Been staring at this blank page for quite a while now. And still not sure how I feel or what I think or how I say any of it. Here or to John or...anything.
Started so well. A solid arrest, based on good evidence.
Then this afternoon...it was horrible.
When I walked the beat, and was on treble nine calls all the time, well, inevitably, you see people die. From accidents, natural causes, all sorts. You're the one people call.
And that's...well, it's what you sign up for, and you sort of know. You get the calls over the radio, you get a bit of information. Even just a sentence. I don't know why it's different, it just is.
Today we were in the house of our suspect. Doing a search. I had a team of uniforms going through the house, I was downstairs, in the kitchen, talking to another family member. One who was understandably distressed, given the relationship between them and the suspect. But we were calming things down - trying to, explaining what would happen, how it would go.
Then there was a noise outside, and a kid slammed up against the back door - more than one kid. The door flew open, and he pretty much fell into the room. Already stabbed. More boys just...clambering over him, still trying to hurt him.
The officer I was with shoved some of them off him, I managed to grab his coat, drag him into the kitchen, we were all shouting, so uniform were heading for us.
We just tried to stop the bleeding. There was a lot. And as we were on the floor the kids were going for him and us.
It's...an odd feeling, when someone...stops being alive, under your hands. Can't describe it.
Uniform saved our skins, and then we're...it's just two of us, the other family member, and the kid.
We started CPR, but...you can't do it all, CPR and try to stem bleeding. We just kept going. I mean, you have to. You just keep going and hope when the paramedics show up that there's still enough for them to bring back. Hope there's something, and their magic machine can bring the person back.
It was only a small kitchen. There was blood soaking through our trousers. Running down my arm onto him. Just...you know, in this job, how much there can be, before...well, before you know there's too much on the floor, and nothing replacing it.
We just kept going.
And finally, when the ambulance arrived, for the first bit...I don't know, even when someone takes over, you don't want to stop.
They worked on him, but there was just nothing left. No life.
It wasn't a peaceful death. It was terrifying. He spent his last moments completely terrified. And it's hard to think about. Hard to know.
So...well, I won't be on that case now. And I've requested the whole investigation is turned over to the IPCC, just...to be sure.
So...I don't know. Feels quite surreal now. Can't quite believe it all happened.