23 April 2011

It was a dark and stormy night...

Well, it was here in London, where our scene lies.

Just got home. Soaked. Maybe it was too hot, and it is sort of nice to see the rain really lashing down. But not when it's home time.

I think I've got a lot to say about everything going on in my life right now. But none of the words will come.

So I'm stealing from 'Anon without a name' (We should give him/her a name. 'Anon with good advice'? 'Words of wisdom anon'?)

"Look, you've been taking responsibility for taking care of yourself and everyone else for your whole adult life and a good few years before that. You didn't have anyone else you could rely on or share that with. So it's a deeply ingrained habit, and I suppose it must be frustrating as anything to have people suddenly expecting you to give up that very safe, very comfortable, level of control. Maybe it feels as if they're questioning your ability to handle the situation. But holding on to all of that isn't doing you any good, and it isn't doing you any favours."

That does indeed about sum up my life. Everything I've ever done has relied on me being in control. Especially the job - talking to that family today, about what they've gone through, one son dead, one on remand, ex-husband and father bailed until I can prove what I know - all I can do is hang on to every shred of control I've got, because I have to be professional, and be the very best I can be for them.

And the times I've let that control slip have been...well, like Danger mentioned the other night. Bryan. Other times, when I was younger, when control was taken from me. These death threats - the thought that someone's been watching me, without me knowing, with this latest photo. But I always got the control back. Eventually.

Even now, the worse thing about this whole dissolution saga isn't me talking to him, it's the fact that now we're back in touch, he can talk to me. When I phone him I can plan it, be in the right mood, know what I want to say and say it. Even if I don't answer my mobile when I see his name on the screen, it just...well, totally fucks me up, if I'm blunt. And I hate it.

But soon it'll all be over, and the sunshine will be back.

And when my life's good - like last night, it's bloody brilliant. I hope you all find your own Danger at some point. Because it makes everything else worth it.


John H. D. Watson said...

It was good advice. I was not really seeing your point of view before that. That helped, a bit at least. Are you coming to bed soon?

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Don't think I was really seeing my point of view before that, if I'm honest. It's one thing being a good judge of other peoples' character, it's quite another being a good judge of your own.

And this isn't soon, is it? How long ago was...about an hour. Yeah, coming to bed now, in fact. Where I hope to find you asleep. Which rather makes this pointless...

Mind you, the next time I see you awake will hopefully be lunch tomorrow, assuming I don't wake you when I leave in the morning. You'll have to let me know where and when. I'll bring a tin hat, because I'm not sure Harry and Nicky meeting can lead to good things for either of us, if I'm honest...

John H. D. Watson said...

Not asleep, sorry.

I just hope Harry behaves herself.

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

Can't pretend i'm that sad you're not asleep. Although I will be very soon. Did I honestly leave my first comment of the day about 20 hours ago?

I'm sure she will. Don't worry.

X said...

I'm sorry things have been shit for you of late, Lestrade; no one deserves that much stress in his/her life. And I'm sorry that the things beyond your control currently are calling to mind previous experiences outside your control.

Glad that you're taking some time for yourself; hug John and the boys often, and know that they (and a crowd of anonymous blog readers, of course!) are wishing you the best.

kholly said...

I hope you all find your own Danger at some point.

I love that in both its intended and unintended meanings.

Anon Without A Name said...

"Anon who can't stop throwing unsolicited advice at people"?
"Anon who doesn't know when to shut up"?
"Anon who is currently a bit stunned"? :-p

If anything I wrote resonated and helped, then I'm really glad :-) It's always easier to read other people then ourselves, but it's only because I recognise in you some of my own coping mechanisms, and some of the problems they've caused for me and the people around me.

It does sound a bit as if the current crunch of stressy situations is bringing up a lot of old, bad memories for you...

Hope that everyone behaves themselves at lunch, and that the kids aren't on too much of a sugar high from all the Easter eggs :-)

Greg 'Orio' M F Lestrade said...

I haven't actually seen any Easter Eggs in the flat. Which isn't to say there aren't any, just that I've barely seen the flat recently.

I've got a bag of mini eggs in my desk, which have been keeping my sugar-to-caffeine levels on a dangerous high.

It did help, and well, yeah. Bad timing, good timing, I can't tell. Probably good to get it all out of the way? Possibly better if I wasn't quite so busy at work while I do it.

I actually find it slightly hard to think that you are all, essentially, strangers. This is giving me a whole new view of the internet. Up until now it's been email, research, press and murderous stalkers to me, I'm afraid!

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