12 September 2012

See the times are changing, And I'm sure of nothing that I know

I've no idea what I look like. Sitting in a pub trying to type on my phone. Like some old bloke who can't use it right probably.

Haven't been to the pub in ages. And almost never on my own, but it's not the sort of night to go and sit by the river, which is my other default destination when I don't know what to do with myself.

Sorry, John. I'm not remotely angry with you, although I suppose it seems that way. Or maybe I am, a bit, and jealous. but I'm aware it's stupid and pointless. Which makes me far more angry at myself. I know you're completely capable of taking care of yourself. I am more than aware that right now I couldn't be any help even if you did want it. Which you won't. So that leaves me with a bad mood and the only person who deserves to deal with it is myself. Which I'm probably doing a monumentally bad job of.

I keep forgetting I have to put down my phone to pick up my drink though. In Sherlock's words, 'Stupid hand'. My bike's fixed though. So might have to persuade John into picking that up for me, if he's still talking to me once I roll home.

Just having one of those days where nothing specific goes wrong, but nothing goes remotely right either. My team are virtually mutinying. Them and the rest of the force. Service, I mean. Not a force anymore, and isn't that the truth. More of a whimper than a bang these days, even with some of the genuinely good ideas and ops we do.

So I've got a team of officers who are being asked too much and can't do enough. And now we've been told that all our plans for retirement, the one light at the end of the tunnel, is being switched off.

Overheard some of them today making wild assumptions about my life, my future. I am, apparently, minted. And this won't effect me. Well, maybe they're right. Obviously I'm much better off now than I ever have been. But if there's one thing life's taught me it's not to sit back and expect everything to work out how you think. I've got a plan B now. Hell, I've got plans for most of the alphabet these days.

And now I'm going to hit post and every single paragraph I've put in this sodding update will disappear like always. Sorry. I'll go and put them back in once I'm at home. And I had a drag on a cigarette earlier, before deciding the amount of self hate that would bring later wasn't worth the very temporary pleasure. Now feeling like I may as well have hung myself for a sheep as a lamb. Can hear my mum now 'I don't know why you do these things to yourself, Greg.' Neither do I, mum. Neither do I.

Edited to add paragrahs back again.

And to say I'm happy that although it's taken far too long, the families of the Hillsborough victims have finally been apologised to, and I hope they can take some comfort in the truth coming out, although obviously it will never be enough. What a shameful episode for the police.

100 comments:

Anon Without A Name said...

I'm torn between wanting to buy you a pint, or offering you a hug, and neither are remotely helpful I know, but the thought is there.

Take care of yourself, OK?

(And ignore that voice in your head that sounds like your Mum; it's not helping)

pandabob said...

Greg hunny please don't feel bad for needing space for yourself, but try not to partake in too much of the heavy stuff. Alcohol is just like cigarettes really, short term it feels good long term not quite so much.

You're having a tough time right now and I really don't know what to say to try and make you feel better so I'm not going to bother as it will probably only be annoying.

John H. D. Watson said...

I love you. Come home when you can.

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks. Sorry. I hope you and Sherlock are having fun. I love you too.

REReader said...

I have nothing helpful to offer either, but I'm really sorry you've had all that dumped on you. It's just too much to accept with any equanimity, and you're absolutely entitled to feel generally mad/upset/frustrated/whatever-the-right-label-is at the world.

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - don't worry, only had two pints of Pride. Nothing serious.

Thanks, Nameless. RR, not mad at anyone but myself really.

pandabob said...

Thats a good drink to work with, a pint lasts long enough to think and provides a slow dose of relaxation :-)

why are you mad at yourself? (usual feel free to ignore question rule applies :-) )

(I will of course worry whether you tell me not to or not because that's just the way I am)

REReader said...

No reason to be mad at yourself--just mad generally, perhaps? (Of course, you're entitled to feel what you feel, reason or not. Feelings do not respond well to facts, do they.)

(I FULLY sympathize with being amorphously mad. Reasons shortly to be on my blog, if anyone is interested. I'm just writing up the whole *expletive deleted* mess. Messes.)

piplover said...

Sometimes the world comes crashing around us, and the only thing we can do is hide away from it for a few hours to pull ourselves back together to face it again.

I'm sorry today sucked. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself, because it sounds, from what you posted, like you just had to get away for a bit.

I hope you can get a good sleep tonight, because even if it doesn't solve the issues, it will give you strength to deal with them freshly tomorrow. Take care all of you.

Greg Lestrade said...

Probably no reasons that make any sense.

My inability to deal with being angry, right now. Ironically.

I'm on the way home, Sherlock, you can stop texting me, I'll be there before your bedtime.

Rider said...

Motorcycle withdrawal symptoms won't help.

But the bike's fixed, the hand will be soon, you can go find some twisties and ride the blues away.

(Or maybe go back to the offroad park. Just as much bike fun but a more controlled environment)

pandabob said...

honestly Greg taking time out and telling John that's what you were doing was dealing with feeling angry, it might not have fixed it but it was part of dealing with it.

Go home, take all the cuddles that are on offer and be good to yourself and if you can't be good to yourself let John and Sherlock be good to you instead :-)

Small Hobbit said...

Don't suppose it helps, but I can understand you being angry: you're cross with yourself because you can't defend your boyfriend when he does something that might be dangerous. You're also cross because it's been a hard day at work (we have the auditors in, so I can sympathise) and your overworked team look at you and resent you because you must be completely better off than they are, because you're the nearest one to hit out at. And then you're cross with yourself for feeling like that and you don't have two of your normal stress reliefs available.

Seems entirely reasonable to me!

Anonymous said...

I hope things get better. I can never see why politicians dont have to cut their own pay and staffs before cuttingeverywhere else first.

rsf

Anon Without A Name said...

I was watching some of the Hillsborough coverage today; I was shocked at the level of deliberate misinformation, cover-up and lying. It was just... unbelievable.

And of course, the most senior officers who are responsible - for the decisions on the day, and the campaign against the fans afterwards - are retired.

Which is hardly a subject to improve your frame of mind, is it? Sorry.

Are you feeling a bit more your normal self now?

Greg Lestrade said...

It's not a happy subject, but at least the truth is now out, and I hope the family can get the justice they seek, even if it's never going to be enough.

Feeling... I don't know. worried my normal self isn't exactly a good person to be now.

pandabob said...

which bits do you consider to be your normal self Greg because we all have times when we aren't the nicest people in the world but that isn't who we normally are.

You're too hard on yourself in a lot of different ways you know, you seem to hold yourself to a standard no one can reach all the time.

I hope you can get some good sleep tonight and look on the world with fresh eyes in the morning :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I don't feel like I can answer that.

Thanks. I'll try.

Anon Without A Name said...

Yeah, justice may have come late, but better that than nothing.

[feel free to ignore the following... well, lecture, for want of a better word; I can't think how to say what I want without coming across as patronising, which I don't want to be]
Your "normal self" is loved and respected; however your feel about yourself right now, other people aren't feeling that way. John and the boys love you for who you are, not some idealized version of yourself you think you need to live up. And it's OK to worry about your Bad-Ass boyfriend (in fact, I would suggest that it's almost inevitable, in the same way he worries about his Kick-As boyfriend. It's allowed, you know)

Anonybob's right, you know (she usually is), you can be too hard on yourself sometimes.

[maybe not ignore this bit?]
I hope the world - and yourself - look a bit less troubling in the morning. Take care of yourself, OK?

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks.

Got a new appeal out on the case. Hope it'll bring some information in.

REReader said...

Just to add, FWIW--I know it doesn't always come across that way, but I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for you, both personally and professionally. All the more because you don't project some ideal image, but share so much more of yourself than that.

Anon Without A Name said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Lestrade :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks. It's a bad case. Answers would be great.

REReader said...

Having a spot of insomnia, L? Can we help?

Greg Lestrade said...

Am sifting through the calls as a result of our appeal. It's a fairly horrible insight into some people's minds.

But we need something to go on, because right now we're completely clueless.

Small Hobbit said...

Here's hoping that amidst the dross you find something useful. And that the day in general is a step up from yesterday.

pandabob said...

Did you find anything useful in the papers Greg?

I hope your day is going better than yesterday and that you're feeling better in yourself :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Not yet.

I have body parts with no body, no cause of death, few clues, no motive, and a lot of wild speculation. And a real real wish to solve this one.

Anonymous said...

You're right there do seem to have been a lot of these cases just recently and very recently at that. I assume it's made worse by the sensationalism of the whole thing.

I'm thinking of you (like that's any help :))

Lancs. Anon

REReader said...

Good luck, L. Here's hoping it all turns around for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Part of me hopes it turns out to be a med student prank gone wrong. But in any case, I hope there's a lead for you soon.

rsf

Jaws said...

Good luck with the case L, I know that sometimes all the will in the world isn't enough to solve a problem sometimes, but fingers crossed that this isn't one of those times.

If all the crime in London could be solved by sheer hard work and determination I'm sure you and your team would have already done so. It's clear to everyone that you (and I'm sure, the rest of the Met, but I don't "know" them) put your heart and soul into helping out victims and their families, not often a pleasant job.
Personally I think it's disgusting that you (collective you) are being treated this way. Let's see the people who changed the rules do the same job, without leave or retirement as a reward.

Greg Lestrade said...

RSF - I can't stress enough how utterly sick this would be if it were a prank. I'm certain no med students would ever be involved. Sadly I think it was probably some sort of utter desperation, leading to a terrible outcome.

Anonymous said...

L. is this the case that hit the news this morning? If so I would agree about the idea it might be a prank.

Lancs. Anon

Greg Lestrade said...

To be honest, I don't know if it hit the news this morning where you are. We've been releasing statements since Minday about it.

Maybe I'm just misjudging people. But if it's a prank then I can't understand it.

pandabob said...

I'm sorry things aren't progressing Greg :-(

I really hope there is a breakthrough soon.

Anonymous said...

The one I saw this morning was the legs found. When I come to look it does say they were found on Monday. Whether it's your particular case or not, it's still a horrific mess. I couldn't understand anyone doing anything like that as a prank. Medical students do some daft things, but I would hope they would have the sense not to continue until it became a police matter.

Lancs. Anon

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah. That one.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, L. It's amazing that you're not in a worse mood. You're right utter desperation sounds likely in this case, a fuck-awful outcome for everyone.

Lancs. Anon

Jaws said...

As a London med student I can say that the protocol for handling cadavers has changed in the last 5-10 years, and that it would be nigh on impossible to take limbs out of the dissection rooms. We aren't allowed to bring anything into the rooms, not even phones, they do random spot checks as a matter of course and the incident is put on your record, then we put on gowns and 2 sets of gloves (so you can't even reach your pockets) before we go near the cadavers.
The only people who would have access are the dissection tutors: lecturers, trainee surgeons, and anatomy PHd students, but incredibly strenuous constrictions are put in place and everything removed from a cadaver must be documented. Plus it would smell like formaldehyde, trust me.

Jaws said...

Admittedly we do an awful lot of daft things, but the facts don't add up, and it's quite a few steps too far.

If you're looking into a rash of street-sign and traffic cone stealing however, I would ask med students.

Greg Lestrade said...

Well, we don't know yet. It could even be a death that's already correctly recorded, and humans or animals have got into the grave. We just don't know. But we need to find out and ensure that even if there isn't anyone at fault, that the remains can be laid to rest and tthe family informed.

pandabob said...

I hope some progress has been made this afternoon Greg and that you'll be out of there on time ready for whatever you want to do tonight :-)

How was school Sherlock? how was your day John? heres hoping you've both had a nice day :-)

Anonymous said...

I didn't have a lot of hope pinned to the idea of a prank, just enough to hope that the family already knows that the person is gone. Combined with the frustration of having to work one handed, I can see where a case like this would be really hard. I hope you have a day off coming, where you can do something relaxing (and probably loud) with Sherlock and John.

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

The family, or at least one member of it, I can only presume, do know the person is dead. I just hope we can find them and offer them the help and support that's waiting for them. With nothing reported, it's incredibly difficult. We're hoping hospitals might be able to help.

Sherlock said...

Are you coming home Lestrade? I want some greengages please.

Greg Lestrade said...

I am, mate. I'll see if anywhere has some.

Sherlock said...

I helped cheer Lestrade up by helping him make a big cheese and vegetable and bacon thing with EVERYTHING in it. And he used some pastry to make some things with greengages and they look really yummy.

Greg Lestrade said...

You did. You and John are both fantastic. And well done for having all your homework done already, too. You're being very well behaved.

pandabob said...

what a star you are Sherlock :-) I should think you can cheer Lestrade up better than most other people on the planet, he's a lucky man.

REReader said...

Oh, very well done all around, Sherlock! (How did the greengages-and-pastry taste?)

John H. D. Watson said...

Delicious, as always.

REReader said...

:)

It certainly sounded delicious!

Sherlock said...

There was stuff with them, too, like cream, and I think I could make them if we did it again.

Greg Lestrade said...

Crème fraîche, Sherlock. And I'm sure you could make them, with just a small amount of help.

REReader said...

Mmmmm--now I am really very hungry!

Making it yourself (with a little help) sounds like fun, Sherlock. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

Just wanted to say thanks, to you all. It's nice, knowing you're all here, offering support, even if I'm not very good at taking it.

Anon Without A Name said...

You're more than welcome, Lestrade. Are you feeling a little less weighed down with everything?

REReader said...

Anytime, L! (Even if it's not as effective as help in making a cheese and vegetable and bacon thing. :) )

Anonymous said...

Wish I could do more, but you've got small chefs and dangerous docs for that!

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

Well...as much as I didn't want to, I talked to John a bit about the case. And tried to apologise for being such an arsehole to live with, although he didn't listen to much of that. So yeah, a little bit better than I did. But not exactly top of the world yet.

pandabob said...

Talking is good :-) (i would say well done you but you might think it was a bit patronising so I won't)

Feeling a bit better is brilliant, I hope today bring breakthroughs with the case and things to smile about even if they are only little things. one step at a time and all that :-)

Small Hobbit said...

I'm glad you were able to talk to John a bit. And not at all surprised that he didn't listen to the bit about you being an arsehole to live with. They say the onlooking sees the most of the game and I'm sure it's the case that John sees all of you, whilst you only see the upsetting part at times. I would guess that while this case continues you're not likely to be on top of the world.

So I'll just send you virtual hugs/flowers/chocolate/booze whatever helps you feel appreciated.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, well, it wouldn't have taken much to send John a text the other nit letting him know I was just taking some time out. That is, afterall, exactly what I'd asked him to do - just let me know what he was up to, instead of heading off without mentioning it.

Takes a real arsehole not to apologise, surely.

Also, John gets the worst of it while I try and sort myself out for Sherlock, because having grown up with adults in terrible moods 90% of the time, I know it's not very nice.

pandabob said...

You did tell him you would be late, not exactly where you were going but you said something. He wasn't sat at home expecting you to arrive not knowing if something had happened to you. Not perfect but not that word you've taken to using about yourself.

It takes a man who knows he's not at his best and is trying to fix it to apologise, Sherlock will not be damaged in any way by seeing that adults have tough times and work their way through them to a good conclusion AND that they are strong enough to apologise for it. You make sure he knows its not his fault or his responsibility to fix the situation and he learns valuable lessons from you.

Next time something causes him upset and anger he will have a model for dealing with it that comes from seeing you and John deal with things. He will know that the feelings don't last forever, that people will love him however he feels about himself and that it is ok to apologise for your behaviour.

You are not that word I'm not willing to write. Right now you feel like it and that is perfectly resonable because it is how YOU feel. We will all be hanging around here cheering you on (if not cheering you up) until you get through this and are able to see what those around you see. You'll do it in your own time and that is just as it should be.

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob, you always respond to things with a thoughtfulnessand humility and empathy that very few people have. Anyone you has you in their lives should consider themselves lucky.

I think it takes far more strength and understanding to allow people to be angry and upset and flawed than to try and jolly them out of it, and you always manage that. Far better than I do, although I hope I'm learning.

Thanks for commenting. It does always make me feel better.

pandabob said...

I'm glad to help if I can Greg :-)

please add to your good things I did today list 'said something nice to someone and made them smile' :-)

I hope your afternoon is productive.

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks. The sun's shining. Hope it is where you are, too.

John, if you feel like it and have time, I could probably grab a coffee.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'd love to, thanks. Text me where?

REReader said...

It sounds like you're feeling a bit brighter now, L? I hope you two had a nice coffee break there. ;)

Greg Lestrade said...

No, to be honest, still feeling pretty crappy. But feeling a lot better about feelings crappy, thanks to John and AnonyBob, so I suppose that does equal feeling a bit better.

Thanks for that, John Hamish. You're like a ray of sunshine, honestly. Everything about my life would be darker and gloomier without you.

REReader said...

I can't say "that's good", because feeling crappy is not good--but being more okay with that is more important, surely.

I'm not doing so great myself, with my dad in the hospital and all the resulting Rosh Hashanah complications, but I'm holding onto the idea that it will work out okay. Special thanks to Sherlock--in cheering you up, he definitely cheered me up quite a bit. :)

John H. D. Watson said...

Don't feel much like a ray of sunshine these days, but I'll do my best impersonation.

Greg Lestrade said...

I hope it does work out okay for you, RR.

Danger 0 what are we going to do with each other? I've really never been in a relationship that didn't rollercoaster through brief, exhilirating, mad highs and horrible, shouting, fighting lows. Never really been with anyone I trust to tll them how I'm really feeling like I trust you. I've always just covered it up and clowned around before. I'm out of my depth. But I know I'd do anything for you.

John H. D. Watson said...

When you get all lyrical I'm never quite sure if you're quoting a song I don't know or if it's just you. ;)

Most of my relationships have been fairly ordinary with sudden explosive spikes at the end. I like this better. And I don't know what you're going to do with me, but I'm going to make you dinner.

Greg Lestrade said...

I...didn't know I was getting lyrical.

I'm nearly home. Dinner sounds great.

John H. D. Watson said...

Sorry, love. I really did think you might be quoting something and not serious and...yeah, sorry. It's been a long day. Though I'm sure not as long as yours has.

Greg Lestrade said...

That's okay. Made me smile, actually. I'm not sure anyone's called me lyrical even when I used to write songs! Quite touched, really.

All I can say is fitting in coffee with you inbetween a search for body parts and a visit to the path lab and the mortuary was definitely the highlight. And yes, feels long.

Why's your day being all long?

REReader said...

what are we going to do with each other?

I'd guess you'll do very well indeed with each other. :)

(And thanks for the good wishes, L. It helps.)

John H. D. Watson said...

You are, fairly frequently. I still want to hear your old songs, too.

Looking for work, and Sherlock's been in a mood. Also, talked to Mycroft's school about having him home Thursday night before Sherlock's birthday instead of Friday morning, and you'd think I wanted him to skip classes for a month.

Greg Lestrade said...

Hmm. Maybe, one day. If I can remember any of them.

What's up with Sherlock?

I suppose maybe now Mycroft's said he'll take these exams they need him to do well? I don't know. Can't imagine one night would make a difference.

John H. D. Watson said...

It's not even as if they have classes that morning. I don't know. They agreed in the end, but I'll talk to Mycroft about it and see if he thinks he'd better stay, just in case.

Mrs N said Sherlock was fine at school, so I think maybe he's just picking up on my mood, which hasn't been great. Must do better, as you say.

pandabob said...

John I feel far less comfortable spouting words of wisdom in your direction than I do in Greg's (I'm sure you've noticed ;-) ) but the same applies you know. Its hard when both of you are having a bad time at the same time but its far easier if you don't feel guilty about it as well.

I hope you all manage to have a relaxed evening and a nice weekend :-)

(rr I hope all goes well for you as well)

John H. D. Watson said...

Anoybob - thanks. I do appreciate the reminder.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, I only say that to me, you know. Double standards all over, that's me. ;)

I can always pick Mycroft up early in the morning. Think I'll be okay by then. Pretty sure my hand is almost up to holding yours. And shall try out that theory this weekend.

John H. D. Watson said...

I shall look forward to it. Oh, and I meant to say, I can pick up your bike whenever you like if you still want me to.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yes, please. If you don't mind.

They didn't have the right exhaust, so I had them put on the usual Striple one... so it'll look a bit different. And you'll get a warmer bum on long winter rides. I hoped you wouldn't mind. I can get it changed again.

I wasn't entirely sold on the one I had. I don't know, I'll see how it rides.

John H. D. Watson said...

Does it make a huge amount of difference what exhaust is on there?

Greg Lestrade said...

can do. Not so much between the standard and the one I used to have. The 3-1 that was on there gained a little power and gave it a different sound. But it would never have been shabby with the original.

We'll see.

I've seen people totally mess up their bikes by putting ridiculous pipes on them.

kholly said...

You don't strike me as a ridiculous pipes kind of guy L.

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, I'm not. But if I do swap back to a single pipe, it'll be one I've found an American company doing. Much nicer than the one I did have.

John H. D. Watson said...

I have every faith in your choice of pipes.

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, thanks.

Still haven't seen you on your bike with your new matching helmet. Bet you look fantastic.

John H. D. Watson said...

Maybe we can take a ride tomorrow at some point.

Rider said...

I'm sure that Lestrade has excellent taste in stubby cylindrical objects that can result in interesting noises and the occasional emission.

Anonymous said...

Bloody hell, Greg, your team scoring enough goals (although I suppose two are own goals).

Greg Lestrade said...

You scared me! I thought you meant own goals we'd scored.

Much happier now I checked the beeb :)

John H. D. Watson said...

So did I. I was preparing to mock...

Anonymous said...

A million years ago the team I support had one player, John Pender, who scored so many own goals that he was known almost universally as Penderog.

PS I'm having so much trouble with captcha that I'm beginning to think I am a robot

Greg Lestrade said...

6-1, so that's good for our goal diff.

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