25 November 2011

Did I tell you I was 25, and did I mention that I loved you since the other night.

Two twenty five titles in a day. Gosh.

Right. Well. Let's go with Anon's question.

Have you ever been attracted to a woman? Or if the answer is no, which would be a short story, do you prefer to bottom or top with a man?

You really don't have to click to read the rest. I'll be over here, waiting for a barrage of questions from Sherlock. Or John. Or you lot.



First things first. Um...no. Not really. I mean, I've seen some stunningly beautiful women in my time. And I've met women who are just the nicest people ever. But I've never been attracted to a woman in a sexual sense.

Which was a short story.

As for the second...There's just so much more to it than that! I mean...well, that. We don't just have penetrative sex. Lots of couples don't have penetrative sex at all. Not everyone likes it. I mean...well, there's just loads and loads of stuff to do - mouths, hands, other...places. Friction, lube, heat, cold...just...yeah.

I mean, it's hard getting lube off the sheets. Walls. Ceiling. Carpet. Anywhere else it might manage to get. ;) And other...fluids. Sometimes it's nice to need far far less clean up and just have a nice cuddle afterward instead of getting out the mop and bucket. Or if I've got a long meeting the next day I'd hate for anyone to think I was bored and fidgeting.

But to answer the question, then...with most people, I generally prefer bottoming. Variety is the spice of life, though, so...there you have it.

That was quite a short story too.

74 comments:

John H. D. Watson said...

How is this my fault?!

Anon Without A Name said...

If you guys are getting lube on the ceiling, how is not at least partly your fault? :-p

John H. D. Watson said...

I meant the post itself, not the...activities contained therein. And it's never been on the ceiling!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

we have, I think, established everything is your fault somehow. Therefore this is too.

Are you sure it's never been on the ceiling? The ceiling is a long way away from you...

Anon Without A Name said...

I don't know if it counts as too Much Information, Lestrade, but it's definitely More Information Than I Expected You To Give Us :-)

I'm giggling at your characterisation of cleaning up as getting out a mop and bucket. And wondering how long it will take Sherlock to enquire as to why you might be fidgeting in a meeting :-p I'm assuming he already asked what "bottoming" is following the question being asked...

John H. D. Watson said...

Is this what you were going to post about and didn't? I was worried.

How would you even notice it was on the ceiling!

John H. D. Watson said...

Nameless - Sherlock is bed. If he has questions, L can answer them when Sherlock wakes him up tomorrow. While I am still in bed.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Danger...no. But it's fine, honestly.

I'm trained to be observant.

Sherlock is bed

Really?

And I think all the questions he has might be perfectly well answered by his Nanny and medical expert.

John H. D. Watson said...

IN bed. He is in bed. Hush.

Oh that is really not fair at all.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I think it's exceedingly fair.

You are clearly the expert. I have sown the seeds of thought for him, you're there for the aftermath. You can tell him the sciency stuff. He won't be interested in the lovey stuff anyway!

Rider said...

And it's never been on the ceiling

Watch out John, I bet it isn't just Sherlock who takes the strangest things as a challenge.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

It's not a challenge. It was an accomplishment.

John H. D. Watson said...

Oh my god, you people. And I am including you in that, L!

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm your God? Huh, okay.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

(Although slightly upset that so is everyone else. Thou should not worship false deities. Or something.)

John H. D. Watson said...

You're my only domestic deity though.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Hmm. As long as domestic means being chained to the bed as long as the kitchen sink...

John H. D. Watson said...

A bed as long as the kitchen sink? Uncomfortable.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sherlock is a bed, and our bed is as long as a kitchen sink...pink is blue, up is down and maybe that's why there's lube on the ceiling... (top tip - water based is easier for ceiling clean up than silicon or oil based. Just if you needed to know. But has other drawbacks... I wouldn't pick my lube solely on which one is easiest to remove from the ceiling, if I'm honest.)

John H. D. Watson said...

I think you should do an advice column.

Anon Without A Name said...

Oh, OK, go on then - what are your lube criteria?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Ha! It would be perfect on here - Anon function and all.

Anyone got a question for Lestallion's Love-In? (A more upstanding column has never been.)

New Anon said...

Seconded!

and word verif said 'pessenvi'...can't just be me that went somewhere dirty with that :-P

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Nameless - why doesn't it surprise me you're the first in the queue?

Lube criteria - well, firstly, obviously, what you're going to use it for (skin, for instance, is quite different to...rubber or silicon, say.). Secondly, how long are you expecting to use it/how easy will re-application be? (Tacky/sticky lube is...horrible.) Whether you're at all worried what it tastes like is another consideration. And consistency is very important. Some are like water, others like...hair gel, or something (not actually hair gel. That would be a terrible idea.)

That's the basics. Don't you think, Danger? Anything to add?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Welcome, New Anon. No envi here, I assure you. Well, not much, not usually... :)

Anonymous said...

This story may be short but it's kind of funny and it's awesome you're comfortable enough to talk about it in your blog. It reminded me of a drunken talk I had with friends about the subject, and no I wasn't the one who asked first!

They told me switching was more common than one person doing one thing all the time, like you said variety is the spice of life and all :-)

John H. D. Watson said...

It's your column! I have nothing to add whatsoever.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Anon...I may have had a glass...or two...of a nice malt.

In the morning I may regret this. Especially if my inbox is bulging with questions you want me to dash something off to...

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Oh Danger, my column is your column, you know that.

John H. D. Watson said...

I must be psychic, because I absolutely knew you were going to say that.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You just know I'm the caring sharing type.

John H. D. Watson said...

As long as I'm the only one you're sharing your column with.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Of course! You don't mean that, right? I mean, you know I'm yours and yours alone, until you take me back to the shelter and demand they reprogramme my microchip and have me re-homed?

John H. D. Watson said...

I'm living with Robocop and I never even knew??

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

And you call yourself a Dcotor??

I was thinking more mongrel stray dog than Law Enforcement of the future...

Anon Without A Name said...

I have no idea what you're implying. At all.

*ahem*

Anyway, I'm a firm believer that if in doubt, one should always ask an expert, and you do seem to be something of a lube connoisseur :-)

There isn't much that squicks me, but somehow the idea of tasting lube... *shudder*

John H. D. Watson said...

L - well I'm keeping you either way, as long as possible.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm implying nothing.

I'm a firm believer too. Possibly not an expert.

I've got to admit, most of it is...unpleasant at best. Even the flavours are...well, some of them taste better than straight up lube. But there's no getting away from them being one thing with a bit of fake flavour to mask how nasty it really tastes...and loads of them leave you smelling of whatever the flavour was meant to be. So unless you really want to wander about smelling vaguely of fake strawberries for the next day or two, until it wears off/out, then...yeah, avoid, if you can.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Thanks Danger. I'm more than happy to be kept.

Anonymous said...

A (rather long!) quote from Stephen Fry re. buggery follows.
"Buggery is not at the end of the yellow brick road somewhere over the homosexual rainbow, it is not the prize, the purpose, the goal or the fulfilment of homosexuality. Buggery is not the achievement which sees homosexuality move from becoming into being; buggery is not homosexuality's realisation or destiny. Buggery is as much a necessary condition of homosexuality as the ownership of a Volvo estate car is a necessary condition of a middle-class family life, linked irretrievably in the minds of the witless and the cheap. The performance of buggery is no more inevitable a part of homosexuality than an orangle syllabub is an inevitable part of a dinner:some may clamour for it and instantly demand a second helpiing, some are not interested, some decide they will try it once and then instantly vomit.
There are plenty of other things to be got up to in the homosexual world outside the orbit of the anal ring."

Rider said...

I'm living with Robocop and I never even knew

what? He even gave you a spare part to tide you over while he was away.

New Anon said...

Yeah, lube is 'fruit-flavoured' etc. the same way medicine is...

You wouldn't eat it for dessert would you. (or maybe you would lol ;-0)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Anonymous - indeed. Rather more eloquently than I could have put it.

Rider - that wasn't a 'spare part'! That was my Sunday best! working week is just steel. Copper is only for special occasions. ;)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

New Anon - Mmm, no, I wouldn't eat it for dessert. But then, I wouldn't eat fruit-flavoured syrup for dessert either...but I don't mind a bit squirted over ice-cream :)

John H. D. Watson said...

At no point in my life did I ever think the internet would be discussing my...copper.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

At no point...with this lot? Have you met them?? They're mainly only here because of your stunning looks and erotica novels!

I just need to give you a cuddle now.

John H. D. Watson said...

I have no objections. To the cuddle. To allegations of writing erotic novels I have the usual ongoing objections.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Mmm.

Your turn for Greg The Florist, by the way.

Lovely calm cuddle on the sofa before all hell breaks loose with the flat full of small people tomorrow. Which I'm sort of really looking forward to. I think.

Anyway, by tomorrow any cuddles will smell vaguely of sick and baby powder. Enjoy them now.

John H. D. Watson said...

Mm, I am.

Your forecast includes 100% chance of baby sick then?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I think if we put it at 100% then it can only possibly be better than predicted.

You know babies...happy, smiling, gurgling....surprise puke! go back to smiling and gurgling, now with added puke slowly travelling toward your favourite jeans/shirt/face/hand.... They remain utterly serene as you try to find any suitable thing to wipe up baby sick with, all of which are just out of reach.

John H. D. Watson said...

...Right. I won't wear the blue jumper.

Anon Without A Name said...

John, you're going to have a baby in the house. Even with as little experience as I have, I can guarantee baby sick. It's what they do. (I'm assured they do other, less messy and more adorable stuff too, if that helps?)

Anon Without A Name said...

I'm implying nothing.

Uh huh.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I think not wearing the blue jumper is an excellent idea.

And keeping a tea-towel/towel over whichever shoulder the baby is being held against after feeding is also an excellent idea.

Seriously, though, I don't mind being on baby duty if you can entertain the (nearly) two year old. And well get out to the park, fresh air, distractions etc.

Nameless - what are you inferring? :)

John H. D. Watson said...

We can switch off, I'm sure. I don't mind running after the two year old though. He can't be faster than Sherlock.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

switch off?

I'm waiting to see what Sherlock makes of it all. I don't know if he'll be fascinated, horrified, jealous, a bit of everything?

John H. D. Watson said...

Switch the baby off. What, they don't come with off switches??

Trade back and forth I meant, so you too have an opportunity to entertain the not quite two year old and Sherlock.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Ha, yeah, we can tag team it. I'm pretty sure it'll need a nice sleep in the middle of the day, too.

I'm sure we'll need a nice nap at the end of it...

Speaking of which, can I entice you to bed? Otherwise I might have another sctoch. And I can't cope with both small children and a hangover.

John H. D. Watson said...

It's very seldom you can't entice me to bed. Let's go.

Anon Without A Name said...

I was trying not to infer anything! Much :-p

So is this going to be a regular thing, Uncle Lestallion's Upstanding Column of Love?

On a completely different note, good luck with all the kids today, guys :-)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

It is quite a regular thing, but y'know, age means not quite as regular as it once was...

Or did you mean the q&a?

We're just doing the last bit of tidying/toddler proofing :)

Rider said...

I'm sure Lestallion's Upstanding Column of Love appears quite regularly.

I suspect it's a subscriber only viewing though.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Invitation only, certainly. Subscriber makes me sound like I'm on some sort of pay-per-view porn site!

Desert Wanderer said...

Pay-per-view being better, at least, than Pay-per-play?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Marginally.

This baby is determined that my mobile phone is in fact just a shiny expensive chew toy. Or are chew toys for dogs...teether? Is that a baby-related term? Can you tell I spend more time around dogs than sprogs?

Desert Wanderer said...

Lol. How're Doc and Sherlock.faring with the other one?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I think we're all doing well.

Sherlock has probably broken a world record and how many times he can ask "What's he doing?/Why's he doing that?" and is very irritated that babies can't just explain what they want instead of crying...but yeah, it's good.

mazarin221b said...

"Why's he doing that?"

Ah, Sherlock, if we had any idea how to translate baby/toddler, we'd all be millionaires. Just observe them carefully, and see if you can figure out by how they behave what they want.

Guys - Have fun with the little ones today. Sounds like a full house!

(And Lestallion's Upstanding Column of Love! *snerk* You guys are terrible. And you, DW! You're just an enabler, you know! :D )

mazarin221b said...

Sigh. Not "just" an enabler. Simply "an enabler!" I hate we can't edit.

Small Hobbit said...

I go away for a night and miss out on Lestallion's Upstanding Column of Love. I do hope this is going to be a regular feature. All those things I was never aware I needed to know until now.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

SH - I will hold a weekly clinic. Or something. I might even have to start answering Anon, so 'you can't prove nuffink!' as some of my...customers insist is the case.

Desert Wanderer said...

What did I do?! I can guarantee I had nothing to do with Lestallion's Upstanding Column of Love.

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade, if you're still seeking questions for you month of living dangerously, then inspired by a comment you made on john's blog: would you ever get your ears pierced again? Do you have any other piercings? Ever been tempted/likely to get anything pierced?

REReader said...

Sherlock has probably broken a world record and how many times he can ask "What's he doing?/Why's he doing that?" and is very irritated that babies can't just explain what they want instead of crying

This reminds me of something Isaac Asimov wrote in his autobiography--he said he remembered being pre-verbal and wanting to explain something, but didn't have any way of saying it, so he cried. And that when he had children, he tried to bear in mind that they may just be crying because they couldn't talk yet.


I don't have any questions for you (just now), but I do want to say that, what with there being so much bad information on the internet about sex altogether, it's a Good Thing that you've answered that question and invited more. Anonymously answered or otherwise. :)

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