Having a day where I don't want to be grown up. Don't want to be responsible. Don't want to have anyone relying on me.
Worried at work, that we'll let down a family badly, because of a mistake made. I...hope it won't come to that. But it could. And it's out of our hands now.
I've spent my whole life second-guessing people. Reading every tiny change in their body language, their expressions. The way people breathe. Their eye movement. The flex of their hands. The shift of their weight. Nervous tics, wetting lips, rubbing face, cracking joints. I can read a thousand words into a silence.
I don't think it's bragging to say that most of the time, I've been fairly good at it. Practice, experience, all comes into it.
But all my practice has been on people who've ... not had my best interests at heart. And I'd never really noticed that, particularly. I mean, not...not in relation to how I read people. Because that's just how it's been.
And now I suppose I'm realising that I go into everything with such a skewed vision of how people work that...that sometimes I really can't read them at all.
And on here...even less.
I'm also becoming more aware that I get so completely tied up with trying not to make anyone feel bad, that I probably send completely mixed messages, most of the time.
Even saying this, I seriously worry how people will read it.
In other news. Trying to get Sherlock to pick out some veggies for the allotment. John and the boys have been working there today - digging over the ground, planting up, making what sounds like and area for hippos to wallow in, should any be passing.
Sherlock has brought about 90% of the soil home with him. And is currently planting cress seeds in a variety of pots/holders/substances. And also Googling fertiliser. I'm trying to keep an eye on him, for fear he stumbles across bomb-making info. Or just alerts the security services by ordering us a few tonnes of it...
On the subject of - an interesting article on the kind of crime we're currently fighting.