25 October 2011

Mistakes

Shouldn't be on here. Should be sleeping.

I'm in court in the morning. I still get nervous, after years of testifying.

This time maybe with good reason. Not there to watch someone go down for a crime.

There to face my husband. To make him my ex-husband.

I haven't told anyone. I haven't told John, or Nicky, or anyone. I wanted to, but every time I tried I just couldn't get the words out. Couldn't explain. Can't tell them I don't want them there, I don't want them to even think about it. Don't want them to know until it's over. Don't want this to hurt anyone else.

I know if I told anyone then they'd be sympathetic and want to help and I can't face that, because if I let myself go for one moment I don't think I can hold myself back together again and I have to.

Sometimes you just have to do things on your own. And know that at the end there'll be people there for you. And I do know there will be.

I hope none of them read this until I'm there, phone off, away from everyone. Maybe I should just delete this. But somehow it's easier, telling the internet. It's sort of, telling someone, without having to face the reaction. I don't want to see a reaction. If I do post this I'll be ignoring comments until after.


I'm sorry, John. I know you'd want to help. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to tell you. I'll call you and the boys as soon as it's over.

I will be okay.

101 comments:

REReader said...

You will be okay.

And, for what it's worth, you have us behind you, too.

hsavinien said...

If it's something you need to take care of yourself, that's all right. You can do it and then you can go home and react to it.

All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.

Mycroft said...

I know I'm not supposed to be awake, but I am, so...good luck. We'll be here when you get back.

Anonymous said...

Greg - You're stronger than anything that happens in that courtroom today. No matter what, John and the boys are going to be there for you at the end of the day, and like ReReader said, for what it's worth, you've got scores of people cheering for you.

*hugs*

-A from NW

piplover said...

Lestrade -

Only the dead have no fear. It's being able to face the fear that defines courage, and I think you're very brave. Once it's over and you can react, we'll be here for you.

Ria said...

I know that you don't need our support, because you've got what it takes to do this alone, but I'm really glad that you know that you've got people who are there for you, no matter what.

I don't know if this is how you're feeling, but there have been times in my life when I needed to do something by myself just to be sure that I had the strength to get through it without leaning on someone. Your ability to stand on your own two feet and face him will be a real boost when you look back on it in the future, as shitty as it feels right now.

Know that John, the boys, and a fairly big slice of the Internet are here for you, hoping that this goes as painlessly as possible. Good luck. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from the people around you-- I'm pretty sure you'll find that making you feel better will make them happier than anything else.

Bronwyn said...

I know I've said it before, but I say it again because it seems appropriate.

It matters not how straight the gate, how carved with punishments the scroll, I am the Master of my Fate. I am the Captain of my Soul.

Go kick righteous ass, Greg. It can even be metaphorical, righteous ass. But kick it hard and know that we all love you dearly.

Courage,
Bronwyn

Becca said...

Sometimes you have to prove things to yourself. Then you get to go home to John and Sherlock and get hugs and jumped on.

Elizabeth said...

I can't compete with Walt Whitman (nice one, Bronwyn) on the "Take courage!" front, so I'll just say that there are a lot of people rooting for you. You've got this.

And then, yes, you will get some truly epic hugs.

Small Hobbit said...

I'm right there with Ria in that there are a lot of us rooting for you today and with Bronwyn saying you are the Captain of your Soul.

And you are right - there are some things that you need to do by yourself. However you may feel you are strong and I admire you for it.

Nicky said...

I wish I could be there to give you a hug, Orio.

You know we're all with you in spirit.

Call me when you can.

Love you, big bro.

Trills said...

I know you're not religious but I'm with you in prayer, Greg.

Go get 'em. You can do this.

Anon Without A Name said...

Blimey.

If I were in John's shoes, I'm not quite sure what I'd be thinking right now. I bet he hugs the stuffing out of you when you get home though.

Everyone here is right; you're stronger than anything that gets thrown at you today. I hope you get the result you want, as painlessly as possible.

*thoughts* and *support* and *hugs*

Anon Without A Name said...

Oh, and Mycroft - everything OK?

Kira said...

Franklin D Roosevelt said 'there is nothing to fear but fear itself' - he was an idiot.

Memories can hurt and cause terror

To face someone who treated you like he did takes enormous courage... asking for help takes even more.

Just remember that you have family now... biological and other... let them all love you and take away the sting and the pain and the shame you must be feeling.

The ending of a marriage always leads to looking back and wondering, just please take it from a survivor that hindsight will hurt in this case... let John hold you, Mycroft hug you and Sherlock glomp you and demand cake... it'll help!

We are all here for you

Kira
xoxo

Ro said...

Thinking of you, Lestrade. Hope it goes well.

Tink said...

Hey internet big brother type person: if I were there, I'd hug the stuffing out of you too. Listen to Bronwyn (and Whitman!), you are the captain of your soul, and you'll get through this all the stronger.

So even though you've got your phone off and stuff, you should be getting all the love and support from all of us from the sheer amount being sent out.

*HUGS*

mazarin221b said...

We're all here behind you, always. An entire legion of supportive internet people, here to back up all your RL people who love and adore you. All the best today.

John H. D. Watson said...

I love you. Come home soon.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I..I don't know what to say. I'm sitting here, in the sun, and I've just read all your messages and...I'm really touched. There are tears in my eyes. Thank you, all of you.

John, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I can only hope you understand.

As for today - it's all done. It went better than I expected, better than I ever hoped it could. He backed down, I've got the conditional order. In six or seven weeks the final order will be done and that's it, over.

My emotions are all over the place. But now I just want to hug you all. Thank you for your support, for me and John. Thank you.

John, Mycroft, Sherlock, how does cake and ice cream and pizza and the park and...whatever else you want to do sound for the rest of the day? And a bloody big hug.

Trills said...

*sends virtual hugs to keep you going until John, Mycroft and Sherlock get there with actual hugs*

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Thanks Tink.

I feel like I don't know what to do. Dance about and laugh and cry and...yeah, well, I'm just sitting with a big smile on my face, because you're all so very kind.

John H. D. Watson said...

That's amazing - really, really brilliant, I'm so happy for you, and relieved, and come home now so we can all hug you, yes? Cake and ice cream are certainly in order after that.

X said...

Glad that it's over, and that it went as smoothly as coils be expected for you. It must feel wonderful that he backed down. <3

Congratulations, Greg; now go home and get all those hugs that you deserve.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm on the way.

Obviously he hates me now more than most people I've put in prison. But he doesn't matter.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this, John, I really am.

John H. D. Watson said...

It's all right, and it's done now - more easily than I think either of us expected.

Anonymous said...

Obviously he hates me now more than most people I've put in prison.

It's sad how petty some people are. Legal stuff over who belongs with who and what stuff they get to keep... it's really sad how much trouble they can cause for their loved ones.

Sherlock said...

I would still kick him if I saw him.

Sherlock said...

And can we make pizza, I mean the dough and everything too??

mazarin221b said...

That's ok, Sherlock. I think most of us would want to, too. It's hard when you see someone make a person you love unhappy.

Congratulations seem odd in this moment, but I'm glad things went better than you expected, and soon it will all be over.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Yes, Sherlock, we can.

Thanks Mazarin.

Anon - It's not even that we've split property. I don't know what goes on in his head anymore.

John, countdown to hugs...about 3 mins. Prepare yourselves!

REReader said...

Lestrade...*hug*

(And breathe now, maybe?)


Sherlock--as a responsible adult, I ought to say you shouldn't kick anyone. However...me, too. ;)

REReader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
REReader said...

Oh, and as for this?

Obviously he hates me now more than most people I've put in prison.

This (at least the chorus) to him. :D

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm just about breathing, yeah. John may not be, now I've hugged him hard enough to crack ribs.

In the end, it was down to his lawyer. I know they'll fight any case for the fee...but I don't think Bry could pay without winning. And he wasn't going to win.

I do literally feel like there's a weight gone off my shoulders.

The final order will be the best Christmas present I could have wished for.

REReader said...

I do literally feel like there's a weight gone off my shoulders.

There is.

I'm so happy for you!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

And Sherlock has just dropped half a bag of flour on a dog. Which has shaken. Hard. Not sure if I'm crying with laughter, cos there's flour in my eyes or because I've been holding it in for so long...

John, help! :D

Sherlock said...

It wasn't my fault Phobos jumped at me!

John H. D. Watson said...

Flour dust is explosive when exposed to an open flame. Don't light any candles. That's helpful right? :)

Sherlock said...

Have we got candles? Lestrade do you still have a cigarette lighter?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Does that answer your question?
Let me put the dough to rise and I think we should go out and let the dust settle. Ice cream or cake is on me.

Sherlock said...

I want ice cream on top of cake.

REReader said...

Not sure if I'm crying with laughter, cos there's flour in my eyes or because I've been holding it in for so long...

D) All of the above. :)


Sherlock, could I borrow your metabolism for a bit?

Tink said...

Oh Greg! I'm so thrilled the bum backed down! (I will absolutely admit to being terrified that he'd make today even more hellish...) And you're absolutely right that the final order will make a fantastic Christmas present!

I know there is Kitchen Stuff happening (Sherlock, it's been too long since you drew us a picture and this sounds perfect!) but have you called Nicky yet? I think she'll be as happy as we are.

So glad you got through okay, and we all meant every word. We love you big guy.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

RR - probably, yeah. It was funny, as Sherlock disappeared in a cloud of flour.

And I want his metabolism too. I'm sure I run about nearly as much, it's not fair!. Oh, to be 40 years younger.

am now going to hold Danger's hand in the park.

Desert Wanderer said...

Congratulations, Lestrade. You deserve every good thing that's come your way and more, besides. Adding to the dogpile I'm sure you got when you got home.

REReader said...

Okay. I'm not sure that John or Lestrade are going to like this, but...

Sherlock, check out this video: Experiment: Flour on Fire.

VERY IMPORTANT!!! This can ONLY be done by/with an adult--John and/or Lestrade (or maybe your teacher in school)--because of the fire. Also, I would do this experiment outdoors, in a nice empty courtyard, not inside or near anything that will catch fire. And I would put a tile or something like that under the coffee can--and DEFINITELY not pick it up, that's stupid!

*ducks and runs*

Mycroft said...

It wasn't Phobos' fault. You know he gets excited when you cook.

I'm glad I'm not at school today. John was very worried earlier, and it's nice to be all together now.

Even if Sherlock is being greedy and eating cake, ice cream and every available topping.

Kholly said...

We would all like to kick him Sherlock. What makes us better than him is that we won't actually do it. And anyway, he no longer matters at all. He is in the past and you and Mycroft and John are in Lestrade's future along with baking and frog ponds and experiments and dogs and all the other good stuff. As it should be.

REReader said...

You okay, Mycroft? You sound a little, well, rattled, maybe.

And I am positive that everyone is very glad you're home today, too.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm glad you're here too. And thank you for the message earlier, it meant a lot to me.

And if Sherlock can't fit any pizza in later, that's his look out.

Sherlock said...

I will! I'm going to eat ALL the pizza!

Desert Wanderer said...

Esse est percipi, Mycroft. Sherlock is clearly only trying to save you from the stomachache of eating all that sugar alone.


...or something. ;)

Tink said...

Sherlock: Have you read the children's book 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'? Sometimes you remind me of him.

Mycroft: I'm glad you're there too.

John & Greg: Have fun holding hands in the park! Going to let Sherlock wear his wings?

John H. D. Watson said...

We are having fun, thanks. :) And Sherlock didn't speak up about the wings, so it's too late now, they're at home. Just as well; they're getting pretty dirty. I wonder if you can dry clean wings...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Mrs Hudson can clean most things...or knows someone who can.

Sherlock says I have to give him a ride home on my shoulders to chop up all the pizza toppings ready.

I suspect he's eaten too much to walk...

John H. D. Watson said...

I may have too.

Tink said...

John, the image of Greg giving you a piggy back ride is going to make me grin for a while.

Also, with Halloween sales over here in the states, I'd totally offer to get him even more wings (you can get fairly decent sparkly fairy wings for under $10 right now) if I could figure a way to ship them for less than they cost. :P

REReader said...

What you need is a dogcart! (The kind drawn by dogs, not a horse.)


Oh, to be 40 years younger.

am now going to hold Danger's hand in the park.


Holding hands in the park isn't the same kind of fun at 6, though... :D)

Tink said...

Mycroft: I would offer to get you a pair too, but I'd have to know in advance what you plan to wear to Pride next time so I'd know they'd coordinate... ;D

John H. D. Watson said...

I don't think there's a word for this creation. Pizza isn't sufficient.

REReader said...

Is a photo possible? If not, we'll settle for a list of toppings... :)

Tink said...

I'm assured that Pizza Capricciosa is the official name for that sort of thing.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I did give John a piggyback earlier. Think I might need to carry him to bed, too, after that pizza

REReader said...

You're just full of energy or something today!

*kisses forehead*

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Hah. He wriggled too much to go more than a few steps. It'll have to be a fireman's lift to bed...except given how full he is, that would probably end badly!

I'm full of all the joys of Danger and the boys.

John H. D. Watson said...

I think I ate too much pizza for you to carry me anywhere.

Anon Without A Name said...

Wonderful news, Lestrade, I'm so glad for you. Sounds like you have all had a great afternoon together :-)

REReader said...

How is this possible? I thought Sherlock was going to eat ALL the pizza!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sherlock ate all the pizza he put toppings on.

We all ate too much, but I don't think any of us care!

REReader said...

Ha! Good enough. :)

And now I'm hungry. For pizza. And it's only 4:00pm.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

There's no wrong time to eat pizza.

Ria said...

It's always a good time for pizza! May I take this opportunity to present the no-yeast pizza crust recipe? You can get from zero to pizza in half an hour. It's not nearly as good as real pizza crust, and it probably makes Italian grandmothers turn in their graves, but it's good for a quick, home-made dinner.

No-Yeast Pizza Crust
1 c flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/3 c water
2-3 tbsp olive oil

1. Preheat oven to 425
2. Combine flour, salt, baking powder,and water, then knead until smooth. Stretch or roll to your preferred pizza size and put in a lightly oiled pan (for a thick crust use a round cake pan, 9x13 for thin crust). Spread remaining olive oil on top of crust, add desired ingredients, and bake for 20 minutes.

REReader said...

True!

But our refrigerator is full of leftovers from that three-day holiday, and if we don't eat those first, they'll go bad. So, no pizza until there are no leftovers left over anymore.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

RR - Sherlock would put any leftovers on a pizza. No matter what it was. He asked for pasta and mashed potato on his.

His justification was that I was having egg on mine.

REReader said...

Oooookay then! :D

Here's the thing, though--I keep kosher. So I can't mix meat and dairy. And almost all our leftovers are meat/poultry, or at least prepared in pots that we use for meat/poultry. So I would have to have a cheeseless pizza, which to my mind misses the whole point.

The pizza will have to wait, that's all.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

(He didn't get them , obviously!)

Ah, I see your problem. Yes, cheeseless pizzas are a bit missing-the-point.

REReader said...

Believe it or not, I've seen spaghetti listed as a pizza topping in a shop or two. Couldn't really imagine it, myself...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I can believe it. People are strange!

REReader said...

Also, at least one of the shops was near a university. College students are stranger.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Ah, students, yes.

Danger, want me to carry you to bed? I think you deserve considerably more cuddles, really.

Ria said...

Hey, we resemble that statement!

I can't even object, because my standard pizza order is double pineapple, onion, and banana peppers.

John H. D. Watson said...

I can walk, probably. Bed would be nice though. You're back to work tomorrow?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I am indeed.

But, provided I'm not out bothering the criminals of this fine city, we could meet for lunch or something? I'd have to let you know. But it would be lovely to spend lunchtime with my three favourite boys.

And...thank you, again, for being so understanding. I did want to tell you. And me not managing it nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.

John H. D. Watson said...

Love to.

It's all right. I get it. I'm just glad there's an end in sight.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

There really is.

6 weeks and one day to wait, then £45 buys my freedom.

Which is...odd, I've got to admit. But great.

John H. D. Watson said...

Heh. Who knew freedom was so reasonably priced these days. Well. Monetarily speaking, at least.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

No price would be too great to get rid of him.

But I won't tell you how much it cost to get this far. Sherlock would hunt him down and extort every penny of it out of him to buy an Ice Cream Emporium.

John H. D. Watson said...

I'd probably help. Might need to be restrained from kicking him too.

John H. D. Watson said...

He could call his shop The Emperor of Ice Cream.

REReader said...

Oh, I'm sure that we, your faithful internet posse, could think of a few more, um, creative extortion techniques than kicking...

And Sherlock can always create a special stink bomb.

(Your captcha think I show initiv. :))

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Well, unless he decides to run me over with a bus, we don't need to think about him again.

He'd never sell any ice cream - just eat it all himself.

C'mon, bed. I need to wrap you up in the biggest hug ever.

John H. D. Watson said...

You have excellent plans.

Tink said...

I'm glad to see that what started out as awful and stressful day ended up with lots of love and hugs and being a family.

*hugs tight* So happy for you.

(Also, totally agree that Ex of Doom deserves to be kicked in the knee. Actually, right under the kneecap, as that will hurt the most. Alas, assault is one of those charges I've always tried to avoid...)

innie said...

John, you're just bound and determined to own my heart, aren't you? Poetry jokes! You lovely man!

L, I am SO HAPPY for you - you must feel as light as air.

Sherlock and Mycroft, hugs to both of you for being awesome.

REReader said...

Looking back over this post and comment thread before heading to bed, and, well...I guess everything feels a lot better now than yesterday at this time.

Good morning, guys! Have an awesome day!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

RR - you really can't believe how much better.

Sherlock asked last night if now I don't 'belong' to Bryan do I belong to him, Mycroft and John instead. I told him that some people say possession is nine tenths of the law, so I probably already belonged to them regardless - in as much as anyone belongs to anyone.

Thanks Innie, Tink. It really did go better than I ever could have dared to dream.

REReader said...

Sherlock asked last night if now I don't 'belong' to Bryan do I belong to him, Mycroft and John instead.

I think it would be right to say you, John, Mycroft, and Sherlock belong with each other.

Have a happy!

Anon Without A Name said...

I told him that some people say possession is nine tenths of the law

Hah - why do I think telling Sherlock that is going to come back and bite you on the bum one day?

I'm so so glad that yesterday went well. Have a lovely lunch with your three favourite boys :-)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Nameless - he'll discover I'm not one of the people who subscribes to that view.

Thank you, I'm sure I will. It's nice them being on holidays now.

innie said...

Speaking of literary wonders, might there be something in Greg the Florist's shop that could burst into bloom at this marvelous news?

Or maybe you could have some Anglo-Indian customers in desperate need of more blossoms for their Deepavali festivities? Happy Deepavali, everyone!

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