Lindsay and Desert Wanderer both had great stories of not-so-intelligent criminals. So I thought I'd do a post about some of the top excuses I've been given. When Sal saw that, she insisted on getting in on it too, so she's emailed me some of these.
When I was first a detective, we'd caught a bloke who had tricked his way into a business and stolen a large amount of cash. The crime itself wasn't stupid - he'd had to blag his way in, keep it up, get the cash and leave. We had tip offs and some really quite poor video evidence - but we were pretty sure he was our man - however, you never know when someone will have a good enough brief to get them off. His face on the video really wasn't very clear.
It helped our case a lot that his brief had obviously told him to dress smartly and make a good impression on the court. Because he wore exactly the same suit, shirt and tie as he'd worn during the offence. Afterward he just shrugged and said he only had one set of smart clothes...
We always had LOT of variations of the 'it's not mine' excuse.
I was driving around in the area car one shift, and we spotted a face we knew, driving an expensive car. So we pulled him over.
Me: This your car, Sir? (knowing it wasn't, obviously)
Him: No. I mean, but I didn't nick it.
Me: Right, so how do you come to be driving it then?
Him: I found it.
Me: You found a car. We usually call that stealing, if you don't have permission to drive it.
Him: I do! I mean, there was a note, on it, saying anyone could have it. So I took it.
Me: Right. Got that note with you, then?
Him: I threw it away.
Me: Got your insurance documents allowing you to drive this vehicle?
Me: Shall we start again?
"Do you have anyone who can corroborate your story, Sir?"
"My cat. She was watching telly with me."
"Can you account for your movements between 8pm and midnight last Thursday?"
"I was at home - you ask my Mum, she'll tell you!"
"She was with you?"
"No, she just knows I'd never go out and miss EastEnders, never. She'll tell you that."
Arresting someone for rape... "I haven't even got a penis!"
"Really? We...er...will check that."
"I won't let you."
There was a guy who held up a post office, wearing a full balaclava, with a gun, didn't want anyone to recognise his voice so he handed over a note. Written on an old envelope. With his home address on the other side.
I don't know how you found my DNA at the crime scene - oh, no, wait, I gave blood, once, so my DNA is probably in that other person and it was them! You have to find them. I'm innocent.
My fingerprints were on that window because I used to fit windows when I was a teenager, so I must have fitted that one (the bloke was 40 odd)
I did kill him, but I'm not a murderer. I'm a secret agent, and I was sent on an assignment. My Boss could tell you, but I can't let you contact him because it's Top Secret. So you have to let me go, and then, when I'm back at the secret HQ I'll get my Boss to ring you to tell you you've done the right thing.
You can't arrest me because you're a woman and you've got no rights to arrest a man. (Obviously that one's from Sal!)
I imagine I'll think of more, and will put them in comments. But right now we need to sort out lunch and get into town to see some fireworks tonight, which are being fired off barges on the river - it should be good! And I've somehow promised that Sherlock can sit on my shoulders to watch, apparently.
Thanks for all your support yesterday. Still no news on him, but I would imagine he'll be released today, with either a caution or bailed to appear. I think Mum or Nicky will tell me when they find out.