30 October 2013

Must be someone else. Must be someone else. Must be,

Having one of those days. When everything feels like it's far too hard to deal with. Thinking, doing things, everything. But life goes on around, so have to try and keep up, right?

We're...about 90% sure that Mum needs more care than she can get at home. Nicky and I have both talked to her about it.

She's less...against it than she has been.

Nicky's going around some places that have wardens and things - so she'll still have her own space, but she'll also have more help. We hope.

Obviously she still thinks we're just spying on her and don't trust her. But I think she's realising she needs it, too.


Ah, forgot I was writing this. Can't remember what I was going to say now.

Have a song. It's on a playlist I've been listening to a bit recently. I like it.




Sherlock is full of beans about fireworks. I'm not sure what we'll do this year. I'm trying very hard to keep up with his enthusiasm. It's not easy. I don't know how John manages for so many hours a day.

I feel bad when I'm like this, at work, at home, feel like I'm just about keeping up with the essentials and not really...involving myself any more.


One of my cases is very difficult at the moment. I mean, they all are, in their own ways, but this one...there's three young boys, and we believe one of their parents murdered the other. Then committed suicide. How do you deal with that when you're only 6 or 7 years old? That's your whole world, isn't it. Everything you know.

I do just want to bring them all home. Take care of them all.

Last night I headed out to the river, by the barrier. I like it out there.

Except when I went to start the bike up again I realised that I'd forgotten I was almost out of petrol...and now I wasn't going to get far. Anyway, luckily, John and Sherlock came to my rescue. I'm very lucky to have them, willing to help me.

45 comments:

pandabob said...

I'm sorry things are tough right now Greg, I know these things go in cycles but I also know that its a pain when the hard times come and everything just feels like too much to deal with. I really hope that you find your way through it all as quickly as possible and I'm glad you have John and your boys by your side while you do that :-)

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks :)

At least...I do feel okay, you know, saying it on here. Even when I can't find the words to say it.

I mean, I don't feel any worse, admitting it out loud, I suppose, than I do feeling like it in the first place.

pandabob said...

someone told me once that the first step to feeling better is to stop feeling bad for feeling bad so I'm glad you're at that point :-)

Sherlock said...

Could we make the boys cake?

REReader said...

That's a very kind thought, Sherlock. (I don't know if it's possible to bring it to them, but it is a very kind thought.)

Greg Lestrade said...

I don't think so, kiddo. But it is kind to offer.

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger...does Sherlock need to dress up? We should get on it, if so...

John H. D. Watson said...

feel bad when I'm like this, at work, at home, feel like I'm just about keeping up with the essentials and not really...involving myself any more.

It happens to everyone. I know you know that, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to remind you. And I love you.

Sherlock and his enthusiasm for fireworks is impressive, I admit. It was my favourite holiday, but I don't think I achieved this level of excitement about it, even the year of the big storm when the bonfires were so massive.

I really like that song.

Greg Lestrade said...

Thanks. It is just a...spiral. And I know I'll snap out of it in the end.

Love you too.

Maybe we could go up Ally Pally or something, just see what we can see, for fireworks?

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, that'd be good. Do you know yet if you're working that day?

Greg Lestrade said...

No. Although Sherlock is hanging onto my leg now begging me not to work.

Sherlock, loads of people on my team have kids, and they'll probably all want to take it off. I'll have to see.

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm heading to bed. Night all.

pandabob said...

good luck with sleep Greg, you too John :-)

rsf said...

I hope tomorrow is better. The worst thing about having down cycles is that they show up even when most of the things in your life are good. I'm glad you can talk about it, though. That helps.

Did you ever settle if Sherlock needed a costume?

Anonymous said...

I've been hesitating to say anything because I'm afraid it will sound like I'm minimizing your feelings, Lestrade, and I don't mean to do that. But there's a tendency in today's culture to think that happiness is normal and that anything else is not--and that really isn't so. Happiness is normal, yes--but, especially when there are appropriate reasons, so is worry and sadness and introspection and seriousness and anger and all the so-called negative emotions. So long as your feelings don't interfere with your regular activities for an extended amount of time, I would say that it's not only okay but normal and healthy to have feelings other than happiness and serenity.

I hope that came out all right. Feel free to totally ignore it.

Greg Lestrade said...

Anon - I agree that being happy all the time isn't normal.

I think...things just get to a stage, like they did yesterday, when it wasn't feeling a bit down that was getting to me, I'd just hit a stage of complete paralyses. i didn't know what to do with myself to the extent I didn't even feel like I could think about it, if you see what I mean.

And with...certain feelings, m,ainly caused by past experiences, I then feel guilty about transferring those feelings to the present, because I get caught up in how that might make John and the boys feel ( probably completely incorrectly, but when you're not in the best place it's hard to not be negative.)


Anyway, less paralysed today. Thankfully.

Greg Lestrade said...

SH - my informants say there's a whisper on the street that it may be your cake-and-glitter-day ;). Have a good one!

REReader said...

Happy birthday, SH!

Glad you're feeling a bit more like you've got your feet under you (if that's the right way to put it), L.

Is today a costume day at Sherlock's school after all?

Mazarin said...

I think it's the lot of many, many people to feel the way you do, Greg. I know I can do the same thing - sort of plodding through the day, not really engaged, just sort of...sitting, I suppose, and unsure of what to do next. And when you've got small people depending on you, it can really amplify those feelings of guilt that you feel that way.

Thing is, though, you can't really help it. Mr. Maz and I both have issues with depression and it's hard when we're both down to really be there for our son and each other, so we try to let those days be quiet days, reading and not worrying about housework and organizing or anything that we absolutely don't have to. The fact you realize how you're feeling and you do find ways to cope - going for a run, a ride, down the pub for a drink - means you've at least sorted a way to cope in a positive way. You're NOT harming the boys by being down, you're finding ways to help yourself when you feel that way. I wish I were as capable.

Wow, that turned out longer than I thought. Sorry. Best to you, and have a fun Halloween, if you celebrate.

Greg Lestrade said...

No, no costumes. He obviously just wanted to dress up.

We'll carve his pumpkin after school, but apart from that we're not planning anything.

Maz - yeah, amplifying is exactly what happens. I don't know, I do just drift in and out of it. I'm lucky, in that respect, that I don't feel like this all the time. But sometimes when it hits, it hits hard. And like I said, easy to fall back to old habits, rather than focus on the here and now, and then get sort of trapped in some sort of shitty guilt spiral too.

REReader said...

Dressing up is fun! (Although not so much if no one else is--especially not for the teacher. :))

FWIW, L (and I know it probably isn't worth much), I think you're doing the right thing, finding somewhere for your mother where she'll have more help around. I was just talking to a friend on Sunday, and her mother (who had a stroke a couple of years ago) managed to land herself in the hospital with third degree burns, after losing her balance in the kitchen and pulling an urn of hot water onto herself--and this in the 15 or 20 minutes between the time my friend left for work and the time an aide came in to look in on her. So your mother might not like it, but it's probably better for her.

Small Hobbit said...

Thank you L. So far no cake, but I do have sparkly bits on the jumper my mum gave me. And I've been out for lunch.

Thanks RR.

Greg Lestrade said...

Sherlock says he'll make you a bright orange cake.

Joolz said...

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today, Greg, and it's good that you feel comfortable admitting to those feelings too as I don't remember you being as open when you started this blog, so you're obviously better off emotionally and with great people around you for help and support. Everyone needs a bit of time to themselves when they feel like that so don't feel bad about going off for a ride, I'm sure John doesn't mind when you need time to get your head into a better place again. It must be especially hard when children are involved as you have two at home and from the things you've been through yourself so you can see it from all sides. I hope you've just had a nice quiet day being able to reconnect with John and enjoy your time together and recharge your batteries before you're back into the fray again.

Have fun with the pumpkin carving later, boys.

Happy birthday Small Hobbit.

On a separate note, is it some kind of special harvest day today, I've seen more than 20 tractor trailers out on the roads? (though I'm sure you haven't had that problem in the city)

Greg Lestrade said...

I can't tell you how much easier it is, knowing John understands. It's just... A world away from where I was before.

Joolz said...

That is the important thing, isn't it. Having someone there that cares. You're a lucky man. You're both lucky men, come to that, as it works both ways and I'm sure John would agree that you give just as much support as you receive. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

I hope so. I don't feel as if I'm nearly as good at it as he is, but he'd probably claim the same.

John H. D. Watson said...

I would. You know me well.

Greg Lestrade said...

Well, when someone makes you feel better you can immediately attribute that to them, can't you. When someone says you've made them feel better you've no idea if they're just putting it on so you don't feel like you've failed. So easier to know its been done to you that know you've done it.

If Sherlock slits one of my arteries open carving this pumpkin you better be ready...

John H. D. Watson said...

I suppose that's true. You do make me feel better though, every day.

I'll be prepared for any and all pumpkin related injuries.

Mazarin said...

I've never been more glad for the invention of safety bladed pumpkin carving sets in my life than when I watched my son hacking away at the massive, 12 lb pumpkin he had us buy for him. I remember my sister and I going after pumpkins with kitchen knives, and frankly, I don't know how we didn't lose fingers. Or eyes. Or limbs.

On a side note, I found my pretty, pale orange "fairy tale" pumpkin had sprouted inside when I opened it up. I tried to save the little seedlings by planting them in a pot but I don't think they're going to make it.

Sherlock said...

I've got a knife Lestrade says you should always cut towards a friend so you don't hurt yourself.

Greg Lestrade said...

You make me feel better, too.

Later on you can tenderly pick pumpkin guts out of my hair, in a loving clinch on the sofa.

John H. D. Watson said...

I might need a head start. There's some on your ear.

Greg Lestrade said...

A very pumpkin-y Sherlock decided I needed a hug.

John H. D. Watson said...

Pumpkin guts are really...sticky.

REReader said...

But hugs are always nice. :)

Sherlock said...

Can I go and trick or treat Mrs Hudson now pleeeaaaase she said I could.

Hugs are only nice when you want hugs but Lestrade did even though now he says maybe not as pumpkiny hugs but I didn't have time to wash.

REReader said...

Hugs are only nice when you want hugs

Much more accurate, true. But if you do want a hug, I think it's well worth some pumpkin guts.

What did you carve into your pumpkin, Sherlock?

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm sure John will help me remove all pumpkin bits from me later, and it was a nice hug.

It sort of started out being a vampire...but it's more of a sort of spiky face. Terrifying, obviously.

REReader said...

"Terrifying" is the main goal!

Greg Lestrade said...

C'mon then, you little ghoul. Let's go scare an old lady by demanding sweets with menaces, before our baked potatoes are ready to eat. And no, you can't eat anything she gives you until after dinner. No arguments, or John will swoop in like the Jampire he is and eat all the sweet things.

Unknown said...

Greg, my sympathies to you and Nicky dealing with your mom. I remember what a time my sister and I had with ours, and that was with a mom who was overall pretty cooperative and trusting. I remember we had to really convince her that the assisted living place was not the "locked ward" she feared. But what a load off our minds when we got her settled there, it was so worth it. I truly wish you the best of luck in this whole process, it is difficult and emotionally draining at the best of times, and it sounds like you have a few extra hurdles to overcome.
S

Greg Lestrade said...

I think... I don't know. I find it hard to think she'll be happy anywhere, which is part of the problem.

Unknown said...

that's rough. :( we were lucky, our mom was so social, anywhere with plenty of people was bound to be a hit sooner rather than later. I think it's always hard to feel like you are giving up independence, we seem to have an almost innate drive toward being independent that's exercised for decades, and then... it's just really hard to give it up. I hope I'm as graceful about it as my mom was, for my daughter's sake.
S

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