23 December 2011

Who says Health And Safety isn't fun?

What else would I be doing at 4am apart from issuing all the day shift with the following? (I didn't write all of it - someone sent it to me. I just made it a touch more relevant.)It was a reward to myself, for clearing an entire in-tray of paperwork.

All officers planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. Please include assessments for use of audio-visual active warning systems and the effect this may have upon the horse(s). This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission and/or warrants must also be obtained, either in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered or from a magistrate. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. Please remember to book out all PPE in advance and return it in good condition.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, she/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year's well-publicised case, all officers are advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas.

107 comments:

John H. D. Watson said...

Ha. Good to know the Met has Christmas covered...

(I know, I know, I'm going back to sleep now.)

Bronwyn said...

Heh heh heh. Wiseacre.
Merry Christmas,
Bronwyn

REReader said...

Ha!

H. Savinien said...

Heeheheheheheh. Very nice.

Anonymous said...

*giggling madly* Very clever.

(early) Happy Christmas!

~A from NW

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

It was a moment of fun in an incredibly long night. I think nightshifts where you barely see another soul have a particular passage of time, like no other, where hours stretch and squash very oddly.

Elizabeth said...

Hello, I'm back!

I bet your officers will get a kick out of it, Mr. Crisis. (Can we call you "DI Crisis" now? "DI Crisis and Doctor Danger" sounds...spectacular.)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I feel like DI Crisis doesn't have quite the same ring as Doc Danger ...

Anon Without A Name said...

Nice one :-)

I meant to ask - are you and John planning on taking to boys to a pantomime this year? Or is it not really their sort of thing?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm trying to imagine how that would go...

A few hundred kids in chorus - "he's behind you" Sherlock, loudly, alone "YOU IDIOTS"...

We're not planning on it, no. But we haven't actually talked about it.

REReader said...

Oh, now THERE's an image! Heh.

They might enjoy a more standard play better. But I'd say skip "The Mousetrap." I can't help but feel they'd both work out the ending far to early!

Desert Wanderer said...

Gregory Lestrade, DIBMLCBAGQMF
John Watson, Doctor Danger

Together, they form an unstoppable team, fighting the evil forces of sugar highs, rogue sequins, and floral disasters, spreading truth, justice, etc. throughout the land. Making old ladies (and men) swoon when'er they pass. And brewing one kick-ass cuppa tea (er, coffee).

(Yes, I'm procrastinating starting my Christmas travel. Why do you ask? ;) )

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Someone hide me so I can stay at home with all my boys and not spend 12 hours on my todd with paperwork?

REReader said...

I'd offer for you to hide under my blankets--I'm probably not still contagious--but perhaps suggesting you get in bed with me is too forward. *bats eyelashes*

Also I'm on the wrong continent.

mazarin221b said...

But you're off for a few days after this shift, yes?

Anon Without A Name said...

Well, you could get John to throw some tinsel on, get Sherlock and Mycroft to add lights and baubles, and stand in the corner pretending to be a tree?

Just think, once this shift is over you've got all of tomorrow, and all of Christmas Day with them :-)

Desert Wanderer said...

Tell the Super you'll be enhancing relational between the Yard and the private sector while performing point-of-presence anti-shoplifting checks. Community-based policing and all that. Thermal go shopping/out to eat with the boys. ;)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sadly I'm at the yard trying to wade through some cctv. I do have coffee though.

REReader said...

You should have asked Sherlock to make you a countdown clock to your release time. :)

RIder said...

I feel for you Lestrade. Yesterday I was still working at 4pm and I was the only one there. A large open plan that usually has over 80 people in it... and there was just me.

I managed to escape though!

(2 calls last night at 1:30am and 4am, exquisitely timed to ensure maximum sleep loss. Sigh, you'd think they paid me to do this)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Think that might have been a bit depressing at the start of the night, RR.

Rider - yeah, theres normally a few of us, but this time of year we try to keep it at a minimum just so most people can enjoy themselves. They're on call, just not in.

REReader said...

But it'd be more cheering as the night wears on!

Any plans besides pre-Christmas dinner prep for tomorrow? (Although that's probably more than enough, after two nights working.)

John H. D. Watson said...

Naps. He has lots of nap plans.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Naps? Aawwwwwwwww, Nanny Danger, I'm too excited to nap!

John H. D. Watson said...

Even if I join you?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Depends exactly how you define 'nap'.

John H. D. Watson said...

In the best possible way, of course.

REReader said...

I came by to wish you a peaceful Christmas Eve, but apparently that would be the wrong adjective. How about relaxing? Non-stressful? Happy? Fun? All of the above?

(And Shabbat shalom, as it's two minutes from sundown here.)

:)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Not sure I'll have it in me for 'lots' of nap plans...I'm a tired old man! But I suppose I can prep food in-between 'naps'

Anonymous said...

Right. Who is in charge of making sure you and John's 'naps' aren't interrupted? Is there a chance Mrs. Hudson could be persuaded into taking Sherlock, Mycroft and the dogs out for a long walk tomorrow?

*amused*
~A from NW

Anon Without A Name said...

I presume that Doctor Hotson's nap plans include a bedtime story or two...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

The 'naps' might be interrupted by me running off to stuff a bird... which isn't something I can say often.

Rider said...

Dunno about food prep between "naps"

I would hate there to be a sausage related accident!

John H. D. Watson said...

Or a bird-stuffing one.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I can assure you, no sausages will be prepped until the day. Sampled, possibly...

and there'll be plenty of time between Naps, unless the doc is prescribing me the little blue pills.

Rider said...

You'll just have to switch to the Sunday Best spare part Lestrade.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'a copper's copper'.

John H. D. Watson said...

Not to put a damper on things, but considering you haven't slept properly for two days, I was planning on more naps than 'naps'...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I refer you back to my first answer, m'lord.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Crap, I've got a call out. Will get back to you when I can.

John H. D. Watson said...

Be careful, love.

X said...

I think your definition of nap is a bit circular, Doc, since naps are already the Best Thing Ever *might have just woken up from one*. :D

Lestrade, be careful out there, and do try to get some actual napping in between "napping" and bird stuffing ;) I'm sure the Doc will take care of you in at least two out of three of those scenarios ;)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Being careful, promise

get some sleep, eh?

John H. D. Watson said...

I'll try.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Good. I might be here a while. Bit messy.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear.

*hands your team warm cups of fresh coffee*

~A from NW

John H. D. Watson said...

Oh dear. I hope it's going all right.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You should be asleep!

Wouldn't call it all right, no. Trying to run the whole scene with two of us and four uniforms because there's a gang fight at the other end of the manor. The crowd are extremely restless, lots of blame, most of it coming our way and it's bloody freezing.

Can think of places I'd rather be.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sorry, didn't mean to sound so grumpy. Just pissed off at the neighbouring boroughs refusing us support until something kicks off, instead of helping us prevent it.

Ranting here means I don't rant at the people I do have with me

Small Hobbit said...

Can't say more than thinking of you. Hope you manage to get things sorted quickly and that the situation doesn't escalate.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Cheers SH. Just waiting until the crime scene lot are done, mainly. And sort of hoping Danger doesn't read this until morning...

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade - I think you're allowed to be as "grumpy" as you like here. And ranting seems like a perfectly reasonable response to the situation.

Echoing SH's comment.

John H. D. Watson said...

You didn't sound grumpy, more justly irritated.

Can think of places I'd rather be.

Me too. Here would be good.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Right. Survived intact.

Freezing though.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're back in the warm office now. Also, echoing everyone who has already pointed out the obvious: you have a right to be irritated that you aren't receiving the backup you need to keep a bad situation worse.

Are you on the way home soon?

~A from NW

John H. D. Watson said...

He should get to leave around seven.

Anonymous said...

For all your sakes, I hope he doesn't get tied up by the new case and can leave around seven...

~A from NW

(By the way, you're up early. Sherlock-alarm clock?)

John H. D. Watson said...

I was up most of the night. Now the boys are up, I might as well attempt some sort of cooked breakfast. Wish me luck.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear *hugs John* Well, now you have a good excuse to take naps and 'naps' with Greg.

And yes, I send plenty of good luck in your direction. Speaking from personal experience, watch out for the exploding eggs. Seriously.

~ A from NW

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Just home now.

Who'd be a policeman, seriously.

Anyway, now got to try and stop being in a bad mood and get some sleep before doubt everything.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Doing everything, not doubt.

Everyone seems to have survived breakfast without explosions, by the way.

Anon Without A Name said...

Glad you home OK (if rather late), hope you're having a decent sleep now.

John - you cooked breakfast? Nice one. Not easy, either.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Had a couple of hours sleep, thanks. Then got a phonecall, so decided to get up and get some things done. I'll have another sleep in a bit.

John did cook a lovely breakfast. Sherlock told me all about it.

Desert Wanderer said...

" Doing everything, not doubt."

Thanks for the clarification. I was a tad concerned. :)

Hope prep work is going well. Are you guys going to open any presents today, or all tomorrow?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Autocorrect - I do love it really, or my messages would be completely unreadable. But I also forget it doesn't always get it right...

Prep is all fine. Sherlock is bouncing about so much I think we need to take him and the dogs out for a run in a bit.

I think we'll do presents tomorrow - not sure. Haven't really discussed everyone's traditions on the matter.

Desert Wanderer said...

Well, I'm glad it wasn't a case of the Christmastime Doubts. Sometimes I'm convinced that Christmas is in the winter because otherwise it's too easy for the dark and cold to breed dissatisfaction and depression. Gotta have something to balance it out, sine ther's not much worse than being awake in the dark wondering about where your life's going.

Has the Doc instituted your nap schedule yet? ;)

Anon Without A Name said...

Everything OK, DW?

Lestrade - What are the odds on Sherlock actually exploding from excitement tomorrow?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

DW - don't move to the Southern Hemisphere then!

You okay? Last year I was busy counting up all the things I could lose...bit more optimistic this year, now very grateful for everything I have!

Last night was...frustrating. I know they need their officers, or their response times will go through the floor. But not even having enough backup to arrest someone who tried to punch me in the face did nothing for my mood (he didn't connect, obviously, I'm fine.)

Nameless - We'll probably be scraping Sherlock off the ceiling, if he doesn't get so excited he disappears into a hyperactive blur.

Sherlock said...

We have to open one tonight, it's the rules!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

The rules, huh? Whose rules? Yours? Your Mum's? John's? Or just The Rules?

What if we do it by MY rules??

Sherlock said...

CHRISTMAS RULES! What are your rules? Don't you WANT to opens things? How can you wait tomorrow is forever away!!!!!

Anon Without A Name said...

But if you open your presents today, Sherlock, what will you do tomorrow morning?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Ah, well, you'll have to ask John - head of the house gets to make the rules.

And I can wait.

When I was little, if I was in Italy with Italian relatives, we could open a present when we got back from midnight mass, then the ones from family in the morning, once we'd eaten breakfast and after ALL the food was cooking, so everyone could gather around. But we had to wait until the morning of the 6th of January to get presents in our stockings.

Patience is a virtue.

Sherlock said...

Why is John the head? You and Mrs Hudson are older.

What's midnight mass? Are we going to that? And all I want to open tonight is one! If we go to midnight mass can I? Then I could stay up until midnight too! Why did you have to wait forever for your stockings?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Why is John? I don't know - it was his flat before I moved in, and it's his job to be in charge of you. Plus he does the best Looks - important to be able to Glare and Look if you're head of the house.

I hadn't thought about going to midnight mass, really. I last went a couple of years ago. I don't actually believe in God, and I don't practice any religion. But if you look it up then if you really want to go, we can.

And we waited because that's what Italian tradition dictates - La Befana brings gifts on the night of the 5th, which is when the kings are supposed to have arrived with their gifts to the baby Jesus.

When we were in England we just had everything on Christmas Day.

Sherlock said...

He does do good Looks.

Is it fun or is it just boring people talking for hours?

Piplover said...

Sherlock, in my family we got to open one present on Christmas Eve, and then the other presents Christmas morning.

I don't know if you would like midnight mass. Have you ever been to a Catholic church? There's a lot of kneeling, and singing, and listening to the priest talk. The church I went to did the service in Latin, but now they do it in English.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I liked the singing, all the carols.

But the service was in Latin, so I never understood much. It was pretty boring.

Sherlock said...

Singing is okay but I think it would be more fun to stay up till midnight here and eat ice cream and open a present.

Kholly said...

In my family I end up opening about half my presents on Christmas Eve after dinner and the other half in the morning after breakfast. We're all grown up and have our own homes and families. So we're all together on Christmas Eve at my mother's house and exchange gifts with everyone we won't see in the morning. Then after we all go to midnight mass together. My family is catholic though and the little ones tend to fall asleep anyway so you might not want to bother Sherlock.

I'm from out of town now so I'm staying with my parents. On Christmas morning one of my sisters and her wife come over for breakfast and then we open our stockings with our morning coffee/tea. Then we have breakfast. And then we exchange the rest of our presents.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

you're not eating ice cream until midnight!

But we can maybe stay up for a bit, see how tired we all are.


And if you can wait until Mycroft, Mrs Hudson and I have got most of the cooking on the go then we can all open presents and relax together.

Sherlock said...

Lestrade's asleep all over John on the sofa and he's really fast asleep because Phobos just licked his hand and he didn't even twitch and I want hot chocolate and John says he won't disturb Lestrade and he says I can't go and see Mrs Hudson so I can't have any and that's so BORING.

Anon Without A Name said...

Sherlock - Lestrade was stuck at work all night last night, and all night the night before, and he's spent all day getting things ready for Christmas, and he'll spend lots of tomorrow cooking for you all - so maybe you should let him sleep for a while, I think he's earned it.

Perhaps, rather than having some hot chocolate now, you could do something else (quietly) now, and you could all have some hot chocolate when Lestrade wakes up? Maybe you could draw us a picture of your tree, with all the special ornaments and the comet on top? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who'd like to see it.

Sherlock said...

Yes, but he's on John and that's not fair, John could be doing things with us not being squashed by Lestrade it's just mean the sofa's comfortable anyway without him having to be on John. I'm going to tell him not to do it again when he wakes up and tell him not to be at work longer than he has to be ever because we wanted him to have breakfast with us this morning but he was late.

I might draw a picture I'm going to see what Mycroft is doing first.

Sherlock said...

Maybe.

If I can't eat ice cream until midnight does that mean I can eat it at midnight?

Kholly said...

You know Sherlock I feel pretty confident that Lestrade would rather have been home having breakfast with you too. There's no need to make him feel bad about it. He'd have been there if he could have.

So was Mycroft doing anything interesting?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Not interesting enough, apparently.

And Sherlock, you can have hot chocolate tonight, not before dinner. Definitely no ice-cream eating at midnight, either.

Pioup said...

Midnight mass at our neighbourhood church was at 7pm this year, this is getting ridiculous (I'm an atheist so I stay home anyway, but if catholic churches can't do traditions properly, where is the world going ?).
On that note, my parents are home from said mass, time to have some soup and crèpes.
Have a lovely Christmas Eve <3

Sherlock said...

Can I have it with coffee in like you make yours sometimes?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

you, coffee, in the evening...you know if you don't go to sleep Father Christmas won't come, right? He only delivers presents to good children who are asleep at a decent hour - he's busy, he can't wait and come back later.

Sherlock said...

He's not reallllll. It's just you and John and maybe Mummy. I just like the way yours smells when you make it that way.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Well I can assure you that John, me and your Mum are busy too, and we'd all fall asleep and you still wouldn't get any presents.

You can sniff my sort-of-Bicerin/mocha, and drink your own.

If you really like drinking it we can get some decaff beans or something. Maybe I should get some decaff beans anyway, in my quest to give up the caffeine.

Ro said...

Merry Christmas, you guys! It's Christmas morning here, and humid. I opened all (well, I only had 2!) my presents last night, as I remembered that I have Christmas lights permanently hanging in my lounge, so I switched them on. I had some Shiraz, and figured that that was as Christmassy as I was going to get, so what the hell. I opened them early. We always did all of our presents on Christmas Day. Although, we swapped gifts with the family next door on Christmas Eve, so maybe that took the edge off.

Hope you guys enjoy your night before, and then have a lovely Christmas Day together. I'm just going to watch DVDS and read. Might go to the movies this evening. Will talk to my family later. But right now, I'm going to drink up all this coffee. Cheers!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Merry Christmas to you too :)

(How wrong would it be to slip some knock-out drugs into Sherlock's drink?)

John H. D. Watson said...

Maybe we could just go to bed and he'll take the hint...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

We could barricade the door.

Our door, his door, either one works for me.

Piplover said...

My parents used to tell us we could stay up if we wanted, but we had to be in bed and tucked in. We could only read. Perhaps if you tuck him in and give him a book to read, he may settle down? I know I always, to this day, read a Christmas Carol before going to sleep on Christmas Eve.

John H. D. Watson said...

Right, I'm putting him in bed. Again. With the understanding that he doesn't have to sleep, but he does have to stay there. Back soon.

Anonymous said...

You, sir, wins with this post. :Db

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm attempting to begin a tradition of reading 'A Night Before Christmas'

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the flat, not a creature was stirring, not even a six year old brat..."

(That's not fair - he's not a brat. Just very excited. We've read it twice now, all of us, on the sofa. The first time nit picks and sarcasm was banned. The second time it was an all out criticism of everything from scientific flaws to complete incredulity.)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Um, thanks, Anon.

I can hear the sounds of protest from upstairs... really can't summon up the energy to go and investigate. Saving remaining energy for something else ;)

REReader said...

A very merry Christmas Eve to you all, and to all a good night.

;)

Anonymous said...

I hope you do manage to get some rest tonight...

Happy Christmas!

(And Sherlock, go to bed. If you don't sleep, you're going to be tired and grumpy tomorrow when your entire family is going to be with you, and that's no fun.

John, Greg, Mycroft - Good luck.)

May you all have a wonderful day tomorrow, filled with laughter and love and no stress.

~A from NW

John H. D. Watson said...

Merry Christmas, everyone. :)

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade - good plan, saving your energy for... later, etc ;-)

timberwolfoz said...

/delurks

Merry Christmas to all!

We were woken by a crack of thunder this morning (I'm in the same city as Ro) after getting to sleep late because it was hot and humid and we were up late with the Christmas prep and watching Home for the Holidays (which is about Thanksgiving not Christmas, otherwise applicable, plus baby!RDJ).

As for pressies, traditionally I'd have to wait until a reasonable hour (like after 7) and pressies Christmas morning. We occasionally open one Christmas Eve before bed now I'm All Grown Up but generally by the time we've done all the Chrismas Prep (we leave decorating until Christmas Eve) we're just ready to fall on our faces.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you'll enjoy it either way, Sherlock.

I second (third) the idea of a Very Special Drawing.

X said...

We had a big snowball fight since we had 10cm today and in an effort to tire my niece out. I think it tired out everyone else BUT her. Last Christmas she was awake until midnight and up at 5 --- hoping for better luck this year. Sherlock, let me tell you, /no one/ likes being pounced on at 5am, presents notwithstanding.

Merry Christmas, all, and hope you all have lovely sleeps, that Santa is good to you, and that you have a good day with your loved ones.

Happy holidays and a wonderful Sunday to anyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. :)

Post a Comment