9 June 2011

roll back time

I feel like I'm 14 again.

And I haven't learnt a thing in the past 30 years.

Edit - because the whole POINT of all this is to learn and...yeah, that, really.



When I was fourteen I basically looked after my brothers and sisters (with Nicky's help, because we were the eldest), and tried to keep up with school, and tried to stay on the right side of our Mother and keep the house running.

Biggest fears - something happening to one of the kids. something happening to Mum. social services taking us all away and splitting up the family. Either of the first would have led to the third.

Mum drank, a lot. And was mainly depressed and lonely.

I tried to help her, but I never really knew what was wrong, and she'd never say. So I just did everything else, everything I thought might help her get better. And I didn't mind, I felt like as long as I was doing something, I was helping.

With Bryan, well, he was never happy either, so I tried to do everything so he wouldn't have anything to complain about.

And somewhere in all that, I forgot that sometimes you don't need to do anything, you just need to be there. And I forgot that you can ask, and maybe you'll find out the answer. And I forgot that John isn't anyone but John, and I shouldn't judge him by how anyone else has behaved.

And that adults can have disagreements without it ending badly. It's just what happens, adults can get over it, talk about it, make up and it's all fine.

And it is all now fine. Or getting there, anyway.

72 comments:

ladyeigh said...

Are you alright?? Hand? Bryan? Job? John? Or just the combination of all the above making for a shitty day.

Kira

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I'm fine, really.

Just feeling like i havent learnt from past mistakes.

John H. D. Watson said...

I love you. I'm sorry about yesterday.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You've got nothing to be sorry for.

I'll leave work a bit early. Actually spend some time with you.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, I do. I should've just said, instead of being pissy at you all night for not...I don't know, reading my mind.

That'd be lovely.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Leaving now. I do really have to go to mine for clean clothes though.

Anything you want me to get for dinner? Pudding?

And I have been resting my hand. It sort of...throbs. and itches like a bastard.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, it's going to do that. I'll take a look at it when you get here.

If you want to get more chocolate I could make those brownies again. Can't think of anything apart from that. Oh, Sherlock says to tell you he wants something with aubergines. I have no idea where that came from.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Can you check how much parmisan we've got?

I can do aubergine parmegiana.

Has he been well enough behaved to get to choose dinner?

I suppose I should say I've tried to rest it. I did a bit of driving earlier that wasn't very comfortable. And i keep forgetting.

John H. D. Watson said...

We have lots. I found three wedges in different parts of the fridge, none more than half gone.

He's been pretty subdued. Which I guess isn't surprising.

Yeah, it's hard not to use your hands.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Right, got everything, really on the way to you now.

John H. D. Watson said...

shouldn't judge him by how anyone else has behaved

We all do that though. It's so hard not to. And I should've just said. I don't know why it seems so impossible.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Same reason it felt impossible for me to come back to you when Bryan got in my flat? And then ask you to go back there with me the next time? I can't explain that either.

But you made me feel okay about it, because you were patient and...just made it okay, in the end.

Anon Without A Name said...

For some reason, I keep reading ladyeigh's comment as "hand job?", which I'm sure is not what was intended.

And at least you've recognised the pattern of behaviour - most people never even seem to manage that much.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Nameless - I do too!

Problem is I usually recognise it after it's happened. Hence this post. Maybe next time someone will point it out to me.

John H. D. Watson said...

L - something like that probably, yeah. The reason I said you're better at this...I've been trying to think how to say this for a couple of months now.

You know that thing you do, where you ask for hugs? I think I was actually shocked the first time and I remember thinking "how does someone actually say that out loud?" And I know people do, all the time. Just not me. Impossible.

Anyway. Yeah. I'm trying to learn from you. And you really are better at some of this stuff.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Well...if you can't just say 'Give us a hug', we can always write a new page in the John-to-English dictionary.

"Can I have some marmite on toast?" = "I want a hug." (Because it's clearly never going to MEAN you want marmite on toast.)

I think...I think by 'better' you might really mean 'more terrified of cocking it all up again and willing to do anything not to', maybe? (Which isn't saying you're not willing to do things. Just that at the first sign of trouble my mind goes to utter disaster, and yours probably goes to a slightly strained silence for a few hours.)

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, that's probably fair.

Lindsay said...

I have trouble asking for hugs too, a lot of the time. Even though I really crave touch, often either it doesn't occur to me that's what I need, or I'm somehow afraid to ask. I think part of it is hesitance to admit that I'm not entirely self-reliant and I actually do need something from someone else; and part of it is fear that if I open myself up physically and emotionally I'm just going to lose my shit entirely.

John H. D. Watson said...

L - slightly strained silence for a few hours

Try a few years. Or a lifetime. But yeah.

And I think your suggestion is a ploy to get me to have positive associations with marmite. But I'll consider it.

Lindsay - that's...yeah. That. Especially the last part.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I was just trying to think of something you'd never say - a safeword for you.

And I get that. I really, really do. But you make me feel safe enough to risk it. I'd rather lose it completely because you hugged me than lose it more spectacularly because I wouldn't ask.

John H. D. Watson said...

I know, sorry. Bad joke. Or inappropriately timed at least.

Becca said...

I'm nodding along with both of you here. I never learned how to have safe conflicts growing up, so I reflexively avoid conflict. But that's not a great thing to do, either.

If only there was a way to tell ones brain that now you have safe people in your life, but I think only time works for that one.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You get much rest today, when the boys were out?

John H. D. Watson said...

Not much, no. How's work?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Busy. Usual story. Not sure i'll be back in time for dinner.

John H. D. Watson said...

All right.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

There's some mince in the fridge. You could do spag bol. Call me or ask Mrs H if you need talking through it.

John H. D. Watson said...

Thanks. Any idea yet when you'll get here?

John H. D. Watson said...

I'll take that as a no. hope work isn't too bad.

John H. D. Watson said...

Hey how much garlic is this supposed to have? I called but didn't get you. Don't answer if you're arresting someone obviously, I can make a guess.

Anon Without A Name said...

John, no idea how much bolognese you're making, but one or two cloves (not bulbs!) should be enough to add flavour without being so much that it overpowers.

(I am absolutely not worrying about Lestrade not replying. Not at all. Honestly)

John H. D. Watson said...

Thanks, Nameless. They don't go in whole, right?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

What Nameless said. Chop them quite finely

Anon Without A Name said...

No, you need to crush them. Not sure if Lestrade is one of those purist types who refuse to touch a garlic press, but if you've got one, pop the clove (unpeeled) in and give it a good squeeze straight into the saucepan.

If you don't have a garlic press, peel the clove (I assume - I always use a garlic press), and give the clove a good smack on a chopping board with the flat of a large bladed knife. If it still looks fairly intact, you can smush it up using the flat of a knife and some rock salt as a grinding agent.

John H. D. Watson said...

All right, thanks.

Anon Without A Name said...

Ha - yeah, or you could just chop them up :-p

Anonymous said...

In Tescos, they do this fantastic jar of squashed garlic called "Lazy Garlic" No need to faff around with squashing cloves and stuff, just teaspoon in however much you want! :D

John H. D. Watson said...

Heh. If I weren't to lazy to go out that would be perfect.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Be back in a bit. Presume you've solved the garlic debate.

John H. D. Watson said...

Yeah, all sorted. Everything all right?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Yeah, fine.

John H. D. Watson said...

That's...not precisely reassuring.

KHolly said...

Yeah, the hard part of people who are routinely "fine" is that it's hard to tell when they're actually just fine. Time to break out the dictionary again.

Rider said...

Seems to me that John isn't the only one needing a safeword.

So more entries in the Lestrade-to-English dictionary:

"I'd like a marmite sandwich" means "Things are fine, no problem here"

"Marmite and HP here I come!" means "I'm on top of the world!"

whereas
"I'm fine, stopping off on the way to get a hot curry" means "life is horrible and I need a hug now"

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

What else can I say? Fine, okay, bit tired, need a shower. Can I get the stitches wet yet?

John H. D. Watson said...

Given you were soaked through when you got in, I'd say they're pretty wet already. Should be all right though, yeah.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Welcome back to the great British summer.

John H. D. Watson said...

Thanks, I think. Where'd you go? Anywhere interesting?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

No, nowhere.

Got to work tomorrow, maybe Sunday.

Rider said...

Summer rain and motorcycling means "damn, my summer gloves are not lined and now my hands are black".

Wonder what leather dye does to stitches...

(I cheat - my summer gloves are mesh on the bits that won't contact the road, and lined on the bits that will. So cool but I can get to work in summer showers without looking like I've been wrist deep in something. These days you can get quite tough non-leather gloves too.)

Sherlock said...

You must have gone SOMEWHERE, you can't go NOWHERE and it didn't rain when you would've been coming from work so where did you go? Were you looking at bodies?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Makes them itch even more and hurt when you forget and try to scratch. I wouldn't bother trying it for yourself

John H. D. Watson said...

Sherlock! You're meant to be asleep and you know it. I'm coming up in two minutes and you'd better be doing at least a good impression of a sleeping child who hasn't swiped my mobile. Again.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Nowhere in particular, Sherlock. Now give John's mobile back.

No bodies this evening, no.

Anon Without A Name said...

Lestrade, it sounds like you've had a long and shitty day (is this the thing that you were Not Talking About? Or shouldn't I ask?). Anyway, after your comment on John's blog, I just wanted to say that you and your colleagues are valued, and respected, even if it doesn't feel like it very often, and even if the Government seems set on crapping on public sector workers from a great height these days.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You probably shouldn't ask, but yes, part of it is the 'thing I'm not talking about'.

And you should probably qualify your second paragraph with 'by a few people', rather than implying that's the general consensus, because it isn't.

Anon Without A Name said...

Yeah, but a lot (most) of the people you meet during the course of your work are a self-selecting group who have personal reasons for disliking the police. Among the people I know, it is a general consensus. Of course most of us aren't doing the sort of stuff that would get us arrested - which probably makes us as much of a self-selecting group, I suppose.

I don't know if your self-selecting group is bigger or has more valid opinions than mine, but my point stands - you, and the work you do, is valued, and is respected, and is appreciated.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You asleep, John?

John H. D. Watson said...

No, just reading.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

You and the boys have any plans for tomorrow?

John H. D. Watson said...

Park, I think. Probably more bike riding. You at work all day?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Don't know. Most of the shift I imagine. Just depends.

John H. D. Watson said...

We could meet you somewhere after?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Wait and see what the weather's doing. If there are storms like today I wouldn't bother.

I'll be up in a bit.

John H. D. Watson said...

All right.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Actually, no, Christ, what am I thinking, no, dont bring the boys. Bad idea. I'll just...i'll have to let you know, when I know what I'm doing tomorrow.

John H. D. Watson said...

Okay.

Sally said...

Ooh, John, you should watch what you say! The boss is already fighting them off with a stick, and now you give everyone a mental image of him soaking wet and in leather!

John H. D. Watson said...

Beating who off with a stick? Are these his fans at work again?

Sally said...

Work, witnesses, suspects, you name it! The old fox.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Sal, stop talking bollocks.

John H. D. Watson said...

Sally - Can't say I'm really surprised, even if he doesn't believe it.

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