses it would help.

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