Thanks to all of you for all your kind comments about me seeing Bryan.
Like I said, I always knew there was a chance I'd see him around town, but I don't suppose I'd really thought about how I'd react to seeing him with someone.
So...well, I could go on, but then you'd all comment being nice again and we've all done this before, and to be honest, it's not really what I need. Which isn't to say that you're not all right, or that I don't appreciate your support, but it doesn't change how I feel - have felt for a long time now. I think only time, if anything, can do that.
I've said it before...I wish I'd done a lot of things differently in my life. But any single thing might have meant I didn't end up here, now, and I wouldn't change that for anything.
41 comments:
You're entitled to your feelings, L--they are, after all, your feelings.
I hope it's okay to say that I'm very glad you are where you are, with the people you are with, here and now.
Life is a funny thing but somehow it always seems to work its self out in the end :-)
I hope you're asleep now Greg and that you haven't been awake all night!
Anonybob
I think as an adult there are always going to be things that you're going to be unhappy about, for whatever reason. There are things I've done that make me disappointed in myself, things that have happened that make me feel sad or angry or hurt, things that didn't happen that I feel should have, etc. But there are things I'm proud of, things that make me happy, and times when everything's seemed to go well. I hope you have more of the latter, but I wouldn't want you to give up the good parts of yourself that come from the former. I think Doc said the only good thing about pain is that it teaches empathy, which all indications on here show you have in abundance and is a true blessing to those of us who have found ourselves in situations like yours. We trust you to do what's best.
You'll let us know if there's anything we can do? If not, we'll just sit here drinking tea and waiting with a pile of Marmite (even typing that makes me gag) sandwiches for you. <3
Greg - I hope you're sleeping right now, wrapped up in your doctor's warm embrace. You're a better man than your ex-husband, and you're perfectly entitled to feel whatever you feel. I have no idea what I'd do if I ever ran into a certain person in my past -- turn the other cheek, throw up on his shoes, pretend he doesn't exist, dump scalding hot coffee in his lap? *shrugs* Who knows? Anyway, he might have a hot young thing, but you have a family. =)
DW - About yesterday's comment...I had a very bland Tuesday, but went home feeling like I'd made a major mistake over this one little thing, but didn't know why. Cried myself to sleep. Then yesterday, five or six people told me what a great job I was doing and how they appreciated what I brought to the company. It was nice, and odd. In a good way. I still don't know what brought that about.
~ A from NW
Thanks all of you.
Just woke up on the sofa with an armful of Danger. His plan to get me back to bed seems to have failed...
Apparently he operates under the principle of "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed..."
Lucky you. :)
I was intending to go back, but we got talking and ... yeah, both pretty tired I guess.
Went back to bed just in time to get a Sherlock in with us.
DW & L - if there are any of those marmite sandwiches going spare I won't mind a few.
I wouldn't expect your feelings to change overnight but I know that if I'm having a bad day it always helps to have someone around who makes positive comments, and I try to do the same for my friends in turn. As DW said you've helped us in the past, so we're only reciprocating.
AfNW - very pleased to hear that you've been getting good comments at work - it's nice to know you're appreciated. Excel spreadsheets - wonderful things - you just have to ensure they know you're the boss.
No worries, SH, they're magical sandwiches. More than enough for anyone who wants them.
Well done, AfNW. Sounds like you've found a good place to settle in. :)
Lestrade, I'd imagine there are worse places to wake up, but are you feeling it today? I've heard that at a certain age the body just can't handle those things anymore. :P Did you figure out bank holiday schedule?
Eep! This thunderstorm must be directly overhead--interesting sort of way to be woken up, gotta say! (Not as interesting as Sherlock climbing in with you, perhaps, although probably louder!)
Hope you're not feeling the lack of sleep too much, Lestrade.
It's difficult, isn't it, when you know you've changed, and you've gotten... well, I don't want to say "stronger", but, perhaps, better equipped to deal with crap, to look back and think "If I'd been then, the person who I am now, I would have acted differently". Pointless and destructive thinking, but it doesn't stop those thoughts worming their way into your head and psyche.
If you find an answer, other than time and a life well-lived, let me know. Mind you, sometimes a life well-lived is enough; and I think you're doing pretty well on that score :-)
In the meantime, DW - I'll have a cup of tea, thanks, and let Lestallion and SH have the marmite sandwiches *shudder*
AfNW - SH is right, spreadsheets are tricksy buggers, but I've found that once I've trained them into submission, an afternoon of Excel-wrangling can be quite Zen. Just don't let them smell your fear, otherwise you've lost. Also, it's lovely that people are telling you how much they appreciate you; you must be doing really well :-)
AfNW - really glad you're doing well, and that people are appreciating it!
Nameless - I am definitely better equipped to deal, but yes, it just twists your mind. I do know that, at the time, I wasn't able to do what I now would have liked, and I have to be at peace with that fact.
I hope it helps some to know that now you'd be able to act differently, L.
I just realized it's May 4--May the Fourth be with you! (It's Star Wars Day. And me without a slave girl costume to my name! :))
I read this last night, and hadn't the slightest idea what to say that would be at all apt, or helpful, or whatever.
Still have no idea what to say, but...well, yeah. Time and love, that's all.
(and as for Star Wars Day - mommy got her own lightsaber yesterday and now there's a three-way fight in the backyard, instead of just two-way!)
It doesn't really help, no. In the situation I was in - the one that needed reporting, I wasn't able to. Outisde that situation, when nnothing needs doing, I would be able to. It doesn't help or not help, it just is.
Sherlock was very, very lovely this morning, whilst insisting I had to carry him around the kitchen because he couldn't touch the floor ( I don't know why), he said that the only good thing about Bryan being horrible was that now I could meet John and Mycroft and him, whereeas if Bryan had been nice I might not have. And it is very nice to know he's glad to have us, just like we're glad to have him and Mycroft.
Crocodile floor wasn't it? ;-)
The innocent selfishness of kids is just wonderful :-) John would never say 'I'm glad Bryan was a git because I got to meet you and I wouldn't have if he wasn't' because as adults we see all the other possible meanings of the words and worry how people will take it but kids just say it and you know exactly what they mean and it's just a smiley moment :-)
Anonybob
Maz--Yay for lightsaber-wielding Mom!!! Have a blast (see that pun there about blasters? :D)!
That was indeed very very lovely of Sherlock, all the more so because he was just saying exactly what he feels.
DW - my neck and knee are feeling it.
Still, nearly the weekend :)
Just about another hour and that's it for you, if I have the time right...woo hoo for the weekend!
Even now, I sometimes wonder how I would get from room to room should the floor mysteriously turn to lava. Good thing I have a balcony off of my room. :)
Warm fuzzies and tea to all!
Sounds like you've got very special people in your life now.
We had a maypole at school today and Mrs T taught us some dances and it was brilliant and sometimes school is good because you can't do a maypole dance on your own.
That is very true, Sherlock.
that is the advantage of school Sherlock :-) glad you had fun.
Anonybob
I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself, Sherlock! It is fun to do group things sometimes. (I love dancing, too! It's my favorite thing about weddings.) :)
It was really funny when we went wrong and had to try to go backwards and undo it when we didn't know how and I had a green ribbon.
Ha! Yeah, in most dancing you don't get to see the mistakes in tangles of ribbons! (Green is a great color for a Maypole ribbon--very spring-like!)
Sherlock, that sounds brilliant! You seem to have a real affinity for all kinds of dancing, are you curious at all about different kinds of dance? It's pretty interesting, in my humble opinion, and great fun :)
L - I know you have some misgivings about your past actions, that you're definitely allowed to have, after all you know best what happened and how you felt. But you certainly shouldn't have any about your present actions, even your reactions to running into him. The grace, wisdom, and level-headedness you've displayed in the face of adversity has greatly inspired me (and likely the other badgers.
I recently got out of an emotionally abusive friendship/relationship and it took me until very recently to realise that it was abusive. I want to thank you, simply by leading by force of example I've been able to release them from my life, and more importantly, realise that I wasn't in the wrong, no matter what other people said. So thank you, for your courage and openness.
Jaws, that... you don't know how glad it makes me to know that sharing has helped anyone else. It hasn't always been easy, or pleasant, but knowing it's helped makes me very happy.
And now I need to go and hug John.
Well done you Jaws :-) that takes some strength!
I'm not sure I know of another family who are willing to be so open and helpful to others in so many ways as these four boys.
Hope you have a lovely evening John, Greg, Sherlock and if you see this you too Mycroft :-)
Anonybob
Jaws--That was a brave thing to do, and it was a brave thing to share it. Thanks for being an example in your turn.
You okay there, L?
In case I don't get back here--things are getting rather hectic in my house!--have a wonderful weekend, Shabbat shalom!
Yeah, I'm okay. Just find it a lot harder when people are... affected, or... just, knowing I've helped a bit, is much more emotional, to be honest.
Sherlock's "can't touch the floor" sounds just like what I spent the last four hours doing. It's a Leadership Reaction Course we "borrowed" from Britain. Details are here, but basically it's a time-constrained set of physically challenging problems you have to solve with your flight.
I'm sure you guys would like it if you could find something similar nearby. Lots of problem solving, physical activity, and getting the right solutions is absolutely awesome. Although after six hours of sleep in the last three days I'm absolutely shattered, my flight was 19 for 21, so we're pleased as hell. :)
crappy internet hugs heading your way again Greg, John's are better I know :-)
look after yourself Mr, you're a very special guy and we are all very lucky to have you bother even to talk to us never mind inspire us to sort our lives out :-) :-)
Anonybob
Greg, I posted a while ago on your blog about my past relationship and how I was basically a walking cliche. It was the first time I ever shared that with others, and I'm thankful for the environment you provide here that gave me the courage to say what I needed to.
Although I made bad decisions, and stayed in the relationship far longer than I should have, I ended up meeting the guy again a few years ago.
He's stationed in my state, a few hours away, and he wanted to see me. For reasons I won't go into I said yes.
It really just drove home for me how far I have come. And I think, with Bryan, it's easy to forget how far you've come as well.
It seems to me that, where Bryan has remained static in his behaviors and attitude, you have grown and flourished. You are as far removed from the man who was married to him as I am to the girl who allowed a man to do things to me that really can't be described any other way than not good.
I don't regret my actions or my decisions. They make me who I am, and have allowed me to learn many things I wouldn't have otherwise. The experiences were bad, and they have altered my behavior. But I know I'm stronger than I ever was, and know myself better. I would bet the same applies to you. And on that note, I'll change the subject.
Sherlock, you day sounds like it was a lot of fun! I love Maypoles, they're so pretty when they're finished!
I'm so sorry if I upset you Greg, I never meant to, just to express my gratitude.
And thanks Anonybob and ReRe, but honestly what took the most strength was what came after, trying to build a relationship with someone else, who's worth it and proves it every single day.
And now I'm going to bed, to wake up in 3.5 hours, oh well...night everybody!
No, no, you didn't upset me! It's just overwhelming to think I've helped a bit, that's all. It means a lot that you shared that with us - me. Im very glad that anything good has come from it.
Sherlock is cleaning my bike :) spending extra-long on the bits he can only reach by sitting on it...
Heh, he's not daft, is he?
Hope everyone enjoys their various planned activities today :-)
The rate he's growing, he's probably due another go on it. But it'll still be a while before he's big enough to ride on the road.
And did the bike come out gleaming? (I guess yes, especially the bits he could only reach by sitting on it... :))
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