1 November 2013

I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say, you're wrong

Evening all, hope you're not feeling too sick after eating all the leftover sweets.

Here's an excerpt from my day:


"Good morning, Sir. I'm DI Lestrade, and I'm investigating an incident from last night, on ***** street. I've been told you might know something about it?"

"Yeah," (over his shoulder, to two young children) "Shut the f... up! F...ing copper's here!"

I am invited in...

"So if you could tell me what happened, Sir."



"We was having a drink in the ***** and then when we went to go we was in the street and these f....ing arseholes turn up..." (to one of the small children, who has arrived to stare at us) "Fuck off, J****, go in the garden."

"Sir, probably best not to swear in front of the lad, yeah?"

Man looks completely surprised.

"Yeah, so they started on us."

"Can you tell me who 'they' were? A description, maybe?"

"Well, one c*** was shot, blood everywhere, another one was in like school uniform, one was a fucking pumpkin or summat."

"And when you say they 'started' on you..."

"Fucking shouting shit."

"What sort of things did they say?"

"Fucking...spells or shit, trying to be funny. Like, saying my missus was fat."

"Right...so what did you do?"

"Punched him. Wouldn't you? If he said your bird was fat? I mean she is, but you can't have some c*** say it and not do summat."

"...right. I am going to have to arrest you, Sir, and I must inform you that you have the right...blahblahblah"

Later on, it was established that a very drunk Harry Potter, a murder victim, and a pumpkin were on their way home, when Harry decided to try to put a spell on this man's wife to make her lose weight. And then on him, to make him better looking.

He didn't take kindly to that, so punched Harry.

The pumpkin decided to wade in, and attempted to punch my 'witness'. Then some of the witnesses friends also joined in, and we ended up with a pumpkin in intensive care, fighting for his life... (not that my 'witnesses' knew that at the time, as they'd run off before officers attended.)

So we've also got his mate, for...well, exactly what for depends on the guy in hospital...

Still, makes it easier when they confess like that. That sort of complete feeling that they were within their rights to punch someone.

Writing up fights on hallowe'en might not be any nicer than on any other night, but they do make for bizarre reading.

We also had a stabbed zombie and a few paranormal/undead sexual assaults.

It does make it hard to find suspects, if you don't have helpful people who know who's under the make-up around, though.

----

Anyway, have a dark song.

68 comments:

John H. D. Watson said...

I hope the pumpkin pulls through.

It must make for an interesting time trying to identify people. No, no that zombie, the other one...

pandabob said...

I know crimes aren't really funny but that write up would have to bring a smile to the face of anyone who read it ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

I called before I left work, and signs are good for the pumpkin.

It is a nightmare, especially as so many people are already wandering around covered in blood.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm glad it's looking good for the pumpkin. How surprised did the guy look when you arrested him?

Greg Lestrade said...

Um...fairly. But then again, he was adamant that he'd done the right thing that he sort of treated it as a minor inconvenience.

His missus was a bit more vocal - but only because he was leaving her with the kids and she wanted to go out with her mates!

rsf said...

Well, I'll give him points for being willing to do the parenting while his wife goes out. With the caveat that I'm not sure what he'd be teaching the kids.

Glad the pumpkin has a good chance of recovering though.

Greg Lestrade said...

Err...I would say 'willing' was a bit of a strong word.

You sort of get the impression that both of them found the kids a bit of an inconvenience. Despite, I presume, both being rather responsible for their existence.

You see some very strange ways people live their lives, in this job.

rsf said...

Not assuming that he would never need to do it, then? I run into a lot of families that think when dad is in charge of the kids he's "babysitting", as if he ought to be paid for the job. It gets old.

Thinking about fake blood and you guys, and I realized that you must really hate the new high tech costume things where it looks like someone's guts are showing and moving inside a wound. Makes me want to stick to the less grody end of the costume spectrum.

Greg Lestrade said...

I think 'babysitting' would be fairly apt to describe how the situation looked, yeah.

I'm not into hallowe'en at all - apart from pumpkin carving, which was quite nice. Can do without any dressing up, trick or treat, all of that.

rsf said...

Then you should probably not visit Salem, Massachusetts any time in October. :D

I like Halloween -- it's a good chance to be creative, and a last chance to kick up your heels before the gloomy weather arrives. Even though I was sick as a dog this year, I still had a little fun with the trick or treaters coming by. Also, working with kids I find that it's a good time of year to talk about the difference between things that are only meant to be scary and things that are really scary. We do a lot of deconstructing of costumes and movie makeup and CGI on the one side and a lot of "how do you find a grown up who can help" on the other.

Greg Lestrade said...

I'm entirely happy with bonfire night - just a cultural difference, I think. You lot probably wouldn't like everyone setting off explosives in their gardens and encouraging kids to play with fire.

We're not to keen on getting kids to demand goods with menaces ;)

rsf said...

*sigh* I miss having fireworks to play with. Never stops some people on the fourth of July, but it was great when I was a kid. Mind you, it's a lot warmer standing outside in the summertime. We didn't really need bonfires to keep our toes and noses from falling off.

Greg Lestrade said...

But you have to have the bonfire to teach your kids that people with views you don't agree with should be burned at the stake ;)

rsf said...

Do the children still run around asking for pennies for the Guy? I remember reading about that and thinking it was awfully like trick or treating.

Greg Lestrade said...

I haven't seen anyone do it for years. But kids might, out in villages? I don't know.

I'd say it's not like trick or treating in that there is no 'threat' of a trick. (I know there isn't anyway, in most cases now. Although here eggs, flour and toilet roll are often banned from sale to kids in the days before.) You just ask for cash - or don't even ask, just walk around, hoping people will donate.

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger, home soon. Hope you are. I assume our small genius is still out? Want to crack open some wine? Thought I'd grab some cod or something, roast it up. Any special requests?

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm just leaving. It's a good thing Mrs H took him, I haven't been home once today. She's taking him to the fireworks tonight, too.

Cod sounds good, maybe with asparagus and a nap?

Greg Lestrade said...

Ha, okay, just at the shops now. You might be getting a nice dessert, too ;)

John H. D. Watson said...

:)

Greg Lestrade said...

...would you look at that. There's a warm sleepy doc on the sofa, wearing a big woolly jumper.

And here's me, with cold hands and feet...

there is only one course of action to be taken.

John H. D. Watson said...

gahhhhhh

Greg Lestrade said...

you shouldn't look so warm ;)

John H. D. Watson said...

your hands shouldn't be so coldddddd

Greg Lestrade said...

They're not now, ta ;)

Feet still are though...

I hope Sherlock's having fun. I am a tiny bit jealous... but he'll still want to come with us, too, won't he - one round of fireworks will not slake his thirst.

John H. D. Watson said...

No amount of fireworks could do that.

Greg Lestrade said...

My husband is amazingly cute when napping ;)

I'm going to attempt to run some sort of interference when Sherlock bursts in and wants to leap on him...

John H. D. Watson said...

m'awake

sort of

Greg Lestrade said...

awake enough for small fry to hurl himself at you and talk about his adventures in Borneo and fireworks non-stop for 24 hours??

John H. D. Watson said...

...maybe? come and let me lean on you.

Greg Lestrade said...

Okay.

I miss him. Hope he's home soon. Wonder what they've done today.

John H. D. Watson said...

Me too. Hope they haven't really gone to Borneo.

Greg Lestrade said...

What're we going to be like when they've both grown up and moved out and can disappear off to Borneo any time they want? :)

John H. D. Watson said...

Well...we'll be able to disappear to Borneo too ;)

Anon Without A Name said...

I imagine you'll be spending a lot more time in bed. (What? Imagine all those lovely lie-ins) I'm sure Mycroft will send you postcards on a regular basis, at least, if he goes travelling :-)

Lestrade - I guess you must be happy with the football right now?

Greg Lestrade said...

Danger - I think we'd cramp their style.

Nameless - emails and texts, but yes, probably.

And I'm incredibly happy with the footy :)

John H. D. Watson said...

I meant on our own. Not necessarily Borneo.

Greg Lestrade said...

Ah, yes. Indeed we will. Places bike - accessible. (took me 3 tries to spell accessible.)

Anon Without A Name said...

Heh - showing my age, there :-)

Mycroft - I don't know if you're watching it, but there's a programme on BBC2 tonight, celebrating 50 years of the National Theatre, with lots of live performance of excerpts from some of their classic shows. Sounded like the sort of thing you might enjoy. It'll be on iPlayer if you missed it and fancied watching it.

Greg Lestrade said...

...and there's the thunder of small feet on the stairs.

I presume hopped up on toffee apples or something to have so much energy this late...

REReader said...

Or just excitement! Where did he and Mrs. Holmes actually go?

Joolz said...

I'm sure it's doubtful to hope that you had a lie in even after someone's late night. I hope he had fun with his Mum.

Hope you're making the most of your days off together and have fun with Mycroft if that's where you get to later. :)

Greg Lestrade said...

He did get up a little later! But not much.

Yeah, off to see Mycroft in a bit for lunch :)

Sherlock said...

We made Parkin and we're taking some to Mycroft.

REReader said...

What's Parkin, Sherlock? And did you have a good time with your mum yesterday?

pandabob said...

Have fun with Mycroft Sherlock :-)

Sherlock said...

It's ginger cake and it's got other things too and John said he used to eat it at bonfire night so we made it when he was asleep.

REReader said...

Oh, that was a very nice surprise for him then! Have a fun time with Mycroft and with bonfire night--is that tonight? (We don't have bonfire night here.)

Small Hobbit said...

RR:
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot,
I see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

REReader said...

Ah, thank you SH.

(We're supposed to remember the Alamo. Or the Maine. :))

Sherlock said...

Mycroft is learning GOLF

Kestrel337 said...

Is that the sport/game and the caps denote emotion, or is it all in caps because it's an acronym? One of my girls tried golf but didn't care for it much.

REReader said...

Golf courses are often quite lovely, and it can be a sociable kind of game. (Assuming you mean the game, that is.)

I prefer the martial arts, myself, but people should go with the things they enjoy--or consider useful, or both. Speaking of which, how's the Krav Maga going, John?

Greg Lestrade said...

Sherlock has just decided, without ever swinging a club, that golf is both stupid and boring.

But Mycroft may as well learn now, while it's free, if he's ever going to.

REReader said...

It can be a life-long source of enjoyment--and good exercise, if you don't use a cart. Sort of a reason for taking long walks in lovely parks, you know? It's a great way to see if he likes it, for sure.

pandabob said...

I had a friend who hated the idea of playing golf until he found that all the important decisions about work were made at the 19th hole, suddenly he had to find hundreds of pounds and many hours to pay for lessons and learn enough not to make an idiot of himself on the course. He still hated it but it was good for his career and that was the important thing ;-)

Greg Lestrade said...

RR - our long walks tend to involve hounds who chase anything that moves. Not good for golf.

AnonyBob - yeah, you never know when it might come in useful! I played a few times, when certain people thought it would help me climb the ranks. But decided I'd rather stay at the sharp end and spend my days off rebuilding bikes ;)

REReader said...

L, I was thinking more of a reason for taking walks rather farther down the road! (I know several golf enthusiasts in their 50s who swear they'd never do any walking if they didn't play golf. Since they live in the suburbs, it's probably true. :D)

And Anonybob, that was pretty much what I had in mind by "consider useful". :)

Greg Lestrade said...

AnonyBob - the school has a golf course (this shouldn't surprise anyone, I suppose), and I think a few of Mycroft's friends played before. It's got to be easier to learn at his age, hasn't it? (Hasn't everything?) and in the privacy of your own school...

I've told him I'll go to a driving range with him - don't mind the whacking part, without an audience ;)

We are home. Sherlock is eating Parkin, because he was 'dying' of hunger. John is too. Just because he wanted Parkin.

RR - Parkin is a cake made with ginger, treacle, syrup, oatmeal and brown sugar. It's supposed to be best a few days after baking. We will never have the chance to find that out...

REReader said...

That sounds like a very satisfying type of cake!

The only way ever cake lasted a few days around here was if it was put straight into the freezer after it cooled enough!

Mycroft said...

Thank you for coming to see me, and bringing the cake.

Between Bonfire Night and Diwali I think everyone in Harrow is now setting off fireworks. I hope you still have lots near you, too, for Sherlock's enjoyment.

pandabob said...

Learning with friends has got to be the best way to go with anything I would say Greg :-)

I hope you enjoy the golf Mycroft and any other things you get a chance to have a go at while at school :-)

We have rather windy weather just the minute so I'm hoping people are going to be careful with their fireworks if they're having them tonight.

Greg Lestrade said...

No problem, Mycroft.

There's still a fair few going off here. Sherlock is glued to the window, wants to go out for a walk.

Greg Lestrade said...

...I have been a cooking disaster today. Post-Parkin, that is.

John and I have Jam Roly-Poly for pudding (Sherlock had his ice cream a while ago) - what are the chances I can manage it without cocking it up??

pandabob said...

unless you've actually poisoned anyone I'm sure your cooking has been fine but good luck with the Jam roly-poly :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

Disaster is a strong word...

Greg Lestrade said...

I refer you to my blog post title.

Anyway...at least it looks like my jam loving boyfriend who I love might get jam roly poly...

Sherlock said...

He's your husband not your boyfriend except he's still a boy and a friend.

Greg Lestrade said...

Yes.

Can't even remember I'm married!

Post a Comment