This morning, before it was light, when John was telling me a liitle bit about his nightmare last night, he asked me a question. And now I'm sitting by myself on a cliff top, looking out over a sparkling sea, hoping to find an answer.
He asked me to move in with him and the boys.
And most of you (and half of me) is thinking there isn't any need to think for a second before giving an answer to that. I mean, I basically already live there. Most of the things I need day to day are there. And half of what was still at my flat has just been nicked.
So my mouth was open to say 'yes' even before the other half of my brain kicked in and stopped me dead.
Because...because I don't know how I feel about leaving my flat. Yes, it's stupid spending money on a place I visit so rarely. It's clearly a bad idea to leave it empty so much. I don't even remember the last time I stayed the night there.
But it's still there, even if I'm not in it. It's still mine. I've still got somewhere to go.
So i haven't given him an answer yet. And I honestly don't know what it'll be.
I've lost everything before. Found myself in the street with nowhere to go and I don't think I can risk it again.
96 comments:
Oh Greg! I think you need to do what is best for you, don't think about the money or whether it is stupid to keep somewhere you don't go. If you feel best knowing it's there, even if you change your mind 6 months down the line, John and the boys will understand and only want what is best for you. Feeling the way you do is natural, you are only going on past experience, and we are all products of our conditioning even if we don't want to be. Trust in their love for you, and follow your heart! (Sorry for the mushy ending and the interference, it was well meant)
Liz -x-x-x-
It's not interference. I sort of wanted other opinions, really.
Much as I want you to move in and be with each other all the time, I am a firm believer in instinct - if you've got fears or doubts, listen to them. And see if they're rational or not and then make your decision.
I don't see how moving in with John and the boys could end up with you out on the street; when that happened before, you didn't have the self-confidence you've got now, and you've got friends you didn't have before.
I feel a bit uncomfortable offering an opinion... I think this is one of those situations where you can list pros and cons and it still won't give you your answer. You have to go with your gut, I suppose.
I have a thing I do to help me make decisions in this situation, but it sounds really flippant, so bear with me. I toss a coin (no, wait, that's not all of it). It doesn't really matter what the result is at that point - what matters is my reaction to it. Am I relieved? Or actually a bit disappointed? It's that, my reaction, that helps me work out what I really want.
And I think this is about you trying to decide what you really want, and what you're really comfortable with. I suppose in some ways it's about a risk assessment - are you OK with the risk you're taking by giving up your flat?
When I moved in with my then-boyfriend, it was his suggestion. I didn't have a place of my own, I was relatively new to the area and was lodging with some people I barely knew. We spent three months solidly arguing; he felt I'd invaded his space, I felt trapped. It was hell. And then it wasn't, and things got better, and they stayed better.
I've never been where you are now, but I've been in the situation of knowing that if my relationship failed, I'd have nowhere to go. I didn't have friends I could crash with. I did have a metric shedload of insecurities. Moving in was, eventually, exactly the right thing for me, terrifying as it was; I have no idea if it's the right thing for you.
I hope you manage to find your right answer; I's clear John understands your need to take some time to consider it properly, which is a very good sign.
(Blimey, for someone uncomfortable with offering an opinion, I certainly talk a lot, don't I? Sorry about that)
I just wanted to say again, only if you want to, and it's really all right if you don't, okay? I don't want there to be any pressure, and I understand why it's a hard decision for you.
Innie - not on the street now, not exactly. Now i've got control over all my finances obviously I could find somewhere to stay. But the idea of having nothing is terrifying to me. I don't kn ow how I can explain that, really.
Nameless - The flipping a coin does sound like a good idea. Sometimes you do need to force a reaction to really know yourself.
John - I think...I might have a solution. Possibly. Something I think would...it would allay my fears. And probably be fairly practical.
Do you want to talk about it here or wait till you're back with us?
Here's fine. So, I don't know how easy it would be to sort out...but I'm sure it could be done without too much trouble.
I was thinking, I could let my flat out, and move in with you. And then...well, if anything ever did happen, then I'd still have the flat, and it would only take a month to get the tenants out and it could be mine again. And in the meantime, it wouldn't cost anything, because the rent they paid would cover the mortgage. And the place would be being used, not standing empty. And...I think I'd be okay with that. Probably.
I think that sounds just fine, love. Very sensible.
I don't want you to think this means I'm not committed to us. Because I am. And I know you'll say you don't think that, but...I wouldn't blame you at all if you did. And I'm not expecting anything to ever happen to mean I'd need to have the flat again, either. But I still need to know it's there. And I know you'll understand that I'll be a lot happier living with you, knowing it's still there. I don't want to move in and then get all panicky and be horrible to live with and for you to regret it all. And...well, you know exactly how it is when you get frustrated with your own irrational fears and everything, and...
And this is a stupid long excuse-filled way of saying I'd love to move in with you and I'm sure we can make it work out and I'm sorry in advance if I do or say anything silly just because I might get a bit stressed out at first.
And I love you. And thank you for asking me.
I understand. And I love you too, and it's really all right - if it makes you feel better to keep the flat, then you should absolutely keep it.
I'd love to move in with you
Best news I've had all year. That makes me...just incredibly happy. Thank you. And don't worry about the rest of it, we'll work it out.
That makes me...just incredibly happy.
Yeah, me too.
(I didn't quite flip a coin, Nameless. but nearly. I imagined saying no, and saying yes, and...yes is the right answer. With the above solution.)
And it's probably a bit late to check this but...I take it the boys and Mrs Holmes are okay with this, too?
Of course. And Sherlock says you should charge more rent than you're paying in mortgage (once he had the concept of mortgage payments explained to him) so that...do you want to guess?
...Yes, so you can buy him more ice cream. :)
Mrs Holmes asked me about it in July, actually. I have never met a more disconcerting human being in all my life. Glad she's on our side.
FINALLY! I ASKED YOU AGES BEFORE JOHN DID!
I'm really happy for you all :-D I assume there will be some celebrating tonight?
Lestrade - that seems like a very sound decision, and quite a neat solution. Nice one :-)
AW! I love you guys. This kind of made me tear up. <3
It sounds to me like an excellent solution, because no matter how much you want to ignore events from the past they won't go away entirely. This way you're more sure in yourself and you'll be happier in your decision. And it has the added bonus of potentially more ice cream for Sherlock!
And hugs carried over from John's blog, because you all deserve them.
Right. Yes, rent-for-ice-cream. Sherlock, I'll charge whatever the going rate is, and...well, yeah, there'll probably be enough for ice cream.
Mycroft, I'm glad it's okay with you, and sorry I didn't ask sooner.
Danger - yeah, me too. Although I suppose I am basically living there already, so it didn't take a big leap of the imagination...
Sherlock - you did, but...well, that's not quite the same as John asking.
I'm walking back. I think I can see you lot. I'm up on the cliff. Well, I can see three small (smaller, smallest) figures with two large dogs running rings around them...
There's an amazing little chapel up here. Apparently built in 1140ish. We should walk up here tomorrow. There's graffiti carved into the stone from 1665, and even earlier. It's...pretty mind boggling, actually. And a little monument dedicated to people who developed radar, right here, for the war.
sounds interesting yeah, we should do that.
Everyone ready to eat? :) There must be somewhere we can get celebratory cake, right?
I reckon if we drive into town then one of those restaurants by the harbour will let us sit outside with the hounds? And I'm sure there can be cake.
Lovely. As soon as everyone's finished chucking stones at the waves then. Not that we ever really finish doing that.
Think I've got a picture of you up on the cliff by the way. That is, I definitely have a picture, pretty sure it's you.
It sounds like a great solution, Lestrade! And I don't think it's silly or irrational for you to have been worried about it. Fear is like pain. If it's yours, it hurts, and just telling it to stop doesn't do any good.
I hope you all have a wonderful evening celebrating the occasion, and what better place to make a memory!
*Hugs to you all!*
Although I suppose I am basically living there already, so it didn't take a big leap of the imagination...
Yeah, but I was thinking about it for quite a while before she brought it up.
I'm glad it's okay with you, and sorry I didn't ask sooner.
You're already living with us. The rest is technicalities. But I am glad you've decided to make it official.
yeah, it's addictive, isn't it? Trying to undo the sea's work, throwing all the pebbles back.
Am I looking interestingly windswept and mysterious?
I...didn't know you'd been thinking about it for that long. Right.
Sorry. Is that bad?
And yeah, the whole process is sort of hypnotizing.
No! It's good. Or at least, it's not bad. I think I needed this amount of time living with you in a 'not living with you' way to get used to the idea. I think earlier might have made me feel rushed...or...I don't know. I sort of have to remind myself we haven't even known each other for a year yet.
This is the right time. But it's nice to know you've been thinking about it and you must feel like it's the right time too. Does that make any sense?
Oh good, all right.
Makes sense, yes, although I think I just got lucky in picking the right time.
If you've been thinking about it and not asking...and now you asked...I think you knew. Even if you don't know how you knew.
So happy for you guys. :D
Greg, I think that is a very clever solution. It's good to have a backup, even when you don't truly believe it will be necessary. Congratulations to you both--to you all, really, because you can tell bow excited the boys are too about this. <3
L - ...Yeah, maybe so. Sounds about right. How'd you get to be so smart?
Mazarin - thanks. :)
How'd you get to be so smart?
hanging around with these pesky kids, I reckon. ;)
And yes, thanks to all of you who offered advice, and who have wished us well.
My best friend's boyfriend moved into her place when I bought my own and moved out. I think it was a year and a half before he stopped paying rent on his old apartment (and he didn't own it and wasn't sub-letting). They joked that it was his over priced storage unit. They'd been dating 3 years before that and it's been 7 years since. It was what he needed to make it work and it did work. So if this is what will make it work for you - and you ultimately end up making an ice cream profit - then it's certainly the right thing.
Enjoy your celebratory cake.
KHolly - yeah. I think this'll work well. I hope it does.
And we did indeed find...well, lovely dinner and dessert.
Now I'm pretty sure we should head back, because Sherlock is falling asleep whilst on my shoulders and feels like he might fall off. Or drool on my head.
Or both, one after the other. Another point in favour of camping: there's been hardly any arguing over bedtime.
Oh, congratulations! I'm grinning even without being personally involved. *Skips and claps*
One sleepy Sherlock tucked up in bed. One fairly sleepy Mycroft reading in his sleeping bag.
One very delicious doctor, disappointingly not in my sleeping bag.
Just brushing my teeth. Otherwise you won't want me in your sleeping bag!
well...our sleeping bag, technically.
Whoever invented sleeping bags that zip together needs some sort of award.
Spider's keeping your side warm.
Our sleeping bag, our tent, our enormous Spider. Heh.
And now I've replaced Spider. Better?
Better. Brilliant, in fact.
I love you.
I love you too. A really astonishing amount right now.
you're just sickly cute aren't you
the butcher and the candlestick maker miss their companion
You guys get the weirdest spam/trolls, don't you? Still, I suppose silly riddles are better than homophobia and threats.
Congrats to the four of you! :)
Nameless, I'm assuming that the butcher and candlestick maker comment is because they can both bake brownies and stuff with things. The butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. I guess.
Sherlock, my brother proposed to my step mother before my dad. He said he thought she would be a good step mom about six months before my dad proposed. Sometimes the kids are more on it than the adults.
Congratulations, guys! That's awesome.
Oh, \o/ Hooray! What lovely news. And a sensible arrangement, too. Congratulations, guys!
Lurker here just wanting to add my 2 cents. I think it's quite smart to hang onto the flat, Lestrade, and not just for the reasons you listed. With property prices so high in London, you don't want to just let go of a place in a good area. It can also be a future income earner once the mortgage is paid off.
Oh congratulations! That's wonderful guys! I'm so happy for you!
And thanks to strange anon, all I can think is: rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub. You know, the butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker. That's gonna stay with me.
Congrats again!
Bronwyn
Hey all, an anon, probably the same one that's on here left a riddle that added up to 221b... what that has to do with baking I don't know. Maybe an address? If I lived there I might want to move, because that's just creepy.
The other riddle was on John's post.
Glad you figured out a situation that works for all of you. It sounds very sensible.
I thought the honeybee 'riddle' was just a spam-bot being incomprehensible, but the butcher and candlestick-maker one seems more like a real riddle. Odd... maybe the boys will be able to figure it out.
Oh dammit. I sort of figured out what anon was driving at BEFORE I saw that they'd left a creepy little gift on John's blog. Thank God Mrs. Holmes monitors these things.
There's another on John's? Is this getting creepy again? *goes to look*
TTFN,
Bronwyn
Oh no, I hope this is nothing sinister... We internet busybodies do worry about you, L and J.
I'm very happy for you guys. :) And I'm shocked that Mycroft even used an emoticon! ;)
Azure - there has been a distinct lack of baking the last week or so, true. What with references to lots of bees over on John's blog, maybe someone's trying to ask for honey cake? Or honey biscuits? Or... something. *is confused*
Yeah, that's a bit creepy. Our 'normal' troll sticks to homophobic remarks and commentary... Mrs H, can you let us know if anything's wonky?
John + Greg: EEEEEEE! So excited for you both! I think keeping the other flat and renting it out makes sense even if Greg didn't have his past experience making him want to keep it. More ice cream and other treats (such as lovely pants from that site you both like ;D ) for everyone! I'm just happy my favourite 'chosen' family is going to be under one roof officially.
Sherlock: When you get home, can you draw us a picture of everyone to celebrate?
I wouldn't worry about the weird comments, folks. We've got Mrs H, Anthea, and the two brightest boys in the world on our side! (not to mention two big dogs)
Mycroft and Sherlock are currently finding out every single thing there possibly is to know about coastguards, shipping, boats, radar and everything else, because we've walked up by the coastguard lookout, and the two blokes in here are more than happy to tell them everything...although they may regret saying that when they realise how thorough these two can be in their lines of questioning.
Let's just hope they don't get on to currents and tides and where bodies might potentially wash up...again.
On the plus side, Jason was really enthusiastic about bodies and shipwrecks.
However, Bob looked terrified he'd be stuck on his own in the wilds with him for the next 8 hours or so, after his knowledge of deaths at sea came out...
Sherlock, of course, would happily have spent eight more hours with him.
Although looked rather disappointed after all that information on bodies when Jason admitted he'd never actually seen one...
Can we go to the old quarry and have a bonfire and sleep there and I don't want to go back home, because then Lestrade will go back to work and we have to go to school and this is more fun.
I'm not actually sure we're allowed to have a bonfire there. Lestrade? Are there rules about that sort of thing?
I'm off duty and on holiday. I know nothing about rules.
People obviously do have fires there. I expect no one would ever notice. It might be private land though...
In short, I don't know. I don't think it would be a good idea to sleep there, thpugh, the rock doesn't look that safe.
Isn't the sunset gorgeous?
Okay can we just stay here then, forever? We all like it and so do the dogs and we could still visit London sometimes.
And we could get a bigger tent and Nicky and her family could come and visit us. The dogs really love it here.
And we could make our living by turning 'stuff and things' into a weekly column in a newspaper, and a best-selling book, and luring ships onto the rocks, stealing their cargo and holding their wealthy passengers to ransom!
YES!
When will I learn...
Never. :)
You show such faith in me!
Sherlock, time all good little smugglers were in bed, I think.
Anyway, you all just persuaded me to move in with you, and now you're saying we should stay in a tent forever!
You'd still be living with us. It doesn't really matter where.
Well...could se at least build a cabin or something? The tent might be chilly in the winter.
What about your plan involving a cave? That might be a bit chilly too though.
Yeah. We'd have to hunt a woolly mammoth for its skin to make a big warm fnug for us all.
A big warm whatnow?
A fnug?
A fnug... a duvet. A big warm thing that covers your bed.
I have no idea why I call them fnugs. I think it might be a trade name... it's what my Mum used to call them.
Woolly mammoth duvet, right. Sounds...toasty. Possibly also a bit smelly but we probably will be too in the winter.
speak for yourself.
Sherlock was out like a light again. He's certainly living life to the full here.
I don't really think I want to go home, either.
Are there hot springs in this cave of which you speak? Because I don't think woolly mammoth hunters get to check into a local hotel for a bath.
You could open Back to the Fuchsia here.
there's the sea! What more do you need for a wash??
I'm quite happy with my earlier plans to keep us going. Shipwrecks, your cook book and maybe your erotic writing...
In the middle of the winter? It's cold enough in August!
If we're going to be pirates and smugglers, someone will definitely offer us both book deals if we keep blogging about it.
You can shiver my timbers anytime, Danger.
Now for instance?
As long as you don't splice his mainbrace....
Aye aye, matey.
Washing in seawater can lead to chafing in uncomfortable places, just so you know.
Damn, ther goes a perfectly good plan. Suppose we'll have to go back to London then, and I'll have to go back to work... (Danger, of course, not ever getting time off work - even on holiday!)
You two!
I stop reading the blogs for a few days, thinking you're safely on holidays and you won't update...and then you do this!
I'm so pleased for both of you - all four of you!
John, thank you so much for being a simply wonderful person, and for showing Orio how loved he is.
And we can't wait to see you at the weekend.
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