Lindsay and Desert Wanderer both had great stories of not-so-intelligent criminals. So I thought I'd do a post about some of the top excuses I've been given. When Sal saw that, she insisted on getting in on it too, so she's emailed me some of these.
When I was first a detective, we'd caught a bloke who had tricked his way into a business and stolen a large amount of cash. The crime itself wasn't stupid - he'd had to blag his way in, keep it up, get the cash and leave. We had tip offs and some really quite poor video evidence - but we were pretty sure he was our man - however, you never know when someone will have a good enough brief to get them off. His face on the video really wasn't very clear.
It helped our case a lot that his brief had obviously told him to dress smartly and make a good impression on the court. Because he wore exactly the same suit, shirt and tie as he'd worn during the offence. Afterward he just shrugged and said he only had one set of smart clothes...
***
We always had LOT of variations of the 'it's not mine' excuse.
I was driving around in the area car one shift, and we spotted a face we knew, driving an expensive car. So we pulled him over.
Me: This your car, Sir? (knowing it wasn't, obviously)
Him: No. I mean, but I didn't nick it.
Me: Right, so how do you come to be driving it then?
Him: I found it.
Me: You found a car. We usually call that stealing, if you don't have permission to drive it.
Him: I do! I mean, there was a note, on it, saying anyone could have it. So I took it.
Me: Right. Got that note with you, then?
Him: I threw it away.
Me: Got your insurance documents allowing you to drive this vehicle?
Him: Um...
Me: Shall we start again?
***
"Do you have anyone who can corroborate your story, Sir?"
"My cat. She was watching telly with me."
***
"Can you account for your movements between 8pm and midnight last Thursday?"
"I was at home - you ask my Mum, she'll tell you!"
"She was with you?"
"No, she just knows I'd never go out and miss EastEnders, never. She'll tell you that."
***
Arresting someone for rape... "I haven't even got a penis!"
"Really? We...er...will check that."
"I won't let you."
...
***
There was a guy who held up a post office, wearing a full balaclava, with a gun, didn't want anyone to recognise his voice so he handed over a note. Written on an old envelope. With his home address on the other side.
***
I don't know how you found my DNA at the crime scene - oh, no, wait, I gave blood, once, so my DNA is probably in that other person and it was them! You have to find them. I'm innocent.
***
My fingerprints were on that window because I used to fit windows when I was a teenager, so I must have fitted that one (the bloke was 40 odd)
***
I did kill him, but I'm not a murderer. I'm a secret agent, and I was sent on an assignment. My Boss could tell you, but I can't let you contact him because it's Top Secret. So you have to let me go, and then, when I'm back at the secret HQ I'll get my Boss to ring you to tell you you've done the right thing.
***
You can't arrest me because you're a woman and you've got no rights to arrest a man. (Obviously that one's from Sal!)
***
I imagine I'll think of more, and will put them in comments. But right now we need to sort out lunch and get into town to see some fireworks tonight, which are being fired off barges on the river - it should be good! And I've somehow promised that Sherlock can sit on my shoulders to watch, apparently.
Thanks for all your support yesterday. Still no news on him, but I would imagine he'll be released today, with either a caution or bailed to appear. I think Mum or Nicky will tell me when they find out.
77 comments:
The secret agent defence... I bet you don't hear that one too often.
I'm more likely to believe it now than I was! But no, not often. And now I'd know who to call, anyway ;)
Ha! Two minutes on the phone with her, and your suspect would be tripping over himself to confess.
Two minutes on the phone and I'd probably confess in their place.
"I haven't even got a penis!"
...
I'm guessing that there a very very small subset of rape suspects for whom that it true. And it's not like it's difficult to check, is it?
I'm trying to imagine Sally's reaction to being told she had no right to arrest a man. I really shouldn't be laughing quite so much, but I am almost feeling sorry for the guy :-p
Have a great day, enjoy the fireworks :-)
Nameless - it wasnt hard to establish that one was a lie, that's for sure.
You'd have to ask Sal if anyone ever heard of her suspect again...
Enjoy the fireworks. Of course you promised to let Sherlock sit on your shoulders, you just weren't listening when you did.
And I hope everything gets reasonably well sorted with Danny soon. However you feel about it, I'm sure it's still there at the back of your mind.
The secret agent one is kind of inspired, but I think I like the cat one best. There are more evenings than I should probably admit to when my little dog Blue would be my only alabi.
SH - I'm glad his wife's been strong enough to go through with getting him charged. I hope that's message enough to make him think and change his ways.
I'm sure the fireworks will be great.
Kholly - I'm sure it's true of a lot if people, but animals are hard to persuade to swear the oath in court.
Got a call at school to say that Jimmy wouldn't be in because he was sick. So I asked who was calling to be told, 'It's my dad.' I blame the education system...
Oh no! You can't blame us! They come up with this crap on their own. It has resulted in one of my "Tips for Surviving My Class".
4) You will lie to me. I have no illusions about this and neither should you. At some point during this school year every one of you will lie, obfuscate, deflec , deceive, distort or calumniate. And if I catch you in a falsehood I shall make you pay for it. So do us both a favor and when you decide to lie to me, at least lie well.
It works for me. :)
Bronwyn
Sherlock's just informed me that carrying him is 'your job'. Nice to be wanted. These fireworks are amazing.
What are the fireworks for?
Those are all hilarious, although I'm sure Sally saw red after the "woman arresting a man" one.
My best friend's credit card was stolen and the thief went on an online shopping spree . . . and gave his home address for deliveries.
Belated best wishes for strength and understanding on the Danny front, L.
And has Sherlock given you a My Little Pony name, since you're his trusty steed? Or does he just braid flowers into your hair?
Thanks a lot, innie. I choked on the crackers I was eating from laughing at the image of Lestrade with flowers in his hair.
The one named Hoity-Toity is blue with grey hair, and possibly wears guy liner. Plus, it has a cool-looking ascot/scarf...
http://images.wikia.com/mlp/images/2/26/Hoity_toity.PNG
DW - matching collar and cuffs, too...
The fireworks are for the lord mayor's show.
And as a gay bloke I do, of course, spend a lot of time weaving flowers in my hair and skipping, holding hands with Danger, obviously.
Lestrade, don't forget the interior decorating!
All you need now is the Judy Garland collection and you can call bingo.
Have you ever actually skipped in your life, Lestrade?
My Judy Garland collection is second only to my pastry cutter collection.
DW - probably. But only ever gleefullt, I'm sure.
Sorry we're quiet. Treating ourselves to dinner out. Sherlock has acted out the fireworks to our waitress. She was...astounded.
I was fairly astounded my self.
It was astounding.
Acting out fireworks takes a special talent, that's for sure!
I like the same suit one best. *still snort-giggling*
DW, Hoity-Toity is rocking that look!
I agree, innie. And I think Lestrade could rock it, too. The sunglasses are my favorite part. :D
I'm fairly sure I'm more Hoi Polloi than Hoity-Toity.
I demand you all pick a pony equivalent of Danger now. (and won't admit to having spent the last five minutes lying here scrolling through oictures of ponies to find one myself.)
Are you asking us to help you poke at the Doc, Lestrade?
The Doc needs no additional poking.
But if anyone wants to come up with a cutie mark for him, he's very deeply asleep and there's a permanent marker in my bag... He could wake up half Doc, half Pony tomorrow...
I think sleep deprivation is getting to me, re-reading this conversation.
If we go by personality, Bon Bon maybe? Likes food, wants to be a fashion model, writes in a diary. But, she's a she and is yellow with purple hair.
http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/_img/chars/char_16837.jpg
Looks-wise, maybe Prince Blueblood?
http://images.wikia.com/mlp/images/c/c0/PrinceBlueblood.png
(That's all Google and Wikipedia. I do not have any stored up My Little Pony knowledge.)
Why aren't you asleep?
Prince Blueblood, definitely. Look at that horn!
p.s. - Nameless, you're so naughty!
Prince Blueblood is a good match, lookswise. And. unicorn? Perfect. Except I'd have to watch he didn't run off with Federicorn.
You sure there's no stored up knowledge? That was awfully fast.
Why aren't I asleep? Excellent question. Would love to help with the answer. Probably should put my phone down but I'm playing one of those stupid games where you have to match up jewels, because it's better than staring at the ceiling.
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Big_Macintosh
Big Mac, Applejack's older brother? Steady, patient...
You want to play something just a bit more intellectually demanding than that if you want to fall asleep. Try a crossword or sudoku or something like that--sometimes my brain, at least, tends to decide it's better to fall asleep than to struggle with anything like that...it's worth a try, anyway!
This a bit what Federicorn looks like?
http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/_img/chars/char_47311.jpg
No stored up knowledge, no. I'm just a quick reader?
The nights where you can't sleep for no reason are the worst. Hope you go down soon.
Suppose I'm just thinking about things, that's all.
But we need to be up in good time to head to the pond, finish off the edging and planting. So I should try and get rest, if not sleep, and put this phone down.
Why do you never get called out on jobs in nights like this? Only ever on ones where you're fast asleep. Sod's law, right? Wouldn't mind a murder right now.
(You would really, though. Because John is right there in bed with you, for one thing.)
Sometimes, the Universe is a cruel and fickle mistress.
Maybe it would help to focus your mind on something else? Like the warm boyfriend in your bed? Listen to him breathing and snuggle close, and maybe that'll help take your mind off things.
If you find the answer, share with the rest of the class, will you please?
(Also, I can't believe you left "go down soon" alone. I walked right into that one.)
Good morning, pond creation crew! Heading for bed--hoping for sleep...:)
Just checking in (I'm on vacation) and now I find myself picturing Sherlock here at Disneyland. I'm thinking he'd vibrate out of the visual spectrum with all the things to see/do. Good luck with the pond!
DW- I'm starting to wnder at your "fast reading" when it comes to My Little Pony too :-p
I think Prince Blueblood is a great choice, but Starbright's right that the description of Big Macintosh is a bit closer.
Innie - who me?
Lestrade - hope you managed to get some decent sleep last night. Have a fun day at the pond.
Doc, did you end up cutie-mark free? Or are you sporting a new tennis racket or something on your...flank?
I maintain my innocence, Nameless. As opposed to other people who make sly jokes about collars and cuffs. :P
Pond is going well. Danger is working magic with the slabs. Sherlock is directing planting. I'm battling with the waterfall...
DW - shhh! He hasn't noticed yet! And it's a stethoscope around a red cross.
I can assure you we both sport matching collar and cuffs. And a slight cravat, in my case.
You are joking...aren't you?
I'm sure there are lots of people here who would volunteer to check, if you didn't think saying 'excuse me, could you check if I have something drawn on my buttock?' Didn't sound too much like a corny chat up line.
I don't want them checking my buttocks, thank you!
Like this, Lestrade?
http://rlv.zcache.com/red_cross_and_stethoscope_binder-p127204663655711114f263i_400.jpg
Don't worry, Doc. We'll leave the prodding and poking at your buttocks to a trained professional.
Just have to trust me then...
You haven't taken a picture of it, have you?
DW - bit like that, the scope arcs over the cross though.
Danger - sounds like you believe it's definitely there...
I absolutely believe you would do it, I just don't know whether you actually did.
All you need to find out is a well-positioned hand mirror. :)
A waterfall?! That sounds quite tricky, actually--and like a very pretty way to circulate and aerate the water.
You could check yourself. You'd look like a dog chasing it's tail.
Going to go quiet while I get up to my armpits in this pond and sort out the intake filter.
I warn you Sherlock is taking custody of my phone.
Hello Sherlock :-) *waves*
Are you having a fun day?
Yes and the pond is nearly done and then creatures can move in.
Hi, Sherlock!
Are you waiting to see what creatures move in themselves, or are you going to be bringing in some creatures to start with?
And how's Lestrade doing with that filter?
Mrs T says we should see what moves in but we might get some frogspawn.
Lestrade says it's okay. It's not a big waterfall it's rocks the water runs down over so there's lots of air for the plants and animals and then frogs can climb on the rocks too. The filter is just so big things like leaves and frogs don't get in the pump. I want to see it working soon.
You could do both--wait and see what moves in, and later bring in some frog eggs, too.
I bet Lestrade wants to see it working, too! I know he said it's a warm day, but it's not exactly swimming weather, is it?
It sounds all in all like a vety fancy pond! Did lots of your ideas get used in the final design?
(VeRy, that was supposed to be "very")
That's what we are doing. It's a long time until frogspawn season so we might get some naturally.
He's not swimming he's reaching into it lying on the ground and he says it's nearly done.
Yes lots of my ideas and other people's and Mrs T's
He's still getting pretty wet, though, isn't he?
It must be quite exciting to see all the planning and work and mud and mess coming together into what you all planned!
That was me not Lestrade.
I guessed that! :)
Bit wet, but luckily Danger is all warm from lifting slabs and mixing mortar, so I can get warm again too!
And it's all working fine at the moment!
Woo hoo! Congratulations!
Clearly a celebration is in order.
Are the other parents still helping y'all? Sherlock, can you draw us a picture of the new pond, please? :)
Oh, yes, I agree with DW--a picture would be lovely, please, Sherlock!
There are a few people helping. But we're basically done now.
Off to get coffee and cake now!
Hey, Sherlock, do you like pineapple? I have a super easy recipe for homemade pineapple ice cream.
I'm sure he'd love it, Innie.
He's currently stating a case to get coffee milkshake. Which my phone autocorrects (correctly, in this instance, I think) to 'mistake'. Hyperactive caffeine felled Sherlock on a Sunday night? I'd rather not.
It makes me tired just to think about!
Have they such a thing as a decaf (or imitation or coffee-flavored) coffee milkshake?
He's been placated with a chocolate shake. And some cake.
See, this is the advantage of cold hands and feet. I don't feel cold when immersed in water.
Chocolate tastes better anyway. Always.
You need to improve your circulation. Yoga, or chi gong, or something... Maybe John has some suggestions. ;)
Yoga was all right when we tried it that time.
But I feel the cold after you've been immersed in water...
It's so easy.
2 c buttermilk (nonfat is fine)
2 c undrained canned crushed pineapple
2/3 c sugar
Stir all ingredients together until sugar has dissolved. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and put in freezer. Once the mixture is hardening (this should take about an hour), stir with a fork until it's slushy. Cover and refreeze until it is stiff but not frozen solid. Stir with a fork once more and serve.
You know, Sherlock, your class should do something to thank everyone who helped build the pond--especially Lestrade and John but also everyone who came and worked. Maybe Mrs. T would let you draw thank you cards in class tomorrow? You could ask her.
(And then you could also make a card for her, for agreeing to the idea.)
Danger - that's because you have such a warm heart.
Greg: I wanted to thank you for answering my questions while I was away. And you'll never know if Sally wants to guest post for real unless you ask her! :D (She and Nicky are two of my favourite people we see here outside the normal four...) And I'm glad that things have settled down at work. Though, honestly, me being me, I would have left the sticker up and gone to one of the LGBT meetings. Ahem. Mostly because a) Rainbow sticker is a sign that you're tolerant yeah? b) The flyer left out for the meeting might have actually been left by a supporter, and even if not, it wouldn't kill me to attend one meeting. However, I find it awful that you have to put up with the sort of questioning about stakeouts at work. Have John come in with his best glare?
As for the trolls on here, maybe they've tapered off because Mycroft is getting so good with computers? And could track them down by IP address or something? :D I live in hope someone decides to be another asshole and Mycroft sends you an email with their name and address. MWAHAHA. Ahem.
Smoking... Yeah, that seems like a sound piece of advice to give yourself. It killed three out of four of my grandparents. One of whom I got to watch die slowly by inches. It wasn't pleasant. I'm glad you've quit and you're taking care of your health. Hopefully that will mean the boys will never have to go through what I went through. *HUGS*
Also, with everything going on right now, *MORE HUGS*
(P.S. I've missed you!)
(P.P.S. OH! I wanted to let people know if they wanted a real life actual card from me they can go to http://tinkthelittlesister.tumblr.com/cards and fill out the form there and I'll send one out next month! If you want to signal boost that, I wont complain :P If not, I wont complain either, just FYI. Anyway, people, go there and get a card!)
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