24 January 2013

Yes, no, you can't, but you can and you know why.

Bought Sherlock some mittens today. the sort that are fingerless but have a flip-over top to make them 'whole'...hoping they'll keep him warm, but also allow him to poke/prod/explore all the things he usually removes his gloves to do. We will undoubtedly have to wash them a lot.

Getting places slowly with our case. It's pretty grim. I've been feeling rough all day - don't think it was visiting the charred bodies. But who knows. Not like I haven't seen enough bodies in my time.


Anyway, off for three whole days now.


So, onto some more answers. (and feel free to ask anything else, too. Although I don't blame you if you don't.)



Anon1 asked: Not sure how to phrase this, so please forgive me if this sounds totally daft. 

I was in a relationship several years ago that was pretty bad. Ever since I got out I've found it really hard to trust someone again. I want to be in a relationship, but letting the other person get close to me is hard. Any tips?

Tips...God, that's hard. And to a certain extent, despite it not being very fair on them, they do have to earn that. So I guess go slow, it might be easier to tell them, after a while. But I completely understand if that's not an option, because it's really hard to do. I think you need to patient - with yourself. Don't tell yourself you should 'get over it' or that you're 'being silly' or any such thing. It takes as long as it takes, and that's different for everyone. Be kind to yourself :) anyone who deserves to be with you will understand and be patient too.

John and I had a bit of a baptism of fire, with how we met, so it became apparent to me really fast that I could - and had to - trust him with my life. But even then..hell, even now, as most of you know, I haven't sold my flat, because I'm not quite ready to let go of all my safety net anymore. But he understands.

Anon2 asked: is it okay to say yes to make the other person happy, even if you'd just as soon not?

I think I probably need more information... is it okay to say yes when the other person says 'It's salad for dinner, is that okay?'...when really you want a steak? Well...yes. Is it okay to, say, sleep with someone, when you don't want to? I'd say that depended on you. Some people could do it and get over it and be fine. Others could end up feeling terrible.

And think about how the other person feels, too - by which I mean, would they want you to be unhappy, just for that 'yes'? And if they would, are the two of you really on the same page?

Sorry, it's a bit vague.

Anon3 asked: How can you bring up to someone who is pretty much congenitally repressed, that you'd like them to initiate or take the lead once in a while?

Um..well, I'd just bring it up, gently. And use the shit sandwich approach, if it would work for you - something nice, then the bit they maybe won't want to hear/won't be so into, then another something nice.

But some people just don't have it in them to take the lead. And never will. So if that's the case, then don't make them feel bad about it. Everyone's different. They certainly won't do it if they worry about recriminations and getting it wrong when they try.


Anon4 asked: if you've been seeing a person exclusively for a long while but still don't want to, does that mean you aren't really in love with them?

I'm taking this to mean that you still don't want to see them exclusively? I don't think it necessarily means you don't love them. People can be in love with more than one person at once. Of course, that needs to be okay with everyone involved if you choose to act on it.

Love isn't just about being able to live with someone, it's about not wanting to live without them, too. Only you can decide what will work for you and the other person.

Love comes in so many different forms, you can't just say yes or no.

64 comments:

Anonymous said...

Any tips on what to do when the relationship is great and the sex isn't?

Greg Lestrade said...

Hmm, tough one. If the relationship is great, then can you pinpoint why the sex isn't? Is it technique, differing libido, one partner just not feeling sex is as important as the other? And just...talk. Easy to say, hard to do. Try and work ways around it. At the extreme end, you can get advice and help from someone else - a sex therapist. Otherwise, you can just talk it through between the two of you. Or write it down, if talking is awkward. If it's technique, then showing the other person exactly what you like/don't like might work, or getting a book for techniques, or using the internet. Differing appetites could be addressed by the one who doesn't want it as often using toys or something on the other?

I'd hope any great relationship would allow for an honest talk about something at least one partner thinks is a problem.

Greg Lestrade said...

As a complete aside, everyone should look at these pictures of the aftermath of a fire in a warehouse in Chicago. The water from the hoses of the fire crews froze as they battled to put it out.

http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2013/01/fire-and-ice-the-frozen-aftermath-of-a-chicago-warehouse-fire/

REReader said...

YIKES! O_O (And I though it was cold here!)

John H. D. Watson said...

Those pictures are...amazing.

I'm taking this to mean that you still don't want to see them exclusively?

I took it to mean 'still don't want to have sex with them'.

Greg Lestrade said...

Oh...well...then no, it doesn't mean you don't love them, because sex and love are different things. It might be rather hard on the relationship if you do want to have sex with other people...but if you don't want to have sex with anyone, then that's just something to discuss with the other person. If you do want to have sex generally, but not with them...well, again, might be hard on the relationship, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. It's just one of those things you need to work out, see if it's a deal breaker or not.

...I think.


As for thepics, yeah, found them while Googling for info on fires and snow.

John H. D. Watson said...

I could be wrong, too.

For your charred body case?

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah. Well, ...yeah. Just checking things. Haven't been able to have an autopsy done yet and I really don't want to have got it wrong.

John H. D. Watson said...

Got what wrong? Or can't you say?

Greg Lestrade said...

We're...well, about 98-99% sure it's murder-suicide. But it's a hell of a thing to get wrong if you find out down the line you've been blaming one of the victims for a murder and let a murderer walk free. It's already hard enough on the family, something like this.

Anonymous said...

yes that what's i meant john.

thank you

Greg Lestrade said...

Shit, sorry, Anon.

kholly said...

L, I imagine in your line of work you never want to get it wrong regardless of the it. I'm not sure I could handle the pressure inherent in what you do.

Greg Lestrade said...

No, no, you don't. However sure you are you've got the right person, you're always waiting to find out that there's been another killing, with the same MO, to tell you you were wrong or something. Worst feeling in the world, another victim when you're on a case. I've never met anyone who didn't, deep down, blame themselves for that.

But managing to tell a whole family you've blamed their loved on for a murder only to find out they were really a victim is pretty high on the list of things I don't want to ever do.

John H. D. Watson said...

The autopsy will help though, surely? I understand why you want to be sure, of course.

Greg Lestrade said...

Well...it might. I mean, we have a cause of death, we think. It'll only be if something really odd shows up that it could change.

I don't know, just makes me...you know, there's no one left. Dead victim, dead murderer - we think. No confessions, no conviction, no witnesses. None of the usual things you go over and over making sure the case is tight, apart from forensic evidence... I just don't like it.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah. That does seem...I don't know, not necessarily suspicious, but very much like it would make it a hard one to let go of.

Greg Lestrade said...

Just in case people miss it, I think you should all offer your support to my plan for tomorrow night.

Me, boys, haggis for dinner, John in a kilt. Sounds good, yeah?

Anonymous said...

Sounds very good!

Small Hobbit said...

I'll add my support.

John H. D. Watson said...

Are you planning to cook this haggis yourself?

Greg Lestrade said...

well, yeah. I mean, buy a haggis to cook, with neeps and tatties. Trying to keep you in touch with your heritage! :)

John H. D. Watson said...

I don't know, if you're not going to stuff it yourself...

Greg Lestrade said...

... I'l stuff something myself, I tell you.

sorry, Delia Watson, not sure where I'd get an entire sheep's innards at such short notice. And I think there's only a decent black market in goat around here.

John H. D. Watson said...

Heh. Well, as long as there's some sort of stuffing going on... :)

REReader said...

Is there a reason for the haggis and kilt tomorrow? I mean, is it some sort of national anniversary that I only don't know about because I'm an insular American? *wondering if I should be embarrassed*

Greg Lestrade said...

Burns Night, RR.

REReader said...

Oh! I have heard of that. :)

Anon Without A Name said...

I definitely support the idea of bekilted stuffing :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Nameless - you think they wear kilts because it makes stuffing easier?

Anon Without A Name said...

I can't think of a better reason, can you?

Greg Lestrade said...

Definitely not.

Anonymous said...

I can't think of haggis without thinking of Alton Brown's very silly version of how to make one. (The more serious recipe is here.

rsf

Anonymous said...

Rats, linkfail. Try this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuixJaAia84

rsf

Desert Wanderer said...

Lestrade, have you ever though about being a teacher or, like...school counselor if/when you retire from the Yard? You have a lot of messages about respect, relationships, emotional intelligence, etc. that kids (especially teenagers) need to hear that I'm not sure is always being put out there.

Greg Lestrade said...

I haven't, no.

But I think you're right about kids not getting the message these days.

However, if you could see this place this morning you wouldn't think I was qualified to talk about anything... Sherlock is not happy.

Desert Wanderer said...

Oh? He doesn't like the mittens?

Greg Lestrade said...

he doesn't like going to school when we're both off and Mycroft's coming home. He's been a little terror all morning.

Think John and I might go for a run and a coffee when he's back from the school run.

Desert Wanderer said...

You're running in the snow-ocalypse we hear England's become? Brave.

Though, I have a strong suscipion it's more for the heat sharing that happens after. Prudent medical action it is, an all...

Do you guys have anything planned for the weekend?

Small Hobbit said...

I presume that this is another case where It's Not Fair.

Any chance I can have the day off?

Greg Lestrade said...

DW - no snow here anymore. We may get a bit overnight, but I think rain will follow to wash it away.

Nothing particular planned. Up to Mycroft :)

SH - Yeah, it isn't... but he should know better than to clash swords with John about going to school.

And yeah, treat yourself, have the day off.

Desert Wanderer said...

Aw, SH. Wish I'd thought to ask. :(

Though it's only 4am here, still plenty of time to snow enough for at least a late start? Assuming I can get it to start snowing, that is. Bit of a public service, that would be.

Greg Lestrade said...

Did you manage to conjure up some snow?

I've just found out Haggis is illegal in the US - or banned, anyway. Just like some cheeses.

I'm firmly of the belief that it's up to you what you eat...

Piplover said...

Lestrade, the ban on haggis was actually lifted two years ago. Which I find funny now, because five years ago I worked in a British Import shop which sold it.

I hope you all have a good day today, and Sherlock calms down a bit.

Greg Lestrade said...

Really? Huh, can't even trust the BBC to get things right these days... Maybe the ones you sold were not entirely authentic Haggis...es? Haggi?

Cheers :)

REReader said...

Speaking of food...Tomorrow (starting tonight, of course) is Tu B'Shevat, the Jewish New Year for trees. Have a "new fruit"--some fruit you haven't had recently! :)

Desert Wanderer said...

Snow a little late, I'm afraid, by about 12 hours. And our boss (who lives literally on the same street as our building, two blocks down and thus has no concept of things like traffic, freezing bridges, or commutes) didn't release us early, which meant an hour and 19 minutes to go the 7 miles home. I guess you have to balance things out, sometimes.

Greg Lestrade said...

Well it's nice and sunny here today, and we're going on a (small) adventure. With food and shopping, because what adventure in London doesn't somehow involve those two?

pandabob said...

That's sounds interesting! Have fun :-)

Anonymous said...

Adventures with food and shopping are the best kind. Means you won't be late for supper!

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

Sherlock is... Flying high with excitement. I'm looking forward to coffee.

Greg Lestrade said...

It may take more than coffee for me to keep up with him. A jet pack maybe.

Anon Without A Name said...

Dare I ask what you're doing that's got Sherlock so excited?

Are you all having a good day?

Sherlock said...

We went on the cable car and it was great and now I want to climb the dome and go on a boat and go to the barrier and John and Lestrade said that the dome was for the Millennium and I wan't born them and they both groaned a lot when I said that but it's true.

pandabob said...

That sounds really exciting Sherlock, I'm glad you're having fun :-)

Its strange to think you weren't around at the millennium but maybe even stranger to think mycroft was only a toddler ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

We didn't groan THAT much...

Now home, and some people are eating cake...

AnonyBob - I refuse to believe Mycroft didn't arrive on this earth completely capable and dressed smartly. Like a wild animal born on the tundra - up and walking about and sorting itself out within an hour ;)

Anonymous said...

Where did the cable car go, Sherlock?

rsf

Anonymous said...

All I can think of is 'where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars' but that's probably not it!

Greg Lestrade said...

sorry, they're off doing something secret in Mycroft's room...

It just goes across the river, by docklands. So you get a nice view back at Canary Wharf and the dome and things. I'll post about it later!

pandabob said...

Secret things?! That sounds interesting ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

by 'interesting' I will choose to think you mean 'terrifying'. Because it is.

Mycroft has promised it won't result in the loss of anything important - lives, limbs, houses ...soooooo, well, it's...nice they're doing something together??

pandabob said...

Terrifying is a much better word you're right ;-)

it is lovely they are working together on something, brothers should stick together :-)

Anonymous said...

Mycroft, when you emerge, there's a book I just discovered which you might like. It's called "Turn Left At Orion" and it's by Guy Consolmagna and Dan M. Davis. There's a review over here from an enthusiastic reader.

rsf

Unknown said...

Burns night is great, around here anyway. Big dinner, and there's roast turkey if you aren't into haggis (although I'm told we have some good haggis makers in our community). The haggis is piped in, the ode to the haggis recited, the piper gets the first dram. Everyone who comes makes some part of the menu, from the oat cakes to the cockaleekie and scottish broth, to the neeps & tatties and the shortbread and other desserts.
Then lots of singing and music after the feast. :)

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