9 April 2011

So you lot have got advice about everything.

Last weekend, everything was fabulous, John and I had the time of our lives...

This weekend I have totally fucked up, and I'm not even entirely sure what aspect of it John is angry about. Apart from apologising, what can I do?

John, I love you, I'm sorry.


Lupe said...


Oh no! What happened? I'd ask for details in order to give advice, but I don't think John would appreciate it if you wrote a detailed account here. D: Just apologize for what you did as much times as necessary! You'll work it out, you're great together. :) Good luck!

'Orio' Lestrade said...

It's all over the comments, last posts from both of us, Lupe. And short of jumpng on a train back to London I've apologised every way I know how.

Random said...

Just guessing here, but possibly he's angry about 1) you not happening to mention, casually and in passing, that you're STILL MARRIED (or civilly whatevered), and by extension 2) making him a partner-in-crime in what he probably views as adultery, regardless of whether you or the other guy see it that way.

I mean. You took that way important step, and now it's not even on your radar. He might be wondering where he'll be ranking, five or ten years from now, on your List of Things I Might Ought to Mention To The Next Guy I Sleep With.

As far as what you can do to fix it:
1. Apologize. A lot.
2. Start proceedings for a dissolution. Don't wait for John to have to ASK you to do it. Good grief, the man has SOME pride.
3. Give him some space to think. He probably doesn't want to talk to you for a bit. Maybe a few hours, maybe a few days. Definitely not in public like this. Stop nagging him.
4. When you do hear from him, apologize. A lot.

Anonymous said...

1 - stop trying to second guess John's feelings (he's probably not 100% sure of them himself right now).

2 - give him some time to work through what he's feeling and why.

3 - when he's ready, talk. And argue, if necessary; don't be afraid to clear the air.

4 - remember, this isn't great, but it's not the end of things. It's a fuck up, is all. You didn't tell him about something that, for you, is ancient history. It's not like you've cheated on him or something equally dealbreaking. He's a reasonable guy, he loves you, you'll find a way, between you, to sort it out.

Good luck :-)

Anonymous said...

(Having given advice, now my curiosity is getting the better of me)

How come this never came up in conversation? Surely John must have asked you at some point about the fact that you wear a wedding ring?

'Orio' Lestrade said...

Thanks for the advice. Helpful to have a different perspective on things.

Anon - he knew I'd been married. I thought he knew I still was. Obviously not. He knows we split up a few years ago, so I suppose it would make sense to think we'd got a dissolution. It's not exactly a subject I encourage talking about, I suppose.

And he has now commented on his blog - so I know he's okay, even if he doesn't want to speak to me. Which does make me a bit less worried.

lurker anon said...

... I'm not even entirely sure what aspect of it John is angry about.

1. Finding out the man he's with is still married.

2. Learning the above in the comments of a random entry on a public blog.

If I were in his situation, the question would probably be about which aspect I'm more angry about.

I think Random has the best advice. Just give John some time.

annoyedwabbit said...

Random said about what I was going to say. Being an unknowing accessory to what is, technically, adultery would make me pretty bloody furious. It would also make me wonder just how much I meant to the other person. I'm sure you've run into cases of adultery where the party on the side said "but he/she said he/she was going to leave his/her wife/husband for me!" at some point in your policing career.

Since you clearly no longer have any emotional attachment to your ex, get a dissolution ASAP.

Let John have his space. When he wants to talk, (which I imagine he will, since he seems a reasonable person) LISTEN to what he has to say. As someone who has put a relationship back together after being wronged, I can personally attest that the listening part is important. Listen, ask questions if you need to, and try to understand exactly where he's coming from. Explain your side of it, but DON'T belittle his concerns. When you're done, apologize and really mean it.

Best of luck.

DK said...

Mate... first things first: you're dating an invalided war vet who's just getting his life back together and probably still sees himself as "damaged goods".

Yet somehow Detective Inspector Perfect wanders into his life, and he isn't even put off the idea of a relationship by the fact has kids or the fact they're all so much a target a security detail lives downstairs.

Then suddenly it turns out this bloke's married and still wearing the other guy's ring - and to a soldier actions speak louder than words, can you scream latent feelings any louder?

He's let you into his life, more importantly he's let you into Mycroft and Sherlock's lives, and add to that (if as I'm sure I read somewhere) you're the first bloke he's ever gone for...

You think he's angry? Maybe a wee bit, but I'd say you've just unleashed a torrent of insecurity, worry and regret. Stop sodding appologising like you've trod on his foot and start trying to do something.

If he's no ready to talk, fine, but if I were you I'd get on the phone and ask Mrs H how those wee lads are coping. Cause I don't doubt that John'll be trying to hide it but they'll know. Kids always know. And they're probably worried sick.

Elizabeth said...

I can't imagine that John was comforted to read, "It's just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything." You might want to hold off on the reassuring front until you better understand John's position.

annoyedwabbit said...

@Elizabeth - Yeah. If pieces of paper didn't mean anything, humans wouldn't bother with them. Pieces of paper are symbols, and symbols are powerful things.

'Orio' Lestrade said...

Well once it wasn't just a bit of paper. Once it was my life - my future. But actually making it mean anything, that takes two. And Bryan showed pretty plainly that wasn't what he wanted, and in doing so showed me it wasn't what I wanted either. Because the man who did that wasn't the man I fell in love with.

So now, nearly 8 years on, it is just a bit of paper. And I'll find Bryan and get a dissolution as soon as I can.

And I hope he never thought I was perfect, because I'm obviously anything but.

annoyedwabbit said...

No one is perfect. Some people, though, are worth fighting for. I think John's latest blog post amply proves he's one such person. So go fight for him and don't you *dare* tell yourself you're not good enough and give up. You both deserve better than that.

X said...

I think that others have given more lucid advice than I could. So I'll agree with what's above and add to give him the time and space that he needs/asks for, because sometimes forgiving is also about distance to think things over.

For what it's worth, he wouldn't be hurt if he didn't care about you. I hope you two get things sorted; I'm sure that you will. Just be patient, be penitent, and try not to be too flippant about the past.


second lurker said...

I’m new to commenting, although I’ve been reading this blog for ages, loving it and you all, almost like real life, and now…I’m in floods.

I’ve been in John’s shoes, and I’m aching for him, but I’m hurting for Mycroft most of all: my God, to have an adult’s intellect yet a child’s vulnerability at the same time. He’s probably in his room, trying not to cry, trying to be strong for both John and Sherlock, but he’s just a kid.

You’re not the villain here, Greg, so please don’t take it that way—you’re the victim of your upbringing and all the hurt that’s been piled on you over the years, so it’s no wonder you had run from your failed marriage instead of seeing it all the way through to its bitter end. However, the thing about victimization is that it tends to seep through and touch everything until it’s stopped directly, firmly, consciously.

You’re not the villain, but you can be the hero. You’re the only one that can save Mycroft from becoming the next victim of your mother’s poor choices.

1. Leave the conference. NOW. This is a family emergency, and work just doesn’t matter in the face of it. Rent, borrow, or steal a car, but be back in London by tonight.

2. Work it out with John in private, letting out every ugly, painful thing you both need to say. Make sure that you understand him, feel what it’s like to be in his shoes, and that he understands your motivations and fears.

3. The MOMENT you reach some sort of solid ground, immediately bring Mycroft and Sherlock into the discussion. Don’t try to hide it from them, don’t try to sugarcoat anything. They will know the truth, regardless. Be honest about your own damage, and be honest about how much they mean to you.

4. Monday morning, enroll everyone in family counseling through your job. I assume the Met must offer this service to employees; practically all law enforcement does. Have your own counselor to work you through your past, and have a family counselor to help John, Sherlock, and Mycroft through this betrayal of their trust.

5. Get the dissolution as fast as you can. Don’t make a deal out of it, just do it. You owe it to John, Sherlock, and Mycroft, but most of all, you owe it to yourself.

6. Forgive yourself, but don’t forget, especially since children are involved. Do better. Be better. And be proud of the man in the mirror.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, fucked that up, didn't you.

Nicky said...

Anon, what a horrible thing to say. And when everyone else has tried to help.

Greg, if you want to call me and have a chat, you know you can, any time. And if you want some moral support when you see Bryan, I can come with you. Just give the word.

John...what can I say? Of course I'm biased. Greg may not be perfect, but he is worth it.

The very best to both of you. And give the boys a big hug too.


Greg 'Orio' Martin Finchley Lestrade said...

Thanks Nicky. John says you're welcome to come down next week. We'll talk then, hey?

Cheers, sis.

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