7 December 2011

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate...

Another day in the Stinky House of Stuff. Although today was less stinky because now all the animals have been removed the heating has been turned off, and it's pretty cold out, so the smell level has decreased. And we found some really expensive items. I'm really unsure whether we're looking at murder or death by misadventure here.

There was another Big Wing Op today. Domestic violence and hate crimes. Wonder if the Commissioner's been reading this blog...seemed oddly fitting.

Anyway, over 150 arrests. It all goes with a massive campaign against domestic violence we're having. 1 in every 5 murders in London is domestic violence.

So...yes, today I went back to the court, paid my money, made my choice. Now I just have to wait for them to find a moment to sign it all off and get the Final Order posted out to me (and to Bry, obviously).

I think...I think after my post about what advice I'd give to the boys, for the first time, I sort of realised part of what I have such issues with.

Reading some of you explaining how you'd physically fought off attackers...all I could think of was that I hadn't done that. I hadn't even escaped and stayed away. I just kept going back, cooking him dinner, washing his clothes, ending up in bed with him every night... I know, I know, different situation, but still. I knew all the theory, I told people who did report it what to do, I even remember the day that it struck me that I wasn't married to a bloke who just had a bit of a temper, but to an abuser, who knew what he was doing.

And finally, at the end, he threw me out. I didn't even make that choice. I could have, and I didn't. Then what? I didn't carry it through and finish it. I waited until I'd hurt John and half the internet was telling me I was an idiot to take that final step.

Just don't feel like I've ever been in control of any of the whole situation.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. It's done now, it's all over, bar the letter dropping on the doormat.

Time to get on with enjoying what I've got now.


Anon Without A Name said...

Seems like you took control today.

(FWIW, I think you took control the moment you decided to file for divorce - and don't mistake the fact that you got advice for it not being your choice - if not a hell of a lot earlier than that. Hell, keeping on trying to make it work was control of a sort)

Time to get on with enjoying what I've got now.

Amen to that :-)

KHolly said...

Well, today you signed that piece of paper and that's a bit of control. Take what steps you can manage.


1 in every 5 murders in London is domestic violence.
I kind of knew that, but still it's so very sad. It's about the same in our cities too I think.

REReader said...

I'll go along with the crowd, as it is what I was going to say anyway--you took control when you decided to file for divorce.

And I would guess--amateur psychology time, feel free to skip--that your situation growing up had an enormous amount to do with you not wanting to call it quits. That's taking control, too--determining that your life will be different. (Yes, you took it to extremes--maybe too much control? Doesn't matter. It's all part of you, isn't it?)


Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Thanks, all of you.

It just doesn't feel like it was me taking control at all. But I am glad I've done it, and that it's over.

And it has been far easier doing it all with John to support me than trying to get through it all on my own.

KHolly - we've just changed the way we respond to reports of domestic violence, which is excellent. Although should have happened years ago.

Small Hobbit said...

I'm with Nameless, you took control when you filed for divorce. And I bet you never criticised people who went back to abusive partners in the way you criticise yourself.

And yeah, you're one more step towards putting it all behind you.

I knew we'd be helpful in deciding which sort of longjohns you should have ;)

Sherlock said...

It's stupid because he's horrible and if you don't like him you should just be able to say that and all the other stuff in court is stupid because they don't even know anything about how horrible he is. You should just be able to say it and then it's done and wouldn't have taken ages like this has and I'd still kick him anyway.

Anonymous said...

Greg - *hugs* A little over two years ago, an older man who I saw as a mentor took advantage of my trust and good nature. What he did to me wasn't abuse or assault, and wasn't quite harassment, but it was certainly unwelcome.

One of the biggest issues I struggled with in the aftermath was that I didn't feel like a victim. I got into the car with him of my own free will. I never pulled away from him. I never said 'no.' I never said, 'stop.'

Instead, I felt like a right idiot when my friends pointed out to me that the signs were all there from the start, that he wanted me to be the "other woman" when I thought he was just being friendly to a potential protege. They had been sending up red alarm flags from my first meeting with him, and I still saw him a second time.

To this day, I still have difficulties thinking of myself as a victim, but I've learned to stop beating myself up for not acting at that moment, for not reacting and saying "I've got to get out of here." What he did to me is a reflection on his character, not mine. I didn't ask to be his victim, and you didn't ask to be Bryan's.

You might have stayed in that relationship for longer than you would have liked, and Bryan might have "ended it" by breaking up with you, but you never went back to him and have, instead, chosen a better life without him. That's the important part.

*hugs again*

~A from NW

REReader said...

Sherlock, I know Lestrade appreciates your wholehearted support enormously. He needs to do this separating the legal way, however slow, because he did the attaching the legal way, so this a more final separation. (Even more than you kicking him.) It's okay.

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade, you're far too hard on yourself. But you knew that already,so, I'll throw in a hug for good measure.

And wonder just how much of that glitter you're going to get all over John :-p

Piplover said...

Lestrade, I'm not going to anon for this, because I think it's an important issue, and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

I was engaged to a man who was 11 years older than me and, unknown at the time, still married to the mother of his two children.

I was engaged to him for 3 years, even after I found out he was married because he kept assuring me he was going to leave her. Looking back on it, at times I don't think I could have been any more of a cliche.

And then I think of other parts of that relationship and realize, yep, I could be.

He was the one who would not stop when asked to. In fact, it would often take me having a panic attack, during an asthma attack, before he would stop. At the time I laughed it off, and blamed myself for... I'm not sure, really.

The thing is, it's very easy to look at a situation from the outside and say, "Well, clearly you're an idiot!" It's quite another to be living it and trying to convince yourself that you can make the situation work if you just try harder.

Some people are able to leave. Some people never do. Some, like me, convince themselves that everything is fine, until the other person tossed them aside. Yes, he was the one who left me, not the other way around. And it's only now, after 5 years, that I can look back and say, "Thank God! What was I thinking?"

Because no matter how many people told me he wasn't good for me, it wasn't a healthy relationship, I was much better at convincing myself that I could still make thinks work if I tried harder.

So, not that I've left this horribly long comment, I'm going to go hide, lol.

KHolly said...

Pip, HUGS!

Piplover said...

Sorry, guys, didn't mean to be a conversation stopper! I just wanted Lestrade, and everyone else on here, to know that you aren't alone!

Please resume normal talk about ways to take stink out priceless art. And glitter! The world can never have too much glitter.

Desert Wanderer said...

Pip, I was trying to think of something to say that didn't sound trite, but I'm not good enough with words.

All I can say is how happy I am that you got out of that situation, that you had friends who care(d) about you and didn't give up on you, and how glad I am to have gotten to know you via Lestallion's pony tales.

<3 <---pretend it's glittery

Anon Without A Name said...

Pip - like DW, I was trying to think of something to say that didn't sound trite.

Hearts and hugs, m'dear.

And if febreze on a priceless masterpiece is out, how about some nice Glade air freshener? Or maybe hang one of those nice little pine tree thingies you get for niffy cars? That would look festive, too. Especially with a bit of glitter on it :-)

Tink said...

A from NW, Pip, you're very strong for sharing. Talking about it kind of... I dunno. Here.

I was in three abusive relationships (emotional, not physical; which I don't know if it's 'better' but at least I didn't have to deal with healing my body as well as my mind) in a row. I've taken a break from everything to just be me and take the time to recognise the signs so I never ever fall into that same pattern ever again. Still terrified I wont, but I have a support network now that I didn't then. That I wasn't allowed to have then.

ANYWAY. Yeah. You're absolutely harder on yourself than anyone else is... I think it's inevitable. But you're not alone now Greg. You're never going to be alone again.

You've got John. You've got the boys. You've got us. You've got a whole lot more people around you who love and care about you and you're not alone.

You may not feel like you took control, but you were. Maybe someday you'll be able to look back and see that. But until then, know that we love you lots and lots and....


Tink said...

So terrified I will. Yeah, typing is fail tonight. :P

But hugs all around people, we need 'em! :D


Anonymous said...

*hug-pile! (esp. for Pip and Tink)* I think in some ways that emotional abuse is much more damaging because it's not visible. People can see a bruise and understand "he hit me; I left." They don't always understand "he manipulated me into doing X,Y, and Z by guilt-tripping." Physical scars are easier to accept; emotionals ones...Sometimes people think you're just making it up.

I've been surrounded by a supportive (protective!) network of friends from the start, so in that I was very lucky that nearly no one "blamed" me for being too trusting. It showed me who my true friends were, and taught me that friends sometimes mean more than blood. It's a lesson that I wished I didn't have to learn in that way, but it's a comfort to know that if I can't protect myself, they'll be there to help me.

I imagine that if anyone ever came after you again like that, Greg, that John and the boys and your lot at NSY would have something (very scary) to say about it!

Meanwhile, speaking of glitter, Greg, do you need to hover said sparklies off the ceiling these days? =D

~A from NW

Anonymous from Sacred Oak said...

May those of you who have been maltreated find peace and joy with those who trust and love you the most.

We're giving thanks for good friends and loved ones at my house this winter. My boyfriend has been reminding me lately that the people who abused him in the past made him who he is, and that he honestly would not want to change who he is. He reminds me that the people who mistreated me have also taught me compassion. It's really hard to accept, though, because both of us still have scars (emotional, mostly) from those things, and when we get angry we get so, _so_ angry. We're both working on talking about all of it, though.

You lot have made me sniffle, with your stories tonight. Thanks, love, hugs and plenty of glitter to all of you.

mazarin221b said...

Big hugs to all of you guys. It's a hard thing to experience, and I highly doubt anyone ever reacts the way you'd think once you're there. Happy for all of you that you've moved on, and are happier.

Tink said...

You are lovely all of you.

Greg, I hope in some way we've helped, or at least given you something good to think about. Love you big guy.

REReader said...

*opens arms to hug everybody*

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm really touched by the way you lot share your experiences. It's very humbling.

I hope it helps you all a bit, talking about things here. I know it helps me. And thank you to everyone for being so supportive of people who are sharing.

I hope you all find your own glittery dangerous docs to share your lives with - frantically...thanks, autocorrect. *romantically* or as friends.

Ruby said...

I was just reading this article:

And it ends with this:
Doing what people want you to do can be hard. Doing what they don't want you to do, and standing up for yourself instead--that's strong.

I'm going to ignore the fact that the article itself was off-topic (feminism) and focus on that great last quote, which is so true, and surprisingly apropos.

Small Hobbit said...

*hugs to you all* including Lestrade, we'll remove the glitter later.

My OH has aspergers, which makes for difficulties at times. However, I know he doesn't deliberately hurt me, it's just the way his brain's wired and at least now I know why he behaves as he does.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

One of our crime scene managers has aspergers. He's brilliant for the job - gets very angry when people don't follow the rules :) and is the most methodical bloke I've ever worked with.

You don't get to joke about spraying air freshener over his crime scenes though...

He wanted to be a copper when he was younger, but obviusly it relies a lot on reading body language and reacting appropriately, so he went into the science side instead.

Desert Wanderer said...

Meanwhile, speaking of glitter, Greg, do you need to hover said sparklies off the ceiling these days? =D

I think the real question is which is harder to get off the ceiling: glitter or lube? omg, can you imagine glitter in lube?!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sounds like it would chafe...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Hey, if any of you are in Scotland, take care of yourselves! It's windy enough here...

Tink said...

*hugs Greg* Talking about it did help, thank you. As I said, I hope it helped you to realise you're not alone and wont be alone ever again. You're the best, my friend.

Now my life is filled with much more squee (ask DW, she's heard it!) and glee and good friends. So things are looking up!

Piplover said...

It does help to talk about it, thank you! Sorry I got all TMI on your blog, though. I hadn't meant to say quite so much.

Hope you're having a better day in a not so stinky location!

John H. D. Watson said...

Pip - it's not TMI (assuming I know what that means, pretty sure I do). As you said, it's an important issue, and talking about it more can only help, right? I hope so at least.

Anyway, I think you're all amazing people (that includes you, L).

Scottish Anon said...

I'm in Scotland and I can report: it is, indeed, very windy! All the schools, libraries, etc. are shut in my area and the lights have been flickering ominously for the past half an hour. If we lose power I may actually be forced to do some course-work! O_O

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Pup - please don't worry! And no need for apologies. Afraid I'm still in a stinky house.

Thanks Danger. Hope work was okay.

Scottish Anon - hope you don't lose power! But you probably should do some coursework...

Rink - glad to hear it.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Tink! Sorry.

Tink said...

It's all good, I've gotten used to the nickname :P *snuggles* So, hopefully you'll find your way out of your stinky house soon. We're here for you for the whole trip and to welcome you back when you get there. We might just be waiting with glitter to throw up like confetti ;D

My mum says that the best cure is lots of love, and you've got plenty of that available! <3

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Thanks - home soon. I'm so tired. And tired of shifting piles and piles of stuff.

Calliope said...

One of my best friends has a mother who is quite the hoarder. Her aunt isn't much better. I must love her, as I've volunteered to help with the clean-up when the time comes.
Luckily that time promises to be roughly 2 decades away if all goes well. *fingers crossed*

REReader said...

Do you have a lot more shifting to do still, Lestrade?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

No, we're getting there now. Hopefully be able to release the house to the family soon.

REReader said...

That'll be good for everyone--it can't be a cheering environment.

Anonymous said...

Greg, John - Thank you both for creating a warm environment where talking about stuff like this is safe. I'm still working out how to talk about it in a productive way.

DW - ...while I'm tempted to ask why glitter would be in lube, I will hold my curosity in check. ;D

Oh, yes, Greg, did you ever find out what the art people said would give the paintings a fresh breath of air, since Frebreeze is not allowed?

~A from NW


I'm a big fan of the pine tree air freshner plan someone else had.

Also, the Fifth is my favorite ammendment WRT glitter lube.

Desert Wanderer said...

Anon from Scotland, I know it's late/early there, but did you and yours make it through alright?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Yeah, hope you're okay Scottish Anon. The pictures in the papers this morning of the wind turbine on fire don't look good!

Scottish Anon said...

Yes I saw that one - slightly disconcerting! All in all it was pretty much as advertised. Dead windy. We had a power cut for a few hours (yes, I did get some coursework done!), some slates came off our roof, the wheelie bin's at the bottom of the garden and the dog generally went a bit mental.

As far as I'm aware, no-one was badly hurt or killed which was probably because we got plenty warning in advance and pretty much the whole of the central belt was told: 'don't travel unless it's an emergency'. Which we all dutifully translated to 'day off work!'

Desert Wanderer said...

Glad to hear you made it through Scottish Anon. :) I think my translation would have been similar.

REReader said...

"Day off work" was clearly the sensible and prudent translation. No one could fault it.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Glad you're all okay.

Wish I could get days off work like that...were more likely to get 'come into work!' in times of crisis.

REReader said...

Next time around you can pick a dispensable career. :D

Tink said...

When you retire to be an award winning romance novelist, you can take days off when you like as long as a deadline isn't looming! :D

Desert Wanderer said...

Don't be a florist. Too many flower emergencies.

"Red rose"
"Red rose, sir."
"Baby's breath"
"Baby's breath, sir."
"Pink gerbera"
"Uh, sir...? We're out of gerberas"
"OUT of gerberas? I can't work under these conditions! Find someone else to be your pansy!"
*flouncing off*

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

My shop would never be out of gerberas. I love them.

But yeah, all the stresses of making flowers for weddings and stuff? terrifying.

Desert Wanderer said...

Really? Are they your favorites? What Colo(u)r? You know they mean beauty, cheerfulness, and innocence?

Rider said...

An "uncle" of mine (one of those relatives known as "Uncle Frank" to about 4 generations) was a florist of some repute and even grew flowers to use in the very best arrangements.

He was a must have for a society wedding of any note in Melbourne in his day. He seemed to like the life.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

DW - not my favourites, no, but up there. I like all the boldest colours. Bright oranges, deep reds, hot pinks.

I love roses. Statice. Alliums - the silvery purple ones. Bleeding hearts... I actually could go on for some time. I won't.

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