10 April 2013

Without saying a word you can light up the dark

Having a day where I don't want to be grown up. Don't want to be responsible. Don't want to have anyone relying on me.

Worried at work, that we'll let down a family badly, because of a mistake made. I...hope it won't come to that. But it could. And it's out of our hands now.

And...and.

I've spent my whole life second-guessing people. Reading every tiny change in their body language, their expressions. The way people breathe. Their eye movement. The flex of their hands. The shift of their weight. Nervous tics, wetting lips, rubbing face, cracking joints. I can read a thousand words into a silence.

I don't think it's bragging to say that most of the time, I've been fairly good at it. Practice, experience, all comes into it.

But all my practice has been on people who've ... not had my best interests at heart. And I'd never really noticed that, particularly. I mean, not...not in relation to how I read people. Because that's just how it's been.

And now I suppose I'm realising that I go into everything with such a skewed vision of how people work that...that sometimes I really can't read them at all.

And on here...even less.

I'm also becoming more aware that I get so completely tied up with trying not to make anyone feel bad, that I probably send completely mixed messages, most of the time.

Even saying this, I seriously worry how people will read it.


In other news. Trying to get Sherlock to pick out some veggies for the allotment. John and the boys have been working there today - digging over the ground, planting up, making what sounds like and area for hippos to wallow in, should any be passing.

Sherlock has brought about 90% of the soil home with him. And is currently planting cress seeds in a variety of pots/holders/substances. And also Googling fertiliser. I'm trying to keep an eye on him, for fear he stumbles across bomb-making info. Or just alerts the security services by ordering us a few tonnes of it...

On the subject of - an interesting article on the kind of crime we're currently fighting.

95 comments:

John H. D. Watson said...

I love you. I'm sorry work is bad right now. And being an adult is pretty terrible sometimes, yeah.

making what sounds like and area for hippos to wallow in

I read this as 'making sounds like a hippo wallowing'...which is also accurate.

pandabob said...

its easy to say that you can say anything here and no one should be offended but it doesn't make you believe it I know and I guess it doesn't apply to your boys but the rest of us need a good telling sometimes ;-)

I have nothing useful to say really other than sorry work's rubbish but not long now until fun time off :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

...now you're making me think of that farting hippo video...

I'm so glad you went to the allotment and enjoyed it. We should go again in the next few days, when I can help.

John H. D. Watson said...

The one with its tail spinning round?

That'd be nice, yeah. We could make a sign for it...The Hippo's Wallow...

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah, that one...

What do you think about going to Longleat like Sherlock wants?

John H. D. Watson said...

Sure, why not? You can feed the giraffes there too I think.

Anonymous said...

Will you be composting at the allotment? That should satisfy Sherlock's fertilizer requirements.

I'm trying to figure out where to buy cress seeds here. I'm supposed to do some garden programs this summer because the theme is "Dig into Reading", so I'm trying to get a head start on it. (suggestions welcome -- anything that can survive a purple thumb...)

rsf

Greg Lestrade said...

When should we go? Need to make a day of it. Shame Nicky's two are back at school.

John H. D. Watson said...

Friday? You said Saturday for the off road place, right? And then you can have some time to relax Thursday and Sunday.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah? Okay.

And yes, Saturday is the off-road.

Maybe we could bring Carla and Paul back with us? Depends if Nicky and Mark want to come to London or would rather spend the time at home.

They're old enough to get the train home on their own.

John H. D. Watson said...

Sounds good.

Anonymous said...

Have you been watching the programme about tea John?

John H. D. Watson said...

I haven't been watching much of anything recently. Is it good?

Anonymous said...

its been interesting, its about Britain and their love of tea tomorrow.

Greg Lestrade said...

Apparently we drink 60 billion cups of tea a year. I think John drinks at least half of those.

Mycroft's a bit of an addict too, I've noticed. That's what happens when you get a room of your own at school, and a kettle to go in it...

John H. D. Watson said...

I think John drinks at least half of those.

This might be true.

Greg Lestrade said...

Want a shoulder rub? Because I am bloody freezing and could do with you draped over me, and it seems like a good excuse.

John H. D. Watson said...

Sounds ideal for both of us then.

...Are we okay?

spandrella said...

I don't know why talk of John liking tea reminded me of John liking spicy curry, but I've been meaning to let you know of the existence of this:

http://newyork.seriouseats.com/2008/06/brick-lane-curry-house-east-village-nyc-phaal-spiciest-indian-curry.html

Apparently the guy who makes it has to wear a gas mask or the spice closes his bronchial tubes. O.O

Greg Lestrade said...

I...don't think I know how to answer that.

Personally, I'm not the best, right now. But very very far from the worst.

Are you okay?

John H. D. Watson said...

Mostly? I mean. I suppose I meant I hoped I hadn't said anything too idiotic in the other post and made you feel bad as a result.

John H. D. Watson said...

Spandrella - I...might think twice before eating that one. I'm sure I could get it down, less sure it'd be worth it.

Greg Lestrade said...

You haven't.

I feel bad when I treat you in a way I base on past experiences with other people, when you're nothing like them. And when I don't even realise that's what I've done until later.

And I feel bad every time I put up defensive walls and leave you on the wrong side of them.

John H. D. Watson said...

Okay. I didn't know that was what was happening. I'm still not sure I see it, but you know what's going on in your head better than I do.

Want to split a cupcake?

Greg Lestrade said...

I suppose...what it comes down to, is when I'm not being very clear, or...something, it's sometimes because I second-guess myself so much, I don't even know what I really think anymore. And I really, don't quite know how to change that yet.

Last night, I wanted you to know you could talk to me, if you wanted. That you didn't have to, if you didn't want. And that I think I can cope with you talking about the things you experienced. But I don't think that's what you heard, because I wasn't very clear.

I'm amazed there are cupcakes left. Love to share one.

John H. D. Watson said...

All right. I think it was at least half me being oversensitive though.

Greg Lestrade said...

If you say so..

Want to go to the allotment tomorrow? Or get out with the boys on the bikes? Bit of a day trip?

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, either one. Both? We could head out in the morning and then see if we feel like digging when we get back?

Greg Lestrade said...

Sounds good.

We'll have to try not to terrify any allotmenteers when we turn up like a biker gang.

John H. D. Watson said...

I suppose, yeah...even if it does sound a bit entertaining...

REReader said...

Hell's Gardeners?

Greg Lestrade said...

Okay, we won't terrify them until we've got all the cuttings/spare plants/tips we need...

Bed? Think my brain stopped working about ha;f and hour ago.

John H. D. Watson said...

Right, good plan.

Bed is also a good plan, let's go.

spandrella said...

I apologize in advance if this observation (or whatever it is) seems out of place. I'm living with a married couple and one of the things I appreciate, watching them, is that they're both fairly explicit about when they do or don't want to talk. They don't let things float in the air. If something's clearly bothering the wife (for example), Husband will say, "Do you want to talk about it?" If she says no, he leaves her alone. She knows that he's available when she does want to talk. I think it's the explicit denial of a conversation, and not having that denial lead to drama, that makes their relationship work just as much as the ability to talk to each other. They both know that "I don't want to talk right now" means only that, and nothing else.

I mean, Lestrade, it sounds like part of what snarls you up is when you don't have a clear idea of what's in John's head, and you don't want to ask. so you try to read it from his body language, but you don't trust what you observe because John's so different from the people who calibrated your internal observer to be wary and distrustful. I know John's trying to talk more, and I think that's good, but maybe it would also be good if John sometimes said, "There's something in my head but I don't feel like talking about it. I'll let you know when that changes"? Would that help you not feel uncertain? Or at least, I think you would feel better about asking John if he wants to talk if you felt certain that he'd say no if he didn't want to (instead of just going silent, or talking under duress).

Not sure if that makes sense. And I apologize if I've spoken out of turn.

Greg Lestrade said...

You certainly haven't spoken out of turn. And I think that probably is really good advice. I'll ask John about what he thinks when he's awake and functioning. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I don't think he would have offered to tell you about his war experiences if he didn't want you to ask...I imagine it's a difficult thing to just volunteer to start talking about if someone hasn't asked you specifically.

Just a lurker's 2 cents. Anyway, you've probably had enough heavy talk for a while. Enjoy your day trip and weekend and all.

Greg Lestrade said...

...our oven has broken. There are raw biscuits sitting forlornly inside and Sherlock sitting forlornly outside...

And my tenants want to move out of my flat. Which is... Annoying :)

REReader said...

Perhaps Mrs. Hudson would let her oven be used to bake the biscuits, seeing as they're all ready to go?

I have no idea where you go to find responsible tenants. Maybe the ones leaving know someone looking?

Greg Lestrade said...

She's out, but they'll go in hers as soon as she's back. Sherlock wants to call her and tell her there's an emergency.

John H. D. Watson said...

A biscuit emergency...

Greg Lestrade said...

He also wants my flat as a lab...

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm imagining how that would end. Probably with the surrounding streets evacuated and a quarantine zone.

Greg Lestrade said...

He has thrown himself to the ground, moaned as if dying and told me I stifle his genius ...

John H. D. Watson said...

Another beautiful preview of adolescence.

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm sure I can fix the oven. But not fast enough...

John H. D. Watson said...

Do you know what's wrong with it?

Kestrel337 said...

"stifle his genius"

Sorry. I shouldn't laugh. But that's miles and miles better than what I was told in similar spirit yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Genius thrives even in adversity, Sherlock. There's a boy here in the States who built a nuclear energy lab in a shed in his back yard (which is NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO), and got hired into an energy company out of high school.

Science is full of scientists who had to make do with what they had, and still managed to change our understanding of the world.


-Ella, who can't sign in right now

REReader said...

No, no, Sherlock, you don't want Lestrade's flat--as I recall, it was yourself that pointed out that if he rents out his flat, he has money to buy ice cream and cake!

Greg Lestrade said...

I think the element has blown. I'll get a multimeter on it in a bit when I've stopped assuring Sherlock his cress is growing. It is, isn't it.

John H. D. Watson said...

Oh definitely...

Greg Lestrade said...

Of course, the longer they're in the light being prodded, not in the dark, growing, the longer it will all take ....

John H. D. Watson said...

You're stifling his genius. :P

Greg Lestrade said...

He's stifling their...growing prowess.


What Anon said, way up there - "I don't think he would have offered to tell you about his war experiences if he didn't want you to ask"

Is that...true? Because, honestly, I thought you were offering because you thought it was what I wanted, not necessarily because you wanted it. And I don't mind which it is, but...I suppose it would be good to know, so I know what to do.

John H. D. Watson said...

Sort of both? I think there are things I'd like to tell you, yes. And also it seems strange to have this massive chunk of my life that you know so little about.

I can see that the way I said it, it sounded like it was just for you and maybe I meant it that way at the time, I'm not sure. But it's strange for me too. I don't know, maybe it doesn't seem strange to you and it's just me. Anyway. I hope that was...some kind of answer. I've been trying to write this for far too long and I should just hit post.

Greg Lestrade said...

So...if I ask again - or if you want to ask me something, about this sort of stuff, can we...do a bit like Spandrella said? Like...A 'not right now' or 'I don't really want to talk about it' or 'Yeah, once Sherlock's in bed' or...something? And we'll both agree we won't...feel bad about the other one saying it? Or something like that? I mean, we can fine-tune that as between ourselves.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

pandabob said...

The fact that you two talk about talking about things is the very important thing you know, even if it takes months of you talking about talking before you actually sit down together and do it the fact that you're not pretending that you know all there is to know about each other means that you are a lot closer than most couples are.



There were a hell of a lot of talkings in there so it probably doesn't make much sense but I hope you can see what I mean ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks, AnonyBob.

Honestly, I think I'm a fairly confident bloke most of the time. But...well, I'm somehow convinced that I'm completely certain to cock this all up by saying or doing the wrong thing. And it leads me to digging myself into ever bigger holes as I worry that John thinks I'm treating him as if he's the sort of arsehole.
I can't even explain it properly. Going to stop before I do exactly what I'm talking about.

pandabob said...

honestly I think all those who matter know what you mean most of the time but I can really understand the worrying thing, its normal I would say :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm somehow convinced that I'm completely certain to cock this all up by saying or doing the wrong thing.

Me too. I mean...I've done it before. Quite often. Usually without knowing what I did wrong.

Small Hobbit said...

What AnonyBob said about talking about talking about things. As I've said, my OH has Aspergers and trying to communicate at times is like balancing on egg shells.

Sherlock, of course your cress is growing, you just can't see it yet.

Greg Lestrade said...

Love you, John.

John H. D. Watson said...

I love you too. Really a lot.

Greg Lestrade said...

will you still love me tomorrow after a day of me comparing you to animals? (Cute ones, fuzzy ones, short ones...)

By the way - Longleat has a lot of mazes. We MUST NOT let Sherlock off his leash. (And yes, I'm really thinking I might borrow one of the dog's leads and attach it to him.)

John H. D. Watson said...

As long as you don't put any of them on my head, yes.

Multiple mazes? We might never see him again. We'd have to get the dogs to track him down.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yeah.

And remind us to do a pat-down after we leave the Bat Cave...

And are we biking down...which means we need to use the bus through the safari park. Or driving, in which case we can drive through the safari park ourselves.

I worry Sherlock might be too tired to ride home, after a busy day. It's a long way.

John H. D. Watson said...

I think I'd go for driving. Both in case he's too tired and so that we don't have him wondering aloud on the bus if any of the animals will attack and eat us.

Also, the way this day is shaping up, I might be too tired to ride home...

Sherlock said...

It takes two hours and six minutes to get there it opens at ten and Lestrade always moans about the traffic in London in rush hour and we have to be there early and we should take the dogs in case they get eaten and I'm not going on a leash and we have to leave here at 7am.

REReader said...

It sounds like a very interesting/fun/exciting place--have fun tomorrow, Sherlock!

(And what will you do with the 54 minutes before the park opens if you leave home at 7? Not to mention that someone will probably have to carry John if you leave that early!)

Sherlock said...

Some of it will be because there will be lots of cars in London in our way and some of it is because we'll stop on the way because John will need to pee and Lestrade will want coffee and I will want breakfast.

REReader said...

Ah. I see you have already thought of everything. Good planning!

Greg Lestrade said...

and I will want breakfast.

I assume, given you'll have eaten breakfast at home, that you will actually be wanted some form of second breakfast, you little Hobbit.

Small Hobbit said...

Is that a summary of what happens every time you go out?

John H. D. Watson said...

7am? Really?

Greg Lestrade said...

7am.

Oh, God, watch this. It reminds me of every time Sherlock has decided he's a bat/other creature for the day...except... just watch it. I'll be over here getting my breath back.

http://youtu.be/qnydFmqHuVo

John H. D. Watson said...

Oh god, the lizard... the flamingo!

Greg Lestrade said...

it's like...every time Sherlock rushes into the room 'being' something and you have to work out what it is, by replaying recent bizarre conversations in your mind to figure out what it is.

Yesterday evening he threw himself on me over the back of the sofa, and was just a dead-weight of tangled arms and legs...

Sherlock said...

Why don't you know what I'm being from me being it?

I was a JELLYFISH yesterday because they're brilliant.

REReader said...

Jellyfish are amazing. And sometimes deadly! The fluorescent ones are prettiest, though.

John H. D. Watson said...

Ah, a jellyfish, of course... Well, they are brilliant, it's true.

Greg Lestrade said...

I guessed jellyfish!...eventually.

His was the deadly sort. Or nearly deadly, once he'd crushed me. The deadly sort that hide behind your sofa to attack...

Danger - what time do you want to go in the morning. Assuming 7 is too early.

John H. D. Watson said...

The sofa dwelling jellyfish - the most deadly.

I could manage 7 if you want to? Providing we get breakfast on the way.

Sherlock said...

YYEESSSSSSSS seven and breakfast and you can sleep in the car anyway and so you should probably sit in the back with Mycroft and I can sit in the front with Lestrade so I can learn how to drive!

Anonymous said...

are you not legally required to be in the back in your car seat if there are seatbelts in the back Sherlock?

Greg Lestrade said...

No, he can be in the front. But he won't be, because John will be. Asleep or not.

pandabob said...

I am very impressed John, offering to be up and going at that time is amazing ;-)

John H. D. Watson said...

If we're having breakfast out, all I have to do is pry my eyes open and get dressed...not too bad.

Greg Lestrade said...

You could stay asleep. I could dress you. Bet I could make up a lovely outfit...

And Sherlock, it seems, will get two breakfasts.

There's a bit in the park where I think I'd be allowed to put tarantulas and snakes on your head.

John H. D. Watson said...

The fear of what you might dress me in will have me alert in plenty of time to leave by seven.

I don't think snakes would stay on my head.

Anonymous said...

Deadly jellyfish, huh? If Sherlock likes deadly animals he might like this one I just found out about.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/mantis_shrimp

have fun tomorrow.

Tina said...

I hope you are almost there. Have fun!

lindentreeisle said...

That mantis shrimp is amazing! You can find video on youtube of it fighting various animals. If you are a crustacean, it will punch you so hard your limbs come off. AWESOME.

Greg Lestrade said...

I think I remember us discussing mantis shrimp on here before. Or it might just have been with Sherlock. Or Richard Attenborough ... I don't remember!

Anyway, they are great. Can break a human finger, apparently.

John H. D. Watson said...

Which is pretty impressive for a shrimp.

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