Shouldn't be on here. Should be sleeping.
I'm in court in the morning. I still get nervous, after years of testifying.
This time maybe with good reason. Not there to watch someone go down for a crime.
There to face my husband. To make him my ex-husband.
I haven't told anyone. I haven't told John, or Nicky, or anyone. I wanted to, but every time I tried I just couldn't get the words out. Couldn't explain. Can't tell them I don't want them there, I don't want them to even think about it. Don't want them to know until it's over. Don't want this to hurt anyone else.
I know if I told anyone then they'd be sympathetic and want to help and I can't face that, because if I let myself go for one moment I don't think I can hold myself back together again and I have to.
Sometimes you just have to do things on your own. And know that at the end there'll be people there for you. And I do know there will be.
I hope none of them read this until I'm there, phone off, away from everyone. Maybe I should just delete this. But somehow it's easier, telling the internet. It's sort of, telling someone, without having to face the reaction. I don't want to see a reaction. If I do post this I'll be ignoring comments until after.
I'm sorry, John. I know you'd want to help. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to tell you. I'll call you and the boys as soon as it's over.
I will be okay.